Crossing the Wide Forever

by Missouri Vaun

  Shallow trenches had been dug in the freshly turned soil, which hindered Lillie’s progress as she crossed the dirt with a wooden bucket of seed potatoes. They’d already been cut into quarters so that each eye had enough potato flesh around it.

  Cody looked up as she approached. Just making eye contact with Cody today made her flesh tingle.

  “We just need to drop a seed piece in the ground every foot or so.” Cody took the bucket from her.

  “Okay, then what?” Lillie pulled a wedge from the pail and dropped it in the dirt.

  “Then they just need to be hilled up.”

  “What does that mean?”

  Cody chuckled. “It means we pile some dirt on them with the hoe.”

  “Oh. Well, should I follow behind and do that while you plant them?”

  “Sure.”

  Lillie was anxious to get back to her easel and paints that she’d abandoned the previous afternoon. She was feeling oddly inspired and feared if she didn’t take some time to paint today she might explode.

  After another hour or so, Lillie left Cody to other tasks near the barn, washed up, and went back to the spot she’d staked out earlier. She’d left the unpainted paper on the easel all night so she’d have to wet and flatten it in order to actually use it. There’d been enough dew to waffle the edges so that they’d curled up.

  As she sat in the chair looking west, somehow the scene looked different, changed. Or was it she who had changed?

  Lillie wet some pigment with water and swept it across the freshly mounted paper and then back, creating layers that overlapped. Transparent upon first application, but when seen together, each wide stroke created a luscious, thinly textured scene. Surface, scale, and color came together in a sort of visual poetry that she’d never quite achieved before. In this moment, the familiar seemed mystical, heated with excitement.

  Color exploded on the page, and she cautioned herself silently not to overwork the image. She was trying to capture a feeling as much as the literal landscape in front of her. Her goal was to strike something equally balanced between lyrical and profound.

  Lillie stood with a brush still in her hand and stepped away from the easel, breathless and flushed.

  Something had shifted for her. The light. The air. The way she viewed the world. A painting that normally she would have labored over, sweating every insignificant detail had sprung from her instinctively all in a rush of blazing inspiration. In this moment, in this painting, the external felt found, intimate. In a way it never had before.

  *

  Evening seemed to arrive quickly after a busy and an artistically fulfilling day. Lillie watched Cody amble across the room toward the bedroom. Dinner was behind them, and the house was dark and quiet except for the lanterns lit in the kitchen. Cody was getting undressed. Low light filtered in through the open door from the main room, but Cody had her back to the door, so Lillie couldn’t see Cody’s face.

  She wrapped her arms around Cody from behind and helped with the buttons of her shirt. As the shirt fell away, Lillie placed light kisses all across Cody’s shoulders. The scars were still there, but she found that they no longer shocked her, plus, the salve seemed to be helping them fade.

  Cody’s stomach muscles twitched beneath her palms as she let her fingers trail across her exposed skin. She unfastened Cody’s belt and trousers so that her touch could drift farther down. Cody moaned softly and swayed a little in her arms.

  “Why don’t you get in bed?” Lillie brushed her lips against Cody’s shoulder as she spoke. Cody simply nodded. She let her trousers pool at her feet and then stepped out of them.

  Cody lay down and watched Lillie from the bed. Lillie took note of how much more open Cody was. She was lying on her back with her arms folded behind her head, completely exposing her chest and torso to Lillie above the blanket.

  Lillie took her time undressing. She enjoyed the fact that Cody seemed enthralled with her bedtime preparation.

  Instead of curling up next to Cody, once undressed, she pulled the covering back and straddled Cody’s hips. She tossed her hair over her shoulder and twisted it in an attempt to tame it. She moved on top of Cody, pressing their centers together.

  Cody sat up, drew Lillie close, and kissed her neck and chest. Then she fell back, pulling Lillie with her.

  “Lillie, you’re so beautiful.” Cody brushed hair away from her cheek. “I look at you and I can’t believe I get to be with you like this.”

  “Cody, I think the same thing. You steal my breath.” She kissed Cody, teasing with her tongue.

  Cody shifted beneath her, insinuating her tormenting fingers into a most sensitive place. Lillie opened herself for Cody. She took Cody in fully. She hungrily fed on Cody’s mouth in response to each thrust.

  Lillie was consumed by the erotic topography of Cody’s body. She was strangely surprised at how little space separated them in this moment. Her skin as translucent as the wind, her soul felt pierced through and pulled to pieces.

  With her eyes closed, she saw a thousand tiny lights and sensed the edge drawing near. Like thunder at dusk spreading over the darkened landscape, her climax pounded in her ears and between her legs. Her cries swelled, pregnant with desire and release. Loose ends not fastened down came undone as she gave herself over, letting go, leaving everything behind.

  She collapsed, trembling in Cody’s arms.

  Cody caressed her hair and kissed her forehead.

  Later, after Cody was asleep, in the absolute darkest hour of the night, she lay with her cheek on Cody’s chest. She wondered if Cody knew the truth of it all. That she was falling in love.

  For the first time.

  Deeply and irrevocably.

  Chapter Twenty-four

  Days passed, filled with the varied tasks of bringing the farm to life. A milk cow and her calf loafed in the small enclosure near the barn. The potatoes were in the ground, and Cody had started preparing another field for the corn.

  Breaking the tough sod of the prairie was difficult. The breaking plow, yoked to Ned and Britt, turned a strip of sod from twenty to thirty inches wide. Cody guided the plow but had a difficult time keeping it in the ground. After the first few attempts, she had to ask Lillie to sit on the beam for extra weight to help keep the plow sunk in the dirt.

  They’d invited the Marshalls over for Sunday lunch the following week. The Sabbath was the only day not filled with chores. Beth and Joshua were becoming fast friends.

  Because of the recent violence over slavery in parts of Kansas, during their recent visit Joshua had advised Cody to keep his Colt strapped to his side when he was working. It proved to be a hindrance at times, and late in the day she took the belt off and set it at the edge of the field.

  They had decided to plant corn in addition to potatoes. Corn was particularly well-fitted to grow with a minimum amount of preparation for planting. It was also fairly easy to harvest, although the price of the crop in the territories was low.

  It was probably only four o’clock by the sun, but Cody’s energy waned. Lillie had gone to the house to start something for dinner, and Cody went about unhitching the team and stowing the plow and harness.

  The harness seemed heavier than usual as she hung it in the barn. Or maybe she was just tired. She hadn’t quite felt like herself all day. She pressed her fingers to her temples. Her head was pounding; she felt droopy and waterlogged. In the field, every time she leaned over she had to struggle to keep her balance. Her heavy head threatened to topple her. She trudged to the house on sluggish legs.

  Dinner was soup made of leftover canned goods from their journey, with a bit of bacon thrown into the tomato-based broth. Cody wasn’t hungry. She sat staring at the steaming bowl Lillie set in front of her.

  Lillie was chatting, but Cody was having a hard time following what she was saying.

  “…need fabric for drapes…I was thinking blue would be nice…Beth offered to help…” Bits of what Lillie said sifted in and out of the fog inside he
r brain.

  She was looking down at her spoon that she still hadn’t picked up when she realized Lillie had stopped speaking. Lillie was staring at her across the table, a concerned look on her face.

  “Cody? Are you not hungry?”

  “Um, I don’t feel quite right.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I think I’ll go lay down.” In her attempt to get out of her chair she almost fell down.

  Lillie was around the table quickly, helping Cody walk toward the bed. Cody fell onto the mattress on her side. Lillie’s hand felt cool against her forehead.

  “Cody, you’re burning up.”

  “Am I?” Her voice sounded muted, far off, her tongue thick in her mouth.

  “How long have you been feeling this way?”

  “I’m not sure…maybe…since this morning…I don’t know…” All she wanted to do was shut her eyes. Just for a minute. She’d just shut her eyes for a minute and rest a spell. That’s all she needed, a little rest.

  *

  Worry gathered in Lillie’s mind like a dark cloud.

  Cody was so delirious with fatigue that Lillie had to help her with her clothing and boots. Cody had collapsed back onto the pillow and instantly fallen asleep. She’d been hot to the touch, but now she was shivering.

  Lillie gathered every blanket in the house and piled them on top of her.

  “Cody, can you hear me?”

  Cody mumbled something incoherent. Panic set in.

  A fever like this could be deadly. It could be yellow fever, or malaria, or the one she’d heard members of the wagon train refer to ague. Ague was a rather undefined fever, as no one seemed to know its source, but it was no less life threatening.

  Lillie paced in the main room, considering options. She thought of Beth.

  Beth had training as a nurse. She’d know what to do. She’d certainly know more than Lillie did. It wasn’t quite dark yet, although it would be soon. If she left now she could bring Beth to the house before it was fully nightfall.

  Lillie looked back at Cody. She could see her shaking under the covers even from several feet away. She didn’t think she should wait any longer.

  “Cody, I’m going to get Beth.” Lillie tucked the covers tightly around Cody. “I’ll be right back. Don’t worry. I’ll be right back.”

  Cody didn’t respond. She wasn’t even sure if she was awake enough to hear her.

  Lillie saddled Shadow as quickly as she could and rode out at a fast gallop. Her heart rate didn’t slow until she saw the lights of Beth and Joshua’s house in the distance. She knocked on the door. She was out of breath from her night flight aboard Shadow.

  “Lillie? Is something wrong?”

  Fear must have been obvious on her face. She simply nodded and fought the urge to burst into tears. Lillie swallowed them down.

  “It’s Cody.” Lillie paused and took a breath. “Cody is sick. I don’t know what to do. I thought—”

  “Let me get my bag.” Beth cut her off. She stood on the stoop as Beth disappeared into the house. She came back shortly with a black leather bag that looked like a doctor’s bag. Beth turned and spoke to Joshua. “Don’t wait up and don’t bring Patience to the house until we know what it is.”

  Joshua nodded. He shut the door behind them.

  “I didn’t bring the wagon.” Lillie made quick steps back to Shadow.

  “That’s okay. I can ride with you.”

  Lillie climbed into the saddle first then let Beth have the stirrup and assisted her with a hand so that she settled behind Lillie. Beth held the bag in one hand and wrapped her other arm around Lillie as Shadow shot off into the deepening dark.

  *

  Lillie held the lantern higher so that Beth could get a better look at Cody. She felt Cody’s forehead and then her wrist.

  “His pulse is fast.” Beth had a look of genuine concern on her face. “When did the symptoms start?”

  “I didn’t notice anything until we were sitting at the table for supper, but Cody said he’d been feeling odd since this morning. When I left, Cody seemed badly chilled. That’s why there are so many blankets.”

  “Well, he’s burning up now.” Beth removed the top two blankets. “We need to cool him down with some cold compresses right away.”

  “What are you doing?”

  “I’m getting these blankets off so we can put cooling compresses right on his chest, directly on his skin.” Beth had gotten through all the blankets and had begun to unbutton Cody’s nightshirt.

  Lillie froze.

  “Stop!”

  Beth gave Lillie a confused look.

  Lillie was conflicted and scared. Beth had no idea that Cody was a woman, but she was about to figure it out the minute she opened Cody’s shirt. Cody was out, so there was no way to ask Cody’s permission before revealing the truth.

  “Oh, my God. Oh, my God.” Lillie covered her face with her hands.

  “Lillie, what is wrong?” Beth pushed Lillie into the adjoining room.

  “I don’t know what to do.” Lillie’s words were muffled behind her hands. It didn’t matter; she was talking more to herself anyway.

  “Lillie, we need to get his fever down. You asked me for help…I don’t understand now why you’re telling me to stop.”

  Lillie uncovered her face and took a deep breath.

  “I need to tell you something about Cody.”

  “Besides the fact that he’s sick?”

  “Yes…and I don’t know how you’ll react to what I’m about to tell you. But we’re friends.”

  “Yes, we’re friends.”

  “And I trust you.”

  “Lillie, whatever it is it can’t be that bad—”

  “Cody is a woman.”

  For a moment, Beth was wide-eyed and silent. Then she covered her smile with her hand.

  “You’re smiling?” Lillie wasn’t sure how to interpret Beth’s reaction.

  “I’m sorry. I had no idea what you were going to say, and that was the last thing I expected, but I’m not that surprised.”

  “You’re not?”

  “As a nurse, you see all sorts of things. I’ve known women who pretended to be soldiers to be with their husbands. I’ve known women who dressed as men to hide from an abusive spouse.” Beth held Lillie’s hands in hers. “There are many reasons to hide one’s sex, and I don’t judge anyone for doing it.” She looked back toward Cody in bed. “I’m mostly surprised at myself for not figuring it out. I mean, I wondered about the lack of facial hair, but otherwise, Cody is a very convincing boy.”

  “I know. When we first met I had no idea. And then we decided to travel together for safety…and…” She didn’t know how to explain the rest, but Lillie felt the knot in her stomach unclench a little.

  “Okay, well, now that this is settled, get some cool water and something that we can use for compresses.” Beth took the kettle and set it on the stove. “I’m going to boil some water for ginger tea. That will help with the chills that will likely return once we get the fever down. And I have quinine pills when the fever comes back, because I’m sure it will.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Lillie, don’t thank me yet. We have a long night ahead of us.”

  *

  Beth’s prediction had been accurate. Intermittent chills and fever afflicted Cody off and on all night. They’d pile on every blanket, then the shivering would subside so that the fever could return. Cody was fitful, mumbling that her head hurt, and she seemed rather delirious. She said things to Lillie, but most were indecipherable.

  At one point when Beth was applying compresses to her chest, she seemed to wake suddenly in a panic, wide-eyed, arms flailing. It took both of them to keep her from falling out of bed and hurting herself.

  Cody was now finally sleeping calmly. Her fever had lessened in the past hour. Lillie touched her forehead again and let her hand linger. She was still warm, but not as hot as before.

  The uncomfortable chair was the only thing
keeping Lillie awake. She yawned and rolled her shoulders and considered crawling into bed next to Cody.

  This whole experience had frightened her badly. She was far from home and far from help. If Beth hadn’t been nearby would she have known what to do? She wasn’t sure.

  “Why don’t you take a turn on the cot in the other room?” Beth put her hand on Lillie’s shoulder. “I’ll sit with Cody for a while. You’ll need your strength for tomorrow so you should get a little rest while you can.”

  “Thank you. Maybe I will lie down for a quick nap.”

  Lillie stretched out on the narrow cot in the second small room across from her uncle’s writing desk. Moonlight lit a small square on the floor. She stared at it and allowed her exhausted brain to wander.

  What was she doing here? Was the freedom she felt worth the risks she might face here in this rough and remote territory?

  She missed her family. Life in New York had been comfortable and secure.

  Comfortable, secure, and stifling she reminded herself. She was just tired, that was all. A little rest would help ease her worried mind. Cody had finally broken through the fever and was resting, so that she could finally rest too.

  *

  Cody blinked, confused about what time it was. She didn’t remember getting into bed, but she sensed she was lying down. The room was barely lit by a candle on the dresser, and she was dimly aware that someone was in the room with her, in a chair beside the bed. She jolted awake when she realized it wasn’t Lillie.

  “Hey, you’re awake. Don’t try to get up.” Beth put a hand on her forehead.

  Cody flinched involuntarily. What was Beth doing here? Where was Lillie? Why did she feel so strange? Dizziness forced her to settle back onto the pillow. She blinked her eyes to get them to clear.

  “Would you like some water?” Beth held a cup to her lips and assisted her head off the pillow enough to drink.

  Cody’s throat was parched and scratchy. She coughed but nodded when Beth asked her if she wanted more. After a few sips she settled back and tried to sort through recent memory.