Lillie had taken the ring off and left it behind. What did that mean? Why hadn’t she told Cody she was leaving it?
Cody searched her memory. How had she not noticed the ring wasn’t on Lillie’s finger? Certainly the day before Lillie left she’d been distracted and upset, and in hindsight maybe she hardly looked at what Lillie was packing. And in the dark of the coach’s predawn departure, it would have been easy to overlook such a small detail given how upset she’d been. She was sure she’d only been focused on Lillie’s face for some assurance that Lillie cared for her and would miss her.
She tossed the nightgown onto the bed beside her and covered her face with her hands. She scrubbed her face a few times and then briskly ran her fingers through her hair. Then she began to pace beside the bed.
Cody had known that things were too good to be true. Her intuition had hinted at this all along, and her gut feeling had been right. This whole arrangement was temporary. She’d gotten Lillie to Kansas, and Lillie had helped support her during the journey, but now Lillie was pursuing her dreams, and Cody should do the same.
She’d allowed herself to buy into Lillie’s plan. She’d stayed in Kansas when she should have kept going with the company when they were all in Council Grove. Lillie had even suggested it hadn’t she? Wasn’t that what the argument had been about?
Lillie had suggested that it might be better for Cody to keep traveling with the wagon since she knew most of them. It would have been safer for her to travel with the group. From the very beginning, Cody’s intention had been to make for California, to meet up with her brothers, and she’d completely abandoned that plan because of Lillie.
Hurt gave way to righteous fury. Not at Lillie, but at herself.
Actions revealed truth. If one paid attention, which she plainly had not.
Lillie left the ring behind. That seemed a clear message to Cody.
Maybe this was what she needed, a signal to keep moving. First thing tomorrow, she’d be on her way. Summer was still in full swing; she’d at least be able to make it to Santa Fe before winter set in and the trail became impassable.
She doused the flame and got into bed, but she doubted sleep would find her. She furiously replayed their last conversation in her head over and over. Lillie had admitted that she hadn’t told her family about Cody or the marriage. So why was she so surprised to find the ring. Had any of it been real? Was she the only one whose heart would break if Lillie stayed in New York?
Her thoughts were spiraling now to every dark corner where insecurity and self-doubt had set up shop in her mind. Was she reading too much into her discovery of the ring? No. If there had been nothing to hide then Lillie would just have left it on the dresser. Why hide it under her nightgown if she wasn’t trying to keep something from Cody?
Damn. Her heart pounded in her chest as she lay in the dark looking up at the ceiling. Why hadn’t she asked Lillie more questions before she left? Why hadn’t Lillie told her when she’d be back?
*
Lillie retreated to her room after breakfast to write a letter to Cody. She should have already sent word about her plans, but since her arrival there’d been such a flurry of activity with family and friends and the exhibit that she hadn’t taken time to write. She was angry with herself for the delay. She should have put Cody first, before any of it.
The first couple of attempts ended up rumpled on the desk. She sat for a moment looking out the window toward the park. What was she trying to say? Why was it so hard to talk to the people closest to you?
She touched her finger where the ring should be. The ring would have been a token of the life she’d created for herself, her chosen life. Now she regretted leaving it behind. In the heat of preparation for her trip, she’d had a hard time imagining how she’d explain a ring that was clearly a wedding ring. Now that she was here, she didn’t care. Why had she been so concerned about what her family would think? It wasn’t as if Cody were here in person. And even if she were, wouldn’t her family have assumed Cody was a man as everyone else had?
Lillie considered that maybe she’d handled the entire situation badly. She wished now that Cody was with her. But at the same time, how could they both leave the claim untended? It was true that she’d heard of men leaving their claims to head east to find a wife, but she was unsure what they returned to. After the run-in with the gunmen at Joshua and Beth’s farm, Lillie was no longer cavalier about taking chances.
And then she imagined Cody, all alone. Her pulse quickened. Why had she not worried about this sooner? She’d been selfish and focused on her career. With renewed passion, she began to write:
Dear Cody,
My sincere apology for not writing sooner. I miss you desperately and I cannot wait to return to you.
I see now that I need not have come except to make obvious to myself how much I’ve changed, and I long for the freedom and openness of our farm in Kansas.
The stage will leave from St. Louis in four days’ time, and I will be on it.
I now regret leaving you alone. Think of me fondly as I have thought of you.
I’m yours,
Lillie Walsh
She wanted to write I love you, but she felt these were words she should say in person. She’d known she was in love for some time and was unsure why she’d stopped herself from saying it. Maybe because she was unsure of the longevity of their relationship, maybe because Cody hadn’t said it, but someone had to say it first. She was probably better equipped to be emotionally vulnerable in this way.
Removing herself from their relationship had cast it in stark relief against everything else.
Maybe this was like her paintings. The color on paper was made more vibrant and endowed with more depth because of the spaces left vacant, unpainted. The white contrasted against the blue, the light against the dark.
Without Cody, she’d been confronted with her true feelings.
Chapter Thirty-one
Early in the morning, while dew was still on the grass, Cody had taken the livestock to Joshua’s pasture. Cody left him with the excuse that she needed to return to Arkansas to attend to a family matter. He assured her that he’d keep an eye on the house until Cody was back. Lillie would no doubt return first, but Cody didn’t say that. She was grateful not to encounter Beth because Beth would certainly have questioned her departure and pressed her for more details about the reason.
Cody packed what was left of the dried venison, beans, flour, coffee, and her clothes into the two leather saddlebags that had belonged to Charlie. She marveled at how far she’d traveled in the borrowed clothes. She left enough canned goods for Lillie in case she did come back anytime soon. Cody didn’t want to leave her without stores.
She fingered the worn cuff of Charlie’s shirt. This shirt was borrowed, this farm was borrowed, and her horse was stolen. Did she have anything in her life that was truly hers? Not yet. But that was about to change. She’d set out from Arkansas with the goal of making a life for herself, of being independent. Somehow she’d let that ambition get derailed.
Cody left the nightgown on the bed and the dresser drawer open, but she didn’t leave the ring. She used the same leather string to tie it once again around her neck. From the saddle, she took one last look at the house. Then she turned Shadow and they headed northwest across the field. Traveling in this direction, they’d cross the Santa Fe Trail in a day’s time. There would no doubt be other traffic along the trail. Cody would avail herself to travel with them toward the sunset, toward California.
Miles of riding took her farther from any sign of civilization. The vastness encircled Cody. She was a solitary fugitive on the open prairie, tender and truly low.
Her heart would require a terrible cleansing to get over Lillie. The farther she got from the farm, the more it ached, dull and burdened.
She couldn’t bear the thought of staying at the farm, waiting indefinitely for Lillie to return or not. At least this way she was taking action and making a decision to mov
e forward for herself.
*
Lillie had forgotten that John was coming for tea at three o’clock until Mary, the housemaid, knocked at her door to announce she had a gentleman caller. She’d spent the afternoon in her room, reacquainting herself with the remnants of her childhood and plotting her departure.
She expected her mother to make a scene and argue for her not to go back, so advance mental and emotional preparation for that battle was imperative.
Lillie smoothed the front of her dress and followed Mary downstairs to join John, already in the sitting room.
“I’ll bring some tea for you.”
“Thank you, Mary.” John stood as Lillie entered the room. He’d been seated in an upholstered chair on one side of a small serving table. Lillie took the chair opposite him, on the other side of the table. “Please, sit.”
“Thank you for letting me call on you. How are you enjoying your time?” John’s questions seemed unusually remote considering that she’d known him for more than ten years. As if he felt suddenly called upon to make small talk with someone he didn’t know very well.
“It’s been pleasant to be home and reconnect with my sisters, but I must admit I’m missing the quiet of Kansas.”
Mary carried a tea service in on a small tray and placed it on the table between them. “Would you like for me to pour, miss?”
“No, thank you. I can manage.” Lillie poured tea for them. “Sugar?” She glanced up at John. At the moment, she couldn’t recall whether he liked his tea sweet.
“Yes, one, please.”
She stirred the tea before she passed it to him. He seemed to fumble a bit with the saucer. Was he nervous?
“I want to thank you again for introducing my work to Mr. Hutton.” Lillie thought talking about art might put him at ease.
“You’re most welcome.” He sipped his tea and then set the cup down. “Lillie, I’ve come by to talk with you about something unrelated to art.”
She lowered her teacup. “Yes?”
“As I’m sure you remember, I informed you that I now have a position at the university.”
“Yes, I remember.”
“And so I am now in a position to improve my station further by…marriage.”
Oh no, please don’t. Wide-eyed, Lillie was sure panic was all over her face.
“Lillie Ellis, would you do me the honor of accepting my proposal of marriage?”
“John, I—”
“I’ve spoken with your father of course, and he’s given his approval of the match. I certainly wouldn’t have thought of asking you had I not spoken with him first.”
“John, you know I care for you. I consider us to be friends.” She set her tea aside. “But I cannot accept your proposal. I’m so sorry.”
He had a confused look on his face as if her refusal was the last thing he expected, as if she’d declined in some foreign language.
“I don’t understand.” He stood and walked to the window, then turned to face her. “We share a passion for art, we have the basis of friendship… Marriage seems logical.”
She wasn’t sure what disturbed her more, his certitude that she wouldn’t say no or the utter lack of passion in his argument to persuade her to say yes.
“I admit that on the surface this does seem like a logical next step, except that I’ve met someone in Kansas.”
“You have?”
“Yes.” She stood and walked across the room to face him. “And I’ll be returning there as soon as possible. So you see, I cannot accept your very generous proposal. I hope you understand.” Lillie did care for John, and she was doing her best to let him down easy and save what little of his ego that could be saved.
“Lillie Winston Ellis, you will do no such thing!” Her mother had obviously been listening from the vestibule. She charged into the room.
“John, you should go.” Lillie handed him his hat and ushered him past her mother toward the front door.
Once across the threshold he turned to face her, hat in hand, with a bewildered expression on his face.
“Lillie, I—”
She shut the door, cutting him off. She leaned against the closed door facing her mother, who was red faced, fanning, and no doubt seconds away from swooning onto the chaise lounge nearby.
*
Shadow carried Cody onward through the grassland wilderness.
She lifted the canteen and took a long swig. There was nothing to be seen but grass for miles and miles and one long, unending trail. Not a shrub, nor a tree except for an occasional lonely hardwood near a watering hole.
She made thirty miles on a good day. If her figuring was correct, based on the one trader she’d crossed paths with the previous day, she had another four days of riding before she reached the Cimmaron Cutoff. The monotony of the landscape had become pleasant, almost soothing. There was nothing more to expect, nothing to look forward to, and nothing to do but ride.
She was ruined.
Lillie had ruined this for her.
The drive she’d had for California when she’d left Arkansas was no longer there, missing, killed in battle, left to bleed out back at the farm. Cody had mistakenly thought that after the first few days on her own she’d start to feel like her old self again. But then she realized that self was long gone. That Cody had remained in Arkansas, sunk in the scorched dirt around her father’s shack. She was a different person now, changed by her experiences.
The sun was getting low, and she was considering making camp when a thin tendril of smoke caught her attention. Maybe there was a wagon camp up ahead. It would be prudent to investigate and possibly get some news from fellow travelers.
As she got closer, she saw that the smoke wasn’t from a camp, but rather a sod house sunk into a slight rise. There were sheep in a pen and some cattle mixed with them, but only one horse. Cody yelled a greeting as she drew near.
“Hello in the house!”
After a minute, someone appeared in the open door, backlit by the interior light, holding a shotgun. “Identify yourself.” The woman’s stance was defiant; she was probably expecting the worst.
“Cody Walsh. Just a traveler. Thought you might spare some water.”
“You had your supper?”
“No, not yet.”
“Well, set your horse up with water and come inside.”
There was a small stream near the sod dwelling. After Cody tied Shadow to a post near the water trough, she took a few minutes to wash the trail dust off her face and arms then dried off with her handkerchief, which in the end was almost as dusty as she was.
The door was ajar so she entered. The sod cabin was warmly lit inside. It was basically one large room, divided by quilts strung on lines. The floor was hard packed dirt, swept clean, and there was a cook stove, the pipe of which poked through the roof. The stove probably served for both heat and cooking situated as it was in the center of the space. That was the smoke Cody had seen from a distance.
Something smelled good. Cody held her hat in her hand and waited for some indication of what to do next. She watched the woman stir the contents of a cast iron pot. She was wearing men’s breeches cinched with a wide leather belt that highlighted the feminine curve of her hips and her narrow waist. Her brown hair was braided and hung to the top of the belt. This woman was wearing men’s clothes but clearly not trying to look like a man. This puzzled Cody.
“Sit and have some of this mutton stew. I get awful tired of eating alone.” She placed a wooden bowl on the table, and Cody took a seat. Then she filled a second bowl and joined Cody. “I’m May Fischer, by the way.”
“Nice to meet you.” Cody waited for May to take the first bite then she dove in. She was starving, and the stew was quite savory.
“You headed west?”
“Yes.”
“Alone?”
“Yes.”
They ate in silence. Cody made quick work of hers.
“More?” The corner of her mouth quirked up as May asked the obvio
us question.
“I don’t want to take advantage of your hospitality…”
“I’ll take that as a yes.”
Chapter Thirty-two
Lillie sat across from her mother who was reclined on the lounge, and tried her best to remain calm.
“John Weathers cares for you. He’s well situated with the university. This is a good match. I can’t understand why in heaven’s name you would decline his offer.” Her mother’s emotional pitch kept rising with each additional statement.
“If you were truly eavesdropping then you know that I’ve met someone in Kansas.”
“What sort of person could you possibly meet in Kansas? There’s nothing in Kansas!”
“Cody is from Arkansas originally.”
“Arkansas!” Her response was practically a shriek.
Lillie was regretting that she hadn’t mentioned Cody when she’d first arrived. But she’d been unsure of how to explain it or if she should just not mention anything. Concealing the truth made it seem as if she was being sneaky. She wasn’t trying to be, but she’d already decided not to reveal Cody’s sex. She would choose her own lover. It was no one’s business but hers.
“I forbid you to marry this, this Cody…”
“Walsh. Cody Walsh.”
“Well, I forbid it. No daughter of mine is going to marry some backwoods hillbilly—”
“We’re already married.” Pride and anger had gotten the best of Lillie, and she’d just blurted it out to cut her mother off.
“What?” Her mother bolted upright at the same instant her father stepped through the front door. “Did you know about this?” The question was directed at her father.
“Know what?” He handed his hat and coat to Mary, who slunk quietly off to the other room. Lillie was sure her father would have liked to do the same thing, but now he was in the spotlight for an argument he hadn’t even been part of.
“Your daughter has married someone name Cody Walsh from Arkansas. She’s going back to Kansas to be with him.”
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