Lillie was so pretty. From Cody’s perspective Lillie was the embodiment of feminine perfection. Even on her best, girliest day, Cody was never as pretty as this. Seated side by side, Cody smiled self-consciously when Lillie caught her looking.
“Thank you for breakfast.”
“That’s the least I could do, since, after all, you saved my life in St. Louis.”
Cody laughed. “Hardly.”
“In fact, I think a life debt might be worth more than one meal.” Lillie glanced sideways at Cody. The corner of her mouth turned up into a playful smile.
The hummingbirds in Cody’s stomach launched themselves into a frenzy. “I’d like that.” Cody’s words had come out raspy, barely above a whisper. She cleared her throat. “I mean, that’d be nice.”
“I’m sorry about Edward.”
“Don’t worry about that. I think he just wanted to make me look bad.” Cody shifted and stretched her left leg out in front of her. “He plainly likes you. He probably thinks he should look out for you.” Cody had decided to give Edward the benefit of the doubt.
“Well, I don’t like him.” Lillie paused. “I’m sorry. That sounded harsher than I meant for it to. What I mean is that I like him well enough, but not in the way he may have hoped.”
They were quiet. The air between them seemed to buzz with energy. Or maybe that was just Cody’s nerves. She tried to relax. She wasn’t sure why Lillie made her so nervous. Maybe it was because she really liked Lillie and she wanted Lillie to like her back. Except even if Lillie did like her she’d be liking a false representation of who Cody really was. The whole damn situation was so confounding.
Abruptly, Cody stood. “I should probably go.”
“Oh, is there somewhere you need to be?” Lillie seemed a bit crestfallen.
“Um, no, not really.” Cody looked down at Lillie’s upturned face. Such a kind face. Sweet.
“Please stay.” Lillie put her hand on Cody’s. “Won’t you sit a little longer?”
Cody looked down at Lillie’s fingers. There was that tingling sensation again. Beginning with her skin under Lillie’s fingertips and traveling all the way up her arm.
Cody sat down. “Sorry, I suppose I thought maybe you had somewhere else you needed to be.”
“Isn’t that one of the nice things about traveling by boat? The fact that there’s nothing to do and nowhere to be.”
Lillie wondered if Cody was nervous. It seemed as if he were. He’d kept shifting his feet and he’d stood so suddenly to leave. Lillie’s nerves were inexplicably humming, so if Cody were nervous too that’d be a good thing. It would mean they were both feeling something. She wondered if they might be feeling the same thing.
Cody was different from other men in subtle ways. Lillie had been keeping a running list in her head since their very first encounter on the platform at the depot in St. Louis. There was softness around his eyes. She’d almost have described his eyes as sensitive. His lips looked, well, for lack of a better description, extremely kissable. And his neck, while leanly muscled didn’t have a visible Adams apple. And his skin was youthful and smooth. Maybe Cody was younger than she’d assumed.
These were all details she probably noticed because of her foundational art training. Life drawing required that the artist truly see the subject: all the subtle shapes, shadows, perfections, and imperfections. Lillie was certain that the primary skill involved in creating art was first learning to see.
Cody shifted beside her, and Lillie realized she’d been staring. It was an occupational hazard that sometimes made others uncomfortable.
“I’m sorry. I was staring.”
“It’s okay.”
“I was trained as an artist…a painter, in New York. I’m afraid that I study people without realizing I’m doing it. I apologize.”
“Did you paint portraits in New York?”
“No, actually, I prefer landscape painting, but it took me a few years to settle on my focus.”
“I’ve never met an artist before.”
Lillie allowed Cody’s comment to sink in. It was true that any serious artistic movement happened in the East. She’d now entered terrain where civilization would become increasingly more rustic, and any connection to culture or the arts would be lost.
She leaned back against the hard wooden bench. Her shoulders sank. It was as if this hadn’t truly dawned on her until now. Her mother had said that if she left New York she would be throwing her career as an artist away. At the time she’d thought her mother was simply trying a different tactic to dissuade her from the trip, and maybe she had been, but her mother had hit on an essential truth. She was leaving the art world behind.
“Did I say something to upset you?” Cody must have sensed her shift in mood.
“No, I’m sorry.” Lillie rolled her shoulders back and raised her head. She offered Cody a weak smile. “Your comment just reminded me of something, that’s all.”
They were quiet again. People strolled about; a few kids ran past as they played tag in and out of the other pedestrians on deck. The sun was higher in the sky and had warmed the air. Lillie removed her shawl and laid it across her lap.
“So, you said you’re from Arkansas? I’ve never been there.” Lillie wanted to stop thinking about her derailed painting career and think of Cody instead.
“Well, I’ve never been to New York, so I guess we’re even.”
“Are you really going to California?”
“That’s my plan. My brothers headed out there a couple of years ago. They sent a letter saying they were settled and working with a timber outfit north of San Francisco.”
“How many brothers do you have?”
“Two. Adam and James.”
“Sisters?”
“One. Ellen, she’s a few years younger than me.”
Lillie thought Cody might offer his age, but he didn’t. Maybe he was young after all. “I have two sisters, Emily and Sarah, but no brothers.”
They were quiet again for a few minutes, watching the other passengers mill about.
“So, where are you headed? Are you bound for California too?”
“Oh, no. Not nearly that far.” Lillie looked down and fingered the edge of the shawl folded across her lap. “I inherited a farm in the Kansas Territory from my uncle.”
“And you’re going there by yourself?” Cody’s comment made Lillie’s stomach clench. Was this a crazy idea? Well, she already knew her mother thought it was. Was her mother actually right this time?
“The way you asked that question makes me think my answer should be no.”
“I didn’t mean anything by it…I just meant…well, you just don’t look like someone who knows a lot about farming.”
Lillie laughed. “I’m going to choose to take that as a compliment.”
*
As Lillie retired to her cabin that evening, Cody’s words lingered. She’d done her best to push through her nervousness about striking out on her own for Kansas, but ever since their chat an uneasy feeling had hovered around her like a fog. Could she really manage a farm on her own?
She lay under the covers on the narrow bunk and stared at the ceiling. She was suddenly wide-awake, thinking of all that could go wrong. The truth of it was that she knew so little of farming that she probably couldn’t even anticipate everything that might go wrong. That was a sobering thought, and not a pleasant one.
Maybe when she reached Independence her uncle’s attorney would have some advice for her. He might recommend a hired man that she could bring along to assist with the day-to-day running of her uncle’s place, at least until she got the hang of things.
She played that scheme out a little in her mind. She’d be alone with some strange man in the middle of the Kansas Territory where she knew no one and would have no one to ask for help. Her uncle’s attorney might suggest someone he believed to be reputable, but what if he wasn’t?
Lillie sat bolt upright, her breathing quick and her heart jumping in her chest.
What if she’d made a terrible mistake traveling west? She took deep, slow breaths and tried to settle her churning stomach. One thing at a time. Just focus on one thing at a time. To focus on all of it all at once was too much.
Lillie decided she’d meet with the attorney, and if she had serious misgivings afterward, then she’d just turn around and return to New York. Her mother would no doubt be thrilled with that decision. Never mind that Lillie would likely never hear the end of how her mother had been right all along.
She sank back onto the thin mattress and yanked the blanket up to her chin, white-knuckling the edge of the frayed covering as if her life depended on it. The journey up river would take several more days. That would surely give her time to construct some sort of plan.
Chapter Twelve
Two days had passed since Lillie had invited Cody to join her for breakfast. And Lillie had made sure to find Cody for every meal since then. Edward seemed to have reluctantly gotten the hint that Lillie preferred Cody’s company at mealtime and for the times in between. However, he always still managed to find a seat near them at the table.
Lillie leaned over the rail to look at the ground below. Late in the day, the captain had tied the steamer off for the night, partly to avoid snags in the dark but also to bring more wood on board. The boat had been anchored to the riverbank near a small grassy field ringed by trees. Passengers happy for a little freedom away from the boat had gathered on the bank, and it looked as if a footrace was about to get underway.
“Should we go join them?” Nan mimicked Lillie’s position at the rail, looking at the ground below.
“Yes, most definitely.”
As they drew close to those gathered on shore, Lillie could see that passengers from both first class and steerage were joining the competition. She searched the loosely gathered crowd for Cody. She finally spotted him joking around with Griffin. His white shirt was like a beacon in the crowd. She couldn’t look away. Then someone shouted for everyone to line up.
Those who only wanted to watch moved to the sideline, closest to the boat.
“Oh, look, Edward, Griffin, and Cody are all in this race.”
Lillie leaned around a tall man in front of her for a better view. There were probably ten or fifteen boys and men in an uneven line, side by side. “Hmm, I wouldn’t have figured Edward for the sporting sort.”
“I’m guessing it’s more about competing with Cody than any love of sports.”
Lillie laughed. “You’re probably right.”
A fellow off to one side of the haphazard line of competitors fired his pistol in the air, and the group sprinted down the field. At the far end of the grassy open space, maybe a hundred yards away, two other men had planted themselves to mark a finish line.
Everyone cheered and shouted the names of those competing. Lillie had to stand on tiptoes to see. She shifted to the right as the crowd separated a little so that she finally had a good view of the racers. She could see Cody in a small cluster of men that included Edward. They weren’t in the lead, but they weren’t bringing up the last position either.
Then she lost sight of Cody’s white shirt. She moved out of the cluster of spectators for a better look. Cody was on the ground and then like a shot he was up, lunging for Edward. Cody shoved Edward and then Edward swung at him. Then Cody swung back. Several men closed ranks around them, and it looked as if Griffin was trying to insinuate himself into the flailing cluster. Lillie and Nan rushed toward the disturbance.
By the time Lillie reached the other end of the field, Griffin had succeeded in putting himself between Cody and Edward, but there was blood on Cody’s face and shirt. Edward’s nose was gushing too.
“You just keep away from me!” Cody struggled against Griffin as he jabbed a finger in Edward’s direction. Edward wiped at the blood on his face with his sleeve.
“Just leave it.” Griffin pushed Cody to the sideline.
“He shoved me on purpose.” Cody’s lip was bleeding, and his shirt had smears of dirt and grass.
“I saw it. He’s not worth it. Just leave it.” Griffin turned to watch Edward.
Cody was breathing hard and visibly still agitated.
“You’re bleeding.” Lillie put her hand on Cody’s arm and forced him to look at her. “Come with me.” She tugged him toward the boat. She paused and looked back at Griffin and Nan. “Thank you, Griffin.”
Griffin nodded.
“I’m fine.” Cody tried to pull away from Lillie.
“You’re not fine. You’re lip is bleeding and you’ve got a cut near your eye.”
They climbed the gangway onto deck and then Lillie walked them toward her cabin and shoved Cody inside.
“I can’t be in here.” Cody started for the door.
“Yes, you can. No one is even around. Now sit down. I’ll get some water and clean that cut.” Cody stood frozen in the center of the small space so Lillie decided to be a bit more demanding. “I said, sit down.”
Cody’s heart was thundering in her chest, and she wasn’t sure if the adrenaline charging through her system was because of the fistfight or because she was in Lillie’s cabin. Probably both. Lillie gave her a stern look and didn’t leave the room until Cody sat on the floor.
She leaned against the back wall of the space as she wedged herself into a bit of floor between a small desk anchored to one wall and a narrow bunk along the other. Lillie left briefly only to return with a pan of water and a cloth. She closed the door and knelt on the floor next to Cody. The room smelled of Lillie’s lavender perfume, and Cody’s head began to swim.
“You don’t have to do this.” Cody was very aware of Lillie’s nearness in the small space.
“I know I don’t have to do it, I want to do it.” She wet the cloth, rung it out, and then gently wiped at Cody’s lip.
Cody flinched. “Sorry, it doesn’t really hurt. That just stung a little.”
Lillie moved the cloth from her lip to the scrape near her eye. “What happened? I couldn’t really see from where I was standing.”
“We were getting close to the finish line. I was pulling ahead of Edward, and he shoved me.”
Lillie leaned back to rest on her heels. She frowned. “Well, I would never have expected such unsportsmanlike conduct from him.”
“He’s a jackass.”
Lillie laughed.
“I’m sorry. I should watch my language.” Cody had gotten used to hanging around with men and not having to watch the way she talked. She knew she should temper that when a woman was present, but she’d forgotten herself.
“Your language is perfect.” Lillie leaned closer as if she was studying the scrape, but then her eyes refocused on Cody’s.
It was as if someone had just lit a furnace in the room. Cody’s skin was getting hot and her heart was pounding again. She’d almost forgotten to be nervous for a minute while they’d joked about Edward, but now Lillie was looking at her. She was more than looking at her. She was giving Cody a look that was reaching right into her soul.
Lillie drew closer, hesitated, and then kissed her.
Lillie’s lips were soft and warm. Her lips lingered on Cody’s.
Cody held her breath.
The walls of the cabin seemed to shrink inward. Blood was thumping in her ears, and the hummingbirds were back in her stomach. And Lillie had no idea who she was really kissing. It was almost as if Cody had forgotten too.
Cody broke the kiss and awkwardly lurched to her feet. But the kiss had made her head fuzzy. Blood rushed to her brain, and she swayed on her feet before she could reach the door.
Lillie stepped in front of her and blocked her exit.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. I just thought…I thought…” Lillie’s words trailed off, and her expression of hurt was like another punch in the face for Cody.
“You didn’t do anything wrong.” Tell her. “I’m the one who should apologize.” Tell her, goddammit.
“You’re in a relationship already. I kne
w it.”
“No, it’s not that.”
“Then what is it? What do you have to apologize for?”
Cody wanted to tell Lillie the truth. She’d almost done it the day before but then chickened out. At first she’d worried that she couldn’t trust Lillie, but the more she knew of Lillie the more that seemed like a silly concern. What worried her more now was that once Lillie knew the truth she wouldn’t want to be friends any longer. Cody wasn’t ready to give Lillie up so she’d dragged her feet about confiding in her. And now she’d waited too long. She’d made a mess of things for sure. Just tell her.
“I’m not who you think I am.” Just say the words.
“What does that mean?”
Cody closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She felt Lillie’s hand on her arm and opened her eyes again.
“Cody, just tell me,” Lillie softly pleaded.
“I’m a girl.” There. She’d blurted it out.
“What?”
“I know you think I’m a boy, but I’m not. I’m a girl.” Cody figured she might as well just get it all out while she could. She swallowed the knot of emotion rising in her throat. “These are my cousin Charlie’s clothes. I thought I’d fare better dressed this way heading west. I could travel by myself, get any kind of work. I thought I’d have more options. But I never figured I’d meet…you.”
She didn’t know how to interpret the expression on Lillie’s face. She didn’t seem mad or upset or even overly surprised. She also hadn’t said anything, which made Cody feel like the room was closing in on her again. And the tears were coming. The last thing she wanted was to break down in Lillie’s room, in front of her. She moved past Lillie to the door.
“I’ll go. I’m truly sorry.”
“Cody, wait.”
But she didn’t wait, and she didn’t look back. Cody wanted to be away. She wanted to be alone. She’d ruined everything.
*
Crossing the Wide Forever Page 7