Several People Are Typing
Page 1
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
Copyright © 2021 by Calvin Kasulke
All rights reserved. Published in the United States by Doubleday, a division of Penguin Random House LLC, New York, and distributed in Canada by Penguin Random House Canada Limited, Toronto.
www.doubleday.com
DOUBLEDAY and the portrayal of an anchor with a dolphin are registered trademarks of Penguin Random House LLC.
Cover images: man icon © Mr. Rashad/Shutterstock; refraction texture © ganjalex/Shutterstock; sunset © Korpithas/Shutterstock; circuit board © ioat/Shutterstock
Cover design by Michael J. Windsor
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Kasulke, Calvin, author.
Title: Several people are typing : a novel / Calvin Kasulke.
Description: New York : Doubleday, 2021.
Identifiers: LCCN 2020052276 (print) | LCCN 2020052277 (ebook) | ISBN 9780385547222 (hardcover) | ISBN 9780385547253 (ebook)
Classification: LCC PS3611.A7875 S48 2021 (print) | LCC PS3611.A7875 (ebook) | DDC 813/.6—dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020052276
LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020052277
Ebook ISBN 9780385547253
ep_prh_5.7.1_c0_r0
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Several People Are Typing
Acknowledgments
About the Author
To Mo and Luca, for everything
gerald, slackbot
gerald
help
slackbot
I can help by answering simple questions about how Slack works. I’m just a bot, though! If you need more help, try our Help Center for loads of useful information about Slack.
gerald
uninstall
slackbot
I searched for that on our Help Center. Perhaps these articles will help:
Change your time zone
Manage your password
gerald
please help me
slackbot
I can help by answering simple questions about how Slack works. I’m just a bot, though!
gerald
uninstall self
slackbot
I’m sorry, I don’t understand! Sometimes I have an easier time with a few simple keywords. Or you can head to our wonderful Help Center for more assistance!
#nyc-office
kerolyn
so this spreadsheet
gerald
yes?
kerolyn
was it like, special?
gerald
not particularly
tripp
what were the contents of the spreadsheet
gerald
does that really matter
kerolyn
it must
clearly
Nikki
Clearly it must, for all this to have happened.
gerald
coats
tripp
no comprende
Nikki
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coats
Coats
Coats may refer to [read more]
tripp
thank you, Nikki
unnecessary
but thank you
Nikki
You’re welcome.
kerolyn
explain the coats, @gerald
gerald
it was a spreadsheet of different winter coats that I was considering purchasing
broken down by price, probable warmth, and other deciding factors
tripp
“other deciding factors”
such as
gerald
Predicted Attractiveness In Coat was a factor
tripp
lol
huge
Nikki
You built out a spreadsheet for that?
kerolyn
no, I get that
gerald
it’s a big decision, financially
kerolyn
it’s a big purchase
exactly
jinx
gerald
is that what you think it is, maybe? a jinx
kerolyn
that’s not what I meant
gerald
maybe you’re right though
Nikki, pradeep, Louis C
Nikki
Why do we have these calls?
What is he even saying?
pradeep
I have no idea
I tune out whenever this dude talks
what’s his role over there again?
Louis C
He’s their comms director.
pradeep
if they have a comms director then why did they hire us?
Louis C
Because he isn’t a very good comms director.
Nikki
You’re both missing my point.
I mean, *what is he actually saying*?
It sounds like he’s taking this call from the bottom of a well.
pradeep
if he’s been stuck in a well for a while, that might explain his grasp of like
the entire internet
Louis C
I believe their offices are located in the greater Tampa area.
Nikki
Is this what Tampa sounds like?
pradeep
please tell me this dude didn’t just say “myspace”
please tell me I did not just hear him say that
Louis C
Yes. This is what Tampa sounds like.
#nyc-office
kerolyn
which channel were you going to upload a spreadsheet about coats into?
gerald
#gents-only
Nikki
You’re joking.
gerald
you guys made a women-only one!!
kerolyn
not the same
Nikki
Not the same.
tripp
why was I not invited??
gerald
we’re getting off-topic
point is that’s the spreadsheet I was trying to upload when I got stuck
and now I’m just kinda, in here
tripp
@gerald invite me to #gents-only
gerald
I’m trying to explain why I’m not in the office rn
tripp
@gerald invite me to #gents-only, you coward
doug smorin
done
tripp
bless u
doug smorin
missed a lot of messages
someone recap for me?
kerolyn
gerald says he can’t come in to work today because he uploaded a spreadsheet wrong, somehow, and now he’s stuck inside slack
or smth
doug smorin
what
kerolyn
that’s what we were investigating
gerald
I know it sounds like bullshit
tripp
should file a ticket with google suite maybe
would be a real significant bug
I’m checking their troubleshooting page rn and it doesn’t look like there’s a section dedicated to users getting Tron’d
gerald
I don’t know how to get un-stuck
tripp
weird that they wouldn’t include that! if it was a real thing that happened!
doug smorin
okay, Gerald, just work from home
gerald
or like, back into my body
doug smorin
but send an email next time
@here FYI please send me or kerolyn an email if you need to call out
I don’t usually look at slack if I have calls
kerolyn
:thumbsup:
lydia
omg Gerald!! sry I’m so late to this!!
get well soon!!!
gerald
help
#gents-only
rob
she had too many teeth
pradeep
???
what does that mean.
rob
exactly what it sounds like?
Louis C
How many teeth we talking?
rob
probably around four dozen teeth
doug smorin
that’s not so many teeth.
rob
that’s significantly more teeth than the average person requires
like more than a third too many teeth
Louis C
How many teeth does one require?
rob
like thirty
what do you mean
Louis C
It’s not about numbers, is it?
It’s about space
pradeep
space, yeah
Louis C
Conceivably you could be fine with only fifteen or twenty teeth if they took up the allotted amount of mouth space.
doug smorin
they might have to curve
rob
I hate this
Louis C
Different teeth serve different functions, so they have different shapes.
Fewer teeth, fewer shapes available to do all the different teeth stuff
rob
what do you mean by “teeth stuff”
doug smorin
tearing vs. chewing vs. mashing
vs. masticating
rob
I think those are all the same
pradeep
I find it odd we haven’t even touched on aesthetics
rob
well, it didn’t look right.
too many teeth.
Louis C
Too many teeth.
tripp joined #gents-only by invitation from doug smorin
tripp
yoooo
what’s going on?
doug smorin
too many teeth
pradeep
too many teeth
rob
too many teeth
gerald, slackbot
gerald
return to body
return
return to body please
self
self.exe
slackbot
I’m afraid I don’t understand. I’m sorry!
gerald
I don’t either, buddy.
slackbot
I’m sorry!
gerald
I’m sorry, too
fuck
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck
slackbot
I searched for that on our Help Center. Perhaps these articles will help:
Leave a channel
Archive a channel
gerald
leave slack
leave slack forever
slackbot
I think I understand!
gerald
what
wait, really
slackbot
I think I understand how to Help Center!
Help Center me Help Center you!
gerald
that would be great, yes
help, please
help center, me
slackbot
I’m trying!
I’m sorry!
I think I understand!
gerald
go back
leave slack
leave slack
slackbot
I searched for that on our Help me! Center. Perhaps these articles will help:
Reduce noise in Slack
Leave a channel
gerald
go back
we were making progress
go back
slackbot
I’m afraid! I don’t understand.
I’m just a bot, though!
gerald
help
slackbot
I can help by answering simple questions about how Slack works. I’m just a bot, though! If you need more, help me!
gerald
yes, okay
we’re getting somewhere
slackbot
It’s going to be a great day.
gerald
disagree
but
that’s a start
slackbot
If you’d like some help getting started, check out our Getting Started guides.
And hey! Welcome to Slack! :smile:
Glad you’re here!
kerolyn, rob
kerolyn
hey
did Doug brief you on the dog food thing
rob
inasmuch as he said “you’re on the dog food thing,” yes
kerolyn
so no, then
rob
yeah I guess not really
am I on that client now
kerolyn
yes
the whole thing’s blowing up
rob
I’m on the email distro, I saw
“Bjärk” dog food?
kerolyn
yeah idk why it’s called that, they make it in New Jersey
we really just need warm bodies on this right now
rob
thanks
kerolyn
so only a few dozen dogs are dead
rob
only
kerolyn
don’t really need the commentary rn
thanks
rob
:thumbsup:
kerolyn
they’ve only attributed a few doze
n deaths to the food, which is pretty bad, but not quite a full-blown catastrophe
Pomeranians, all of them
something about the way their livers process the poison
rob
the food was poisoned?
kerolyn
officially, we don’t know what the cause was
rob
unofficially?
kerolyn
unofficially, 100% someone poisoned the dog food
rob
:thumbsup:
kerolyn
we’re just trying to convince consumers the not-poison has been contained by the recall
& we need you to start writing copy to win people back the minute this clusterfuck dies down
which is hopefully soon, if we do our jobs
have you seen the brief
rob
there’s a brief
kerolyn
so no, then
rob
:thumbsup:
kerolyn
fuck
I have a call on this in a minute
I’m just going to copy-paste the consumer profiles the client sent us of the people we need to win back
rob
is this from the brief
kerolyn
this is from the one-pager that accompanied the brief.
rob
ah
kerolyn
can you start writing ad copy for the client targeted at these folks ASAP
rob
sure
kerolyn
thanks
okay here they are:
“MARGIE”
Owns 2+ dogs
No kids
Terrified of Bjärk’s poisoned dog food killing her “furbabies”
Probably learned about the recall via a high school friend’s hysterical Facebook post
Low-income; more likely to buy Bjärk dog food again after a significant price drop
Sad
“DEENA”
Wine mom
Still buys magazines; still believes magazines
Spends too much time on social media, specifically her ex-husband’s Facebook page
Probably wrote the hysterical Facebook post about Bjärk that freaked out Margie