The One You Feed

by Renee Miller

  She sighed loudly and rolled back to face the wall. If things didn’t change soon, she’d pack her shit and forget him. No one was worth feeling like this, but she loathed the idea of admitting she was wrong. She rubbed her thumb over a scratch on the wall. Connor just needed to realize how lucky he was to have her.

  Sitting alone all night while she worked was probably getting to him. She’d make sure that dinner was ready every night and the place spotless before she left in the morning. It wasn’t a big deal to get up a couple of hours earlier, not when their happiness was at stake.

  After what her mother endured with her dad, she felt ashamed for even considering quitting. If her mother could go through hell and come out a stronger, happier person, then she could certainly handle a few tiny bumps. It’s not like Connor hit her.

  She turned back and reached out to touch his shoulder. He pulled away mumbling in his sleep.

  CHAPTER 45

  August 1997

  Hayley pressed her fingers to her temples, careful not to smudge the nail polish Mandy had painstakingly applied. She’d endured a migraine since the night before when she got together with a few friends to drink to her last night of freedom.

  What she had hoped would be a fun evening turned into a very early one. Mandy had pronounced it an omen, the universe’s way of telling her she shouldn’t marry Connor. But then, Connor and Mandy hated each other. It drove Hayley crazy, but she’d never cut Mandy out of her life. She expected Mandy to refuse outright when she asked her to be in the wedding. Probably agreed so she could spend the months leading to the wedding trying to convince Hayley not to do it.

  “Why did you agree to be my maid of honor if you hate him so much?” Hayley asked.

  “I don’t want to support you in doing something I think you’ll regret,” Mandy said. “But I love you, and I know you’ll just do it anyway and I’ll be damned if that prick is going to drive a wedge between us. I’ll do it, but under duress.”

  “Dress time,” Aunt Jannie called from downstairs.

  Hayley opened the medicine cabinet, grabbed the pills she’d come up for and decided to pee before she went down and wrestled herself into her dress. Slipping off her shorts, she froze. This was not happening to her, not today. Trying her best not to cry, Hayley cleaned up and cursed Mother Nature. She’d planned it so carefully and picked this weekend because she wouldn’t have her period. Christ, it was two weeks early. She could imagine what Mandy would have to say about this.

  Hayley ran to her mother’s room and grabbed the bag containing the lingerie she planned to wear under her dress, not that it would do her any good. He wasn’t going to see any of it tonight. Her period grossed him out, so there was no way they’d be consummating a damn thing.

  “Hay, come on,” Mandy called, stopping in the doorway. “What’s wrong? You aren’t crying already, are you?”

  “I’ve got my period.”

  “Oh no.” Mandy held her arms open.

  Hayley pushed her away.

  “Well fine, don’t ask for another. These babies aren’t free.”

  Hayley laughed. “You know I don’t hug, so don’t worry. There won’t be any requests.”

  Mandy trailed behind her as she went down the stairs. “It’s not the end of the world you know. Lots of guys don’t mind—”

  “Connor is definitely not one of those guys. Shit, he can’t even get it up if my legs aren’t shaved.”

  “Told you he’s not right.”

  “Not today, okay?”

  Downstairs they met chaos. Half of her bridesmaids were in various states of undress in her mother’s living room, their dresses lying over the couch and shoes piled on the coffee table. In the kitchen, her mother yelled at the phone. Aunt Jannie had her dress on the ironing board. A bubble of dismay popped in her chest. No one ironed satin.

  “Aunt Jannie, what are you doing?”

  “Well your dress fell off the hanger last night, and it’s all wrinkled.”

  “Signs, signs, everywhere there’s signs,” Mandy sang.

  Hayley glared at her before turning to Aunt Jannie. “You know you aren’t supposed to iron satin, right?”

  “Don’t worry, I’m using a wet towel, I’ve done this before. The steamer won’t work and we’ve only got about an hour before the ceremony.”

  “Shit.” Hayley’s mom slammed down the phone and stormed into the living room, her face flushed. By the way her hair was flattened on one side; Hayley knew she was stressed to her limit.

  “Okay, we’ve got a problem.”

  “What?” Hayley didn’t want to panic, but in fewer than ten minutes, the most important day of her life had become one of the worst.

  “I ordered the flowers months ago and someone screwed it all up. You’ve got a bouquet for Mandy, and your own, but they made wrist corsages for the other girls and there aren’t any for the guys. She said she could have those ready but there isn’t enough time to fix the problem with the bouquets.”

  Hayley counted to ten. She didn’t need this. It was bad enough Connor reamed her out about the decorations earlier. He had been at the hall where Hayley and her bridesmaids had spent all morning decorating. Since they didn’t leave the windows open and the air conditioning hadn’t been turned on, the balloons were on the floor and the flowers wilted. He’d yelled at her for a full ten minutes before hanging up the phone.

  “Okay, no big deal on the flowers,” she said.

  Her bridesmaids nodded.

  “And I don’t care about wrinkles, let’s just put the damn dress on and go. If I’m late, Connor will freak.”

  “Oh well, because it’s all about Connor.” Mandy put her hands up when Hayley turned. “Sorry, I’m sorry. I just wanted this to be so perfect for you. It can only get better, right?”

  “Yes.”

  Everyone made a big deal of Hayley emerging from the dining room with her somewhat wrinkled dress on.

  “Oh stop. It’s just a dress.” She didn’t like the way they all looked at her as though she were suddenly beautiful. The dress wasn’t magical.

  Her mom corralled everyone outside, and Hayley followed, her head swimming with doubts. Her entire being said this was wrong. Rather than changing, Connor had gotten worse since proposing. She had lost more than twenty pounds in the months leading up to the wedding. Working two jobs, finishing school, and trying to maintain her happy exterior wore on her. She could barely keep up. Connor blew if she argued and blew if she didn’t. He would stay out all night with his friends to wake her up and ask why this or that wasn’t done or why had she locked the door.

  Hayley didn’t take all of his crap. Despite what Mandy thought, she gave as good as she got. She wished it were easy, that they could just love each other, but Connor wouldn’t be happy with that. His mercurial moods didn’t allow for harmony. But just because he sometimes grew moody and distant didn’t mean he didn’t deserve love, and Hayley did love him. When he was happy, he was a good guy. After the wedding, he would feel secure knowing she would stay beside him no matter what happened, and maybe then he wouldn’t test her so much. Love was about give and take. Eventually it would even out—they had a lifetime to learn to love each other.

  She forced the doubts from her mind when they arrived at the church. This would be a happy day if it killed her.

  Her dad waited outside, stiff and miserable in his tuxedo. At the sight of him, Hayley wanted to cry. He hated Connor, but he’d supported her every moment since hearing about the engagement. She wished he’d say something to make her feel better.

  “You’re beautiful,” he said when she approached him. “God, not my baby girl anymore.”

  The lump was back in her throat and she blinked away tears. “Is everyone inside?”

  He nodded and held his arm out. She let him hug her, although he held on a little too long. Walking up the steps to the church, Hayley suddenly couldn’t breathe. It was as if the air had been sucked out through a vacuum. As her father opened the doors and p
laced his hand on her back, she swayed.

  “You okay?” he asked.

  “Yeah, it’s just hot in this dress. Should’ve gone with sleeveless.”

  She helped her bridesmaids line up, Aunt Jannie’s daughters at the front with their flower petals and princess dresses. They beamed as the music started and walked into the church.

  “You sure? I mean—” Mandy whispered.

  Hayley smiled and turned her around. “I’m sure. Now go.”

  No, I’m not.

  Mandy entered the church, her back stiff.

  Her dad turned. Hayley met his gaze. Her heart ached at his sadness.

  “I can’t let you do this,” he said. “It’s money well spent if you realize he isn’t worth it.”

  “Dad, I’d be a jerk to change my mind now.”

  “You’d be smart. I’m serious. We can turn around now and go. Please don’t make me give you to that piece of shit.”

  Hayley breathed deeply to still an overwhelming urge to cry. “He loves me. I know you don’t get him. He’s not always easy, but I really do love him. I won’t back out. That’s not fair to him. Trust me, it’ll be okay.” The bridal march played. She pulled his arm. “Let’s go.”

  When they entered the church, as she dragged her father with her, Hayley didn’t see anyone but Connor. He stood at the back, a small smile on his face.

  Ronny let go, passing her to Connor. A single tear fell down his cheek.

  Hayley wiped it away and kissed him.

  “I’m still so proud of what you’ve become,” he whispered. “And he will never deserve you.”

  She smiled and turned to face Connor as the minister began speaking. Strangely, she felt nothing. Not sadness, not happiness…just nothing. She tried, but went through the motions like a robot, her mind screaming that there was something intrinsically wrong in what she was doing. Later, when the minister gave them permission to kiss, she wanted to bolt. Too late for that.

  He pulled her close and brushed her lips briefly. “What is wrong with you?

  “Nothing, I just had a bad morning.”

  “Well that’s encouraging.”

  —

  As their wedding gift, Connor’s brother rented them a trailer at a popular campsite. Hayley was disappointed that they wouldn’t have a room somewhere. She hated camping, but she put on a smile and thanked him.

  After saying goodbye and promising everybody to have a memorable night, they arrived at the campsite and her spirits sank.

  The trailer, dilapidated and reeking of smelly feet, had an area to sleep and a tiny table. The bathroom was a nightmare; a bucket with a seat on top for toilet.

  She turned to him. “Your brother didn’t have to do this.”

  “Well, we couldn’t afford anything better, so this is it.” He finished removing his jacket.

  “It’s all right. We should use the boat tomorrow. That would be relaxing.”

  “You have to pay for rental, so it’s not really worth it.”

  Hayley searched for the right thing to say, something to break the thickening tension. She was nervous, though she knew it was silly. Despite spending every night with Connor, the idea of telling him they couldn’t make love terrified her.

  He locked the door, although she didn’t know why he bothered. A good tug would pull the thing right off. Sitting on the bed, she watched him remove his shirt and his pants.

  “I’m beat, move over,” he said, nudging her aside as he climbed on the bed.

  “I just have to use the bathroom.”

  Struggling to squeeze into the tiny room, she wrestled with the door until it closed. Hayley lied her head against the wall and took a deep breath. It wasn’t a big deal, he’d understand. He did say he was tired. She was being stupid, as usual.

  When Hayley stepped out, Connor lay on his side, his back facing her. She fought with the catch on her dress and slipped it off, then grabbed a T-shirt out of her bag on the floor. Connor didn’t move and she wondered if he’d fallen asleep.

  Climbing onto the bed—an affair of wood planks with a thin padding on top—she crawled under the covers and waited.

  He sighed. “Turn off the light.”

  Hayley reached to the light switch that was above him, not her, and flicked it off, plunging them into total darkness. She listened to his breathing. Would say anything? “Connor?”

  “I’m tired. Can we do this tomorrow?”

  Tomorrow? She frowned. It was their wedding night and he wanted to do this tomorrow? He wouldn’t even try to touch her? All of the worry, the stress she’d endured while trying to figure out how to approach the subject had been for nothing. He didn’t even want to make love. She should be grateful, he’d eliminated the need for her to apologize for screwing up her dates, but she felt hurt and angry instead.

  “You don’t want to—”

  “We’ve got forever to do that. Besides, it’s not like it would be anything new. Just go to sleep.”

  She bit her lip hard. A prickly heat washed over her and she realized she wouldn’t be able to hold the tears back. Not that Connor would notice. He was already snoring. She threw off the blanket, knees trembling, and walked to the door.

  Connor sat up. “Where are you going?”

  “I need some air,” she lied and pushed the little door open. “The lock is broken.”

  Outside Hayley sat on the steps and lifted her face toward the stars, tears falling unchecked as her father’s words tumbled over in her mind.

  He doesn’t deserve you…

  Or maybe she didn’t deserve him.

  CHAPTER 46

  January 1998

  Ignoring Mandy’s rapping on the door, Hayley sat on the toilet and stared at the stick in her hand. There they were; two pink lines, exactly what she hoped for. Only now she was terrified of its implications.

  “Hey, can I come in?” Mandy asked.

  Hayley said nothing, but heard the knob turn.

  Mandy walked in. “Connor’s about to blow a gasket.”

  Hayley handed her the stick.

  “Oh my shit,” Mandy screamed. “We’re going to have a baby!”

  She smiled. Only Mandy could turn this into a we situation. But her excitement was contagious and when she bent to hug her, Hayley’s spirits lifted.

  Mandy pulled her up, the stick still in her left hand. “Come on, let’s go tell him. It’s what you wanted, isn’t it?”

  “Yeah, I’m just…it’s all so real now. I’m kind of scared now that it’s in there.”

  “Well you can’t take it out. Oh Daddy, come see.” Mandy dragged her out and waved the stick.

  Connor came out of the kitchen, looking as frightened as Hayley felt. “Really? Already?”

  “I’ve been off the pill for two months,” Hayley said, inwardly begging him to be happy about this. He was the one who told her to toss her birth control. He was the one who said he wanted a son, and soon.

  “I know—it’s just so fast.”

  “Well, we can’t take it back.”

  “We could, if you want to.”

  Mandy’s gasp brought a scowl from Connor. “How could you say that?” she scolded. “This is awesome news. You can’t abort a baby you planned.”

  Connor stared at Hayley, a muscle twitching in his jaw, his lips pressed together. He was angry. She was suddenly sorry that she hadn’t done this alone. Then she could have waited for the right moment to tell him. It was hard to digest and she’d just sprung it on him.

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

  The sound of her voice, the meek submission that laced her words suddenly brought her mother to mind. Shoulders slumped, apologizing to Ronny, to Garrett, for her failures, and for making them hurt her. Isn’t this what she said she’d never become? Hayley touched his arm, needing to reassure herself that they were different. She was not her mother, and he wasn’t her father.

  “I need some time,” he snapped and strode over to the hallway. He opened the closet and grabbed his c
oat. “I’ll be back later.”

  Hayley watched him leave with a sense of emptiness in her stomach. She’d always thought she would be different, that she would be smarter than her parents. “Okay.”

  He slammed the door behind him, the noise echoing in the silent house.

  “What a fucking asshole,” Mandy said. “How dare he ruin this for you? If it weren’t for you, I’d kick his skinny ass.”

  “He just has trouble with change. It’ll be okay when he comes back.”

  “It’s never okay, Hay. He just told you to abort your child.”

  “He didn’t say that.”

  “Well, he did and I’m sick of his shit. You’re always so tense, jumpy, and weird. I don’t like it. This is amazing news, one of the most important moments of your life. I can’t even imagine what the hell he’s going to do if it’s a girl.”

  She hadn’t thought of that. Connor wanted a boy, and only a boy. They’d discussed it several times, or rather, he told her how things would go. He wanted one boy, no more kids than that. When she mentioned that boys aren’t guaranteed, Connor replied that he was meant to have a son.

  “He’ll be fine,” she said. “It’s his kid after all. Everyone loves their children in the end.”

  Mandy snorted and began picking up their lunch dishes. “You’re always making excuses for him and it hurts me to see you becoming more what Connor thinks you should be than what you worked hard to be.”

  Hayley joined her. “I’m the same person I’ve always been.”

  Mandy set the dishes in the sink and turned. She took Hayley’s shoulders in her hands and gave her a little shake. “I think you need to look in the mirror, because you aren’t anything like the person I used to know. God, you saw your mom do this for years and swore you’d never let someone walk all over you like that. Guess what? You’ve got footsteps all over your back.”

  Hayley turned away, not wanting Mandy to see her tears. She was right. Every day she felt her old self, her true self, slip further away from her. She’d become someone she didn’t know or like. Thinking back to her wedding night, ironically much the same as her mother’s—God there would never be another trailer park honeymoon in her family as long as she breathed—the way she’d excused everything he said and did made her pause. Why did she think that something had been wrong with her? What kind of man doesn’t touch his wife on their wedding night?