Crossing the Wide Forever

by Missouri Vaun

  “Well, then I hope he knows a thing or two about farming.” Her father joined them in the study. He always looked to Lillie like a ship’s captain who was missing his ship. His salt-and-pepper hair seemed perpetually windblown, and his cheeks carried a constant blush from facing into the wind above deck. Even dressed in his city suit and away from his post aboard ship, he was ever the captain in her eyes.

  “Cody knows a lot about farming.”

  “And you really love this Cody Walsh?”

  “Yes, Father. Truly and completely.”

  “Well, I guess you’ll be traveling back soon then?” He smiled affectionately and touched Lillie’s cheek with his fingers.

  “Will you take me to the train tonight?” She’d already decided to leave as soon as possible so that she could make the connection with the stage in St. Louis.

  Across the room, her mother exclaimed, sighed audibly, and collapsed backward onto the cushion covered lounge in a heap.

  *

  Cody tried to subtly observe May as she enjoyed the second serving of stew. May looked to be in her mid to late thirties. She was rather plain looking in that it seemed clear she didn’t fuss with her hair or her clothing. Cody figured why would she way out here in the middle of nowhere. If she was running this homestead on her own then she was dressed the part, functional, practical.

  “Why aren’t you traveling along with a company of wagons?” May sat back in her chair and poured water for herself. Then she poured some for Cody.

  “I was, but then I got delayed.”

  May studied Cody from the other side of the rough plank table. “Are you planning to take the Cimarron Cutoff?”

  “I was considering it, to avoid the mountains since I’m starting late in the season.”

  “Well, it’s true that route is less mountainous, but there’s also not much water. You might not fare well, not to mention your horse. There’s at least one stretch of almost fifty miles with no water at all.”

  “You’ve been on that part of the trail?”

  “My brother made the trip to Santa Fe and back before he decided to light out for Oregon. He decided California might be too dry for his liking, plus, he wanted a wife and a place of his own. Homesteading with his sister seemed to lose its appeal.”

  Cody nodded but didn’t respond. She really had no idea what California was like, or Oregon either for that matter. All she knew was that her brothers were there and she’d planned to join them. What if she finally arrived and didn’t care for it?

  “You’re an unusual man, Cody Walsh.”

  Cody looked up. She’d been lost in thought for a minute. “How’s that?”

  “A woman invites you for food. She’s obviously alone, and you don’t even ask if there’s a man on the place. That’s curious behavior is all.”

  Cody wasn’t sure if May was disappointed that she hadn’t made advances on her or what. “I suppose my head is distracted with other things.”

  “What’s her name?”

  The question surprised Cody. “Lillie.”

  “Why isn’t she with you?”

  “She went back to New York.”

  “Is she the delay you spoke of earlier?”

  Cody nodded.

  “Don’t be shy. I’m out here all alone with no one to talk to ever since my brother left. I mean I get visits from prairie emigrants from the trail, but I haven’t had any gossip in quite some time.” If she was going to joke with Cody, then she wasn’t in the mood. She wasn’t able to look on the situation with Lillie with any sort of levity or objective distance.

  “I appreciate the food and all, but I should get going and see about setting up camp.” She got up and reached for her hat.

  “Hey now, I didn’t mean to poke fun. I didn’t realize you were heartbroken.”

  Cody stared at May. How could she tell? Was it that obvious?

  “Now sit down. I’ll make some coffee and we’ll sort all of this out.” She motioned Cody back toward the chair, and Cody obliged.

  It would be helpful to talk to someone about things. She’d done nothing but think obsessively about every detail to the point that she was making herself crazy second-guessing everything about their relationship. But there was no way she could tell May the whole story. Cody knew she was on her own with this.

  There were two small windows at the front of the house, sunk deep into the thick sod walls. She could see that it was dark outside.

  May set a cup of coffee in front of her and settled back into her chair.

  “So this Lillie. Is she as in love with you as you are with her?”

  “How can you tell?”

  “Sometimes it’s the things a person doesn’t say that tell you the most.”

  Cody sipped the coffee and relaxed. What did she have to lose? This woman was a total stranger and she’d likely never see her again. Saying things out loud might help her make sense of them.

  “We met aboard a steamship bound for Independence. She’d inherited a claim from her uncle, and I was planning to stake a claim in California with my brothers.” Telling the story reminded her of those first days with Lillie, their first meeting. They’d come so far since then. “I think we liked each other right away.”

  “Did she know you were a woman?”

  Cody flinched. “How did you—”

  “I wasn’t absolutely sure until now.”

  “Does it bother you? Me dressed like this?”

  “Bother me? Did you happen to notice what I’m wearing?” May snorted.

  “Yeah, but you’re hair’s long and the belt shows off your curves…you’re not trying to hide who you are.”

  “Oh, so you are enough of a man to notice a woman’s curves then? I’m flattered.”

  Cody was sure she was blushing and averted her eyes.

  “So this Lillie did know you were a woman then?”

  “Not at first. That came later.”

  “Then what happened?”

  “We got married so that we could travel together.”

  “That was bold.”

  “I suppose.” Cody took a long swig of coffee. “If you saw Lillie you’d understand. She’s so pretty. She had to marry or men wouldn’t leave her alone.”

  “I’m sure that’s not the only reason she agreed to marry you when you asked.”

  “Actually, she asked me.”

  May seemed to be quietly puzzling things out.

  “Did Lillie not like Kansas?”

  “She liked it.”

  “But you said she went back to New York.”

  “She’s an artist, and a gallery in New York was interested in her paintings for a show. She went back to meet the gallery owner.”

  “So you just left?”

  The way May put it, that didn’t sound so good. Cody stiffened in the chair. “Listen, it wasn’t like that. She took her wedding ring off and left it behind.”

  “Maybe she was afraid she’d lose it…or that someone would try to steal it while she was sleeping on the train.”

  “Are you trying to make me feel worse?”

  “Look, I don’t know you, but even still, I’d like to help you figure out if you’re making a mistake you’ll likely regret.”

  Cody relaxed a little and leaned back in her chair.

  May refilled Cody’s cup. “Amuse a lonely woman. Tell me the whole story.”

  *

  Lillie couldn’t explain the sense of urgency that gnawed at her insides. If asked, she’d say it was simply that she missed Cody, but deep down she knew it was something beyond that, some fear that she should have never left in the first place.

  Maybe she had to leave. Maybe if she hadn’t traveled back to New York she’d have always been haunted by the not knowing.

  She’d drafted a letter to Mr. Hutton, and her father assured her that he’d deliver it personally so that the proceeds of any sales of her paintings could be directed to her home in Kansas. Home.

  The head knows, so sure of itself, but th
e heart knows better. The heart reveals the truth of it all.

  And Lillie’s heart longed for Cody. She knew now that she didn’t need to be in New York to paint. All she’d ever needed was Cody, and room to breathe. Every mile of her journey west seemed arduous, not because of effort but because time dragged so slowly by.

  She reached the station for the coach in St. Louis without incident. Now if only the weather would hold until she was back near Emporia. Clouds in the distance foretold of a looming late summer storm. Lillie hoped the roads would hold until the coach was past it.

  The stage wouldn’t depart until the next morning so Lillie rented a room in the same hotel she’d previously stayed so many months earlier. She paused in the entry to examine the map that hung there, the map she’d studied before leaving for Independence. She felt brave, having traveled farther than some of the landmarks indicated on the map to the west.

  Lillie climbed the stairs to the second floor. She stowed her bag and washed up a little before going back down for the evening meal. As the hostess for the dining room approached, she heard a familiar voice behind her and stiffened.

  “Mrs. Walsh, how nice to see you again.” Edward Franklin removed his hat and nodded politely at Lillie.

  Unbelievable.

  “Mr. Franklin, what a pleasant surprise.” She was so caught off guard that Lillie fell back on the habits good manners had taught her. What else could she do?

  “I have one table for two.” The hostess spoke to Lillie while Edward stood nearby. “I could seat you both if you don’t mind the company.”

  Perfect.

  “Of course, I’m sure that will be fine.” Lillie smiled thinly at Edward and then they both followed the hostess to a table near the back of the room.

  A server took their orders and then they sat in awkward silence for a few minutes. Lillie fussed with her napkin and sipped water. She wasn’t in the mood to make this reunion easy for Edward.

  “So, you’re traveling alone?”

  “Yes, I needed to go back to New York for a business matter. Cody is tending the farm.” He looked at her hand on the table, and she was painfully aware of the bare finger where her ring should be. She dropped her hand to her lap.

  “I’m bound for Cincinnati on the train tomorrow, for work.”

  “Are you enjoying your new post in Independence?”

  “Very much.” Edward adjusted the buttons of his vest. At least he seemed as uncomfortable as she was. There was some joy in that. “And how are you finding farm life?”

  Farm life? He made her sound like livestock, his condescension thinly veiled by breeding. Well, the gloves were off now. She wasn’t sure why his manner tested her so, but he might as well have challenged her to a fistfight or said frightful things about her mother. He infuriated her. She wasn’t even sure if he was aware he was doing it, and she didn’t want to give him credit for being that smart.

  “I daresay farm life is more rewarding than pushing papers around a desk in some dimly lit office all day.”

  Edward’s mouth was open, but the food arrived before he could utter some clever response.

  “I’m sorry, but I’m feeling very tired. I wonder if I might have this meal in my room?” Lillie gave the server her sweetest smile and touched his arm lightly as she asked the question.

  “Of course, miss. I’ll be happy to bring a tray to your room.”

  “Thank you. That’s very kind of you.” She stood and dropped her folded napkin on the seat of her chair. “Mr. Franklin, please don’t let my departure spoil your meal. I appreciate the opportunity to see you again and be reminded that you will never be half the man Cody Walsh is.” Given that Cody was a woman, this retort felt especially satisfying. The look on Edward’s face as she left the table made her smile all the way to her room.

  Chapter Thirty-three

  Cody stood in front of the sod house watching the sunrise streak across the infinite sky. May had insisted she take the extra bunk inside for the night, so she’d unsaddled Shadow and let him graze with May’s cattle.

  Life was so strange.

  When she’d seen the smoke and yelled hello she hadn’t expected to find someone like May on the other side of the door. May was more a kindred spirit than not, a woman wanting to make her own way in the world, free from convention. Cody admired her. She wished Lillie had been here. She felt sure Lillie and May would have been immediate friends.

  Lillie. Was Lillie still in New York? She would never know unless she rode back. Her decision to leave the relationship first, to leave before Lillie left her now seemed cowardly. Should she own that and just keep to her plan to move west? She’d been unable to trust Lillie, but having acted in this way, how would Lillie ever trust her again?

  May joined her with a blanket wrapped around her shoulders to ward off the chill in the air. She handed a tin cup of coffee to Cody.

  “Thank you.”

  “I never get tired of the sunrise. It’s like God telling me I’ve got another day to get things right.”

  Cody couldn’t help smiling. “Do you really think the author of all things cares what we’re up to down here?”

  “I hope so.” May sipped her coffee as she looked toward the thin pink horizon. “I sure hope so.”

  *

  It was just before noon when Lillie arrived in Council Grove. As luck would have it, Miles Sawyer’s oldest son, Robert, was traveling back to the mill in Emporia after delivering lumber. He agreed to let Lillie ride along with him as far as her farm.

  Like his father, he was affable, although as many other young men Lillie had encountered, a bit full of himself. He talked most of the ride about his plans for the future and how he was too old to attend her class in the fall, but that didn’t matter anyway because his father had homeschooled him.

  The sun was low on the horizon by the time Lillie caught sight of the house. It was all she could do to stay anchored in the seat until Rob pulled the buckboard to a complete stop. He handed her bag down. She thanked Rob and waved him on his way. Her back was stiff and sore from the three-day stage ride. Her legs ached. She couldn’t wait to take a long hot soak in the tub.

  She paused in front of the house and looked for Cody. Not only didn’t she see Cody, she didn’t see Ned and Britt in the pasture either. Or Alice, their milk cow, but she might already be put up for the night. It was getting toward dusk.

  Setting aside her disappointment at not seeing Cody right away, she went in the house. The main front room was oddly still. There were no dishes that needed washing, nothing cooking on the stove. It was cool to the touch. Unsettled, she went to the bedroom to set down her bag. She froze in the doorway.

  Her nightgown was folded on the bed and the top dresser drawer was open. When she looked and saw that the drawer was empty, her heart began to race. She pushed the drawer in and opened the one below. Cody’s things were gone.

  Panic and tears arrived simultaneously. She stumbled backward until her legs hit the side of the bed and then sank.

  She’d left the ring in the drawer. Cody must have found it and thought…what? Lillie tried to imagine how finding the ring might have seemed to her, but she couldn’t completely. They’d talked about this. Why would she wear a wedding ring when she hadn’t even told her family she was married? Or had she only thought these things and not said them out loud? Now she couldn’t remember.

  Cody had seemed very glum the night before she’d left, but that was normal wasn’t it? It was the night before they were to be separated. Lillie had been sad too. But was there something else about Cody’s behavior she’d missed? In truth, she’d been so giddy with excitement over the news of the solo exhibit maybe she’d been selfishly unaware.

  They had talked about things they’d do when Lillie returned. Hadn’t they? Maybe not.

  Was it possible that Cody thought she wasn’t coming back? How could she think that?

  Lillie must have been sitting on the bed running through everything in her head longer than s
he realized, because when she focused again on the room she realized it was getting dark. She struck a match and replaced the glass lantern over the candle.

  Maybe Cody was just out somewhere on Shadow and lost track of time. Maybe she was with Joshua somewhere. Lillie resolved not to think the worst until she had to. She would draw a bath, make some food, and get some rest. Hopefully, at some point during that series of events, Cody would return.

  *

  The sun woke Lillie. She’d slept late because sleep had eluded her until almost dawn. Every creak of the house, every shift of the curtains in the breeze, made her jolt awake thinking Cody was in the house. But she wasn’t.

  Lillie made porridge because she thought it would be easy on her unstable stomach, but she could hardly choke down a few bites. She poured coffee and stood on the porch while she drank it. She’d know more if she checked the barn. Maybe that’s why she’d been afraid to do it the night before.

  She left her cup and crossed the dirt between the house and the barn. The corn was lush green and high as she gazed out toward the field. Lillie leaned into the heavy door to swing it open. Everything was in its place. The buckboard, the plow, and tack stored neatly along one wall, but the animals were gone. The barn was empty.

  Against her wishes, Lillie started to cry. Big, heaving sobs. She pressed her back against the barn door and looked toward the house, tears blurring her view. She sank to the ground and sobbed.

  By late afternoon, Lillie’s tears had given way to anger and frustration. How could Cody leave her stranded here without a note or letter of some kind?

  She’d decided to walk over to Beth’s place. Surely she and Joshua would have some idea of where Cody had gone or when she’d be back. The sun was bright in the cloudless sky so she stepped back into the house for her bonnet. When she reached the porch again, something caught her eye, a rider on the road coming from the direction of Council Grove.

  Lillie stood and watched as the rider slowly drew near.