“Tonight was a mistake.”
“I sat by your bedside, James. In the hospital. I never left you for one second. I was there when you needed me.”
James pulled me into his embrace. “I’ve never deserved you, Emily.” He stared into my eyes. “I’m doing what is best for all of us.”
I saw a yearning, a need for love so great that I knew he was holding back for all the wrong reasons.
“Listen to me,” he continued, stepping away. “After Victoria died, Xavier was the most important person in my life, and not just because of his gift.” He paused. “But I hurt him. I kept him close because I knew the world needed him. There was no setting him free. No giving him the life he deserved. I have done terrible things, Em, and I will continue to do them. That’s why you deserve better than me. You deserve him.”
“We both deserve you, James. Please open up to me. Have I not earned that?”
“Me holding back is my way of protecting you.”
“No, that’s the lie you tell yourself.”
He sat on the edge of the desk and rubbed a hand across his face. “What can I say to convince you I’m not right for you…or Xavier?”
“Nothing. You were happy with Victoria. I want you to tell me about her. ”
He let out a frustrated sigh. “We married and things ended tragically.”
“I already know that, James.”
He gave a resigned nod.
“How did you meet? Maybe start there.”
“You want to do this now? Here?”
“Yes, I do.”
His shoulders slumped in defeat. “We met at the Britannia Royal Naval College in Dartmouth. I was there for officer training. Victoria’s brother was a fellow student. She came with him to a regimental dinner.”
My kind smile encouraged him to continue.
He gave me a reluctant smile back. “I overheard a conversation amongst the other officers at the dinner. They were placing bets on who would get to take her to bed. She was so gorgeous the men were stalking her all night. They were drunk, of course. I told her about the bet. Thought it was the gentlemanly thing to do. At least that way she would be protected from some dashing rogue of an officer who made a move.”
“How did she react?”
“She was grateful.” He shrugged. “Victoria took my number and a week later she called me.”
“You started dating?”
“No, though we did talk on the phone for a couple of hours. Still, I was heading for my first tour aboard a submarine and she was halfway through her training with MI6.”
“She was an agent stationed where you were?”
“Yes, and a good one, too. A year later, I attended a briefing in Portsmouth. She was the one giving the talk on home security. She was intelligent and funny and brilliant and so damn brave. I asked her out, not willing to let her slip through my fingers this time.” His face brightened as though the memories had found him again. “We were married within six months.”
“Did she want children?” I watched him carefully.
“Yes, of course.”
My heart jolted at seeing his earnest expression, the way he pressed his hand to his chest. It looked endearing and so unlike Ballad’s usual strict stance.
“I’m sorry she died, James.”
“I let her down.”
“How?”
“I wasn’t there…” His face paled. “I couldn’t prevent what they did to her.”
“How could you have known what would happen?”
“I was on a sub when she needed me. Perhaps she’d have shared her concerns about the possibly of a death threat if I’d been around more often. I could have done something.”
“You got him, James…the man who killed her.”
“It was more sinister than that, Em. The man who gave the kill order was the man who would one day become my boss at MI6. He was Victoria’s boss, too. She trusted him.”
“What happened to him?”
He answered with a dark look of resolution.
I realized that was why he’d created Pervade. It would mean he had access to secrets and personnel files…he would have the intel to prevent anything like this from happening again.
“You have someone precious in your life—” He made a fist. “They’re right there. Then all of a sudden, they’re gone. All because of a selfish decision.”
“It wasn’t your fault.”
“She was mine to protect, Em.”
“You’re scared of being hurt again?”
“It will be a clean break between us. You and Xavier—”
“He needs you, James. He loves you on a level I never knew possible. Maybe it has something to do with the way his mind works…I don’t know. But he can’t live without you.”
“I’ll always be here for him.”
“It won’t be enough.” I stepped forward and rested my hands on his chest. “We have something unique. Something special. Something worth fighting for.”
James leaned forward and pressed his lips to my forehead. “You showed me what it is to trust again, Emily. You showed me I’m still capable of caring deeply for someone and I will always be grateful for that.”
“Are you trying to be honorable?”
“The decision is made.”
I pulled away from him. “You’re sending us back to London?”
“The location is undecided.”
I was having trouble processing his harsh words. “I need a minute…can you give me some space, please? I need some time alone.”
He gave me a wry smile. “You can’t throw me out of my own place, Em.”
“Your place?”
His smile vanished as he realized his mistake. “I use this office from time to time. Sometimes I stay here.”
“Why?”
“Louis is my friend. We’ve known each other a long time.”
“I don’t understand why you won’t trust me, James. Why won’t you let us love you?”
“It won’t hurt for long, Emily. Forgetting me will be easier than you believe.” James gave me a sad smile and then left the room, closing the door behind him.
My throat constricted with grief. Walking forward, I rested my hands on the desk to steady myself.
The room felt devoid of life without his striking presence. Trembling, I replayed his words trying to decipher what was not being said by him.
Louis lived here…but did James own this house?
I remembered Louis saying he hated the décor, and this wasn’t James’ taste, either. So why was Louis living here?
Maybe Louis was the guardian of James’ child. There had to be clues. A child’s bedroom, maybe? Or a stray toy. Even this room seemed odd with its impersonal décor. I moved around behind the desk and opened a drawer. Empty.
This would explain why James remained guarded—maybe he was hiding his child in Jamaica. He would put him first to keep him safe, denying his own happiness so the child wouldn’t be exposed to danger. A man so powerful would have powerful enemies. It made sense he would choose an island far from his dangerous life. This would also explain why he visited Jamaica from time after time—and why this mansion was so close to Royal Court Manor.
I scurried from room to room, looking for anything that would support my theory. The guard at the bottom of the staircase gave me a nod of permission, allowing me to proceed upstairs. Having such heavy security was another clue they were keeping something important here.
I checked out one luxurious bedroom after another, everything tidy and neat. I had hoped there would be a child’s bedroom somewhere up here.
Opening one of the bedroom closets, I found clothing that probably belonged to Louis. A nice collection of suits and T-shirts and casual clothes all lined up neatly. A rush of guilt swept over me that I was snooping in his personal space.
Louis had dropped his wristwatch near the bedside table. I couldn’t bear to think of it being damaged, even though picking it up would give away what I’d been up to. I r
eached for it anyway. On the back of the watch was an engraving of a family crest. I’d seen James’ crest back at his castle, but it was different from this. This style was simple, with a knight’s helmet and what looked like dragon heads inside the shield—which hinted that Louis had connections to aristocracy. He certainly carried himself that way.
Heading out, I hurried along the hallway, excitement building in my chest that I might find a child asleep in one of the rooms. His precious boy.
“What are you doing up here?” Louis’ voice called from along the balcony.
I tried to hide my guilt. “Looking for James. Have you seen him?”
“He’s outside.”
“Right, thank you.”
“You need to be careful, Emily.” He shook his head. “Don’t cross him.”
“What do you mean?”
“James wouldn’t want you up here.”
“Why?”
He stared past my shoulder and his eyes widened with concern.
I turned and saw James reach the top of the staircase, his disapproving glare on me. A surge of fear gave me a jolt of adrenaline, and I rushed away from him in the opposite direction.
I sprinted precariously on my high heels, turning a corner and trying the first door on my left. With my heart hammering, I dashed inside and turned the key, locking it.
The sparse bedroom had a chaise lounge in the corner and a walled bookcase with stacks of children’s books lining the shelves.
Oh, my God.
Could this be his child’s bedroom? Had the small bed been removed for tonight?
James pounded on the door. “Emily.”
With my hand over my mouth, I stood still, hoping he hadn’t heard me. His footsteps trailed away, and I exhaled in relief. James would probably go to any lengths to keep this room a secret and I’d chosen this one to hide in.
I’d wait a few minutes, then go back downstairs and rejoin the party. Pretend I hadn’t seen anything. I’d try to avoid James by dancing and mingling and getting very, very drunk.
I liked this plan. It meant I could avoid his wrath.
I heard a noise and looked behind me. The walled bookcase slowly moved forward, revealing a passage.
Oh, fuck.
James stepped into the room with me.
Emily
The bookcase closed behind James and he strode quickly towards me, backing me up against the wall.
“Why are you in here?”
He pressed me against his firm chest so closely that I felt his body heat, causing my breathing to turn ragged. This was the way my body always responded to this man—with a rush of arousal that made my legs weaken.
“Emily?” he said huskily.
“You’re too closed off to love,” I said softly. “You want to open your heart, but you can’t. It’s because you’re an enigma even to yourself.”
“How very poetic.” His mouth hovered over mine and I detected a hint of rum on his breath. “What have you been doing up here?”
“Looking for you.”
“I don’t believe you, Emily.”
“I need your brand of fucking, James. I need to feel you inside me one last time.” It wasn’t exactly a lie—more of an escape route.
He gave a knowing grin, proving he didn’t believe my excuse.
“I knew you’d come find me,” I whispered.
His smile faded and I saw a sinister look in his eyes. Xavier had warned me that James had an even darker side.
“You’re trespassing.” He gave a nod. “There are consequences for being so naughty.”
My hand reached down and I cupped him though his pants. He was hard.
“You’re asking for a goodbye fuck, Em?”
“Yes.”
“Something to remember me by? You want me to take you hard and fast?”
I gave a nod, doubting I could refuse.
“I gave you that last night.” He stepped away. “Go back to the party.”
“At least kiss me.” I reached for my hem and raised my dress above my waist, so he’d see I wasn’t wearing any panties. “Kiss me goodbye…here.”
James drew close again, pushing me against the wall. His fingers trailed over my shoulder straps and he eased them both down, pulling on them until my breasts were completely exposed. He caressed my bare skin, pinching both nipples with a heady rhythm, the intense pleasure causing my sex to pang.
“Is this what you want, Em?” he whispered.
“Yes,” I answered breathlessly.
“Tell me how it feels?” He dipped his head and drew my left nipple into his mouth, suckling.
My head crashed back against the wall as James took his time to lick and bite and nibble each breast until I was at a fever-pitch of arousal.
“Answer me.”
I moaned. “It feels like my clit is throbbing.”
“Show me,” he teased.
Raising my dress again, I revealed my pussy glistening with wetness. He reached low and ran a finger along my slit. It felt heavenly as that small nub tingled and throbbed, longing for release.
He raised his wet fingertip and slipped it into my mouth, forcing me to taste my own sweetness.
His cologne wafted over me, making me lightheaded, causing me to suckle harder, causing my moans to linger and vibrate around his finger.
He removed his finger from my mouth. In a daze, I watched him ease my breasts back into the cups of the dress and then pull up my shoulder straps.
“Let go of your hem,” he demanded. “My pretty slut.”
Hearing him talk dirty was like an aphrodisiac and my body thrummed with need.
“Denying you an orgasm seems like a fitting punishment for your trespassing offense,” he said quietly.
I turned my head away, too stunned and embarrassed to look at him.
He leaned in and whispered. “Go find Xavier. You belong to him.”
I did look at him, then, my lips trembling at his rejection.
His expression softened with sympathy. “He believes there should be no further intimacy. I imagine that also means between us, Emily.”
My breasts rose and fell in anguish.
I’d been seconds away from coming, thanks to his thrilling touch.
“Em, you and I need to keep our distance…”
Walking out would be like abandoning the lifeboat. Though even that was apparently sinking before my eyes.
I hurried to the door, turned the key, and pulled it open.
“Emily,” he said, stopping me from running out with his commanding tone.
Pausing in the doorway, I refused to look back at that devastatingly gorgeous man whose ghost of a touch lingered on my skin.
“I’m afraid you can’t play your violin,” he said. “You’ll draw attention. The journalist is still here.”
No, he couldn’t refuse me this.
“I’ll be just another musician,” I reasoned.
“Emily, you’re beautiful. You’re like the brightest fucking star in the galaxy.”
Turning, I leaned back against the door. “This is you pushing us away. You’re very convincing, James.”
“Tonight is all about Louis, Em. Let’s make this his best party ever.” James stood there looking dashing and resolute. “Xavier’s waiting.”
My feet carried me away from him as my heart fractured with the realization I’d never feel his touch again. Hurrying down the staircase, I retraced my steps outside.
Music and laughter hummed around me and everyone seemed to be having a fabulous time. Some of the guests were dancing while others enjoyed lively conversations in the company of friends. Navigating around the tables, I walked toward Louis who was playing the piano.
Xavier was sitting at a table nearby. His face brightened when he saw me. He rose to greet me and I fell into his arms, immediately feeling safe and loved.
Louis was striking the black and white keys with extraordinary talent, his fingertips effortlessly gilding over them. He was singing Bob Marley’
s “Could You be Loved?”
My smiled widened when he looked over at us and he grinned back with magnetism. He was clearly in his element entertaining the audience, who were all just as enamored with his showmanship. His deep, seductive voice was incredible.
I snuggled against Xavier and he wrapped his arms around my shoulder and hugged me.
“I just saw James.” With a shake of my head I let him know it didn’t go well.
“How is he?” He handed me a glass of water.
I turned my face away, not wanting to see Xavier’s hurt expression. “James doesn’t think I should perform.”
I took a drink of the refreshing water, hoping to ease the lump of sadness in my throat.
Xavier leaned back in surprise.
“He thinks I should keep a low profile,” I added.
“You’ve been so excited to play.”
“Yes, but I’d rather keep you and James off that journalist’s radar.”
“Em, I’m sorry.”
I’d learned my lesson aboard Diana Zane’s yacht. “You’re more important to me than any concert.” I’d rather die than risk losing him ever again.
His eyes softened with emotion as he mulled over my words.
“Listen.” I reached for his hand. “You will always be put first in my life. I can never go through losing you again.”
“Emily,” his voice cracked with emotion.
“I love you so much, Xavier.”
He looked away, his eyes glistening with tears.
I squeezed his hand. “I’d do anything for you. You know that. I never forgave myself for what happened in London.”
“Playing the violin is the equivalent of breathing for you. What kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn’t do everything in my power to help you perform?”
“If you throw Trevor out it will only make him more suspicious,” I reasoned.
“I know.” He waggled his eyebrows playfully.
Xavier
My girl was going to play her violin tonight. No one was going to stand in the way of her doing what she was born to do. I’d learned the hard way how important performing was to her when she’d risked everything to play aboard Diana Zane’s yacht.
I’d almost lost her because I’d not respected her need to be heard. She’d dedicated so many years to her passion. Not allowing her to use her talent was cruel—even if James had forbidden her to play in order to keep us all safe.
Pervade Montego Bay Page 19