by Elisa Ellis
Smiling, I attach it to the present. Things have been way too serious for way too long. It’s time to lighten the mood. I’m making that my early New Year’s Resolution, to lighten up and to have a little more faith.
The door creaks as it opens, inviting a frigid wind as Mom breezes in, singing her words, “Merry Christmas Eve, Cal! I have tomorrow off. Isn’t that great?” She’s clearly very cheery.
“Merry Christmas Eve to you too, Mom. That is great. You deserve a break,” I say, smiling as I greet her.
“Thank you, Cal, but you know it’s just what I’ve got to do. I would never trade my life as your Mom.”
She’s told me this a million times. I just nod and tell her, “I know, Mom. Thank you.”
She asks, “So, do you want to open your present tonight or wait until tomorrow? I really want to give it to you now.” She’s always enjoyed giving me things even if she can’t do it very often, and she always has a hard time keeping it a secret.
I chuckle. “Sure; let’s open them tonight.” I’m anxious to give her mine, too, so I reach under the tree, grab the card and present, and hand them to her.
“Cal, when did you…?” I can hear tears mark her voice.
“It’s nothing, Mom. I just made a little something for you at school.”
She reads the card out loud (which I hate), but I gladly hug her back when she grabs me.
“I love you, son. I know I don’t say it much, but I do. I don’t love your attitude when you are feeling angry, but I will be here for you no matter what. I hope you always remember that.”
“Thanks, Mom. Now quit your crying and open the present,” I say, teasingly.
“Ok, ok.” I can hear the paper ripping and wish I could see her face when I hear her gasp.
“This is so incredibly beautiful. I cannot believe you made this. I mean, I can, but gosh, Cal, do you even know how gifted you are? I love this.”
“Thanks, Mom. I’m sure it could be better. I was just thinking, ‘I’ve never given you flowers….’”
“It’s perfect. Thank you so much, dear,” she says, understanding my modest shrug.
I hear her clap her hands with excitement. “Ok. Now you have to open yours. Hold on.” She doesn’t go to the tree, but outside.
“Where are you going?” I ask.
“Just a second,” she yells while running away from the apartment.
What the heck? I have no idea what she’s doing. She doesn’t even have to blindfold me for effect, I think, grinning.
I’ve moved closer to the door when I hear it swoosh open again with the cold wind, but I’m more focused on listening for any clues as to what in the world Mom is bringing in. I hear breathing. No. It’s more like snorting.
“Cal, meet Luke,” she says, placing a leash in my hand. I can’t believe it. She mentioned once that I should get a service dog, but I know how hard it is to get a trained dog, as well as expensive.
“This is freakin’ awesome, Mom. Where did you get him? Describe him to me,” I say, immediately squatting and feeling his head. He is sitting at my feet, very calmly, but licks my face happily.
“He’s a yellow lab, about 70 pounds. He’s 16 months old and recently graduated from a training program where they train guide dogs for the blind. I inquired online and they shipped him here from Oregon on an airplane, sooo, I picked him up just now. He’s beautiful. I think he will be a great addition to our little family. What do you think?”
I can’t stop smiling as I hug and pet him. “Hi, Luke. You’re a good boy, aren’t you? Yes you are.”
Then I remember the other present under the tree. “Then what’s under the tree?” I ask Mom.
“Oh yeah. Let me get it. It’s for Luke.” I guide Luke a few steps to the living room and sit down on the edge of my recliner so that I can continue to pet him.
“Here you go, Luke,” she says, unwrapping and handing him a toy. “Hold on. We have to take your harness off, huh?” Mom explains to me that when he has his harness on, he is working, but when it’s off, he can play.
“Apparently they normally insist that you spend time with him in the facility where they train him and won’t let him go home with you for a couple of weeks, but they were really kind and have arranged for someone local to help you learn how to use him,” she informs me.
“Huh. I just can’t believe you were able to get him. Wasn’t he too much?” She knows I understand we don’t have much money.
“Well, actually, I applied for a special grant and we were approved. I think God has been looking out for us.”
Hmm. She never talks like that, but after what Dr. Roberts said, I’m starting to wonder. Maybe God really is helping us when we need it.
Now that his harness is off, Luke playfully puts his paw on my leg.
“What is it, little fellow?” It’s like he’s hitting me, trying to get my attention.
Mom says, “Maybe he wants you to play fetch with him?”
Chuckling, I toss the toy toward the bathroom at the end of our short hallway. “Go get it!”
Luke takes off and is back within seconds, holding the toy at my knees. It becomes quite slobbery after several fetches, but I’m so happy to have him that it doesn’t matter to me at all.
“I really love him, Mom. Thank you so much,” I say, to which she quietly replies, “of course, son.”
After dinner, we head to bed, Luke by my side.
Yeah, I think things are going to start getting better.
Before
I lie awake in my bed thinking about Sera and what I want to say to her tomorrow after school. What I need to say to her.
Her dad is being a dick. I know he wants good things for his daughter, and he obviously doesn’t consider me as “good.” She makes me good, though. I mean, what the hell? Money doesn’t make people good, and lack of money doesn’t make people bad. It just irritates the hell out of me that he judges me without even knowing me.
I can’t sleep. It’s hot in my room. I decide to write Sera a note. Maybe then I can get all of my thoughts out at once.
Sera ~
God, there’s so much I want to say to you. I’ve been lying in my bed thinking about us. I know your dad doesn’t think I’m good enough for you. I really want to be, though. You make me more than I am. I feel like I’m on the top of the world, like I’m fucking Superman, when I’m with you. But I don’t want to drain you. I want to make you feel that way, too. I want to be the one who lifts you higher, compliments who you are, brings out your best. And I don’t know exactly how to do that, Sera. But I do know that I desire your happiness above all things. I will do everything in my power to always be there for you. If you want to go to school, I will support you. If you want to go explore the world, I will be by your side. I just can’t not be with you. Because when I’m not with you, I’m not me. I feel like we are supposed to be together. I really do believe that what we have is real. I know we are young. It’s not like I’m trying to get married and have kids and whatever else. I just want to grow with you. I want to learn with you, experience life and everything in it, with you. Only with you.
Please take this journey with me. Please stay with me, go with me, do life with me. Because I pretty much can’t do it without you.
So, hopefully I am convincing you, because I’m ready to take this on. You and your sexy self, and me- we are good. And we deserve good.
So, yeah, let’s do this. Now maybe I can freaking go to sleep. If nothing else, do it for my sleep’s sake. Haha
Ok, I’m rambling now…
With all my love (and everything that comes with it),
~Cal
The hours of this day have seemed like years as I wait to finally meet with my beautiful girl. My Sera. My light. Distracted in all of my classes, I have somehow made it through the day on autopilot because I don’t remember learning anything. Of course, half the time, I don’t know how much I’m really learning in this stupid school anyway. Fucking high school. It’s a waiting g
ame.
With the school day finally behind me, I walk to my favorite double doors, made beautiful by her. I think the only great thing about this school is that nobody really cares that she and I are meeting before school is out. No questions, no weird looks from teachers. Thank God. It’s currently the only safe place we can be together freely.
Straight, smooth hair that I have come to know so well is all I can see from where she waits behind the small entryway, and already, electricity runs through my veins. I’m smiling like a big idiot, but I feel like I could fly, or jump the length of the hall just to reach her. Then I chuckle when another student passes me in the hall muttering, “What the fuck are you smiling at?” I’m sure I look like a dumbass to him. I was that guy just yesterday.
And then I’m with her, my left hand grabbing her left arm, my right curling around her waist pulling her close to me, breathing her in.
I slipped my note to her early in the day through a guy I know who is an office aid first period. I knew he would be able to get it to her. He works with me at the shop so I trusted him not to read it. Plus, I put it in a sealed envelope to make it look more important so the teacher would let her have it.
“Did you get my note?” I ask her, feeling content and complete with her in my arms.
“Yes.” She pulls away so that she can see my face, and her teary smile says so much.
“God, babe. You are so fucking beautiful.” It’s ridiculous how soft I’ve become but it’s worth it. “Well…?” I prod, needing to hear her response.
“I got it, and you don’t have to convince me. I want to be with you, too. You know, Dad just wants me to go to school, grow up some before getting into a serious relationship. It’s been my goal forever, too. Since I was a little girl, I just wanted to make him proud, and I still hate the idea of letting him down.”
I start to interrupt her, worrying this isn’t going the way I want it to, but she touches my lips, “Shhh, let me finish.”
“Ok,” I say quietly, silently praying to God, or whoever is in charge of the universe, to please be on my side. Please let me have a chance with her.
“So, as I was saying…” she says, smiling, “I don’t want him to be disappointed in me, but maybe we can somehow get through to him. The thing is, I know you want to leave and not go to college yet. That idea scares me so much, but it also thrills me. I’ve been thinking a lot about it.”
“Babe, we don’t have to do that. I just want to be with you,” I say, assuring her we can work it out.
“I know, Cal. I’m not saying that. You’ve actually never even asked me to go with you, so I know you aren’t trying to change my path. But, like I said, I’ve been thinking about it, and even though it freaks me out, I kind of want to do that, too, like, before I go to college. I could still go to college. I just…I don’t know what I want to be. I’m not ready to decide my life right now. I think travelling, experiencing life with you for maybe a year or so, God, that sounds amazing to me. But you know my father will die. There’s no way he’s gonna let it happen, so I haven’t exactly figured that part out yet. But, yeah…I want nothing more in this world than to be with you,” she concludes, beaming up at me, surely knowing what her words mean to me.
Before I can even talk I’m hugging her so tight. “Let’s get out of here. Please tell me you can leave with me. We really need more time, like, right freaking now.” I smile at her. She is my everything.
“Actually…” she says in a teasing tone, “I kind of told my dad that I was going home with Chasity after school to study. He asked a lot of questions, which is annoying because he doesn’t trust me, although maybe he’s right not to, but anyway, I think he finally believed me. Especially after he talked to the cougar and she vouched for me,” she says, giggling.
“Hmmmm, maybe the cougar isn’t horrible after all. But I think I’ll still keep a safe distance from her,” I say, laughing with her.
“Soooo, do you wanna hang out here in the school all day or what?” She’s in a silly mood.
“Hell no! I need a little more privacy for what I’m going to have to do to get you back for keeping me in suspense,” I say, nudging her side.
She yelps and takes off running. “You have to catch me first.”
And Oh God. This silly version of Sera is fucking stunning.
I walk quickly behind her, just enjoying the moment, before jogging to catch her just as she reaches my bike. I can’t wait any-fucking-more. I’m kissing her with all I have, making up for each lost moment, and promising a love I haven’t been able to speak with words yet but that I’m realizing is consuming me.
Chapter 16
Now
I’ve had Luke for two weeks, and Shannon, the trainer who worked with us, finally gave me a certificate of completion for the initial training period. Apparently, there is a support group and other classes and events I can attend if I want to travel thirty miles, but I’m thinking I’m not interested. I didn’t tell Shannon that. She was very nice, but a little overenthusiastic if you ask me. She won’t take no for an answer, and I don’t feel like arguing with her.
I never really thought about how much work it is to have a dog in general. Taking him out for walks and grooming him, keeping him up-to-date on health care, it’s all a big responsibility, and it takes me out of my comfort zone. I’m not able to sit inside all day. And when we are out, Luke takes his sweet time locating the perfect spot to relieve himself.
It’s weird because this last month of not being in school, while it started out boring, has kind of caused me to revert back to my introverted self, and I feel nervous about starting back on Monday. Mom said she already contacted the school regarding Luke, but I’m a little concerned that he will bring unwanted attention. Like I’m not already obvious enough.
Grunts, the clank of weights, and the swooshing of the treadmills reveal all of the students are back in full force. I debated bringing Luke with me today to the gym. Would he get in the way? Of me, or of others? I decided, though, that it would be a good way for me to reintroduce myself to school life but with Luke by my side, so here we are, standing outside the dressing room against the wall while I listen and work out in my mind where there might be an open spot on machine weights.
I’m feeling out of my element.
Just before I decide to turn back and head home, I hear a familiar voice.
“Oh my gosh! Cal! He’s so cute. What’s his name?”
“Emily?”
“Yes, it’s me. So what’s your dog’s name? I just love him!”
“Oh, umm, yeah, his name is Luke. Actually, I’m not supposed to let people pet him or anything while he is working. Sorry.” I feel like an ass. I don’t want to be rude, but I’m not sure how else to say it. Shannon was adamant that I don’t allow people to distract Luke, especially since he’s still pretty new at this, too.
She sounds embarrassed. “Oh. I’m sorry. Well, do you need help with anything today?” Back to business.
“It’s all good. I just got him and we are both still learning. But, yeah, I was just thinking maybe it’s too crowded for me today. What do you think? Are all of the machines being used?”
“Well, actually, there’s one over in the corner. Come on. I’ll take you.” I can tell she’s unsure about how to go about directing me, so I reach my hand out and tell her, “Lead the way. I’ll lead Luke.” In training, I learned that guide dogs don’t lead the blind, but rather, the owner leads the dog. Dogs don’t know the way to go unless we command them, but they are able to warn the owner of bumps, holes, or obstacles.
She grabs my hand and it feels warm. I squeeze it a little. I justify it in mind that I’m just trying to show her that I’m thankful for her help, but deep down, I recognize I’m longing for touch, for attention. Pushing back my conflicted feelings, I push forward, continuing to pursue something more with this girl.
It takes less than a minute for all of these thoughts to run through my mind before we are already at the machine a
nd she’s letting go of my hand.
“Here we are. You can let Luke sit right over here while you work out. It’s great seeing you, Cal. I’ll be around helping other people, but just wave your hand when you’re ready and I’ll come back. Ok?”
“Ok, thanks.” I smile in her direction. I probably pissed her off when I told her she couldn’t pet Luke, but I’m hoping she can get past that. My lack of confidence irritates me. I was never overconfident, but God, now I feel like such a loser sometimes.
After about 45 minutes of working out my lower body, I wave my hand. Damn, I hate looking like such an idiot. Honestly, I could get back to the locker room without help now, but I’m hoping for one more chance to talk to Emily before I leave.
She is there quickly, saying, “Hey, Cal. All done?”
“Yep. So, how much longer do you have to work today?” I ask, feeling brave.
“Oh, umm, actually, I leave in five minutes. Why? What’s up?”
“Well, I was just wondering if you might want to get a drink or something. I’ll let you pet Luke.” I tease her.
Her giggle is cute. The sparks I had with Sera are not there, but I figure that was a one-time thing anyway. And I’m not looking for a girlfriend. I just want a little companionship.
“Sure. Sounds fun. I’ll meet you outside in, like, five minutes. Is that ok?” she asks. I guess she’s not overconfident either.
Smiling, I nod my head before going to change clothes. “Good boy, Luke. Come on; let’s go,” I say, grabbing his harness. Maybe he is good for more than one thing, I think, chuckling.
“Sorry it took me a minute. I had to help Trey unlock some lockers before I could leave. So where do you want to go?” I hear her say, as soon as she exits the building. I was starting to wonder if she’d changed her mind.
“No problem. How about the Commons? We can sit where those couches are.”
“Ok.”