by Elisa Ellis
Nodding his head in response, we spend the next hour working my legs. It’s probably the most relaxed I’ve felt in a session so far.
Back at the house, Dad suggests I unpack the boxes that remain piled up in my room. Because I don’t want him to become suspicious, I decide to go ahead and unpack at least a few. It bothers me to place my beloved things in this room, so I try to focus more on clothes and things that have less meaning.
This will never be my home.
Now
“What else is on the list?” Mandy asks me. We are shopping for tonight. Cal and Ray are coming to our apartment, and we are both so stinkin’ excited.
“Let’s see. We need to get a chair or two, and I was thinking we might want to get some snacks. You have to buy the beer since I can’t. Oh, and a birthday cake!” I say in a singsong voice.
“No. We do not need a cake,” Mandy insists.
“Yes, we do, and we’re getting one whether you like it or not,” I tell her.
“Dude, the guys don’t know it’s my birthday, and I don’t want to make them feel weird.”
“Whatever. We’re getting a cake,” I assert, “And candles!”
Huffing loudly, she smiles. “Fine, you win.”
“You know I do,” I tease.
Carrying two pizzas, the guys stand waiting at our doorstep after ringing the doorbell. Mandy is still touching up her makeup, so I answer.
“Hi, y’all. Come in,” I invite them, smiling. “Why don’t you just put the pizza on the counter in the kitchen, and we can sit in the living room while we wait for Mandy.”
Taking Cal’s hand, I lead him to the loveseat that we found online. It’s used, but it looks new, the leather in perfect condition. We couldn’t pass up such a great deal, and we had planned to buy a couple of chairs anyway.
The weather is unseasonably warm, so I am wearing shorts and a t-shirt, choosing to be comfy since we are just hanging out in our apartment. Sitting next to Cal, I tuck my feet beneath me so that I can face him. His hand naturally falls to his side and finds my leg, so he caresses it, making circles with his thumb. Such a simple action stirs up my emotions.
“I’ve missed you,” I tell him.
“Me, too.”
“Can I hug you?” I ask, feeling a bit nervous and unsure.
Holding his arms out, he welcomes me to him and pulls me close, practically up onto his lap. My arms hug him tightly over his shoulders, his around my middle, embracing for several minutes before Ray finally clears his throat telling us to get a room.
I’m thankful to spend time with Ray and Mandy here, and I initially thought it would be good to have a buffer, but surprisingly, I feel so comfortable with Cal, like the last nine or ten months never happened. Before he lets me go, he whispers into my ear, “Later. I fucking promise.” I’m sure he hears my sigh in response. I have to force myself to be quiet, the involuntary groan almost escaping.
As I break apart from his embrace, he grabs me, his arm around me keeping us as close as we can be. God, I can’t even explain the intensity of being wrapped up at his side. So good. Safe, free, forever.
When Mandy finally comes in wearing a cute, casual dress, I can tell she is definitely hoping for something more with Ray, and looking at his expression when he sees her, the feeling is clearly mutual.
Cal jokes, “I know I can’t see what’s going on, but damn, I sure can feel it. It’s not just us who need to get a room.” Giggling at his teasing, Mandy comes over and announces, “I’m gonna punch you now, just so you’re ready,” before punching him on the arm. He and Ray are both laughing, the mood for the beginning of our night fantastic.
After we eat pizza and talk for a while, Mandy and Ray decide to go for a walk outside. Since there is a park across the street, they plan to go hang out on the swings.
“It’s about time,” Cal says.
“Seriously,” I agree, hoping we can spend some time catching up in a more intimate way.
“God, I wish I could see your beautiful face, Sera. In my mind, I can, but I know it’s not a true substitute. But I can smell you, hear you, feel you, and that’s more than I ever thought I could have again.”
“It’s ok to touch me, I mean, if you want to.”
Without further words, his hand moves to my face. He touches my cheeks, my chin, runs the pads of his fingers over my eyes and nose, and then his fingers thread through my hair, pulling me to him, his mouth taking charge as it envelops mine.
“Mmmm, you feel so good, Sera. Your hair is like silk, so soft.” He kisses my eyelids, my cheeks, and then shifts down to my neck.
The heat in the room rises hastily, matching our belated desire.
My hands snake around his neck, playing with his messy hair, duplicating his touch. “Please stay with me forever, Cal,” I whisper, shivering beneath his trembling hands.
“Baby, I just got you back. I will never let you go again. I’m just afraid this is all a dream,” he confesses.
When I pinch his arm, he jumps. “What the hell?” he asks, clearly at a loss.
“I’m just proving to you that this is not a dream,” I explain, giggling.
“Oh really? Remind me to get you back for that later,” he says, chuckling.
The Bluetooth speaker Mandy and I recently bought softly plays in the background following a playlist from Cal’s phone since I haven’t added music to my phone yet.
“Is this the playlist I made for you?” I ask him.
“It is. I listen to it every day.”
“Awww. That’s so nice. I need to see if we can somehow get it on my phone, too.”
“Ray is pretty good with that kind of stuff. We can ask him later,” he tells me.
When one of our favorite slow songs comes on, I ask him to dance with me.
“I can’t dance, Sera. I’m less coordinated now than I used to be, and even then I couldn’t dance,” he says, smiling.
“Come on. Just stand up and hold me. We can sway to the music.”
Pulling him up by his hand, he takes me into his arms, the rhythm naturally leading our movements.
The flutter between us is arousing a blaze.
The cool air swishing in with the opening of the door alerts us to Ray and Mandy’s return. That in addition to their out-of-breath laughter.
“Oh my gosh. A cold front is moving in or something. The wind is crazy, and it’s all of a sudden freezing out there,” Mandy explains. “I told you I would beat you,” she chides Ray, to which he replies, “Yeah, because I gave you a head start.”
Hand-in-hand, apparently their walk brought them closer.
Cal and I are quiet, the interruption probably good before we were consumed.
After another hour of chatting and forcing Mandy to blow out her birthday candles while we sing obnoxiously loudly, the guys have to leave.
“I really wish you didn’t have to go,” I tell Cal, my arms wrapped tightly around his waist. “Me either. When can we get together again? I need to prepare my mind because, right now, it’s fighting me, telling me to never leave your side.”
“Ummm, well, I have to work tomorrow until close, but I get off at 5:00 the day after that. Any chance we could hang out then?”
“It may be more like 6:00 before I’m able, but that works for me. What do you want to do? Want me to come here again?”
“Let me double-check with Mandy and make sure she doesn’t have anything going on, and I will let you know. Do you text? I mean, can you? Or do you just want to call me?” We exchanged numbers the night he came to the diner.
“You can text me because I’m able to listen to it, but just know that when I speak to text, it’s like autocorrect gone wild. Ray cracks up at some of the weird shit I end up sending him, so sometimes it’s easier to just call. Plus, I want to hear your voice instead of the phone voice anyway.”
“Ok, we can talk tomorrow. I miss you already,” I say, feeling down before he even leaves.
“I love you, Sera. I’m so incre
dibly thankful for you, and I will do whatever it takes to be with you, so just hang on, because if we could get through the hell we’ve already gone through, we can get through one more day. Ok, babe?”
Standing on my tip-toes, I pull him down to kiss his lips. “I love you, too, Cal. See you soon.”
Chapter 28
Before
Megan, my stepmom, is only ten years older than me. She’s obviously never been like a mom to me but more like a babysitter. I don’t dislike her, but we’ve never been close. I don’t even think my father is that close to her. He changed after my mom passed away. The fear of losing someone immediately replaced grief, winding through his thoughts like weeds strangling new growth. But instead of keeping her close like he does with me, he keeps his distance, and I think she resents me for it.
If she could only understand that I don’t want him to smother me like he does, maybe she wouldn’t appear overly needy to him, which seems to push him further away.
It’s not my job to facilitate their marriage, but if he could transfer his need to hold on to me, perhaps the weeds would loosen their grip, providing freedom for their relationship to flourish.
I’m planning to leave in one month, just after Christmas, so I have thirty days to bring them closer together, not for her, but for him.
And for me.
I love my dad. He makes me angry sometimes, but I don’t want to leave him while he feels so out of control that he tries harder to control everything around him. While I realize I can’t change him, I hope to give him an opportunity to relax, especially after he’s spent so long helping me with recovery.
“Megan, I was thinking, since I’m home now, why don’t you and Dad go out on a date or something? I’m completely fine here without help.”
Cleaning the granite counter in the kitchen, she questions my intentions. Small talk here and there is about the extent of our relationship, so I continue, “It’s just that, I know my dad has spent a lot of time with me lately, and I think you deserve to spend time together.”
“I don’t know, Sera. I’ve been spending more time with my family lately. I hate to tell you this, but I’m not sure how much longer I can handle this. I love your dad with all my heart, but he closes himself off to me. I’m sorry. I know you don’t need to hear this right now either. I just feel like you should know.”
“Please don’t do anything yet.” I don’t know how much I can trust her not to tell my dad what my plans are, but I wish so badly that I could open up to her, to tell her everything.
“Why, Sera? What’s going on? You can talk to me, you know. I know we’ve never exactly been close, but I do care about you, and I recognize your dad’s issues with keeping you close.”
Hesitating, I chew on my lip and wring my hands. It’s a huge gamble. If she tells him about my plan to leave, he will tighten his grip on me making it more difficult to follow through, but if she hears how I feel and knows what I want to do, maybe she could help me.
Hanging the wet rag on the hook inside the cabinet beneath the kitchen sink, she joins me at the breakfast table where I’ve been eating a sandwich.
“What is it?” she asks again.
“Well, I don’t know what all he’s told you, but it’s kind of a long story. Do you remember Cal?”
She met him once at the beginning of our relationship, before Dad’s reservations became obsessions and prevented us from openly dating.
“Of course. He’s a cute boy. Seems really nice.”
“Yeah, but Dad doesn’t think so. He didn’t want us to be together at all.”
“I know. I tried to express my opinion about the matter, but he refused to listen. You know your dad, so stubborn,” she says smiling. I guess she embraces all of his qualities, even the ones that frustrate the crap out of me.
“Anyway, I don’t know if I really needed to be transferred here after the accident. I hate living in a big city, and I miss my friends as well as Cal. Plus, Dad has made it near impossible to even connect with any of them. I’ve tried talking to him, but he cuts me off. Says he’s not gonna argue with me. Ugh. I’m just so sick of it,” I confide in her.
“Your father loves you very much.”
“I know, but don’t you agree that he’s a bit overprotective?”
Now she looks like the nervous one, afraid to confide in me, so I decide to risk it and tell her everything.
“I love Cal. I really do, and I believe we are supposed to be together. I’m not stupid, though. I mean, I get that we are young, that we haven’t been together that long, all of that stuff; but, when I was with him, I’m sure it was real, and I have to go find him. I’m leaving after Christmas, Megan, and please, do not tell Dad. I need a head start before he tries to circumvent the whole thing.”
Megan’s hesitant response worries me. “Maybe you should just talk to your dad, Sera. If you leave without telling him…Gosh, he will freak out.”
“No. I’ve already tried talking to him. I’m done with that. I was hoping maybe if I told you, that you could help me. Plus, I want y’all to have a chance, and I need to leave for that to work.”
Contemplating my argument, she finally nods her head, thinking it all through. “Ok, so what is your plan? Where will you stay when you get there? You know your Dad will find you and try to bring you home.”
“This is not my home. Cal is my home, and I don’t have everything figured out yet. Honestly, I don’t know exactly where he lives or what his number is, but it’s a small town, Megan. You know it won’t take too long. And it’s not just about Cal. I need this. I need to live on my own, to take care of myself.”
“I think you are perfectly capable of doing that, Sera. I really do. Let’s just think about this though so you will have a better shot at being successful.”
“That’s exactly why I want y’all to go on a date. You both need it, and hopefully he can shift his focus to you and only you.”
Smiling, she is clearly coming around, embracing my idea. “I would definitely like that. You are his daughter, and of course I respect that, but I miss what we had when we first married. I’m scared it’s too late, but I’ll try one more time. I love him too much to give up yet.”
“Yay,” I cheer, jumping up to hug her. While it’s a bit awkward, I believe it’s a great start to a closer relationship to my stepmom.
Now
Because of both of our schedules, we have been unable to see each other like we had planned, but talking on the phone has been a nightly event.
“Do you realize what today is, Sera?”
“Ummm, Wednesday?”
“Today is the anniversary of when we finally got to hang out for the first time.”
“At the park?”
“Yes, when we sat by the little lake at Sullivan Park. You were so beautiful sitting across from me. I’ll never forget it. I wanted to fucking take you right then and we hardly knew each other,” he says, chuckling.
“Oh my gosh. You are so crazy,” I say, laughing.
“I’m serious. Do you know how long I had been waiting to talk to you, to touch you?”
“How long?”
“I noticed you when we first started high school, but it wasn’t until we were seniors that I couldn’t keep my eyes off of you.”
“Why didn’t you talk to me sooner then?”
“Because, Sera. You know I was never in your league. I guess I just couldn’t stay away from you anyway. You’re kind of addicting you know.”
Giggling, I respond, “I remember seeing you in the cafeteria looking at me. Oh my God. It was so dang hot. I was like, holy crap, is he looking at me? Lots of girls thought you were sexy, but I definitely never would have thought you would even consider me.”
“Why? You’re fucking beautiful, Sera. I miss seeing your face. Your gorgeous eyes. I wish I could change what happened to us, but I would never change being with you.”
“Me either. I was so scared you would hate me when I finally found you.”
�
�I could never hate you, babe. If anything, you should hate me. It’s my fault that this all happened to us.”
“No. It wasn’t your fault. I mean, honestly, I don’t remember much about the accident, but my dad told me a truck hit us after running a red light.”
“Yeah, but I should have seen him coming. I’ll never forgive myself for not protecting you.”
“Babe, please don’t do that. If it wasn’t for you, I would never know what true love is. You are strong, probably the strongest person I know, and I trust you. Ok? You would never hurt me.”
“I don’t know about all of that, but I can promise you that I will do my best or die trying.”
Tears well up in my eyes. “Thank you, Cal. I love you so much. Now, let’s change the subject. No more of this serious talk.”
Chuckling, he says, “Ok. How about we talk about how much I want to kiss you right now. I need to touch you.”
“Mmmm. Come over, then.”
“Oh God, Sera. You know I would if I could. Tomorrow. Ok? I’ll get Ray to take me to see you tomorrow night, even if you work.”
“Well,” I say, drawing out the word, “it just so happens that I get off work at six tomorrow, so I’ll be home early. Could you meet me here at, like, seven? I want to have time to shower before you get here so I don’t smell like food.”
“In that case, I’m getting there at 6:15. Don’t start without me.”
“Oh my goodness. You are seriously making me hot over here.”
“Just wait, Sera. I’ll show you fucking hot.”
Chapter 29
Before
Christmas décor embellishes the world around me, affectation creating a semblance of happiness. But I’m sure I’m not alone in feeling a lack of complete joy, which is sad because I recognize my blessings. I have a home, a father who loves me, food. It’s strange how lonely and sad I feel despite that. I miss home. I miss my mom. I miss Cal.
Regardless, I go through the motions, playing life’s game like a marionette, my father’s hands manipulating the strings.