Crossing the Wide Forever
Page 8
Lillie stood in the doorway speechless.
Her first instinct was to run after Cody, but if she caught her she wasn’t sure what she’d say. She was surprised by Cody’s revelation, but at the same time she wasn’t. Cody’s admission answered some nagging curiosities Lillie had had, but it also raised other questions. Questions about herself.
Preparations for the evening meal were underway. A flurry of activity obliterated Cody’s exit path.
Tables were placed end to end and chairs settled into a long line at each side. Stewards spread white cloths and arranged dinnerware. Lillie turned away from the scene. She closed the door and dropped onto the bunk.
She’d kissed Cody.
Cody was a woman.
Why wasn’t she more upset?
There’d been something unusual about Cody from the very beginning. Lillie had sensed it but couldn’t quite put her finger on what the difference was. Given more time she very well might have guessed the truth, but in the end, she’d forced her affections on Cody, and Cody obviously felt compelled to reveal herself because of it. Cody had put herself at risk because of Lillie. Cody could even be arrested for wearing men’s clothing if found out.
Of course she would never expose Cody’s secret, but Cody might not know that. She had to find Cody and reassure her.
Just as she opened her door, the bell rang to signal that the first seating for dinner was being served. Nan swept past and caught her by the hand pulling her toward the table. Lillie searched the faces around her, but Cody was nowhere in sight.
They sat down and almost immediately, Edward took the open chair next to Lillie. She glared at him and without a word, got up and moved to the other side of the table. Nan moved to sit next to her, across from Griffin.
“Are you okay?” whispered Nan.
“I’m fine, but after the way Edward acted earlier I’m in no mood to provide polite company for dinner.” Lillie spread the white linen napkin across her lap.
“Where’s Cody?”
“I don’t know.”
Nan patted Lillie’s hand. “We’ll find him after supper.”
Lillie simply nodded. She wasn’t actually very hungry, but she thought it was best to try to eat at least a small serving of food. No doubt Cody thought Lillie was angry and was avoiding her. The thought of having hurt Cody in some way settled in the pit of Lillie’s stomach like a stone, ruining her appetite.
She listened to the chatter all around her but remained quiet through the meal. Edward had the beginnings of a black eye, which pleased her. She’d glanced his way when he was otherwise distracted. She certainly didn’t want to give him the impression that she cared one way or the other.
Lillie finished eating before the others and excused herself. She couldn’t sit any longer, the urge to go look for Cody was making her legs twitch under her long skirt.
Edward caught up to her just as she left the main cabin for the open air of the deck.
“Lillie, I don’t know what I’ve done to upset you, but—”
“Please take your hand off my arm.” Lillie tried to stay calm, despite the fact that she was furious. After a brief hesitation, he let go.
“I know you’ve convinced yourself that you have some infatuation for Cody Walsh, but he is beneath you. I’m trying to save you from embarrassing yourself and ruining your life.”
Rage flared in Lillie’s chest, making it hard for her to breathe.
“Edward, you have no right to say such a thing to me. You are not my father, my brother, or my husband.” She drew herself up and stepped closer, speaking to him firmly yet quietly so as not to make a scene, although making a scene would have been quite gratifying at the moment. “And even if you were any of those relations to me you would still not have the right to tell me how to conduct my affairs. I will choose my own friends.”
She turned abruptly and he reached for her again.
“Lillie, I’m trying to help you. You’re being a foolish girl. Cody will only disappoint you. He’s not the sort of man who can give you the life you deserve.”
Edward had called her a foolish girl. He might as well have slapped her face. He’d unwittingly triggered a highly sensitive nerve.
“Edward Franklin, you are an arrogant, narcissistic, self-serving jackass.” She’d intentionally used Cody’s word, and the label had the desired effect. Edward let his hand drop to his side and regarded her with wide eyes.
She turned and stormed down the length of the deck. Edward didn’t follow.
*
It was fully dark, and Cody heard the dinner bell from the shore, but she wasn’t hungry. Even when the third bell sounded she didn’t go back to the ship.
She’d taken Shadow out for a bit of exercise and had walked the length of the open field so many times that she’d worn what looked like deer trails into the tall grass.
The idea of taking Shadow and riding the rest of the way on horseback had been pondered. But she also considered that leaving without talking to Lillie might be something she’d regret, possibly forever.
She’d left so abruptly that she hadn’t given Lillie a chance to say anything. And now she was afraid to see her. What if Lillie told everyone?
No, she honestly didn’t think Lillie would do such a thing. But how would she know for sure if she didn’t talk to her?
And what about that kiss?
Cody knew Lillie had kissed her because she thought Cody was a man, but Cody couldn’t escape the discovery that she liked it. She’d wanted to be close to Lillie ever since the first moment she held Lillie’s hand in hers and helped her into the wagon. That same tingly sensation rippled through her nervous system every time they touched.
Cody walked Shadow back to the boat and then cut back across the field toward the tree line. She rested her arm across the broad trunk of an old oak tree and leaned her forehead against her arm. She let out a long sigh and closed her eyes.
“Cody?”
She whipped around to find Lillie standing a few feet away, softly lit by the moon like some ghostly figure conjured by wishful thinking.
“Lillie, you shouldn’t be out here.”
“I’m tired of people telling me what I should and shouldn’t do.” Lillie took a step toward her.
“I didn’t mean to boss you. It’s just…there are critters out here.” Cody ran her fingers briskly through her hair. Who was she to tell Lillie anything?
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sound angry.”
“No, I’m the one who’s sorry.” There was that knot rising in her throat again. Cody swallowed it down and crossed her arms in front of her chest. She was trying to look everywhere but at Lillie, because seeing the hurt in Lillie’s eyes would be the end of her.
“Let’s stop apologizing and just talk.”
Lillie didn’t sound mad. She sounded surprisingly calm. She put her hands on Cody’s folded arms forcing Cody to look at her.
“What happens now?” Cody desperately wanted to know.
“Well, first, I want to tell you that I’m not angry. Okay?”
Cody nodded.
“And second, I’m not going to reveal your secret to anyone.”
“Thank you.” The tension in Cody’s shoulders eased a bit.
“I missed you at supper.”
“You did?”
“Of course I did. Cody…I like you. I like you a lot.”
“I like you a lot, too.” That was probably the understatement of the century. Cody liked Lillie so much that she could hardly think of anything else. Even the excitement of traveling to California dimmed when compared to thinking of time with Lillie. Cody didn’t even know what name to give the feelings of fondness she had for Lillie, but not having a name for them made them no less powerful.
“I saved you some biscuits from dinner.” Lillie revealed a handkerchief folded over two biscuits filled with thick slices of ham. Cody gladly accepted the offered food. Her appetite was coming back now that they were talking again.
“I know.” Lillie leaned her back against the tree trunk as Cody ate. “It seems we were fated to meet, don’t you think?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, you helped me with my trunks when I first arrived in St. Louis. And then of all the steamships we could have chosen, we both ended up on this one.” Lillie smiled. “That seems like fate to me.”
“I suppose so.”
“There was some reason we were supposed to meet, Cody Walsh.”
Food and conversation were helping. The clenched muscles in Cody’s stomach began to let go. She took a few slow deep breaths between mouthfuls. The night air was humid and warm. Cody was starting to relax and then she remembered how this had all begun.
“Lillie, about that kiss.”
“I’m sorry about that—”
“I’m not.” Cody cut her off.
“You didn’t mind the kiss?”
“No, I didn’t mind it.”
Lillie regarded Cody’s serious expression in the moonlight. Her pulse quickened because sometime between Cody running out of her cabin and finding Cody in the field the truth had slowly revealed itself to her. And the truth was that she’d liked the kiss too. She’d apologized, but she wasn’t really sorry, and if given half the chance she wasn’t sure she wouldn’t do it again. Now it seemed as if Cody might not mind if she did. She smiled.
“Shall we walk back to the boat?”
“Yeah, maybe we should.”
Lillie looped her arm through Cody’s as she’d done many times in the past few days. It felt good to be close to Cody, and more than anything, she wanted them to remain close. No one needed to know Cody’s true identity. As long as everyone believed Cody to be a man she would continue to help Cody with the disguise. Concealing the truth worked in Lillie’s favor too if it protected her from unwanted attention from the likes of Edward Franklin.
They strolled slowly back toward the ship arm in arm. Fireflies hovered just above the tall grass, the yellow glow of their nocturnal dance pulsed on and off as if to celebrate their affection for one another. They were four days into a cruise up the Missouri River that would last at least several more, plenty of time to figure everything out.
Chapter Thirteen
The next morning after breakfast, Lillie strolled out onto the wide upper deck outside the main cabin. She was leaning against the railing, lost in thought and didn’t know Nan was nearby until she spoke.
“Where did Cody get off to?”
“He went to see about his horse down in the stable area.” Cody had been with her at breakfast, but they’d been unusually quiet with each other. Lillie pulled her bonnet forward to shield her eyes from the sun.
“Is everything all right with you two?”
“Yes, I mean, of course…why wouldn’t it be?” Lillie was afraid she’d somehow given away Cody’s secret. But that was a silly thought and she dismissed it. There was no reason for her to think that. Nan was just asking a normal question. She needed to relax. “Sorry, I think I’m just a bit jumpy since the fight between Cody and Edward yesterday.”
Nan nodded. She seemed to accept Lillie’s explanation for being on edge.
“You really like Cody, don’t you?”
“I do.” Lillie cleared her throat. “Yes, I do. Is it so obvious?”
“Being obvious isn’t a bad thing as far as I can tell.” Nan shifted with her back against the railing so that she partially faced Lillie. She smiled playfully. “You could do far worse than Cody Walsh.”
“Do you think so?”
“He’s cute, attentive, good natured, he has a kind way about him, and he sure seems interested in you.”
“He is very sweet to me.” It felt a little odd to refer to Cody as he now that she knew that wasn’t true, but to protect Cody that’s what she would need to do.
“He’s also a bit shy isn’t he?” Nan paused and then cocked her head slightly at Lillie. “Do you think he’s considering a proposal?”
“What?” Lillie’s voice went up an octave. She covered her mouth and looked around to see if anyone had registered her blurted reaction. No one was nearby. No one seemed to be paying them any attention. “Do you mean, propose marriage?”
“Well, yes. Why not?”
“I…” Lillie was at a loss. “I hadn’t thought of it I guess.”
“You hadn’t thought of it at all?”
That wasn’t entirely true. She had thought of Cody in a romantic sense. Ever since Cody had rescued her from the runaway mule she’d reflected back on what it felt like to be held by Cody. If she were to be honest, she had thought of being with Cody, even though she wasn’t sure what that meant. But now that she knew Cody was a woman, none of that could happen. Could it?
“I suppose I have thought of it.” Lillie was looking into the distance, allowing her eyes to lose focus. Why couldn’t they be together if everyone believed Cody was a man? Suddenly, ideas were filling Lillie’s head. Why hadn’t she thought of this herself? It wasn’t that she was in a rush to get married in the traditional sense, but she did need a partner. Someone who could help her get established on the farm in Kansas. And Cody needed the cover of a wife.
She looked at Nan, and for a moment they simply studied each other.
“You’re thinking it over aren’t you?”
She smiled at Nan. “You’re a mind reader. Yes, I’m considering it. And I rather like the idea.”
“You might have to drop a hint for Cody then. I’m not sure he’s confident enough about your affection to ask. Although, after yesterday, after the way you fussed over him he might just be figuring things out.” Nan grinned mischievously. “Don’t look now, but he’s walking this way.”
Lillie turned just as Cody drew near to where they were standing.
“Hi.” He tipped his hat to Nan and then Lillie. “I hope I’m not interrupting.”
“Not at all, Cody. Actually, I was just about to go look for Griffin. If I don’t keep track of him he’ll get himself lost in a card game or worse.” She gave Lillie a small wave. “I’ll come find you later.”
“Bye.”
Lillie felt her cheeks flame warmly at the conversation Cody had almost stumbled into. She smoothed down the front of her dress and then smiled up at Cody hoping she wasn’t blushing.
“I didn’t mean to scare her off.” Cody seemed nervous too. She fidgeted with the brim of her hat as she held it in her hands. It was one thing to discuss things in the dark of night, but in the light of day they were both obviously struggling to act as if nothing had happened. They had kissed, and Cody had revealed her true identity to Lillie. These were big things, intimate things. Lillie felt closer to Cody in some ways and miles apart in others. She wanted so terribly to say the right things and do the right things.
“You didn’t scare her off. We were just chatting.”
“It must be nice to have someone you can confide in.” The shadow of sadness that passed across Cody’s face tugged at Lillie’s heart.
“You do have someone to confide in.” Lillie almost whispered the words as she touched Cody’s arm. Cody looked up and met her gaze.
“Thank you.”
“Cody, last night when I said I liked you, I meant it.”
“That means a lot to me. And I want you to know that I meant it too.”
“I just…I feel a little nervous for some reason today.” Lillie thought if she were honest about how she was feeling that it might diffuse the tension in the air between them.
“I feel a bit anxious too. Why do you suppose that is?”
“I don’t know. Maybe we should take a walk around the deck until it passes.” Lillie smiled at Cody.
“I think that’s a good suggestion.” Cody offered her arm to Lillie. They strolled slowly down the deck, and for the first time all morning, Lillie felt lighter. Being with Cody somehow ju
st felt right.
*
Cody rolled onto her back so that she could look at the stars overhead. It was a pleasant night, with clear skies so she’d tugged her thin cotton mattress out onto the main deck. Sleeping men were strewn about on mattresses, and she wanted some quiet, away from the chorus of snores in the main cabin. Water lapped softly against the side of the hull. On any other night the muted rhythmic sound would have lulled her to sleep, but for some reason tonight she was all wrought up inside. Her unsettled insides clenched and knotted and begged for release.
She slipped the leather string from inside her shirt and rubbed her mother’s wedding ring between her fingers. She tried to picture her mother’s face, but as the years passed, it was becoming harder and harder to call forth her likeness. What would her mother think of Cody’s trek westward? There was no way to guess, but thinking of her mother reminded her of Ellen, and a wave of homesickness washed over her.
She wasn’t missing her father’s house so much as she was homesick for the familiar. She’d spent her whole life in Arkansas. Her people were there, except for her brothers, and she’d left her sister there. She allowed herself to fret over Ellen for a few minutes until the tears threatened to come, then she redirected her thoughts. Ellen was fine. Ellen was with family who’d look after her until Cody could send for her. She’d write to Ellen once she reached Independence.
Once she’d put those thoughts to rest, her mind turned to Lillie.
They had a few more days on the steamship together and then they’d have to say good-bye. The thought of losing Lillie’s friendship gave her stomach a turn. Lillie was confident and clearly had an adventurous streak, but Cody feared she was naïve to the ways of rustic life. And to the dangers that might befall her along the way once she was outside the structure of more settled regions. Cody knew what it was like to live in a remote area. A woman in those circumstances had to be prepared to defend herself against all manner of harm. The thought of Lillie under any sort of threat gave her a chill.
Cody rolled onto her side and pulled her knees up toward her chest under the threadbare wool blanket. Maybe she should confide her fears to Lillie. If Lillie had a better picture of what she was about to be up against maybe she’d reconsider her path.