by Mia Archer
“Great,” I said. “Any idea how many bits of nuclear material we’re talking about here?
“One moment, please,” CORVAC said.
I glanced around. Everyone else seemed intent on the glowing green orb and what he was about to tell them, but I was more interested in what was going on in the rest of the city. It was a big city, after all, and there was a lot of stuff going on out there even if the whole threat of nuclear annihilation was the biggest problem right now.
And that’s when I saw what was bearing down on us.
“Um, Natalie?”
“Hold on a second,” she said, waving an irritated hand like she always did when she thought I was interrupting her in the middle of something important. “We’re getting a map of these things. Turns out the shitty teleport job means there’s radiation leaking out of the things.”
“That doesn’t sound good,” Nancy said.
“Normally I’d be inclined to agree with you,” Natalie said. “But in this case it’s a good thing considering otherwise we wouldn’t be able to find the nukes before they went boom.”
“Natalie…” I said, hoping something about my tone would communicate how serious things were getting here.
“Not right now,” she said, glancing at her wrist computer.
“There is still a very distinct possibility that we will be unable to discover all the nuclear signatures in time,” CORVAC said. “There could be nuclear bombs out there ready to go off that are not degrading to the point that we can discover them.”
“Natalie, I know you’re doing your whole saving the world while acting like you’re trying to edge out your villainous competition thing right now, but I’m serious when I say you should really have a look at this!”
“What?” Natalie growled. “What could possibly be more important than me trying to take out my villanous competition?”
I pointed towards the massive alien ship that had been slowly and silently making its way towards us. The alien ship that was now bristling with all sorts of nasty weapons pointed in our direction. Weapons that didn’t bother me all that much, but weapons they probably should’ve bothered Natalie a whole lot considering her friends were going to be in deep shit when those things started to go off.
“Oh,” Natalie said. “Well fuck.”
22
Friends in Odd Places
“You don’t seem nearly as worried about this as I figured you’d be, all things considered,” I said.
“Yeah, well honestly I’ve been blowing up enough of these alien motherfuckers lately that they don’t hold that much terror for me these days.”
“What about your friends?” I asked.
“Eh, I can teleport them out of here before things get bad,” she said.
“Are you sure about that?” Nancy asked, glancing nervously at all the weapons arrayed against us. “Because it looks like they mean business.”
“Don’t you worry your pretty little head,” Natalie said, earning a sharp glance from me. Her pretty little head? What the hell was that supposed to mean? “Besides, I could destroy them before they got anything off that could make it through my shielding unit.”
“So why aren’t you doing that?” Technomancer asked, suddenly seeming a little less detached than she’d been as she stared at the alien death rays threatening to end her existence.
“Simple,” Natalie said. “It occurs to me that we have a ringer in our midst.”
“What are you talking about?” I asked. “If the nice aliens are threatening to destroy you then maybe you should take care of them.”
“Yeah, but you’re at the head of their military,” Natalie said. “So why don’t you try having a chat with them before we go with the fighting option?”
“I’m at the head of their military? What are you on about?”
“Simple,” Natalie said. “You came here at the head of an invading alien army. Well, you were the co-head of an invading alien army. The other head of that invading alien army is currently being held in a custom containment facility on the edge of the solar system, so the way I figure it that means you just got promoted to supreme alien overlord back here on earth.”
“Huh,” I said, floating up in front of the alien ship and getting hit with flashes of memories from an alien world I would’ve rather forgotten, all things considered.
“Um, excuse me?” I asked.
There was no response from the alien ship. At least there wasn’t the immediate response I was hoping for. They didn’t power down their weapons or anything.
A glow did appear at the front eventually, though. It was a very Independence Day sort of moment, and I tried not to think about what’d happened to the poor helicopter pilots in that movie shortly after a glow appeared on the invading alien ship.
Mostly because I didn’t figure I was in that much trouble if they did start firing on me. Also because there was still a part of me wondering how the hell I seemed to know so much about a movie like Independence Day which isn’t something I would’ve been remotely interested in before I had that weird mind meld thing with Sabine and the worm in my head.
Even using a term like mind meld was something new. Like before that mind meld happened I would’ve had no idea that it was something Leonard Nimoy came up with pretty much on the fly, or that it’d gone from standing at a distance screaming “PAIN!” at a rubber monster to the more subdued face touching seen in the movies and The Next Generation.
Something floated out from that bright light and distracted me from my thoughts about the finer points of geek culture that I’d never been interested in before that worm mind meld. The floating something resolved out of the bright glow to a man on a platform. He looked a little odd with that blue skin and a white bristling moustache. He reached me and held out a little device.
I braced myself. Not because I thought he could hurt me so much as because I worried he might try to hurt me which meant this whole thing was about to go pear shaped because I’d have to hurt him when he did that.
The thing glowed for a moment, his moustache bristled again, and then he looked up at me and smiled.
“Well you certainly look the part,” he said. “But of course that hasn’t meant anything with all the other copies who’ve come our way, so what can you say to me that would make me think you’re the real deal and not another impostor this world has thrown at us?”
I smiled. I remembered this guy. I’d liked him back when I thought I was saving their world, and nothing had changed on that score even though he’d since proved himself to be a member of a rapacious alien warrior species hellbent on conquering anything and everything they could find.
Hey, he might be a son-of-a-bitch, but he was my son-of-a-bitch. Well, he’d been my son-of-a-bitch when I was still doing the whole alien invasion thing. And it sounded like he still thought he worked for me even though a hell of a lot had happened between now and the last time we met.
“Korval,” I said. “Your name, is Korval.”
Okay, so I was totally ripping off the ending of The Search for Spock, an underrated entry in the middle trilogy of the original series Star Trek movies, but whatever. It’s not like this alien would have any way of knowing that I was totally ripping off a classic Shatner line from a less than classic Star Trek movie.
His smile broadened. “You’re off to a good start.”
“I saved your ass while you were using one of your military toys to record a bunch of your people playing some sport against each other,” I said. “We went on to conquer your world together, though things have changed just a little since then.”
“How have they changed, conqueror?” he asked, cocking his head to the side.
I racked my brain to try and think of a way to phrase this that wouldn’t result in the aliens trying to kill me, Natalie, and my new friends. Ultimately I figured honesty was the best policy. After all, these aliens had been taken over by those worms, and they seemed to hate those fuckers.
“It turns out Sa
bine was a member of a collective of one,” I said.
Korval hissed. He looked around as though he was expecting another worm attack to come, but of course there was no worry of that. Mind control worms on earth? What a ridiculous thought.
“She tried to make me a collective of two, and for a little while she succeeded. She gloated about how she’d managed to take over your entire world without creating a hive mind, and she was using you to conquer this world,” I continued.
Korval pulled a sidearm up and pointed it at me. I looked at the thing and then rolled my eyes.
“Come on Korval,” I said. “What in our time together makes you think something like that is going to come even remotely close to harming me?”
The gun wavered in his hand. Then he sighed and lowered the thing.
“You’re right,” he said. “So is this where I die? Or are we to be enslaved again?”
“Actually I managed to get over my little worm problem with a little help from a friend,” I said, glancing over my shoulder to Natalie.
Natalie took that as an opportunity to float up and join the conversation. She nodded at Korval.
“I’m Night Terror,” she said. “The greatest villain this world has ever known. Nice to meet you.”
“With all the trouble you and your friends have been giving us I don’t doubt that you deserve the title of the greatest villain this world has ever known,” Korval said. “Though honestly you seem more like a hero with all the efforts you’ve made to fight us. At least if my understanding of how your culture defines these things is anything to go by.”
“Yeah, well, I have a lot of people say that sort of thing about me,” she said. “But don’t get me wrong. I totally plan on taking over this world and doing it over the dead bodies of anyone who dares to defy me.”
“Something I will endeavor to keep in mind,” Korval said. “Regardless of whether or not we are foes now or in the future, I owe you a debt of gratitude for defeating the worm infesting the mind of the conqueror.”
Natalie looked at me and pursed her lips. I could tell she didn’t like the idea of me being the conqueror in this situation, but that was tough.
Besides, if we really were on the mend then I planned on doing some conquering of my own whenever we could get done with all this pesky nuke hunting stuff.
“Right, so are you guys going to help us?” Natalie asked.
“We will render any assistance the conqueror desires of us,” Korval said, but there was a gleam in his eye. “Would it be too much to hope that the assistance you require is joining you in the conquest of this world?”
“Not quite yet Korval,” I said. “Right now we’ve got an immediate survival problem.”
Korval was immediately all business. “What is the problem?”
“It turns out Uncle Sam has been planting nukes all over the city, and they’re on a countdown that’s going to give the military enough time to get clear of the fallout before they turn us into radioactive dust,” Natalie said.
Korval frowned. “Uncle Sam? Is this a relation of yours who is trying to conquer your world as well?”
“It’s a name we give the local government,” I said. “Sort of a personification, or a mascot.”
“Ah,” Korval said. “So you need our assistance in taking care of these nuclear weapons? I must admit I’m a touch surprised to discover a species still using the things.”
“Oh?” Natalie asked.
“Well yes,” he said. “Usually species go down two paths when they discover the things. They either realize how terrible they are and never use them again, or they destroy themselves shortly after creating the things.”
“We’ve had’em for half a century and we’ve resisted the urge to turn each other into radioactive slag, thank you very much,” Natalie said.
Korval hit her with an all too knowing look. “So far. I’d say the fact that you’re seeking assistance in getting rid of some of those weapons would be a good indicator that maybe you aren’t as invulnerable to their use as you’d like to believe.”
“Again, whatever,” Natalie said. “Are you going to help us or not?”
“As I said before, we are willing to help if the conqueror wishes it,” he said.
“You don’t mind that I’m sort of under new management?” I asked. “I’m not the same woman who came here under the control of those damned worms, and Sabine is out of the picture.”
“Would you stop it with the whole new management thing?” Natalie hissed low enough that I could hear it, but no one else would probably pick up on it. “We have a good thing going here, and you don’t want to start giving them ideas about being independent.”
“You need not worry,” Korval said. “We follow you. Even more so than when you were under the influence of those damned dirty worms.”
“See?” I said. “Aren’t things much easier when you’re nice and honest with people?”
“It’s easy to be nice when you’re at the head of an invading alien army,” Natalie muttered.
“Hush,” I said. “If you play your cards right then you might find yourself helping me at the head of that invading alien army.”
“Seriously?” she asked, looking genuinely excited about the idea.
“It would be nice to finally have an excuse to break free from the bonds you are keeping us under here in this city,” Korval said. “It’s all well and good fighting with the local super powered population and your clones, but I long to test our mettle against the militaries of this world. If the entertainments we’ve seen since coming here are anything to go on then it will be a formidable fight that’s nothing like the children’s toys that have been arrayed against us so far. It’s a pity that we invaded in a region with one of the least powerful militaries on you world.”
Natalie floated over to me. “What the hell is he talking about? I’m not a fan of the military types, but there’s no doubt they were the baddest motherfuckers on the planet in a non-super powered fight.”
“Yeah, what the hell are you talking about?” I asked.
“I’m speaking of the entertainments that show the exploits of this world’s greatest heroes!” he said. “The great and dashing Kirk who shoots as his diplomatic opener. The wise Picard who is more measured. And who could forget the fighting spirit of the great Adama? We are lucky he is preoccupied with his own fight and unable to bring his ship to bear on us”
I recognized two thirds of those names thanks to the worm mind meld that’d left my head all screwy. From the way Natalie was laughing she knew who the third one was as well.
“Do you want to tell them, or should I?” I asked.
“Let’s worry about that later,” Natalie said. “Take care of the nukes first, then we can tell them all about the curb stomp they can look forward to if they actually start trying to take over the world.”
“Got it,” I said. “If you’d be so kind as to give Korval the coordinates for those nukes I believe we can get started.”
“And not a moment too soon,” Natalie said. “We’re really talking entirely too much for being in a city under threat of nuclear annihilation.”
“Easy to do when you know you’re not going to get killed by that nuclear annihilation,” Nancy muttered, but I chose to ignore her. Right now there was important work to do.
23
Clone Wars
“We’ve got another one coming in,” Natalie said over the commlink she’d shoved in my ear before she disappeared. I could hear everything going on between her and my invading alien army.
It was still a little weird to think of them as my army, but that’s what they became the moment Sabine was taken out. Though I did worry about what she might be up to, for all that Natalie seemed to think she was safe at the edge of the solar system where she couldn’t cause any trouble.
An alien ship floated in with one of the nuke suitcases held in a net under the thing. That was good, but that didn’t stop Natalie from letting out a few choice curses.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“The timing,” she said.
“What do you mean?” I asked. “I think we’re making pretty good progress all things considered.”
“Yeah, but… What the ever loving fuck? I don’t have time for this right now!”
Okay, whatever the fuck had interrupted whatever was going on over on the other side of the line couldn’t be anything good. I ignored the pile of ticking nukes lying in the middle of Starlight City Arena, newly renovated with an open roof thanks to Natalie’s efforts, and shot into the sky where I could get a better look at what was going on.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“What’s wrong is we’re under attack from a bunch of your clones, and this is the last fucking moment I need something like that!” Natalie yelled into the commlink.
I winced. She was speaking loud enough that it could’ve caused some hearing damage if I could get hearing damage.
Sure enough when I got a good look at the city I saw swarms of women wearing bright green clothes they’d no doubt scavenged from various parts of the city, and they were all rising up and attacking the alien ships.
I sighed. Tried to think about what would happen if I suddenly found myself back in the city with an old set of memories and the sure knowledge that the place was under attack by invading aliens and Night Terror.
Depending on how old those memories were I’d be doing my best to either kiss her or stop her from finishing whatever nefarious plan she was no doubt working on. Though most of the clone memories seemed to predate my relationship with Night Terror which was its own can of worms I intended to open when this was all done.
That old me would definitely be trying to stop the aliens and villains trying to take over the place.
“Guess it’s time to get in the middle of this,” I said.
“So nice of you to finally join us,” Natalie said.
“Hey, someone invulnerable had to be on standby with the nukes in case one of’em started to go early and I needed to pull an emergency Quest For Peace,” I said.