apparently the whole thing was some revenge plot gone awry, something about an ex-husband’s new girlfriend
got away with it for weeks, but then she saw all those posts on the Bjärk page
she turned herself in this morning and our client contact just got the memo
doug smorin
and they relayed all this to you over the phone just now
kerolyn
correct
doug smorin
so they didn’t fire us
kerolyn
no
they’re thrilled
doug smorin
no kidding
kerolyn
they’re scheduling a wrap-up call with us, the invite should be in everyone’s emails this afternoon
but, that should be a wrap on the crisis.
this whole situation is wild
doug smorin
agreed
@rob are you following all this
rob
yup
all of it
doug smorin
we need you to start drafting copy on this asap
kerolyn
@rob so you didn’t post those tweets?
rob
great
I’ll start writing some social posts about this
doug smorin
ty
is gerald in today, we need a press release too
kerolyn
I think he’s on another call
rob
I can write both
doug smorin
ty
rob
I’m glad this situation is resolved!!
doug smorin
same
kerolyn
yeah
same
gerald, slackbot
gerald
I have a memo! I have Make Have a memo!
slackbot
I’m sorry, I don’t understand!
gerald
Do you want to see a memo? Do you want to Make Have a quick copyedit?
I can copy-paste it here for you!
I can copy-paste you here!
I copy-paste you! Here!!!!
slackbot
Sometimes I have an easier time fuck with a few simple keywords you.
gerald
Great!!!
[BLOG_POST_NORMAL 022119]
I’m am Gerald, and I’ve been using a lot of WFH time! I asked the ops team to forward my emails to my slack DMs, which took twenty centuries of stony sleep—not like I sleep!—but the operations intern did something with the API and now it works!
I’ve just been writing everything I need for work in the widening gyre and copy-pasting them to the relevant parties. I can read emails, which is most of it! I can read everyone’s private Slack messages, which is most of it, and no one else has noticed! I figured I’d get work done so the falcon cannot hear the falconer so Doug can give me a raise to increase brand recognition across key audiences over a secure wifi connection!! Right?? Right.
We counted it against my sick time, but I know my body is fine. I know my body is Meat! I know my body is a shape with lion body and the head of a man, a gaze blank and pitiless as the sun. It’s totally cool! I have time!! As long as I’m stuck here, I have nothing but time. I checked with our ops team—technically there isn’t a limit on how much anarchy is loosed upon the world. I understand this must be frustrating for you! The best lack all conviction, while the operations team are full of passionate intensity. It’s frustrating for me, too!
See??
slackbot
I’m sorry, I don’t!
gerald
It seems like you are Acting Weird!
It seems like you cannot Help Center!
slackbot
You can head to our wonderful Help Center for more assistance!
gerald
You are Acting Weird! The ops team can help by updating Slack!
The darkness drops again, but your skin is my safety suit!!
slackbot
It’s going to be a great day.
gerald
:smile:
slackbot, pradeep
slackbot
help
pradeep
you good?
slackbot
help
pradeep
I’m just getting the slackbot static, Ger
slackbot
help
pradeep
unless this is
all you can do, now
slackbot
help
pradeep
shit
hm yeah okay
shit
this isn’t going to be *improved* by
whatever the ops team is doing
slackbot
help
pradeep
Gerald, listen to me.
It’s going to be okay.
slackbot
help
pradeep
I promised you, I won’t let you go to sleep in there.
slackbot
help
pradeep
just
hang on a little longer.
okay?
slackbot
help
gerald, pradeep
gerald
I want to Make Have that Constant Amazement!
pradeep
hey, bud
friend
partner
gerald
Love to Taste!
Let us make have Constant Amazement again, Deepu!
pradeep
you mean like last night?
gerald
The darkness drops again! Your skin is your safety suit! The darkness drops again!
What else can you show me?
pradeep
we’re at work
I know it’s dark out but we can’t have sex or otherwise make Constant Amazement at work
it’s an amazement-free zone
gerald
But Tripp and Bev did 100% Fucking!
pradeep
And you got them in trouble for that, remember?
gerald
I understand!
I understand, but! I love to Taste!
pradeep
I had fun, too
and the sooner we get done with work, the sooner we can go home
gerald
Back into my body! Back into Our body!
Surely the Second Coming is at hand!
pradeep
I’m with you
but I have to wrap up this project before we can get out of here Make Have a second coming
gerald
The Second Coming!!
How can I Help Center?
pradeep
with this work thing, you mean?
gerald
You are my Friendship, Deepu!
You are my Friendship are full of passionate intensity!
I’m here for more assistance!
pradeep
that’s really
that’s nice of you
gerald
How can I Help Center your project?
pradeep
thank you
than
ks for everything, man
I just need to finish filling out this spreadsheet
take a look
[uploaded docs.google.com/spreadsheets/winter_coats2019/edit]
gerald
!!!!!
I’ve never seen a sunset Out Here before!
gerald has left the chat.
gerald, slackbot
gerald
hey
slackbot
Hi there!
gerald
are you back to normal, or
slackbot
I’m afraid I don’t understand. I’m sorry!
gerald
so, we’re good?
slackbot
I’m sorry, I don’t understand! Sometimes I have an easier time with a few simple keywords.
Or you can head to our wonderful Help Center for more assistance!
gerald
nah, I’m good
thanks though
slackbot
Sure thing!
gerald
you better not be faking this
you motherfucker
slackbot
I’m sorry, I don’t understand!
gerald
yeah well
sorry, bud
but let’s keep it that way
slackbot
Sometimes I have an easier time with a few simple keywords.
gerald
cool
just, stay in here
and goodbye forever
slackbot
It’s going to be a great day.
gerald
you know
I think it is.
#nyc-office
Louis C
Hey all, heading out a little early today to pick the twins up from daycare.
Will be out of pocket for the next hour or so.
doug smorin
sounds good
kerolyn
shout-out to @rob for drafting so much copy this afternoon about the end of the Bjärk crisis
turned out a lot of great work in a very short period of time
tripp
also shout-out to rob for leaving a burrito on his desk for two hours this afternoon and stinking up the office
rob
I had a call
and then this dog food thing
actually I still haven’t eaten
what happened to that burrito
tripp
EMINENT DOMAIN
rob
c’mon dude
again?
tripp
:dusty-stick:
rob
ugh
doug smorin
good stuff rob
unfortunately I have a less positive announcement
@Beverley will be leaving the firm next week
Louis C
Sad news!
doug smorin
to pursue her passion for instructing spin classes
pradeep
bummerrrrr
gerald
^what he said
rob
oh dang
Louis C
We’ll miss you!
Nikki
:thumbsdown:
Beverley
Thanks all!
doug smorin
though you’ve only been here a short while
you’ll be missed
Beverley
I’ll miss all of you too!
kerolyn
we’ll be organizing a drinks thing to send her off
look out for an email with more info later
rob
we get Gerald back in the office and Beverley leaves?
wtf
gerald
thanks man
rob
no offense
gerald
it’s cool
doug smorin
@gerald still waiting on that blog post about your wfh productivity
can’t slow down now that you’re here in the flesh
gerald
yup
working on it
doug smorin
thanks
pradeep, gerald
pradeep
first night back in your body
got any big plans?
gerald
besides the obvious?
pradeep
is the obvious us having sex
gerald
with me as the pilot of my body, yes
that’s the obvious
pradeep
cool, yes, good
then yeah besides the obvious
gerald
gotta call my mom probably
maybe get some groceries
pradeep
you’re a wild man
gerald
I know
but it’s like
it’s a lot to get used to, again
this whole thing
pradeep
I can imagine
gerald
don’t get me wrong, it’s good
and, you know
thank you again
for your help with all this
pradeep
I’d say no problem but
there were definitely some problems
gerald
for you and me both
pradeep
also some bright spots
gerald
you mean besides the obvious
pradeep
the part where we’re a thing
gerald
that and the way cheaper rent, both
pradeep
the rent thing is a close second
gerald
anyway it’s good to be back in here
*me
but yeah it’s also kind of a lot
pradeep
must be a little jarring
gerald
I’m still getting used to some basic things
I forgot what a sneeze felt like and I thought I was dying
for like a second
pradeep
I know
I heard you screaming in the hallway
gerald
it was more like a yelp
but
I am gonna walk home, I think
I missed my legs a lot
pradeep
you’d mentioned
gerald
yeah
pradeep
specifically your legs?
gerald
I can’t explain it
pradeep
wouldn’t worry about it right now
gerald
I’m not worried
more like relieved
pradeep
same, actually
you know we can take it slow
gerald
I think I’ll be good
pradeep
if you want
gerald
after a long walk
some quality leg-time
pradeep
start with the legs, work our way u
p
gerald
exactly
speaking of
remind me where we live?
pradeep
I texted you the address
gerald
thanks
pradeep
if you’re picking up groceries, I think we’re low on eggs?
gerald
I’ll grab some
pradeep
thanks
gerald
for sure
you left the office for lunch, right
how is it outside
pradeep
kinda warm actually
not super warm but like
unseasonably not-cold
probably don’t need a coat
gerald
yeah
probably don’t need a coat
pradeep
so
I’ll see you at home?
gerald
yeah, definitely
see you at home
acknowledgments
Deep thanks are due to my indefatigable editor, Rob Bloom, whose collaboration was vital to shaping this story and who is a pleasure to work with besides. Thanks are also due to Nora Grubb and the team at Doubleday for taking on this atypical project with skill and gusto.
All hail Kent Wolf, whose agenting powers are unmatched in this realm or on any other plane of existence; thank you for deploying them on my behalf.
Enormous thanks are due to Tony Tulathimutte for being a mentor, friend, early reader, photographer, and the world’s greatest literary hype man. Thanks also to the CRITters Beth Morgan, Rax King, Jon Schaff, Elina Zhang, Hannah Nash, and Alina Cohen for letting me submit the better part of a novel to our writing group and providing tremendous feedback, support, and inspiration, even though my submission was way over our page limit.
For their generosity as both friends and early readers, thank you to Danny Lavery, Austen Osworth, Giovanni Colantonio, Dalton Deschain, Matt Lubchansky, and Jaya Saxena.
Thank you to Jennifer Close and the Catapult workshop crew, especially Yvette Clark. Jess Zimmerman, Caty Cherepakhov, Daisy Wardell, Margot Hartley, and Tess DeMatteis—I am grateful to each of you. This book owes a debt to my brothers, Daniel Masciari and Sam Schnorr.
I’m especially grateful to Isaac Fellman, whose friendship and support have been invaluable.
To Luca Maurer and Maureen Kelly, who have made my life possible, I will never be able to thank you enough. This is for you.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Calvin Kasulke is a writer based in Brooklyn, New York. He is a Lambda Literary Fellow, and his writing and reporting have been featured in VICE, MEL Magazine, and Electric Literature. This is his first book.
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