by Mari Carr
“And then Oliver came along. He was so precious and wonderful. Everything I’d dreamed of and more. But…”
“But what?” Mia asked, when Lauren’s voice faded away.
Lauren looked at her with sad eyes. “I assumed that since I was able to have Oliver, I’d be able to have more.”
“That wasn’t true?” Mia wasn’t sure why she asked the question. She knew Oliver was Lauren’s only biological child.
“I wanted the big family, remember? I had two more miscarriages after Oliver, before Sean said enough. I know he looks like this big mountain of a man, but in truth, he’s a marshmallow inside, and seeing me crushed each time a pregnancy ended was more than he could take. He said Ollie was enough. Said there were a ton of kids who’d already been born who needed parents and we were going to help raise them. The next thing I know, Chad has us all signed up as foster parents.”
“It sounds like it all worked out.”
Lauren nodded. “It did. After a while. The thing is, I still lost all those babies. I spent years wondering what they would have looked like, who they would have grown up to be. It took a toll and I couldn’t seem to drag myself out of my own misery. I was stuck down in this pit of despair, and the walls were smooth and slicked with grease. There weren’t any handholds, so I just kept slipping back down every time I tried to climb out. I couldn’t find a way to escape.”
Mia understood misery. She’d been excelling at it lately. “That’s exactly how it feels. What did you do?”
“I’m a psychologist. And I’m married to one. Ever hear that saying, ‘Physician, heal thyself’?”
Mia nodded.
“It occurred to me as I sat in my office, listening to others talk about their pain, that I was becoming a hypocrite. I offered them all this advice that I wasn’t willing to take myself.”
“What kind of advice?”
“The usual things, like eating better and exercising. And the harder things. Challenging negative thoughts, doing something new, trying to have some fun. I know those things don’t seem difficult, but when you’ve been wallowing in your own negativity and anger and sorrow for so long, it’s a hard slog.”
“Did that work?”
Lauren took another sip of wine. “I sort of refined it to make it easier for me. Whenever I felt the walls closing in on me, I took a deep breath, looked around, and tried to find three good things about where I was at that moment.”
“And that works?”
“Yep. I’ll give you an example. Chad, Sean and I went to a concert at Wolf Trap last week. We got stuck in nasty traffic, showed up way later than I’d planned and we couldn’t find a spot for our picnic dinner on the lawn. Wound up way in the back on a hill where we couldn’t even see the stage. On top of that, I spilled the first glass of wine Chad poured for me on my pants. I’m wet and grumpy and ready to go home. Sean and Chad are completely oblivious to how pissed off I’m getting, which didn’t help. I opened my mouth to suggest that we just pack it in.”
“But you didn’t?”
Lauren shook her head. “No. I caught myself. I took a deep breath, looked around and decided I was actually in a great place. It was a beautiful summer day, cool breeze and shade. We had yummy subs and wine and a soft blanket to sit on. The people around us were really nice and fun. When the music started, we stood up and danced our asses off. It turned out to be a fantastic night. One that I almost ruined with my foul mood.”
Mia had been sitting in that booth for the past hour, stewing over everything that was wrong. Angry at the world. “Three good things?” Mia looked around the pub and realized that she could pick out three great things without even trying. Padraig was talking sports with Colm, the two of them in some serious discussion. There were several patrons laughing loudly as they relaxed with drinks after work, and Riley was telling a story to a table of diners in the restaurant that seemed to have them all on the edge of their seats.
Three things that made her happy. Padraig, his family, and this pub.
“Already got three, don’t you?”
Mia smiled. “I do.”
“Are you cheating and counting Paddy as all three?”
Laughing, Mia shook her head. “No. Although…”
Lauren rolled her eyes good-naturedly. “Oh, to be young and in love.”
Mia didn’t think Lauren was knocked out on either of those accounts. There was no denying she was still head over heels in love with her two husbands, and it wasn’t like Lauren was headed to a nursing home anytime soon.
“I hope you don’t think I’m trying to minimize what you’re going through, comparing it to a silly concert.”
“Oh no. I get it. I really do. I like the idea of being normal. God, if I thought about this tumor 24/7, I would have already gone mad, lost my mind completely. My best days are the ones where I go hours without remembering that I’m dying. Ordinarily, it’s always there, always hovering in the back of my mind, sneaking in and sucker punching me. I love it when I can play a game with Paddy and his cousins upstairs or watch an entire movie or even spend an afternoon, working on a boring-as-shit spreadsheet at work and not remember. Not even once.”
“Focusing on the good things helped me out of a dark place. I hope it will do the same for you.”
“There would probably be a lot fewer depressed people in the world if everyone could manage to do that. Find the positives, seek out what makes them happy.”
“Yeah. But then I’d be out of a job.”
Mia laughed and gave Lauren a horrified look. “Well, we couldn’t have that.”
“You and Padraig are very similar souls.”
Mia was taken aback by Lauren’s observation. She had actually chalked their relationship up to one of those opposites-attract things. He was loud and boisterous and playful. She was quiet and serious and silliness didn’t come natural. “How so?”
“You’re both very kind and honest. And neither one of you is afraid to feel things deeply. If you were, you wouldn’t have opened yourselves up to love at such a difficult, scary time. I think that’s really brave.”
“Paddy is the brave one. I’m the lucky one. I found him at a time when… I can’t imagine doing this without him.”
Lauren shook her head, her smile wry. “Lucky, huh?” Lauren reached out and took her hand. “You’re one of the bravest women I’ve ever met, Mia. Never doubt that.”
“Hey, Mia.”
Mia looked up as Padraig called out her name. He was no longer beside the bar, but standing near the front door of the pub.
“Come here,” he beckoned. “I have a surprise for you.”
Lauren rose as well, following her. From her curious expression, it was clear Padraig’s aunt didn’t have a clue what was going on, either.
As soon as Mia reached the front door, Finn walked in with a squirming puppy in his arms.
“Take this beast,” Finn said, handing the small dog to Padraig. “Little devil just chewed a hole in the passenger seat of my car!”
“I sent you with a crate,” Padraig said, laughing as the dog tried to climb his chest to lick his face.
“Yeah. Good luck getting that tornado into a crate.” Finn handed Mia a leash. “Or on a leash. I swear to God he’s freaking Houdini. Managed to get that leash off three times. I have no idea how.”
Mia hadn’t stopped looking at the wiggly dog. “You got a dog?”
“We got a dog,” Padraig corrected her. “And while I wasn’t trying, it looks like I managed to find a badly behaved one, per your list.”
Mia laughed as she reached out to stroke the dog’s head. The second she touched him, he twisted in an attempt to get out of Padraig’s arms and into hers. Padraig tried to hold him back, but Mia was already grabbing for him.
“He’s hard as hell to hold onto, Mia,” Padraig warned.
“I’ll hold tight,” she promised.
The puppy treated her to the same all-over face licking Padraig had received, but Mia didn’t care. The tiny d
og was the sweetest thing she’d ever seen. All her life she’d wanted a dog, but her mother had refused when she was a child, and after that, she’d never managed to find an affordable apartment that allowed dogs in Chicago.
“I love him,” she said.
Padraig winked at her. “Damn. I had to wine and dine you and fly you to Paris to get those three little words. Wish I’d known licking your face would evoke the same response. Lot cheaper and quicker.”
“What’s his name? Where did you get him?”
“His name is up to you. A litter of pups got dropped off at the SPCA a couple of weeks ago. He’s the last of the group.”
“You are perfect,” Mia said to the puppy, immediately going to baby talk though she didn’t have a clue why. “Yes, you are! You are the most perfect puppy in the whole world.”
“Thanks for picking him up, Finn.”
“You might revoke that thanks after a few hours. I swear to God someone’s been feeding him nothing but speed.”
“I’ll pay to get the seat patched up,” Padraig offered, but his cousin just waved him off.
“My car is a piece of shit and you know it.” Finn grabbed a seat at the bar and ordered a beer.
“Joel is here to finish up tonight’s shift,” Padraig said. “Thought you and I could take off early and introduce the pup to his new home.”
“We don’t have food or a bed or—”
“I bought it all yesterday and hid it in the trunk of my car. We’ve got everything we need.” Padraig managed to get the leash on the dog, but he carried him most of the way back to the apartment, Finn’s words about his leash-breaking skills resonating.
“Don’t fancy chasing a puppy all over Baltimore,” he said.
When they arrived at her apartment, Padraig put him down tentatively near a tree. Mercifully, the dog took him up on the invitation, marking the territory instantly.
“Fingers crossed that buys us a few hours without an accident.” Padraig picked the puppy up and carried him upstairs to her apartment, not unfastening the leash or letting him down until he was safe behind closed doors.
She and Padraig laughed as the tiny dog ran around the apartment, taking in everything and nothing in his mad dash to race to the next spot.
Padraig reached out and pulled her toward him, giving her a quick kiss. “Nice to see that smile back on your face. I’ve been worried about you this week.”
So much for hiding her sadness. She sucked when it came to fooling him.
“I’m better now. Talking to Lauren helped.”
He tugged her into a warm embrace. “You could talk to me too if you want.”
She pressed her face against his chest, soaking up the sweet smell of him, bourbon and soap. “I didn’t want to keep dumping all my sadness on you.”
Padraig kissed the top of her head. “I don’t want you hiding anything from me, Mia. Definitely not the bad stuff.”
“I know. I won’t anymore. Promise. Besides, Lauren gave me a great coping strategy that I’m going to try. Sort of handy how you have a shrink in the family.”
Padraig laughed. “One of the benefits of a huge family. You need a paper edited, a song written, a house built, your head examined, or a good meal and a stiff drink, we got you covered.”
The puppy, finished with his explorations, had returned to them. He was jumping up and down in an attempt to get one of them to pick him up.
Padraig took the bait—and the wet kisses. “So, what are we going to name this little fella?”
“How about Seamus? That name seems to keep creeping up in our lives, whether it’s leprechauns, wands or cheeky Irishmen.”
Padraig considered and nodded. “I like it. A lot, and I think it suits the guy.”
She and Padraig set up Seamus’s food and water dish in the kitchen, played fetch with a soft toy in the living room, then debated where in their bedroom to put the dog’s bed. That discussion was declared pointless when Seamus whined and tried to hop up on their bed. Mia lifted him up and the tiny puppy happily settled down at the foot of it.
“Are we letting him sleep in the bed with us?” Padraig asked, clearly not a fan of the idea.
For Mia, it wasn’t even a question. “Of course we are. Look how sweet he is when he’s asleep. Besides, I can cuddle with him on nights when you work late.”
“Four months into this relationship and I’ve already been replaced by a dog.”
Mia tugged off her clothes, pulling on the T-shirt she usually slept in when Padraig didn’t immediately take it back off her.
He opted for sleeping in the nude, which suited her just fine. They climbed into bed, both laughing when Seamus crawled right up between them and settled back to sleep.
Padraig looked at her over the softly snoring dog’s head. “I’m going to research obedience schools in the morning.”
She giggled. “Don’t know if it will help. Something tells me we’re both firmly standing in the ‘indulgent pushovers’ camp.”
Padraig didn’t bother to disagree. It was obvious he knew she was right.
They lay facing each other, petting the puppy.
“I’m glad talking to Lauren helped,” Padraig said after a few minutes.
Mia decided to take advantage of the opening he provided, bringing up a subject that had actually caused some of her darker moments this week.
“When I’m gone—”
“Mia,” Padraig interrupted her immediately. He never let her talk about her coming death. Never let her say the words or admit that it was happening.
“Paddy. Please. I want to talk about this.”
He closed his eyes and then, because he was wonderful and giving, he sighed and nodded. “Okay.”
“When I’m gone,” she repeated, “I think maybe you should consider talking to Lauren—or Chad, if you’re more comfortable with him—about…stuff.”
“Mia, I don’t really want to think about life without you.”
She gave him a smile. “And I think that’s really sweet. But also really stupid.”
He chuckled at her joke. Neither of them wanted to have this conversation, but Mia had things she needed to say, things that had been bothering her. Humor would make it easier.
She dove back in. “I’m not going to be here next year.”
“Fuck. Stop. Stop it right now, Mia. I can’t—”
She forged on. “I don’t want you to be sad.”
He rolled his eyes. “Now who’s being stupid? Jesus. I’ll be devastated.”
Lauren had used that same word. There were so many people in so many different situations, and yet they all felt the same unbearable, heartbreaking pain. For the first time, Mia really didn’t feel alone.
“Fine. Good. Be devastated. For a little while. Then stop being sad. You’re only thirty-one years old. You have another fifty-plus years to think about. I want…” She swallowed. “I want them to be happy for you. We’ve spent so much of the past few months, living out my dreams. You’ve never told me what yours are.”
“You,” he said, without a second’s hesitation. “You’re my dream come true.”
She let those words sink in deep, warming her straight to the core. “You’re mine too,” she admitted.
He placed his hand on top of hers, where she was still petting Seamus, and gave it a quick squeeze.
“I had a list of dreams,” she said, not willing to let him off the hook. “Tell me more. Tell me the ones you’re going to chase after…” She didn’t add anything to the after. It always upset him, made him wince.
“I…I’m not sure anymore.”
And with those words, he confirmed her fears. He was losing sight of his own hopes and dreams. She didn’t want his future to end when she did.
“Tell me the ones that were there before me. Start with something simple.”
“I want to go to the Super Bowl. And game seven of the Stanley Cup final, but only if the Caps are playing. And the World—”
She giggled. “Are there an
y goals that don’t involve sports?”
“I always liked the sound of a cruise to Mexico.”
“Oh!” Her eyes widened. “Dammit. I wish I’d thought to put that on my list.”
He didn’t tell her there was time because they both knew there wasn’t. With the onset of the seizures, neither of them was comfortable with the idea of straying too far from her doctor.
“What else?”
“I’d like to take one of those charter boats out on the ocean and fish for tuna and bluefish, ride a donkey into the Grand Canyon, run a marathon, and hike a bit of the Appalachian Trail.”
“Your list is longer than mine.”
He was grinning. At least until her next question.
“Do you want to have kids?”
He froze, his refusal to respond to the question all the answer she needed.
“Of course you do. You’re going to be an amazing dad. So, you’ll fall in love again, get married and have a family.”
He shook his head, but she didn’t let him voice his refusal.
“You’re too amazing, Paddy. Too full of life to not go out there and find love again. And you have to have kids. Maybe twin boys like you and your brother.”
“God, no. Me and Colm were total pains in the ass. Not sure how my folks survived our childhood.” He paused, then said, “I’d really like a little girl.”
She imagined Padraig with a daughter on his lap. She could envision the girl in bib overalls with braids, giggling as her daddy tickled her. “I hope you get your daughter.”
“I wish she could be yours too.”
Mia swallowed deeply, determined not to cry. It was definitely time to return to humor. “What? Why would I want a kid when I have this adorable puppy hogging the bed?”
Padraig’s smile was faint, but there.
“Go get your dreams, Paddy. Live every second of that life you’ve just imagined. Make sure you find the same happiness that you’ve given me.”
He reached over and ran the back of his hand along her cheek. “Okay, Mia. I will.”
“Good. Because I’d really hate to have to come back and haunt you.”
He chuckled, then carefully climbed over the dog to cage her beneath him. He gave her a kiss that he clearly intended to take a lot further.