“What makes you believe that?”
“Well, in our line of work, we’ve seen some frightening things. And I have to think that sometimes, if someone passes on tragically that way that the energy of who they were is left behind, stuck at the scene so to speak.”
“That’s an interesting way of looking at things,” I said.
We continued talking for a bit longer and after about three beers each we decided to say goodnight. It was getting late and we both had work the next day.
“Are you sure you are ok to drive?” Gary asked.
“What? I’ve had three beers in about three hours. I paced myself. Now, if you are unsure about yourself… I didn’t know that firemen were such lightweights who can’t hold their beer!”
Gary laughed and pretended to jab me in the belly with his finger in a teasing fashion. “That’s not fair. I’m fine. I can hold my beer with no problem. I could probably drink you under the table.”
“Oh, if that’s a challenge, then we can go right back inside and drink until they throw us out,” I said. We had made it out to the parking lot, which at this time was almost empty. The night was warm and the moon was about half, but still bright and beautiful in the black sky above us. I loved to look up and watch the galaxy outside of our own world and solar system. I wondered if there could be real life in any of the other systems. There were countless star systems and galaxies. Surely, we weren’t the only lucky planet in all of the cosmos.
“No, I surrender,” Gary said. “You have beaten me.”
“I’m glad that’s settled,” I said.
We were now standing in front of my car. It was a two thousand and five, four door sedan with almost a hundred thousand miles on it. Sometimes I felt like letting it roll into the river, but it was my car and we’d been through a lot together.
“Well, this is me,” I said.
“Thanks for coming out tonight. That support really means a lot to me, otherwise I get to thinking that I should just stay home and sing for myself.”
“Oh, I don’t know about that. You seemed to be attracting quite the fan club inside.”
He shrugged. “Thanks anyway. I guess I’ll see you at work tomorrow?”
“Sure,” I said.
As I stood there in front of him looking up into Gary’s eyes, something came over me. It was an odd feeling. I suddenly felt like I was being swept away by him. We were just there together enjoying the moment. That was all. There was no one else around. There was no one that could judge us or tell us that we were doing something wrong. We could just be and give into our innermost feelings.
And right then my innermost feelings were driving me to do something a little crazy. I reached up and grabbed Gary behind the neck. I brought his head down toward mine and our lips met. The kiss was soft, sweet, delicate, but also loving. It was two people communicating to each other that they’d finally found a kindred soul and that there was nothing in the world that should have kept them apart.
Gary’s lips were so soft against mine, yet rugged and masculine. He moved his strong jaws to add pressure to the kiss and I moaned softly as the kiss escalated slightly. I opened my mouth a little and he did the same. This allowed our tongues to slide into each other, tip to tip, and then slipping past one another until they were wrapped up in some sweet, epic dance.
I felt the tingles starting from my loins and moving all over my body, rolling down my spine in rapid fire waves of beauty and bliss. It was almost like being weightless as I was lifted up into the air by my feelings and emotions.
It felt so good. But I knew it could never happen again. Ironically, I was playing with fire. I was pouring gasoline on a fire and I knew that soon it was going to blow up in my face. I had to put a stop to this. Dammit, why did I have to feel this way?
“No, I’m sorry,” I said, pulling away.
“What? What’s wrong?” Gary asked.
“I shouldn’t have done that,” I replied. I felt the waves of fear and guilt washing through me.
“It’s ok,” Gary said. “No one is around. Nobody saw.”
“Yeah, but I’m scared. I hate to admit it, but I feel like a coward. But I’m scared. I don’t know if I can start over again so soon. I need some stability. Dammit. I really shouldn’t have done that.”
“Ok,” Gary said. “It’s alright. We can just pretend it didn’t happen.”
I shook my head. “No. No, we can’t. I know that I’m going to be thinking about this now every time I see you. Why did I do that?”
I felt like just screaming into the dark night sky. This was so frustrating. I knew that I was at my breaking point. I was about to give in and say to hell with it. I wanted this man and I wanted him now. But I knew I would be filled with fear and doubt afterwards. And of course it had nothing to do with how I felt about Gary. I was falling for him, hard. But the potential consequences of such a thing right now was enough to terrify me and set me on edge. I’m too neurotic to pull things over on people or to blatantly hide things. I would be found out quickly. The fear would be written all over my face by anyone who wanted to glance at me.
Gary placed his hands on my shoulders. “Honey, it’s ok. Don’t worry about it. Nothing happened. Nobody has seen anything. I know it’s tough. That kiss was amazing. I… wow… I’ll be thinking about it for a long time, too. But we have to just move past it and just continue with the plan.”
“What plan? To ignore everything? To pretend that the entire time I’m doing a training session I’m not thinking about you taking me to bed? Ugh. I feel like someone is playing a game of tug of war with me inside and my stomach is being shifted all around back and forth.”
Gary looked into my eyes. I expected him to show some kind of emotion, but all I saw was a bit of concern. He was not allowing himself to become vulnerable or emotional as I was getting. No, he was solid and strong. I needed that. His strength just made me want him that much more.
I slung my arms around his neck and hung my own head down as I rested against him. Oh, this felt nice. Could he take care of everything for me? Would he be able to just make this decision for me? I was tired of having to wrestle with my own thoughts constantly. I wanted this to be over. What were we going to do?
Gary looked into my face. Using one finger, he tilted my chin up to look at him. Our eyes locked and I felt another kiss about to happen. His face came close to mine. I could feel his warmth, his masculine energy, the solid stubble on his chin, and the determined look in his eyes. He wanted to take care of everything. And he wanted me to let him.
His lips were almost touching mine. Yes… this was what I wanted. This was just what I needed. Surrender to him… please… and it would all be over just like that. The choice would be made. There could be no going back. We would make this work and if it didn’t then we would live with the results.
No.
I stepped away at the last second and Gary’s lips missed me. I couldn’t do this again. I was torturing myself. The more I continued to dance with this idea of being with Gary, the harder it was going to be for me to straighten things out, to get on with my life and focus on why I had really come to Chicago, to start over.
But wasn’t this also a part of starting over? I guess it depended on what was most important to me. I wasn’t sure, but I knew I couldn’t continue this until I figured everything out.
“I’ve got to go,” I said. “I’m sorry, Gary. I can’t do this now.”
I expected Gary to protest, or to try to stop me, but he only stood there with that same concerned expression. The choice was entirely up to me. Did he care one way or the other? I was sure he did. He had told me how he felt, but it was becoming obvious that he was much better at keeping his feelings inside than I was. He was going to handle this better than me, wasn’t he?
Or maybe Gary was just very adept at keeping his feelings below the surface and never really reacting to anything. It was something we trained on as firefighters. We can never let emotions get in our way or clo
ud our judgment. We have to remain almost cold and make the hard decisions. If we became emotional in a fire, we were all going to be gone. And we could never let the victim see us scared. They were already terrified. Any fear from us would only feed upon theirs and amplify it.
I got in my car and started it up. I took one last look back at Gary and I drove home. I tried to relax and get into the sound of a good song on my radio, but I couldn’t do it. My head was too full of everything that was going on.
Shit. I knew that things were heating up between Gary and I. Every single time that we were together it seemed something escalated a bit farther. But I couldn’t stop putting myself in proximity to him. It was a total mistake going there to see him play. I knew it was when I left my place.
But it had been worth it. Even with all the stress and worry I was now under, it had been worth it. I wanted Gary so badly. He was practically all I thought about anymore.
And I knew that it was going to happen with us one way or another. The question was, how much longer were we going to keep playing this game pretending that we could really deny these feelings?
Chapter Nine
Gary
I was thinking about the kiss when the call came in. There was a fire. We had to roll.
In fact, I’d been thinking about the kiss nonstop since it happened. It was perfect. Shelly kissed me. She had actually put her sweet lips against mine right out of the blue. I took this to mean that she really loved my performance. And she was not kidding when she said she had strong feelings for me.
After I watched her drive away, I drove home and sat up writing and strumming my guitar. I was too buzzed on that kiss to sleep. I could think of nothing else except when I would get to taste those perfect lips again. We had to do this. We were just fooling ourselves if we thought we could keep these feelings under wraps for much longer. Of course no one at work suspected a thing. Hell, if Shelly and I had gone home together and spent the night, no one would have suspected a thing then either. It would be that simple. We could do this. We just had to be professional at work, which we’d have to be if we were an out couple anyway.
I didn’t think this would be an issue. We could handle this. I was sure of it. But clearly, Shelly needed more time. I was glad to give her all the time she needed. I wasn’t about to try to talk her into rushing this. That would only lead to resentment from her. That was the last thing I wanted.
After I quickly suited up, we grabbed our gear and headed to the truck. I thought I saw Shelly watching from the side but I was in too big of a rush to pay attention. I wondered if she was worried about me. I imagined she was worried about us all of course, but perhaps just a bit extra for me. I liked to think that the kiss meant she might have a bit of a bias when it came to me. And she gave me a bit of incentive to get back home safe and sound. But with a fire, you could never predict anything.
And this was one of those times.
We arrived on the scene to see a two story house fully engulfed in a blaze. This was going to be rough. We had no hope of salvaging the property. All we could do was make sure everyone was out and that the fire didn’t spread to any of the surrounding structures.
A woman ran up to the truck frantic as could be as we stepped out. “You have to help me! My daughter is still in there! She is only eight years old! Please!”
“Where was she last seen?” Alan, our foreman asked quickly.
The woman stuttered with her thoughts. “Upstairs! Her bedroom! Please save my baby! I couldn’t get to her!” The woman was bent over crying and sobbing now as a neighbor ran over to console her. This woman would have been totally broken if her daughter did not survive this. I was not going to let that happen. I just prayed we weren’t too late. The fire was a full on inferno and most people who perish in fires actually die of smoke inhalation before the fire ever gets to them.
Me and Max quickly rushed up the stairs to the door. He had the axe clenched tightly in his hand. He swung it hard, with all his might until the door splintered in front of us. The heat escaped from the house in one large swoosh that I felt even behind all the equipment and protective gear I was wearing.
This was going to be intense. It had been a while since we’d faced anything like this.
The moment we entered the house. I could see we were in trouble. The place was full of smoke and flames were eating through the entire structure climbing up the stairs. It was a gamble if we could make it up the steps and it was pretty much an uncertainty we were not coming back down them. There just wasn’t time.
“Go back out and tell them to get the ladder ready. Pull it up to the side window upstairs!” I yelled at Max.
He grabbed me. “Are you nuts? It’s too dangerous. We can’t get to her. She is probably gone already.”
“I have to try!”
I shook him off and I quickly ran up the stairs. I was not going to let this raging inferno defeat me today. I knew the odds of me making it out of this fire were very slim, but if that little girl was going to die today, I was going to make damn sure that she didn’t die alone.
I reached the stairs and looked to my left where the hallway was leading me. I saw the window at the end. I ran to the window and picked up a small stand holding a potted plant. I swung the stand and smashed the window to pieces. Through the window I could see the crew getting the ladder ready. This was going to be a trick. I wasn’t sure if there would be enough time.
I kicked open several doors until I found the right room. There was the little girl. She was curled up in a ball in the corner screaming and crying as loudly as she could. As far as I could tell she was miraculously ok. But the room was filling up with smoke. She didn’t have much time.
“I’m gonna get you out of here!” I yelled to her.
I scooped her up in my arms and carried her out of the room. I was at the window now waiting for the ladder to reach. But something was wrong. The ladder was only extended about halfway. It was a few feet shy of the roof over the porch below which was sloping down.
“What’s wrong?” I yelled.
Cody was there waving at me. “The damn thing is jammed!”
Shit. I was afraid of this. When something went wrong, it really went wrong.
I had to improvise and do something drastic or else we were both going to die. The girl was clinging to my chest, her face buried in my suit. This was the best thing for her because what I was about to attempt was going to terrify her.
I carefully climbed out the window onto the sloping overhang. The tiles beneath my feet were far more slippery than I had even realized. Shit. This was going to be quite the trick.
“Mommy! Mommy!” The little girl shrieked as she held on tightly.
“Your mommy is waiting for you! I know you’re scared, but you have to be brave,” I said.
“What are you doing?” Cody asked from the ladder.
“I’m going to throw her to you! Get in the bucket!” I yelled.
I could see Cody’s eyes dancing in his head as he realized I was dead serious and this was the worst idea in history. But I had no choice. This was truly the only thing we could do if we had any chance at saving this child’s life.
Cody scrambled up the ladder until he was standing in the bucket with his arms outstretched. I had never seen him look more frightened.
I crawled to the edge of the overhang and carefully stood up on my feet. They felt slick and unsteady. The roof was sloping like crazy and with the heat burning up under it, I could practically feel the platform starting to burn to cinder right under me. I had seconds left. I had to act fast.
I pulled the girl from my chest as she tried desperately to hold on. Then I held her with both hands out from my body. The poor child was screaming hysterically, but this couldn’t be helped.
“Are you ready?” I yelled to Cody.
He shook his head violently. “YES!”
I reared back and threw the girl like a sack of potatoes through the air. As I watched her fly about twenty feet abov
e ground through the air I held my breath, just waiting for something to go horribly wrong. I thought about Shelly, and I wondered what she would be thinking if I didn’t make it out of this, or worse yet, if the child died anyway. I didn’t want to cause her pain. I didn’t want the child and her mother to go through any more pain. I wanted all of this to be over and the world to become a little bit more joyous than it was yesterday. That’s all I’d ever wanted.
The girl landed perfectly in Cody’s arms and he held onto her. The impact shook him a bit and he almost fell down, but he managed to hold on. The girl was safe. Yes!
I could see the relief washing over his eyes. But it only lasted a second.
The platform beneath my feet was starting to sway. It was being burned underneath by flames that were eating through the house and spreading outside. I almost fell right then. Somehow I managed to maintain my position and stay on my feet.
There was no way Cody was going to catch me on the ladder. And I wasn’t sure I could jump that far. Throwing a fifty pound child was one thing, but jumping my whole two hundred pounds through the air and hitting a target that small was a whole other animal.
But the ground was giving way beneath me. I was about to plummet straight down through the flames to the hard concrete porch below me. I had to do it now.
“Get out of the way!” I yelled.
Cody grabbed the girl and vacated the bucket as he scurried down the ladder.
I took one step and leapt as far as I could with my arms outstretched, I was flying momentarily through the air. This was going to hurt in so many ways, but I was trying to mentally prepare myself.
Would I make it? Did I jump far enough? Those were the main questions screaming in my mind as I came closer to the edge of the bucket. I was not going to land in it. I knew that. All I could do was hope that I got close enough to grab the edge and keep from falling to the ground below which might have broken several bones, possibly killing me depending on just how messed up my landing might be.
Slow Burn (Forbidden Heat Book 3) Page 8