by Bea Paige
“What colour is this?” Anton suddenly blurts out.
His question throws me slightly, but I get a sense of relief that he’s using this as an opportunity to understand another colour. It means he’s still willing to heal, and that’s something I’m grateful for. It takes me just a moment to think about it.
“Green,” I respond. It’s perfect.
“Green?” he frowns.
“Yes, Green like the fields surrounding Browlace. Green like the shoots of new plants, and the start of growth in springtime. Green represents the future, starting afresh.”
Anton gives me a worried look. “You truly believe you can help Erik?”
“Perhaps,” I respond, honestly. “I know there are never any guarantees, but I want to try. Erik shouldn’t have to live this way.”
I’m well aware that Erik can hear our conversation, but I’m all about the truth. I’ve no reason to hide it now. Besides, I need him to understand that I’m not a threat. That I’m as far removed from the woman who tortured him as possible. This is about healing him. I’m not here to hurt him further. I’m hoping my honesty is a step towards him understanding that.
“But Erik chose this, Rose. What gives you the right to determine how he should or shouldn’t live?”
“Playing Devil’s advocate now?” I ask.
He shrugs. “Someone’s got to.”
Leaning against the window, I shift my weight off my painful knee before answering. “I don’t have a right to do anything. But I can try and show Erik that a life beyond these walls is possible.”
“You’re not a therapist,” Anton points out.
“No, but then neither are any of you, yet you still believe Erik living like this is somehow okay. You’ve accepted that this is what he needs, that this is his new normal. I just want to help him to understand that there is always an alternative.”
“Like you did for me and Ivan?”
“Exactly that.”
“I get it,” he admits.
“I know you do. Ivan will find this difficult because he understands the danger I’m in… It scares him. He’d rather keep me safe.”
“And I don’t see the danger? I don’t want to keep you safe?” Anton interrupts, offended.
“That’s not what I meant. You of all people understand more than anyone. But when Svetlana committed suicide, his guilt almost ruined him. I know that if anything happened to me, he would blame himself.”
“He would.”
“But…”
“But?” Anton frowns.
“I don’t just do this for Erik. I’d be a liar if I said that was the case. Anton, you understand that. You understand how I’m drawn to the darkness and the need I have. I can’t walk away from Erik, any more than I could you or Ivan.”
Anton scrapes a hand over his beard as he absorbs my words, then smiles his beautiful disarming smile that always makes my knees go weak like a damn teenager. For a moment I wish there wasn’t this glass wall between us.
“You’re pretty fucking amazing, do you know that?” he says, his smile faltering when he glances behind me. I hear the door to the bathroom slide open and try my best not to tense at Erik’s nearness.
“I’ll be watching,” Anton says, giving Erik a look before retreating into a darkened corner of the outhouse.
“I know, brother,” Erik responds, a slight tremor to his voice.
I draw in a deep breathe to settle my nerves and then, with my head lowered, I turn on my feet, holding out the rope towards Erik. “Do what you must to feel safe,” I say softly.
Chapter 14
Erik, Kirkwall – Summer, 1998
“Where are we going, Emmie?” I laugh, as she drags me along behind her. It’s well past midnight and it’s pitch black apart from the artificial light of the torch highlighting the path before us. Long fronds of grass wave in the sea-breeze and I briefly wonder whether they have snakes in the area. I shudder. I fucking hate snakes.
“It’s a surprise. You’re not scared, are you?” She giggles, squeezing my hand.
“Hardly. I’m just not a fan of surprises. I’d rather know what’s coming…”
“Oh, you will know what’s coming. You’ll be very aware of that.”
She comes to a halt, twisting around to face me. I’m momentarily blinded by the torchlight and am blinking away dancing spots of light when she pushes her body up against mine and kisses me hard on the lips.
“You’ll be coming and coming and coming if I have anything to do with it,” she murmurs against my mouth.
I’m vaguely aware of the torch thudding to the ground over the rushing and pulsing of lust in my veins and the first tendrils of love in my heart. This girl, she’s got me by the balls. At least that’s what Ivan would say if I were to tell him about her and the way she makes me feel. He would tell me to fuck her and leave her, but only after he tried to have a taste of her first. The man’s obsessed with sex, and I’m pretty sure if he were here, he’d try to fuck Emmie too if he could. Thank God he isn’t, then.
Anton on the other hand would just roll his eyes, not in the least bit interested in something as weak and emotional as love. Viktor has pretty much knocked any notion of that out of his heart. The man’s a tyrant.
But not me. Love makes the world go around, right?
What’s the point in living otherwise?
They both think I’m a dick for believing in love. But honestly, they can fuck off. It isn’t always just about sex or getting wasted on drugs and booze. Ivan dips his cock in anything that moves, and Anton fucks the same way as he takes drugs, as though searching for a high that never quite fulfils him.
Helpless romantic or not, I believe in love, so fucking sue me.
“Are you going to kiss me, then, or stand there?” Emmie mutters, smiling against my mouth.
Pulling her against me, loving the fact she lets out a surprised groan at the fact my cock is rock solid between us. I respond to Emmie’s kiss, opening up my mouth as her tongue sweeps between my lips. She pushes her body against mine as my hands grasp her arse and squeezes the firm flesh. Swimming in the rough seas around the island has made her strong, firm, taut. Emmie’s been my wet dream for weeks now, and tonight, finally, I’m going to have sex for the very first time. I almost come there and then thinking about how good it’s going to feel buried deep inside her. My balls tingle and my cock twitches as a bead of precum seeps from the slit Emmie’s finger finds now.
Fuck.
I’m going to need to get a hold of myself if I don’t want to shoot my load in her hand right here, right now. So, I break the kiss dragging her hand out of my sweatpants reluctantly.
Emmie laughs, the sound sweet and high, then she swoops down and picks up the torch before grasping my hand and pulling me behind her.
“Hold onto that thought, big boy.” She winks, dragging me further into the field.
I do hold onto that thought. I also hold onto the fact that tonight, I’m going to love this girl until we both come undone. I’m going to fill the deep void inside. As we make our way over the turnstile leading to an old cottage long since lived in, I think of nothing else.
Chapter 15
Rose – Present Day
It takes a full hour before Erik takes the rope from me, and another endless stretch of time before he ties it tightly around my wrists, my hands held in front of me. He reacts to even the slightest brush of our skin. That featherlight touch of his fingertips over my wrists has him shaking from head to foot and it makes me sick to my stomach that someone had the capacity to reduce this powerful, sexy man into someone who lives in fear.
The second he secures the rope, Erik lets out a long breath and steps away from me backing up to his bed and sitting on top of it. I don’t make a sound. I need to give him complete submission and that includes my silence. So, I lower myself to my knees, ignoring the pain. Controlling my breathing, I force myself to be calm and non-threatening, then wait.
More time stretches out betwe
en us, and the pain in my knee becomes a sharp throb that persists with every minute that passes. I count the minutes, a further half an hour goes by, and in all that time neither of us move. I’m not even sure at this point whether I’ll even be able to stand should he ask me too.
“Fuck this!” he suddenly blurts out.
Striding towards me, he grabs the rope pulling on it roughly. The sudden movement forces my arse off the back of my legs, and I groan at the rush of blood in my joints.
“Anton told me about how you helped him…” Erik says, his train of thought going off in an unexpected direction. “He told me how you opened yourself up to him. How you bled colour, then showed him that his true strength lies in the darkness he experiences every second of the day. You uncovered the truth of him. You gave him what no one else could,” he murmurs.
I watch as he rocks on his bare feet before me. His frantic thoughts matching his movements.
“You say you help us because you’re drawn to the darkness, but I don’t believe that’s the only reason. If it were then you would’ve left the moment you thought them healed enough. But here you still are. Perhaps you’re waiting to fix me, then you’ll leave. Is that it?”
I don’t answer. Not because I can’t, but because I refuse to.
“No. That’s not it either,” he corrects himself. “You’ve taken risks, you’ve opened yourself up to danger and pain. The darkness might be what draws you in but that isn’t what keeps you here, is it? I think you know that deep down, but you’re too fucked up to admit the reality of who you truly are. Are you here with me now to hide from Ivan and Anton, to hide from their love? Do you want to sabotage it, knowing what I’m capable of? I’m capable of such violence, Rose.”
I wince at his words. They affect me far more than the fear he might hurt me physically. I welcome that kind of pain, but this? This isn’t supposed to be how it goes. I’m here to help him, not to be pulled apart and analysed. I open my mouth, ready to ask Anton to set me free.
Erik yanks at the rope again, understanding instinctively that he’s hit a nerve. There’s a sharp sting on my wrist as the rope bites into my skin, and despite my sudden intake of breath he doesn’t relent on his hold. The physical pain draws me back into the moment, my need to run stilled for now, my need to remain growing.
Concentrating on the feeling of the roughness against the delicate skin of my wrists, I let go of how his words make me feel. Erik can think what he wants. I know who I am, and more importantly I know what I need. This is about him, not me. If he needs to believe I’m a woman with any kind of capacity to love, then let him. If that gets him out of this fucking cage, then I’ll be that person.
“Don’t misunderstand me, Rose. Fuck knows I appreciate your bravery. I appreciate your compassion, but you must know there’s more to this.”
He yanks on the rope, pulling my arms outwards from my body. With one hand he keeps my arms taut, with the other, he tips my chin up.
He's no longer shaking. Something in him has shifted, fallen away.
The atmosphere has changed, I can feel the air crack with energy. Perhaps it’s the storm outside somehow altering the molecules in the air that circulate around the room. Perhaps this is how it is to be between us.
His thumb strokes across my bottom lip. That one act, thrilling me as much as it scares me. I keep my gaze down, not willing to let him see what hides inside.
“How can I touch you this way…?” Confusion litters his words. His thumb parts my lips, drawing out a surprised breath from me. My tongue snakes across the tip automatically, and he yanks his hand away as though I’ve burnt him. Inside my core clenches.
How can I be so affected by the absence of his touch?
I want it back.
Erik backs away from me and keeping the rope taut between us he urges me to stand. If I don’t, I’ll surely fall flat on my face. Getting up on shaky legs, the sudden rush of feeling in my legs makes me wobble. My knee fucking kills, but I suck up the pain, placing most of my weight on the other leg.
Erik moves in a circle around me with the other end of the rope still clutched in his hand. As he moves, I turn on my feet, twisting with him. I feel like a circus animal, at the mercy of the ringmaster who paces around the frightened beast, ready to take out his whip should it do something he doesn’t like.
The thing is, I’m not frightened. Far from it. I’m vibrating with need.
“I’ve not wanted to touch another woman for years, Rose. I’d given up on the idea of feeling the softness of a woman’s skin beneath my hand. Given up on hearing a woman’s warm breathy pants when I fuck her slow and deep. Then you walked into my life, and I’ve not thought about anything else since. Do you understand what that means?” he asks me, but instead of waiting for a response, he continues. “My brothers have shared a great deal about you, with me. I feel as though I already know you…”
No one knows me. Not one person knows the truth of me, I think, flinching a little as he steps closer.
Erik reaches out, his fingers grazing up my arm. That simple touch ignites an inferno in my chest. My mouth pops open as I release a breath. This man is dangerous. This man is as intense as a forest fire, his touch is like flames licking up the thick bark, spreading out across the branches and turning everything to ash. I feel a wicked kind of thrill under his touch, ready to burn up, burn out, then fade away. Just like the poem I remember reading as a kid.
“Ever since that moment we met and you approached me as though I was a man and not a monster, I’ve not been able to think about anything else. You’ve kept me awake at night, but at least thoughts of you have kept the memories at bay.”
He steps closer, pulling on the rope so I move towards him as much as he moves towards me. When only a foot separates us, Erik reaches out once more, tipping my chin up. I keep my gaze fixed firmly on his lips and the light stubble I long to touch.
“You may have believed that you stepped inside this room to chase the darkness, but I know better. You are not who you pretend to be, Rose. You have thorns, yes, there is no doubt. You have the power to slice me open, but your strength doesn’t come from the sharpness and the pain, it isn’t even in the velvety softness of your beauty. Just like the flower you’re named after, your strength is in your ability to come back to life, never quite the same but infinitely more alluring, more powerful, with every transformation.”
He drops his hand and I can’t help but stumble forward a little, bereft of his touch even though his words are what trip me up. This man is a goddamn poet. Maybe a little of Rumi’s soul has seeped into his. Either way, words have never moved me as much.
“Now you’re here, there are things you need to understand about me. Things you need to know. I won’t keep you prisoner, Rose. But if you want to stay, if you think you’re brave enough, then I won’t stop you.”
He backs away from me, putting space between us and I’ve never wanted to walk into another man’s arms more than I do right now. That fact alone is what stops me. Not because I’m submitting to him, not because I understand the depth of his need for me, but because of the way he makes me feel.
And feeling is the most dangerous beast of all.
Chapter 16
I can feel Erik’s hot gaze licking over my skin as he regards me. Tension fills the air as I wait for what comes next. He stands before me, his bare feet pressed against the cold concrete floor.
“A long time ago something happened right here on this island. Something I’ve been running from for most of my adult life. I made a mistake, I hurt someone I cared about, and I vowed never to be that person again. For years, I locked that monster inside a cage within my chest. I enrolled in the army. I became a man with a desire to fight for what’s right, to do good. Then I met her, and she saw what was in my heart. She tortured me, she tore me apart until she wrenched the monster free… I choose to lock myself inside this cage, so I don’t hurt another soul... yet, here you are, willing to be the next victim.”
; He rocks on his feet as though his body wants to move closer to me, but his head is telling him not to get too close.
“You might have come for my darkness, and fuck knows I have my fair share, but don’t pretend that’s the only thing you search for.”
I stiffen, not liking where this is going.
He chuckles softly. “Here’s the thing, being locked inside this room has given me the opportunity to really think. Anton and Ivan have told me everything about you, Rose. I understand you better than you think. I’ve watched Ivan fall in love with you. You’ve already got what you crave and yet you keep it at arm’s length, why?”
I don’t crave love, not that, never that.
“Well?” he insists.
I pinch my mouth shut. He expects me to answer, I can tell by the sudden change of tone in his voice, but these aren’t the rules I understand. If he wants me to speak, he needs to give me permission, and right now I’m not fucking talking. I resolutely keep my gaze downcast, relax my shoulders and submit further. If he wants to get a rise out of me, he’s going to have to try much harder than this.
“I’ve seen Anton fight against his demons, for you. He was brave. He might not realise it yet, but that man loves you too. You keep running, Rose, but eventually it will catch up with you,” Erik continues, pressing the point.
My nostrils flare, my chest heaves as I fight the urge to beg for my release. This isn’t how it was supposed to go. How the hell has it got twisted like this? I’m not the one who needs help. He is.
Why does it always have to come back to the same damn thing?
Sensing my unease, Erik steps closer. He’s so close I can smell the warmth of his skin, and the musk that is distinctive to him. His perfume reminds me of a forest on a spring day, of fresh air and a carpet of lavender. Weirdly, he smells just like the colour green should smell. It reinforces my belief that despite what he throws at me, I will do what’s right. I will be the person to set him free.