by Renee Miller
Sighing she brought Hayley and Amy their cereal.
“Did you do your letters yet?” Dana asked. Although she was only in Kindergarten, Amy struggled far behind the rest of her peers. The teacher said she didn’t retain the sounds or letters the other kids her age already knew.
“I don’t want to. It’s dumb.” Amy scooped a spoonful of puffs into her mouth.
“You have to learn how to read.”
“Daddy can’t read.”
Dana turned. “Yes, he can. It’s just hard for him.” Amy ran a chubby finger around a nick in the side of her cereal bowl—a nick she put there to mark it as hers. “He tries very hard every day, and so should you.”
“Why? I’m going to get married and have babies and I won’t have to work. Grandpa said so.”
“Grandpa was probably joking; you need to learn how to read.”
“He says retards don’t have to read. They just breed.”
Dana’s mouth opened, but she didn’t know what to say. She stared at Amy’s head, turned away from her. Warren wouldn’t say that, would he? As her headache surged once more, she closed her eyes. Of course, he would say it; she’d heard him before say similar things to Ronny.
“What’s a breed?” Devon was awake and stared at her, face scrunched.
“Nothing. Amy probably got the word wrong.” Dana turned to the counter, and poured milk on Devon’s cereal.
“Breed means making babies. You make babies by putting the man’s willy in the girl’s—”
“Amy!” Dana scolded.
Amy sighed. “Whatever. It’s what retards are good at. They can’t do nothing else.”
“Enough of that,” she said. “You are not retarded, neither is your father. I don’t know why Grandpa says things like that, but it’s not true.”
Amy opened her mouth to say more but Ronny’s voice interrupted her.
“What does Grandpa say?”
“Nothing. Just teasing Amy. You want coffee?” Dana smiled.
Ronny scratched his head and rubbed the stubble on his chin. With his hair standing on end, he reminded her of a small boy. At times like this, she knew she’d made the right decision. Ronny was essentially a good man. Though he sometimes made bad choices, he loved them.
“A big one.” He grinned and sat next to Hayley. “Give me some of those puffs.”
“Get your own,” she replied with a giggle.
“I’m as hungry as a bear. I could gobble you right up.” Ronny pretended to chew on her arm, causing Hayley to slide off her chair, nightie around her waist, and dissolve into squeals and laughter.
“So, are we telling them?” Ronny asked and lifted Hayley back onto her chair.
Next to Devon, Dana shot him a warning look. Ronny wasn’t one for subtlety. “We discussed this last night.”
“We did?”
“Ronny…” She hated when he did this to her. They agreed to things and he always went around her in the end.
“What is it? Is it a present?” Hayley asked.
Ronny grinned. “Sort of. Can we tell them?”
She wanted to be mad at him. They had agreed to wait but his face mirrored Hayley’s excitement. “Fine.”
“Mommy and I have a surprise for you guys.”
“It better have wheels like a dump truck,” Devon mumbled through a mouthful of cereal.
Dana sighed. “Devon, for the last time, it will never be a dump truck.”
“Gotta try.” He shrugged and shoveled more cereal into his mouth.
“Does it bark?” Amy clapped and sat straighter in her chair, her breakfast forgotten.
“I hope not. It might.”
“Ronny! Just tell them.” Dana took Hayley’s empty bowl, stood and walked around the table to take Amy’s.
“Yeah, tell us,” Hayley said and climbed onto his lap.
“Okay, well it’s not a surprise that you can see right away, you’ll have to wait a few months for that.”
“What kind of surprise waits for a few months?” Amy’s expression shifted slowly from confusion to indignant outrage in seconds. “You guys were breeding weren’t you!”
“What?” Ronny turned to Dana.
“We’re going to have a baby,” Dana said.
Devon stood, grabbed his empty bowl and carried it to the sink. “If it’s a girl, I’m moving out. I’m sick of girls.”
“It might be a boy, but we can’t promise. You’ll love a sister just the same,” Ronny said.
“I can’t love anymore girls. Enough is enough.” Devon stomped out of the kitchen and up to his room.
Dana looked at Hayley, who sat with a frozen smile on her chubby face. “What’s wrong?”
“I just want to say that I love babies. I cannot wait to change his diaper and feed him and rock him to sleep. I’ll be the best helper.” Her voice was higher than usual.
“Kids can’t look after babies, stupid,” Amy told her.
Ronny sighed. “Amy, what did we tell you about that word?”
“It is not a swear. I asked Granny.”
“It’s a swear in my house,” Dana countered. “Use it again and I’ll wash your mouth out.”
Amy grumbled and slid out of her chair to follow Devon’s path through the living room. Dana watched her go, a sense of foreboding turning in her stomach.
CHAPTER 25
July, 1983
Contractions jolted Dana out of a sound sleep. Hefting her rounded body over the edge of the bed, she waddled down the hall to the stairs. She’d wake Ronny when she was sure. Danny said he’d watch the kids. No matter what stupid thing she did, he always showed up. Only he and Jannie seemed to love her without conditions. The rest of her family treated her like someone to be pitied. While he hadn’t hit her since the night she told him she was pregnant, Ronny’s anger seemed to burn hotter every day. Once, in a weak moment, she called her mom to talk about her fears.
“This is getting old,” her mother had said.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, you made terrible stories up about your brother as a kid.”
“They weren’t made up and you know it.”
“Drove him to suicide,” she continued. “Might as well have put the noose around his neck yourself.”
She couldn’t argue that point. It was true. Dana pushed the guilt she’d learned to live with to the back of her mind. “He confessed what he’d done in his note, Mom.”
Her mom ignored her words again. “Then you played the victim with Garrett. You played it so well, his mother dragged him across the country to be free of you. Now, with Ron. It’s poor Dana all over and over again. Seriously honey, I think you need to examine yourself, not this so-called rage you think he has.”
“I don’t make them hit me, Mom. Is that what you think?”
“I didn’t say that, but you’ve always been melodramatic.”
“How do I stop it then?”
“Maybe when he comes home a little drunk, you could let it be. Don’t chastise him. Don’t wait for him like you’re his mother. A man needs to have a way to let off steam. You can’t be on him over every little thing.”
Dana stumbled over the last step and grabbed the wall, her fingernails digging into the faded wallpaper as another pain forced her to double over. She took short, quick breaths until it dissipated. Straightening, she walked to the couch and sat down. Another pain, sharper this time, caused her to cry out. She covered her mouth as the sound echoed through the silent house.
Shuffling upstairs, and then she saw Ronny’s bare feet at the top. “What’s going on?”
“I think I’m in labor.”
“You think?”
“I am. I just didn’t want to wake you until I was sure.”
“You’re doing a shitty job of that.”
She laughed. “I was going to call Danny and then get you, but since you’re up, do you mind?”
“Sure, but how did you think you were going to climb those stairs again? Fuck, sometimes you’re du
mber than me.”
Ronny went to the kitchen. The living room looked eerie. Lit by a full moon streaming through the bay window, the furniture cast long shadows against the walls. Dana eyed the dust covering the TV and the coffee table. She’d have to clean or the kids would be tracing pictures in it with their fingers. Ronny hated that.
In the kitchen, he laughed. He and Danny would be making fun of her. At least he was finally laughing. He hadn’t in a while. Not with her anyway.
Danny arrived when her pains were less than ten minutes apart. She worried about the thirty-minute drive to the hospital.
“You told me the other two took a long time.”
“It just feels different.” She slipped her sandals on and Ronny took her bag.
“Don’t worry. The way Ronny drives, you’ll get there faster than any ambulance could. The kids will be fine. I’ll tell them in the morning. Call me.” Danny rubbed her back, gently pushing her out the door.
“Okay, don’t forget Amy’s pills.”
The doctors diagnosed Amy as having Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, ADHD he called it, which explained a lot. Unable to focus like other kids, the doctor said she couldn’t control her impulses, often acting before thinking of the consequences. He recommended Ritalin, a drug that reduced hyperactivity and would help her to judge situations a little better. Amy had improved with the medication, although sometimes she seemed detached.
“I won’t forget. Now go.” Danny shut the door.
He was right, twenty minutes later—and with ten years hacked off her life due to Ronny’s terrifying driving—they pulled into the hospital parking lot. They rushed her up to maternity where six short hours later she gave birth to Jacob Ronald Sampson. The nurses promptly whisked him away from her.
CHAPTER 26
Hayley listened to Uncle Danny talk on the phone with Daddy. She’d been bored all morning while waiting for news about Mommy and the new baby, but Uncle Danny promised to do something fun after lunch.
“Okay, take care. Tell Dana we love her. We’ll see you in a couple of days,” Danny told Daddy.
“A couple days?” Hayley groaned, throwing herself back on her unmade bed. “How long does it take to have a baby?”
“You know, when this baby comes you won’t be Dad’s suck anymore,” Amy said. Seated on the floor, her back against the white dresser they shared, Amy picked at her toenails, a habit that made Hayley want to throw up.
“I’m not a suck,” she said.
“Yes, you are, but you won’t be the youngest anymore. They won’t care about you. Granny told me when a new baby comes, moms and dads forget the other kids.”
“That’s just dumb,” Devon said. “Mom never forgot me when Hayley was born.”
Amy stood and placed her hands on her skinny hips. “You’re just a Mama’s boy, so that’s different. If we get another brother, you won’t be her favorite anymore.”
“Piss off Amy,” Devon snapped.
“You can’t say that. I’m telling.” Amy ran to the door, but Uncle Danny entered the room before she reached it.
“Uncle Danny—”
He didn’t hear Amy. “Guess what? You’ve got a new brother.”
“Cool! Finally, another boy in this house,” Devon cried, jumping around the room.
“When are they coming home?” Hayley asked. Something weird burned in her tummy all the way to her throat. Suddenly she didn’t want the baby, but she didn’t know why.
“Well, Jacob, that’s his name, had a little trouble breathing so they’ll be there for a couple of days. But Mom’s okay and so is he. Your dad will be home in the morning for a bit.”
Hayley smiled a little for him. Uncle Danny wouldn’t want her to be sad; he’d think she was silly.
“Hay? You all right?”
“I just miss Mommy.”
He picked her up and gave her a giant bear hug. She couldn’t help giggling. He was the best at hugs.
“Don’t worry, monkey, they’ll be home in no time. Until then, we’re having a party. To the kitchen!”
They marched out after him; a party with Uncle Danny was the best. Even Amy couldn’t be grumpy about that. He let them mess up the house and make lots of noise. His only rule was that they had to clean up after or he’d never do it again.
“Let’s make popcorn marshmallow pizza with bacon surprise,” he yelled as they ran down the stairs.
“Gross,” Devon gagged. “No way.”
“Okay, how about eyeball oatmeal?”
“We don’t have any eyeballs in the fridge,” Amy chortled.
“How about sleigh rides?”
“It’s summer, silly,” Hayley giggled.
He tipped her upside down.
“Stop, I’m dizzy.”
“Summer doesn’t matter,” Uncle Danny set her down and ran to the front porch. “We’ve got stairs and Krazy Karpets. That’s all we need.”
“What?” Devon followed to help him find the flat pieces of plastic they loved. Rectangular in shape—about three feet long, flexible and with two holes in the end to hold on—Krazy Karpets were the most fun of all of their sleds.
Uncle Danny and Devon brought the Krazy Karpets inside, handing one each to Hayley and Amy. Danny led them to the stairs, and then unfurled his as he walked to the top.
“Well, get up here,” Uncle Danny said. They clamored up the stairs. “Okay, I’ll go first to make sure it’s safe.”
Hayley’s heart pounded hard in her chest as he laid the sled out flat on the landing and sat on it. Uncle Danny really was crazy.
“Okay, I’ll count to three and you give me a push.”
They got ready, hands on his back as he counted.
“One, two, three…”
They pushed. Uncle Danny flew down the stairs, bumping all the way down. Hayley giggled so hard her cheeks ached. At the bottom, Uncle Danny stood and bowed. “Now you guys try it once and we’ll get some lunch before we begin the real races.”
Krazy Karpet Stair Races lasted a long time, but finally Uncle Danny said they had to get ready for supper and then bed. Mommy would be calling to make sure they went on time.
Later, when Amy and Devon slept, Hayley heard the TV downstairs. She couldn’t sleep. Her mind kept seeing Mommy and Daddy walking away from her and carrying the new baby. She called them but they didn’t hear her and it made her sad.
Being as quiet as she could, she got out of bed and crept downstairs. Before she made it to the bottom, Uncle Danny turned. “What’s wrong monkey?”
He always called her monkey, or chubs. She liked monkey better. “I can’t sleep. I’m scared.”
He patted the couch next to him. “I left the light on.”
She climbed on his lap. It wasn’t as roomy there as it used to be, only her bum fit and her legs if she curled them up tight. “I know. I just don’t like the new baby.”
Uncle Danny played with her hair. It made her sleepy. “You don’t know him. How can you not like him?”
“What if Mommy and Daddy forget me because they love him better?”
“Who told you that?”
“No one?”
“You are a terrible liar. Tell me.”
“Amy said that Granny told her moms and dads forget the old kids when they have babies,” she said. “I don’t want them to forget me. I won’t be the littlest one anymore. Now I have to be grown. And I don’t want to be grown.”
There, it was out. Hayley felt better, like something had been sitting on her chest and now it was gone.
“Amy likes to rattle your chain. Your mom and dad love you no matter what. And if her granny really said that, she’s a mean old woman.”
Granny Sampson was a mean old woman. She didn’t like Mommy. She always said mean things and looked at Mommy weird, like Mommy was some crazy person.
“Granny is kind of mean,” she said. “She told me I was fat and lazy.”
“Did you tell your mom?” She shook her head and Uncle Danny frowned. �
��Think of Granny Sampson for a minute and tell me who you think is really the fat and lazy one.”
“She is?”
“Yes, she is.” Uncle Danny hugged her tight.
Hayley wanted to stay like that forever.
“You wanna camp out with me tonight?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, go get your pillow and blanket. Do not wake the other two up. This couch is only so big.”
Hayley hurried upstairs and came back dragging her bedding. Uncle Danny had already unfolded the couch. She climbed up next to him.
“You have to go to sleep, though, or it’s back upstairs for you.”
“Okay,” Hayley didn’t argue. “I love you, Uncle Danny.”
“Love you too, monkey. Forever and ever.”
CHAPTER 27
December, 1983
Ronny was drunk. More than drunk.
Smashed.
Before slipping off his stool, he downed the beer and slammed the empty bottle on the counter.
“Hey, you want a ride home?” the bouncer asked, a man by the name of Frank or Tank, something Ronny couldn’t remember.
He grinned. “I’m gonna walk. I think I locked my keys in the car anyway.”
“Probably a good thing,” Frank-Tank said, opening the door for him.
Ronny stumbled outside. Shit it was cold. He could have driven, but Dana would be mad enough that he’d even been drinking.
Fuck her. Always judging people.
Sometimes he hated her, but then guilt set in. She was home with the kids every day, and Amy made that a hard job. Why’d he ever bring her into their home? Would’ve been easier to leave her with his parents. Still, even with Amy’s behavior, it wasn’t like Dana’s life sucked. He tried to make her happy, but since Jacob was born, she cried almost every day. What’s a guy supposed to do about that?
The solitude of the walk home was exactly what he needed. The streetlights cast round pools of light on the icy sidewalks and the brisk air sobered him somewhat. He turned at the Texaco Station and staggered across the road. The houses grew dumpier as he walked along the river. He glared at the darkened windows of his neighbors’ homes as he passed. Hadn’t he vowed to move out of the asshole part of town? He only managed to move to a less shitty street across town, with working families instead of welfare bums. It didn’t make them less poor or desperate, though.