by Elisa Ellis
“What? Yeah, coming down now,” she responds.
I hear them giggling as they come down the stairs, and my eyes are drawn to her. She is stunning in a pale green sundress that falls above her knees and accentuates her curves, beautifully bringing out the small, green flecks in her blue eyes. I smile, watching her descend as I walk to meet her, grabbing her into a tight hug when we meet.
“Hey. Thanks for rescuing me. You look great,” I whisper into her hair.
A gorgeous smile on her face, she whispers back, “From what, babe?”
“The cougar,” I whisper back and briefly look at Chasity’s mom. They don’t notice, busy talking to each other.
Sera giggles, “I bet you can hold your own. You’re pretty tough.” She grabs my hand so that we can get Chasity and leave, and I squeeze her hand, winking at her. “You know it, babe.” I’m glad she isn’t reacting weirdly. Maybe she knew Chasity’s mom is like this? Either way, I’m thankful she recognizes my honor, that I would never do anything to hurt her, even when under attack by a cougar.
Chasity drives a little sports car so we have to go in Sera’s Bronco. I’m driving while they chat. This car is badass so I don’t mind. The party is about thirty miles away in an extremely wealthy subdivision. I’ve driven by but never entered the gated community; so, as I pull up to the gate, the girls instruct me to enter in a code. I guess that’s one way of making sure only the invited are able to attend. Except I’m not invited. I hope it won’t be an issue. I’m not sure I have enough tolerance to deal with a bunch of dumbass preps.
I drive around a couple of curvy streets before parking along the side of the wide road that sits between mansions. There are about twenty or so cars already parked closer to the house, which the girls point out as the party house. It is all lit up, and I can hear the music playing and people laughing as we walk about a block and a half to get there. I assume there are no parents around. It looks like there are teenagers just making themselves at home throughout the inside and outside of the house, but they do look older, I think only juniors and seniors in the mix. I vaguely recognize a few guys from some of my classes, but I generally keep to myself in school so I don’t figure they will talk to me.
Wearing my worn jeans with a plain black t-shirt, I feel out of place, but Sera is holding my hand tightly as we weave in and out of the crowd. She doesn’t seem to be worried about being here with me. I wish I was that sure. I’m a confident person, but I’m not naive. I recognize the difference between me and the rest of the people here. Money makes a big difference in this world, and I’m not a part of the big-money club. It’s cool with me, but I doubt it is with them as I notice the people who aren’t flat out ignoring me, give me looks of disdain.
Chasity screams with excitement as we come up on a group of their friends. There are three girls and two guys who all hug Sera and Chasity when we approach them. As Sera introduces me, they all seem nice, the girls smiling and guys shaking my hand. We each grabbed a beer from a keg on the way through the backyard. I’m wishing I already had another, just a bit to put me more at ease. It’s hard to match Sera’s light. Her radiant aura is so serene; I don’t want the storm in my mind clouding this night. Just being with her, near her, I feel joy. She smells sweet, delicious. I move closer, pulling her in front of me so that I can wrap my arms around her and keep her close, and I feel her push back against me. It is soothing and intense at the same time. Just between us.
Surrounded by laughter and kids playing beer pong, music adding to the background noise, we are still in our own little moment. Swaying to the sounds, our energy combined fills up a space bigger than us, love almost overflowing, like fizz that barely stays contained within its cup. I talk quietly into her ear, feeling her soft hair against my lips.
“I love being here with you. Thank you for inviting me.”
Turning her head back into my chest so that I can see her smile, she says, “It’s so pretty tonight. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else but right here in your arms.”
“Same here.” She feels like home to me. Warm and inviting. Comfort but chaos at the same time, my senses intertwining, creating sparks on the verge of a blaze.
We are so caught up in ourselves that we don’t see the idiot who’s coming towards us before he’s already up in my face, sloshing his damn beer onto my legs and shoes.
“What do you think you’re doing here? Why don’t you go back to your little shack where you belong?”
“What the hell, man? What’s your fucking problem?” I yell back at him.
Sera is trying to pull me away. “Babe, babe, let’s just go. C’mon. He’s not worth it.”
I’m clenching my jaws together, tense and infuriated at the interruption. I don’t even care what he thinks about me, but he’s not going to ruin this night. I won’t let him. And as much as I don’t want to hurt Sera, I also refuse to stand down, not to this asshole.
“My problem is you; I don’t think a poor, white trash, trailer park piece of shit like you deserves to be here, and you sure don’t deserve to touch Sera.”
Sera yells, “You’re drunk Chance. Just leave us alone.”
I can’t help it, though. I’m done. I punch him in the jaw and the fight is on. He swings back but misses, clearly impaired, so I bend down and pick him up just to throw him back down on the ground. I’m on top of him punching him in the face repeatedly for who knows how long before several guys grab me to pull me off of him. I vaguely remember Sera screaming in the background, begging me to stop, but I can’t stop. I notice he’s out when I’m standing up, backing away while everyone is still around me, just watching. Cell phones out, documenting my every move which makes me sick. I’m not their toy, their entertainment for the night. I hate the permanency of the internet and don’t look forward to school next week, sure I’ll hear about it.
I mean, sure, the few people who know me will congratulate me for kicking his ass, the stupid prick deserving, but I don’t want that for Sera.
I stand beside her Bronco, still heated in fury, but it’s coming down hard as my adrenaline rush dissipates, leaving me drained and frustrated with my reaction. I hate that I scared Sera. She’s probably disgusted with me. I’m just about to start walking back into town when I hear her call out to me.
“Cal. Wait up.”
I look down while wringing my hands and kind of walk in a circle trying to decide how to talk to her. But before I talk, she’s already talking and I’m trying to catch up, my mind still in another place.
“Babe, wait. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry about Chance. He just doesn’t understand.”
I speak calmly, trying hard to subdue the wrath I have just hearing his name, much less the fact that she’s the one apologizing to me.
“No. Stop. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I let him get to me,” still conflicted about what the appropriate reaction would have been. Honestly, it felt good to beat the shit out of him. Sometimes I want to fight someone just for the hell of it anyway, so his coming at me was a good excuse to let go. But I shake my head. I don’t want to be them. I don’t want to conform. And she’s one of them, so I’m unsure what to do. What does she want from me?
Her hands hold my face lovingly, bringing me back to where she is, and it’s good. She’s good. I can feel her spirit, and her kindness envelops mine.
I place my roughed-up hands on top of hers, caressing her with my thumbs while releasing my pain and holding on for dear life. She is my life. Words aren’t necessary and I’m grabbing her, embracing her, leaving no space for anything to get between us.
“Babe,” I sigh. “Thank you. Thank you for believing in me. I’m so sorry.” I can’t stop apologizing to her, convincing her of my worth. Convincing myself.
“It’s ok. Really, it’s ok, Cal. Let’s just get in the car. I’ll text Chasity and tell her to hurry up and come on.”
“Ok.” It’s all I can say.
We wait for about fifteen minutes for Chasity, and I’m about ready to lose i
t. I don’t want to be anywhere near this overpriced neighborhood anymore, surely filled with more Chances. I’ve never been more proud to be poor because right now, I have more than ever, more than anyone else here. I have Sera, and I have hope. A fortune worth more than any material thing. It’s then that I realize Chance’s problem.
“Babe, were you with him? Did you date Chance before me?”
She looks down, embarrassment shadowing her glow, and I hate it. She nods, a tear falling before she can catch it.
“I’m sorry. I’m not mad. It just explains why. That’s all.” I can’t be mad at her. If anything, I’m sorry she was ever subjected to his toxic attitude. He’s fake, but tonight the masks were gone, and his ugliness overtook his features, distorted with each word out of his mouth.
Pulling at a small string on her dress, she remains uncomfortable while she talks. “It’s not ok, though, Cal. I can’t believe he said that stuff. What a jerk! I mean, I don’t know what kind of claim he thinks he has on me. What right does he have to even say anything at all?”
I love her. She is so pure. She doesn’t see the evil in this world, and I want to shelter her from it for the rest of our lives. I will not let this happen again. She will never see me in a rage like that again. I have to be who she needs me to be.
“Come here,” I tell her, reaching to pull her into my arms across the console between us. “It’s ok. It won’t happen again, and we are ok. Right?” I cup her face, bringing her eyes to mine. “Right?”
She nods, and I’m thankful.
Chasity jumps in the car breaking up our little moment.
“Hey guys!” She talks too loudly. Out of breath, overly excited. “Well that was crazy, huh?”
“Seriously, Chasity?” Sera asks, frustrated at her friend’s shallow disposition.
“What? You should have seen everybody in there after y’all left!”
“Why? What happened?” I ask, unfortunately too curious for my own good.
“Well, Chance is fine, but he’s pissed. A couple of guys tried to help him up but he didn’t want their help and stormed off into the house. I could hear people talking, and most of them sounded like they were glad Chance finally got his ass kicked.”
“Really?” I ask, sarcastically and disbelieving.
“Yeah, well, I mean, they weren’t exactly siding with you, but still, I think a lot of our friends are sick of Chance. He can be a real jerk to everyone. But, yeah, some of them were still happy you left, too,” she says.
I can’t tell if she is embarrassed about that or cool with it, but I guess I don’t really care. I start the car and turn around in the road so we can get back to town. Now I kind of wish Sera wasn’t spending the night with Chasity because I would really like to spend more time with her alone. She grabs my hand, and we hold them together on top of the console, silently reassuring each other of our feelings, regardless of the crazy night we had at the party.
Chapter 10
Now
I lost weight after the accident, and I wasn’t exactly big to begin with. It sucks because I feel like a wimp now. I remind myself that I need to start lifting again. Being blind shouldn’t prevent me from being physically fit, and maybe it could help pass the time when I’m not working on homework or sculpting.
My clothes hang on me loosely. I can feel that the button-up shirt I haven’t worn in forever is too big, and I don’t really have many clothes anyway. I pull it off and throw it towards my bed, deciding to just wear a t-shirt. It’s not like I need to impress anyone. Mom organized my drawers to put plain white t-shirts in one drawer with my boxers and socks, and then she put dark colored shirts in one drawer with coordinating shorts, athletic shirts and shorts in another drawer. My jeans hang in the closet, light to dark, followed by khakis and my two button-up shirts. It’s very annoying to not know for sure which clothes are which, and trusting my mom to coordinate my clothes feels like I’m five years old. I have always been somewhat sensitive to the way my clothes feel. I hate tags, and if my t-shirts aren’t soft, I feel like I’m going to freaking lose it. Weird. I know. But it feels like those issues are even more relevant now. My old t-shirts are comforting even if I probably look like I’m some kind of scumbag who can’t afford anything new.
Opting for a tighter fitting t-shirt that I’m pretty sure is the black one I used to wear a lot and some of my faded jeans that are worn with a few holes in them, I throw on my black Docs that I got at a second-hand store several years ago. They were a good deal, twenty bucks for boots I’ve seen at regular stores for over a hundred. And they are built to last, even when I worked at the shop. I sound like a damn girl all worried about my outfit. I’m such a douche. Who really gives a shit what I wear?
My hair is a little longer than I used to wear it. I’m hoping it makes the scar a little less visible, not because I’m vain, but because I don’t want the attention. I hate hearing the hushed whispers when people notice me. I can’t stay in the background like I used to with my cane front and center, but I can’t stand for people to look at me, and even though I obviously can’t see them, I can feel it. I can sense the stares, the quiet gasps spoken in my direction. Drives me fucking insane.
Maybe I shouldn’t be going out tonight. I’m not sure I’m ready for this. I want to be normal. I want to get out of this box of a house. But this box is comfortable, safe. Confining, but shelter from the shit storm this world seems to rain down on me. Or is this part of the shit, foul, but warm and familiar? Am I sitting right in it?
Ugh.
I’ll go. If I can’t handle it, I’ll just find a way to come back home, to my palace of crap and contentment. To what isn’t really life, but existence.
I hear the knock on the door around eight. Mom’s at work, so I open the door and am greeted by Ray as he grabs my hand to shake it.
“Dude, it’s about time you join the living.”
“Whatever, man. Let’s go before I change my mind,” I say.
“We’ll get a couple of beers in ya and see if that’ll lighten’ you up a little. You sure as hell need it,” he says, a smirk evident in his voice.
“Yeah, yeah. And then my blind ass will kick yours in darts.”
“Shit. You’re not playing darts around me, asshole.”
“Hell yeah, I am. Maybe I’ll become the next blind dart-playing prodigy,” I joke.
I like that I can joke about myself in front of Ray and that he treats me like a normal guy. I’d rather that than have everyone walk on eggshells, always worried about offending me.
Triple Eight is only about fifteen minutes away. We turn into the gravel parking lot and come to a stop. Hearing the car turn off, I tense up a little. Screw it.
“Let’s do this.” I get out of the car myself and Ray comes around to guide me inside. I decided not to bring my cane. Surely I can get around in a place this size, especially since I plan on sitting in the corner drinking the whole time.
“Aww hell, I can’t fucking see,” Ray says when we enter. “It’s dark in here.”
“Welcome to my world, loser,” I say, smiling.
“Shut the hell up. Let’s go sit back by the pool tables,” he says, continuing to lead me.
I find a chair against the wall where I can hear the pool balls clacking to my right. I’ve been in here a couple of times before and remember that the bar is straight ahead against the opposite wall. Ray heads over to grab us a pitcher of beer. Cigarette smoke fills the room already, and it’s not even full yet, just pockets of conversations drifting amid the plumes.
I hear the pitcher of beer plop down on the table and the glasses clank together as they are put down next to it.
Ray pours a drink and slides it towards me so I feel for it quickly, trying not to be too obvious. Downing it, I put my glass back on the table. “Hit me again, dude.”
“Sheesh, man. You’re gonna be gone too soon if you don’t slow it down.”
“I can hold my own. Just pour me another.”
I sip my ne
xt drink, the first one just a good start. Ray is scouting the room for girls, commenting on the hot ones.
“Sexy ass with fine legs, 2 o’clock.”
I look in that direction.
“Don’t look over there, man. I don’t want her to come over here. Gotta see who I like best first,” he chides me.
“Seriously? I can’t freakin’ see, dumbass!”
“Yeah, but you make it obvious when you look in that direction.”
“Well, then don’t tell me where she is, dipshit.”
“I’m just trying to give you a sense of where the hot girls are,” he tells me.
“Don’t worry about it. I’m not interested.”
He just sighs, “Fine. Just drink your beer, but you are not gonna sit here and sulk.”
I’m really not interested in some dumb, freakin’ hoe in this bar. I had my chance and it’s over now. Besides, I don’t want a pity screw. And the last thing I need is some girl thinking she can save me. No fucking thank you.
After I’ve had a few beers and some of Ray’s friends are here, I start livening up. A little. Joining in the banter around a pool game, I trash talk with the best of them. I used to be able to kick anyone’s ass in pool. I wish I could play, but when Ray sees me feeling sorry for myself, he doesn’t let me off that easily.
“Let’s see what you got, Cal. Maybe you should put your money where your mouth is.”
What the hell? It’s not like I can lose anything, and I’m pretty relaxed, my inhibitions gone. Walking to the table that is nearest me on my right, I reach out for a cue stick.
“Hand me the chalk,” I say, preparing to see what I can do without sight. Should be interesting. “I’ll break.”
Ray sets up the balls in the triangle on the table and directs me to the right end while handing me the white, cue ball. I feel around the table so I can set the ball in the middle.
“You better not jack with me, Ray.” I hear him laugh.
“Fine. Just a second,” I hear him say as he moves the grouping of balls to the center. I had a feeling he would place it to one side. Fucking asshole.