by Bella Andre
"It looks great," she said to the manager. "I'm going to take a shower and get dressed, then I'll come out and help."
"We've got it under control, Mrs. Carson," the lovely woman said with a smile.
Lily smiled back calmly, but on the inside she was a wobbly mass of Jell-O. Mrs. Carson . She still hadn't gotten used to it. Maybe it was because they hadn't had a proper engagement. Or a formal wedding.
Or maybe it was the fact that up until a week before their wedding day Travis had barely even acknowledged her existence. How had everything changed so fast?
Lily got in the shower, knowing better than to look for answers for something she would never understand. Travis said he loved her. Again and again he said it, every time they made love, sitting across from her during breakfast, holding her hand as they walked along the marina. Why did she keep fighting it?
She heard the door to her bedroom open and whirled around as Janica peeked her head into the bathroom. "Hey, Lils," she said, perching on the edge of the tub, not the least bit embarrassed by Lily's nakedness.
Lily wished Janica had the slightest sense of modesty, but given the slinky dress she was wearing, which looked to be held together by pins, Lily knew it would be a cold day in hell before Janica changed her ways. More power to her, Lily decided. She dried off with a huge, plush, forest green towel.
"I'm so glad to see you," she said to her baby sister. An onslaught of emotion threatened to bubble over as she watched Janica fix her hair in the mirror. She longed to tell her sister all her doubts about Travis and their marriage. After all, Janica had never liked Travis, so she wouldn't try and put a false lovey-dovey spin on things, would she?
Janica turned back to Lily and looked intently at her. "You look great, Lils. Have you been working out?"
Lily shook her head. "Too busy to work out," she said, bending over to twist a towel into her unruly hair. With a laugh she straightened up, and said, "Not like I'd need an excuse to be lazy. You know me."
Janica ignored Lily's dig at herself. "I know what it is," Janica said with a sigh and a twinge of envy. "It's true love."
So much for not getting all lovey-dovey on me, Lily thought as she gave up her plan to dump her worries on Janica's lap.
"Or all of the marathon sex," Janica added wickedly.
Lily almost dropped her towel. "How do you know about our sex life?" she sputtered.
Janica burst out laughing. "I didn't until now," she teased. "Between you and me, how is Travis in bed?"
Quickly recovering from her sister's trick, Lily lowered her voice and said, "Between you and me..." She made a show of looking out the door to make sure no one was listening.
"Go on," Janica said breathlessly.
"Like I'd tell you, you little twerp," Lily said, with a grin.
Janica groaned. "Shoot. I was just wondering how the Carson brothers are in the sack is all."
Lily raised an eyebrow. "The Carson brothers? As in Luke?"
Janica got up and changed the subject. "I brought the most incredible dress for you to wear tonight. I've been working on the design since Italy."
Lily took in Janica's flushed complexion and decided to do some more probing later. Luke and Janica? The thought had never occurred to her before, especially since she'd been so wrapped up in her own whirlwind romance. Guilt weighed her down, and she sat down heavily on the edge of the bed, deflated.
"I'm sorry that I've been so busy lately. I'm going to cut back so that we can spend more time together."
Janica whipped around, the pretty dress floating from her fingertips. "Are you crazy? I'm so happy for you! A new business and a new husband! It's about time you got off your butt and did something with your life."
Guilt turned to irritation, even though Lily knew her sister was right. "Well excuse me," she said sarcastically, starting to riffle through her makeshift lingerie drawer in Travis's dresser. "I didn't realize I'd been such a lump of coal in your stocking all these years."
Lily blinked back tears. Even her own sister thought she had wasted her life. Up until a month ago she evidently hadn't been worth much to anyone.
Janica's giggles were the last thing she expected to hear. Lily whirled around and threw the lacy bra she had selected at Janica. It landed right across her open mouth, and this time laughter gurgled up from Lily's throat. "What are you laughing at?" she demanded as she threw one bra after another at her sister, followed by a thong panty that sat like a hat on Janica's dark hair.
Janica launched herself at Lily and hugged her tightly. "You're wonderful, Lily," she cried. "Did you see the way you stood up to me?"
Lily blinked with surprise. "I guess I did sort of do that, didn't I?"
Janica nodded fervently. "You did. It was great. You've changed so much in all the best ways. I never thought I'd see the day when I would say this, but Travis is the best thing that ever happened to you."
Lily held a fistful of panties to her chest and leaned back against the dresser. "Do you really think so?"
Janica smoothed out the dress and handed it to Lily. "Put this on. It's gonna look fabulous. And yes," she added, with a feline smile, "not only is Travis a changed man, but he's made you a changed woman." She put her chin in her hand and fluttered her eyelashes. "Ah, the wonders of true love," she said dramatically. Having caught Lily off guard, Janica whipped her towel off. "Now get dressed, and let's party."
Two hours later the party was in full swing. Travis's client meeting had gone late, so they barely had time for a quick kiss before the doorbell started ringing. Even so, thanks to Janica's vote of confidence, Lily felt much more positive about everything. Who knew, she thought with a smile as she refilled the wineglasses for a group of Travis's sleek, fashionable friends and coworkers, maybe everything would work out after all. Why had she wasted so much time worrying about things falling apart?
She looked across the room at Travis, who was cracking up the circle of people around him with a story. He looked up and winked at her midsentence, and Lily's heart filled with love. For her husband. She couldn't wait for the party to be over so that she could rip off his clothes and attack him. Maybe she'd tie him up again. Or maybe, she thought with a delicious shiver, he'd tie her up.
He walked toward her and wrapped an arm around her waist, smiling down at her. Reaching for a spoon from the table beside them, he clanked it on his wineglass several times. "Everyone," he called out in a strong voice, "could Lily and I have your attention?"
Faces turned expectantly in their direction, and Lily could feel herself turning pink. "What are you doing?" she whispered.
He kissed her on the forehead. "Just making a little announcement," he whispered back. Squeezing her hand, he said, "Thank you for coming on such short notice to our party. As you all know, Lily and I got married in Italy last month." A loud whooping went up in the room, and someone started a chant of "Kiss, kiss, kiss."
Travis grinned. "Good idea." He pulled Lily to him, and she gasped as his lips found hers, hard, then soft, his tongue sweeping into her mouth possessively. The cheers grew louder, and she was reminded of their wedding at the festival, when all of the locals had cheered for them.
Someone yelled, "Get a room," and Travis finally let her come up for air. She clung to him limply as he joked, "You won't miss us for a little while, will you?" He pretended to drag Lily back to the bedroom.
Everyone laughed, including Lily. "What I really wanted to say in front of all of our friends," he said, his expression serious, "is that I love this woman with all of my heart." Lily didn't hear the sighs of "ahh" and "isn't that romantic?" as she stared into Travis's eyes. It was down to the two of them, and she was lost in his incredible declaration. This time she pulled Travis down to her and had her way with his sweet mouth.
Everyone cheered again. "Anyway, thanks again for coming. We're glad you could be here to celebrate with us."
A million voices started talking at once, then Travis was pulled off for a round of backslapping congratul
ations. Walking on air, Lily spotted some jackets on one of the couches. Picking up the coats, she headed to the back bedroom to put them with the rest of the pile. The sound of malicious, cutting laughter stopped her dead in her tracks. She pressed herself into the shadows in the corner of the hallway.
"Can you believe what a cow she is?"
"Oh my God, she's huge," a second woman said.
"No kidding. I remember once when Travis said I needed to spend more time at the gym. And I'm a size four!"
"He told my friend Jenny that she needed to get rid of her love handles."
The first woman let out an angry snort. "How do you think that red-haired bitch got him to marry her?"
A man's voice chipped in with a faint British accent. "Probably got knocked up, and poor Travis felt like he had to do the right thing."
"It's awful," agreed the second women. "He's so beautiful, but her! Can you even imagine what their kids are going to look like?"
All three of them laughed nastily. "When she was filling our glasses earlier I barely stopped myself from accidentally spilling it down her dress."
They all laughed again. "Oh, I wish you had. That would have showed her. Oh good, the bathroom's finally free."
Tears streamed down Lily's cheeks as she walked away from Travis's awful coworkers. Why had she thought for a minute that she could fit in with these people? Each one was more polished, better-looking than the next. None of them had ever spent a moment worrying about their clothes, or their hair, or whether they were going to say something stupid if they opened their mouths in public.
Just as she had suspected, the past month with Travis was nothing more than a dream.
A dream that she was finally going to have wake up from, like it or not.
Sniffling, Lily fixed her makeup and wiped her eyes in the mirror. She had to make it through the party in one piece. Once they were alone, she would tell Travis that things weren't working out. Surely, in no time at all, he'd find a perfect woman to fall in love with and marry.
A knock on the door startled her out of her misery. "Sweetheart?" Travis poked his head around the door. "Oh good, I was hoping I'd find you in here. Alone." He waggled his eyebrows and grabbed her, stealing a kiss. "Have you been crying?"
Lily shook her head and forced a smile. "No," she insisted.
Travis ran his tongue over her lips. "I could swear I taste salty tears," he said quietly. "Is something wrong, Lily?"
"I had something in my eye," she lied. "We should probably get back out there, or people will be wondering where we are."
Travis still looked concerned, but he was kind enough to leave the reason for her red eyes alone. Moving into teasing mode, he said, "They'll know exactly what we're doing, us being newlyweds and all."
Lily's heart clenched with sorrow. He was so precious, but he deserved so much more than she could ever be. Someone who could stand beside him, beautiful and self-assured, not some dumpy girl with nothing going for her. Not some loser who wouldn't know how to be a good wife and companion if she had an instruction booklet printed across her thighs.
He kissed her softly, then pulled back. "Are you sure you're all right?"
Lily pressed her face into his neck and breathed in his wonderful, masculine scent. She wanted to stay like that forever, but such embraces would soon be nothing more than poignant memories. She just wasn't strong enough to fake it. Not with Travis.
She let go of him and took a step back. "No, I'm not all right."
He reached for her, but again, she stepped away. Hurt flashed in his eyes. "What's going on, Lily?"
She swallowed hard. What was she supposed to say when she was about to push away the only man she'd ever loved? The only man she ever would love. "This isn't going to work out," she said softly.
He looked like he didn't know what language she was speaking. "What isn't going to work out?" Each word ground from his lips like gravel.
She forced herself to look him in the eye. "Us," she said, barreling ahead before he did or said something that would make her change her mind. "You've been so good to me this month. The job, the trip, the marriage."
Travis exploded. "Do you actually think I married you to be good to you?"
A tear slipped down her cheek. "I'll never forget these past weeks. They were incredible. All my dreams came true."
He grabbed her shoulders hard. "I didn't marry you to be nice to you. I married you because I love you. Haven't you heard anything I've said to you? Do you think it's this good between everyone?"
Lily ignored the throbbing in her shoulders as she struggled to finish what she'd so foolishly started. "Even if you think you love--" she began, but Travis cut her words off as he pushed her away from him. She stumbled into the corner of the bed and fell back onto it.
"What else can I possibly do to convince you that I love you?" he roared.
Angry at everything and nothing at the same time, Lily struggled to get back on her feet. "I'll never be a size two. I'm never going to be able stand next to you without people laughing and wondering how you got stuck with me. You'll hear soon enough how I tricked you into marriage by getting pregnant, and how our children are going to be fat and ugly like me," she yelled in fury, hating herself more with every word that spilled from her lips, but unable to stop. "I'll never be able to fit into your world. Never! Can't you see what you married? Can't you see that it's just going to be like it was with Janica and Luke in Italy over and over again, forever?"
Travis made a move to comfort her, but she stopped him by blurting out, "Give me one possible reason why you should love me."
Travis went completely still. "I can think of a thousand reasons, Lily." Her heart stopped beating altogether as she waited for him to tell her what they were. Instead, his sad words were like a slap across the face.
"If you ever realize what those reasons are, Lily, let me know. Because I'll be waiting."
With that Travis turned and walked out of the bedroom, not bothering to close the door behind him. Lily sank back down on the bed, his words echoing in her head. She'd never been more at a loss for reasons to love herself than at that awful moment.
16
TRAVIS WENT BACK OUT to the party, feeling as hollow as an empty warehouse. He'd thought he'd found real love, the kind of love that would never leave, never go away, never hurt.
How could he have been so wrong?
He poured himself a glass of whisky from the open bar and pounded it in one gulp. Lily was leaving him. Never in a million years did he think Lily would leave him. When he looked at her he saw forever. Little girls with red curls and little boys with big blue eyes.
The hardest thing he'd ever done was to walk away from her. He had wanted to shake her until she started talking sense. But somehow he knew that all the pleading in the world wouldn't change the fact that Lily didn't love herself.
And even though he wished he could change it simply by snapping his fingers, he couldn't.
Until Lily learned to love herself, there was no hope for the two of them.
Travis prayed that it would happen soon. Because even a minute without her love was too long.
SHE COULDN'T BREATHE in his bedroom, in his apartment. Slipping out the sliding door to the private terrace, she awkwardly maneuvered over the railing into the neighbor's yard. A gate led out to an alley between buildings. She stood in the cool, damp passageway gasping for air. A cat jumped out from behind a Dumpster, and Lily jumped. Blindly, she started walking. She needed to get as far away from Travis as she could. Every cell in her body screamed for her to go back to him, to beg him to take her back. But even in her despair, Lily remembered the resolve in his final words.
"I can think of a thousand reasons, Lily. If you ever realize what those reasons are, Lily, let me know."
God, it was hopeless! Any reasons she could come up with would sound like a bad joke. Like some quasi Miss America contestant trying to say what her best feature was. I've got a big heart, she thought, that's the
best she'd be able to come up with. Oh yeah, and she had big boobs. So what?
She raged at the unfairness of it all as she hoofed it past light after light, barely noticing when she crossed at a red and several cars skidded to a stop inches from her thigh. She looked up and realized she was at the cemetery. Her parents' cemetery. Guilt washed over her. She had intended to bring flowers to their graves ever since she'd come back from Italy. But one thing had led to another, and she'd never had the time.
No, she corrected herself harshly, she'd never made the time.
"I suck," she said loudly, confident that at least in that assessment of herself she was correct. Feeling ashamed for her hands being empty of blooms, she walked over to the large bay tree. Beneath the thick canopy of leaves lay her mother and father.
All of a sudden she was sobbing and on her knees in front of their graves. "I really blew it this time," she said as her chest heaved. She felt like she was going to throw up. "Do you remember Travis?" she asked. "I had such a crush on him, even as a little girl. Mom, you used to say I'd never be able to pick between him and Luke." Her sobbing intensified. "But I did, Mom, I picked Travis. It was always Travis. I never thought he'd love me back, though, not in a million years. And now that he says he does, I can't believe him," she cried.
When no one answered Lily realized she had been expecting some sort of counsel from her long-gone parents. If only they could have solved the problem for her with a cup of warm milk and a fairy tale that would make her fall back to sleep after a nightmare. She gulped for air and tried to calm down.
"I loved you both so much," she said. "And I've missed you so much. I used to wish..." She stopped, feeling selfish for thinking it, let alone saying it out loud. "I wished that you hadn't died so that you could have helped make me pretty and tell me you loved me. Travis says he loves me. But I won't let him because I don't think I'm good enough."
In a flash, Lily realized the truth behind what she'd said. Apart from Janica and Luke, she had never let anyone close enough to hurt her. But Travis had crept right in.
"We got married," she said to her parents, as her tears dried on her cheeks and the beginnings of a smile curved up the edges of her lips. "In Tuscany. Oh, you would have loved it. It was the Festival of Weddings. Mom, they dressed me up in a lace wedding gown. Dad, he was as handsome as you, I swear."