Crossing the Wide Forever

by Missouri Vaun

  Shortly, the bodies of the two men were loaded onto the buckboard and carried back to Emporia, along with their saddle horses and their small amount of gear.

  Lillie and Cody helped clean up the remains of the confrontation: the broken dishes, the blood on the floor, and the toppled furniture.

  Lillie made some food in the early evening, fed Patience, and put her to bed.

  Joshua woke up a couple of hours before that. Beth had cleaned and stitched up the wound in his shoulder while he’d still been out. When he’d first come to he’d been panicked until he saw Beth and she assured him she’d been unharmed. He would need a day or two of bed rest.

  “He’s finally asleep again. I gave him a little laudanum for the pain.” Beth took a seat at the table across from Cody.

  “Patience is asleep. I just checked on her a minute ago.” Lillie poured Beth a cup of tea and handed it to her.

  “I don’t know how to thank you both for everything that you’ve done today. I don’t know what—” A sob choked her words, and she covered her face with her hands. Lillie moved closer and wrapped her arms around Beth.

  “It’s okay. We were happy to help, Beth.”

  Beth nodded and wiped at her tears. “Cody, I don’t know what to say to you especially. I can’t even think of what might have happened if you’d second-guessed or not shown up when you did.”

  “Us girls have to look out for each other.” Cody winked at her, and for the first time all day, Beth smiled.

  “Yes, we do.”

  “Do you have any idea what those men were after?” Lillie took the seat next to Beth. If possible, she wanted to find out why this had happened. The randomness of the violence unnerved her.

  Beth shook her head and then took a sip of her tea.

  “Joshua had just come to the house for a late lunch. He’d put his rifle in the corner when he came in from the field, and we’d just sat down to eat.” She took another sip, and her eyes lost focus as if she were looking at the past. “They just burst in on us. Josh made a move for the rifle, and they shot him in the shoulder.” Her focus shifted and she looked at Lillie. “It all happened so fast.”

  “Did they say anything to you?” asked Cody.

  “Not anything really. They were talking about what they’d take with them. They were heading west and needed supplies.” She turned to look at Cody with a dark expression on her face. “I feel certain they would have killed us both and taken what they needed without giving it a second thought.”

  *

  It was well after dark when they rode home. Lillie had been afraid to leave Beth, but she’d assured them she was okay. Lillie had agreed only because she planned to return to check on them in the morning.

  If she’d been in Beth’s shoes, there’s no way she’d stay in the house without others there. Sure, Joshua was with her, but he was certainly not able-bodied. He was in no condition for anything but rest.

  She hadn’t even been there when the attack and subsequent shooting happened, she’d only seen the aftermath, and still, she was badly shaken. Cody seemed to be on edge so Lillie was trying her best to provide comfort rather than give in to her fears.

  Lillie lit a lamp in the kitchen and put a kettle on to boil.

  “I’m going to run a bath for you.”

  Cody looked at her with a forlorn expression on her face.

  “Aren’t you too tired for that?”

  “Yes, but I think this day needs to be washed away.”

  Cody nodded. “I’ll get some water from the pump.”

  The tub was still on the front porch tucked at the far end where only the slightest bit of ambient light reached it from the lantern in the kitchen. Lillie expected to move the bath indoors, but the summer temps had been so warm that for the time being they’d left it where it was. There was something nice about settling in for a good soak under the stars.

  She watched Cody sink into the tub and drop completely below its steaming surface. Cody stayed submerged for a moment then reappeared.

  Lillie decided to join her. She didn’t think Cody was even aware of the fact that she’d undressed until Lillie touched her shoulder. Cody seemed entirely lost in her own thoughts.

  “Lean forward and I’ll get in behind you.”

  The water was a warm embrace for her aching muscles. She pulled Cody back against her chest and kissed her damp hair. “How are you doing?”

  “I’m okay.” Cody didn’t sound very convincing.

  “Cody, you did the right thing today, even if it doesn’t feel like it.”

  “Thanks for saying that.”

  “Were you scared?” Lillie wrapped her arms around Cody and pressed against her.

  “I guess.” Cody covered Lillie’s hand on her stomach with hers. “Maybe only afterward though. I…I was so angry.”

  “Angry?”

  “He mentioned you.”

  Lillie stiffened at this revelation. “He what?”

  “He remembered that you and I were together when he saw you at the livery. He said he was coming to see you next.” Cody paused. “That’s when I shot him.”

  A chill ran up Lillie’s spine to the hairs at the back of her neck.

  “The thought of anything happening to you…the thought of someone hurting you, it made me crazy with rage.”

  “Oh, Cody, I can’t even imagine what might have happened if you hadn’t shot them.” She kissed Cody’s shoulder. “I’m glad you just reacted. If you’d stopped to think about what you were doing the hesitation might have gotten you killed.”

  “I never thought I was the sort of person who would hurt someone, let alone kill someone. But I never imagined being in that situation either.”

  “The minute I heard the gunshots, I started praying. I was riding as fast as I could to find you, clinging to Shadow and praying that you were safe. I can’t remember the last time I prayed.”

  “I don’t talk to God the way I used to.” Cody sounded wistful. “Like I did back when I thought he listened.”

  There were a lot of ways to say things, and there was something that Lillie desperately needed to say to Cody. But she didn’t know how to start, and now wasn’t the time to say things anyway, so she hugged Cody instead. She caressed Cody’s damp hair, kissed her shoulder, and savored the closeness. Cody was safe in her arms.

  Chapter Twenty-eight

  Cody sipped coffee and waited for the sun to wake. She’d slept fitfully.

  Every time she closed her eyes, the dead man’s face had been there. Staring, angry, and challenging.

  She didn’t really doubt or question what she’d done. It had to be done. Like shooting a mad dog, he had to be put down. And she’d been the only one there to do it. She figured her feelings about it would settle in time, but an hour ago she’d given in to them and just decided to get up and make coffee and have a bite to eat. If she could find her appetite again.

  The house was dark and deathly quiet. She didn’t light a candle; she wanted to wait for the light to find her. Until then, she’d try to rest her mind, if that was even possible.

  The sun finally breached the horizon, and a warm glow spread across the room in square shafts from the windows. Cody spent the next half hour reloading the revolver. She was sliding it into the holster when Lillie appeared in her nightgown, hair tousled from sleep.

  “You’re up so early.” Lillie covered a yawn with her hand.

  “I couldn’t sleep.” Lillie drew close and stood next to Cody. She wrapped her arm around Lillie’s waist. “I made coffee, but I haven’t done anything about breakfast.”

  “I’ll make us something.” Lillie brushed her fingers lightly through Cody’s hair. “Are you sure you don’t want to try to get a bit more sleep?”

  She shook her head. There was no way she could sleep. The plan today would be to split wood, shovel out the stalls in the barn, milk the cow, and do any other task she could think of to exhaust herself.

  Lillie busied herself at the stove behind whe
re Cody was seated.

  “Oh, I forgot to give you this.” She pulled the envelope from her pocket.

  “What is it?”

  “Will Canton said it came to the store for you. With everything that happened I forgot about it.” She put the envelope on the table. It looked as if it had survived quite a journey, perhaps all the way from the East Coast.

  Lillie looked at the letter. She turned it over in her hand. “I’ll open it later.” The expression on her face was hard to figure. Cody wondered if Lillie was expecting the letter to be good news or bad.

  *

  After breakfast, Lillie waited for Cody to walk to the barn before she opened the letter. It was from her old tutor in New York, John Weathers. She nervously read its contents.

  Dearest Lillie,

  You don’t know how it pleases me that you are painting again. You have a great talent, too great to waste.

  I’m writing to share good news. I’ve shown your work to several gallery owners, and two of them are interested in mounting an exhibit of your landscapes. I’ve picked the gallery that I think will do best by your pieces in terms of exposure and pricing. Please return to New York as soon as possible so that you can assist in mounting the show. The gallery owner, Mr. Hutton, very much wants to meet the artist in person. You!

  In his words, your watercolors are most powerful and expressive. He says your direct observations of the frontier are alive with invigorating spontaneity.

  I’m so proud of you, Lillie.

  I’m anxious to celebrate your well-deserved success.

  Respectfully yours,

  John Weathers

  Lillie read the letter three times.

  She’d made the switch from oils to watercolor for practical reasons. Watercolor was easy to use while traveling, and it dried quickly. The medium also allowed her to make rapid, fresh observations of nature. It would seem that watercolor had helped her rediscover her voice as an artist, her true voice.

  John had noted the date in the upper right hand corner. He’d written the letter three weeks ago. Three weeks!

  The joyful letter had eclipsed for a moment the dread she’d been feeling since the shooting. Thoughts of home tempted her: the safety of New York, the comfort of family, and the convenience of urban life. She dropped into a chair at the table and studied the writing on the envelope. Part of her did want to go home, and this was the perfect reason to make the trip. A gallery show of her work. The thought of it sent chills of excitement up the small hairs on both arms. But certainly she couldn’t talk to Cody about leaving. Not today.

  She’d wait a couple of days to broach the subject with Cody.

  As she washed the breakfast dishes, she couldn’t help smiling. A giddy feeling kept bubbling up. A gallery wants my paintings.

  *

  Two weeks later, Cody found herself in Council Grove, buying a stagecoach ticket for Lillie to make the trip back to New York. Lillie would travel alone and with very little luggage, as the stage required passengers to carry less than forty pounds, if the mail load was heavy, even less than that.

  The stage ran once a month along the Santa Fe Trail route, stopping for an overnight in Council Grove to no doubt take advantage of the hotel. They would spend the night in the hotel, and then the stage would leave at four in the morning for St. Louis. Once on the other side of Missouri, Lillie would travel by train to New York.

  The stage would be a rough but quicker passage to St. Louis than steamship. Lillie was anxious to get to the East Coast, and

  this route would take a little more than a week if weather remained good.

  Cody had been supportive and had tried her best to be excited for Lillie, but deep down she wasn’t. If she were completely honest, she didn’t want Lillie to leave. Cody hadn’t gone as far as to say so out loud, but she felt sure Lillie could tell.

  They had dinner at the Hays House again, the restaurant they had eaten at on the night of their first big fight. Cody was beginning to associate meals at the Hays House with unpleasant happenings. Despite best efforts from Lillie to pull her into conversation, Cody was quiet during dinner. She wanted to be alone with Lillie, and dinner out was an annoying delay.

  They rented a room on the first floor, and Lillie laid out her dress for the early morning. Advice from Beth, who’d taken the stage once before, was to wear a darker printed casual dress that wouldn’t show dust, a dress that could get rumpled on the coach.

  Cody sat in a cane-bottomed chair near the washbasin stand in the corner of the room and watched Lillie prepare her things. Her stomach was all in knots and she was sure it was written all over her face. Finally, Lillie turned toward her, seemingly satisfied that she was ready for her early morning departure.

  The room bathed in the half-light of twilight felt too close. Cody’s skin warmed as if surrounded by walled heat. It was now or never.

  She brushed a lock of hair off Lillie’s cheek and tucked it behind her ear. Lillie looked up at her and smiled. Then kissed her lightly on the lips.

  “I wish you didn’t seem so sad. It makes it hard to leave.”

  “Not hard enough, I guess.” Cody regretted the words as soon as she said them. She didn’t want Lillie to feel bad about following her dream of being an artist. And there certainly was no art world in Kansas. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

  “It’s okay. I think I understand how you feel. Let’s just enjoy our time together tonight because I’m going to miss you terribly while I’m away.” She began to unbutton Cody’s shirt. She placed soft kisses along Cody’s neck and at the opening of her shirt.

  Cody felt heavy, as if melancholy had created some new gravity that weighed her down. She tried to rally against it, above it.

  They freed themselves of their clothing and tumbled onto the bed. Cody allowed Lillie to have her way. Her touch soothed the hurt a little, but not enough. Resignation caged her in. She felt outside of things but couldn’t figure out why. Lillie’s affection seemed genuine and attentive, and still Cody felt apart, adrift, cast away.

  She forced herself to be present, to savor Lillie’s body against hers, the soft brush of her lips, the gentle caress of her fingers. It wasn’t Lillie’s fault that Cody was so flawed. That trust eluded her. She fought against the tide of it pushing her toward some precipitous point of no return. She wanted to be here. She wanted Lillie, more than anything she’d ever wanted.

  Cody shifted their position, rolling on top of Lillie. She kissed her, hard and deep, sinking into her. Something profound stirred in her gut, a desire for not just a physical bond, but a communion of souls.

  She set upon Lillie with ferocity, intent on committing to memory every inch of Lillie’s silky skin. She sucked Lillie’s fingers into her mouth and then released them to kiss her. She found Lillie’s center, wet and wanting. Lillie took Cody in. They arched into each other as Cody brought them both to a shuddering, desperate climax.

  Cody sank into Lillie, spent and emotionally raw. She couldn’t stop the tears that surged with her release.

  “Cody, sweetheart, what’s wrong?”

  Choked by tears she couldn’t speak, she shook her head even as it lay against Lillie’s shoulder.

  Lillie had known Cody was upset, even before they made love. She’d not asked about it because she’d felt if Cody admitted to being upset then she’d get upset too. She was having a hard enough time staying positive about her trip as it was. She pushed Cody onto her back and searched her face.

  “Cody, please talk to me.”

  “There’s nothing to say.”

  “There must be something to say. Why are you crying?” Cody rarely showed this much emotion.

  “I’m afraid for you to leave.”

  If she were completely honest, Lillie was a little afraid to leave also. What if her career was about to finally take off? Could she so easily turn her back on that and return to Kansas? When Lillie didn’t respond, Cody continued.

  “Does your family even know abo
ut me?” Cody sniffed and wiped at her tears with the back of her hand.

  No, she hadn’t told them.

  How could she tell them she’d gotten married to someone who had planned to migrate to California? It seemed that Cody had set that plan aside, but that had been the initial reason for stalling. Things were different now, and Lillie still hadn’t broken the news to her parents.

  “I meant to tell them, but I haven’t…yet.” She felt Cody stiffen beside her. “I just haven’t had the chance to tell them.” Lillie wasn’t sure if she was trying to convince Cody or herself. She’d obviously had plenty of time to tell them and had chosen not to. It was different for Cody. She had no one to share news with but her sister. That was easy. Cody shifted away from her and sat at the edge of the bed. “Don’t be upset. I don’t want to leave you when you’re this upset.”

  “Were you ever planning on telling anyone about me?”

  “Yes, of course.” Lillie reached for Cody. “Come back and lie next to me.”

  Cody looked over her shoulder at Lillie. “Are you embarrassed about me?”

  “What? No.” Lillie sat up and reached for Cody again. “Why would you even think that? Please, come here.” She pulled Cody’s head down to her shoulder. The last thing Lillie wanted was to create any tension between them before she left, but she was making a mess of things.

  Cody was lying next to her, but her body felt stiff. Lillie caressed her shoulder and tried to recapture the closeness between them.

  Lillie was equal parts excited to be back with her family in New York and apprehensive about leaving Cody behind. She was sure Cody sensed her excitement about returning to the city and all that would mean for her. What could she say to soothe Cody’s fears when she wasn’t sure herself how she would feel once she was back on the East Coast? It was an arduous trip; maybe she’d decide to stay for a little while before returning. But she couldn’t say that to Cody, not right now. Not when she was so upset.

  “Cody, look at me.” Lillie put her finger under Cody’s chin. She tilted her head up and waited for Cody to focus. “I’m coming back.”