“Yeah, why?” Ren uttered.
“You seem a bit off,” Maves replied, inspecting his friend.
“I didn’t sleep too well,” Ren noted, omitting the part where he had woken up crying.
“Ahh, so you’re just tired?” Tanford asked.
“Basically,” said Ren.
Their conversation was quickly put to rest as Miss Flois walked in. Homeroom was about to begin. Every word that she spoke were ignored, as he was far too focused on the crippling sensation that reaped the enjoyment of every school of thought and the admiration of the mundaneness and ambience.
He sat turning back a page and staring at the picture of the girl expressing the sweetest bliss that now only seemed like a facade for the misery that hid deep within. Where are you? he asked himself. She seemed so distant, almost like she was gone.
His thoughts circulated, reaching no conclusion. Time drifted by as though he wasn’t part of the general flow, but, somehow, an observer of the world that passed by him. Seconds turned into minutes and minutes into hours. Before he knew it, he had already had all of his classes and partaken in the lunch break and finally, the half day had reached its end. The students that filled the building soon dispersed and went home. Students were encouraged to stay and study, but barely anyone was bothered to, instead it was left to only a handful of pupils. Ren was among them.
He decided to stay behind and catch up with some studying, specifically the subjects that he was incapable of concentrating in, or that’s at least what he had told his friends. After a little daydreaming and bit of contemplating, he abandoned his work and decided to take a walk in the school building.
Starting outside the corridor of his classroom, he walked across the floor, looking into every room and turning to the windows, soaking up both the view and the sun that shone in. He walked relatively slow, as though every step was meant to savour the experience and draw out the supposed break that he needed.
From floor to floor, he explored the building, seeing the occasional student or teacher as he enjoyed his little escapade. The wanderer explored most of the school, until he was left with only one place that he was quite familiar with. The roof.
With one step at a time, he made his way up, reaching a windowed door. He gently turned the handle and let himself out onto the school roof where he usually enjoyed his lunches with Maves and Tanford, but this time he was alone.
He walked out to the centre of the roof and looked up at the bright blue sky that stretched across, like a skyward ceiling, with clouds drifting like small boats on a sea. A sweet, gentle wind skipped across the plateau and danced with his clothes as he finally let go of the sickening feeling that had plagued him all day.
His shoulders sunk and his stern expression softened, leaving behind a sad smile. While looking out at the city around him, hearing the constant sound of the urban environment as vehicles sprinted and pedestrians walked, he heard a voice so clear in his mind. Every other sound and distraction dwarfed in comparison. Although alone on the roof, a girl’s voice spoke his name as though she stood right next to him.
Ren? Are you there?
His half-lidded eyes shot open. Yeah. He smiled. I’m here, Kaori. His smile deepened. What’s up?
I have the concert today. Without intending to she communicated her panic. And it’s soon my turn!
Don’t worry, you’ll be fine. He nodded gently. I promise. Just go out on stage, I’ll be here, with you, every step of the way.
Really?
Really. He looked up at the sky with a smile. He let his chest rise and fall, the heaviness was gone. He had never been this happy to be piggybacking on her thoughts and sharing the anxiety that was now overwhelming her.
ChapteR 22
“Kaori, you’re up now,” Nora uttered as she appeared backstage, however, when she saw her, her relaxed expression quickly gave way to petrification. “Are you alright?”
“I’m fine,” Kaori fronted a smile.
“Are you sure you can go on?” Nora leaned forward, ready to help her if she fell.
“She says she can go on, I believe her,” Mei said, supporting Kaori.
“If you say so,” Nora let out a sigh and nodded.
“Thank you,” Kaori said as the doors leading to the stage opened.
Ren. Here I go.
She walked through the open doors and appeared on stage underneath the lights that cast four separate shadows around her. Her dress was elegant as it swayed gracefully while she walked across the wooden stage. She carefully calculated her steps so as to make sure to not fall.
Every pair of eyes looked at her. “It’s Kaori Arima,” one would say.
“Here she comes,” another would utter.
“She’s so pretty.”
Kaori continued her walk on stage, which felt like it was taking forever. The audience soon clapped and after a moment it turned into a thundering applause. She reached the front of the stage where she acknowledged her crowd with a bow.
Ren! There are so many people here! I can’t do it!
Yes you can! Don’t worry, just think about playing for one.
Okay, okay, I can do that. She rose from her bow.
From behind the backstage monitor, Mei and Nora stood anxiously watching Kaori, hoping that she didn’t faint on the way to the piano. Fortunately, that didn’t happen. She arrived in one piece and sat down on the edge of the stool in front of the grand instrument.
I can’t do it! Kaori froze under the pressure of all the stares and all the ears waiting to scrutinise and criticise the music that she’d play.
Yes you can! Ren refused to let her give up, when she had already come so far.
I can’t! she persisted, staring at the ominous piano keys. It was like something deep inside told her that she would be forsaken and the moment she’d play a tune the piano would fail to support her.
Kaori, he began, I promised you that I’ll show you one of my drawing of you, he said. It’ll only be fair if you show me what you can do now, he whispered, provoking a reaction in the pianist.
Okay, fine, then we’ll be even. A small smile grew on her face.
Perfect, now show me what you can do, Miss Pianist! he exclaimed, encouraging her to stand tall and broadcast her skill as a musician.
Ren. She brought her fingers to the keys. Listen! Don’t you dare look away, not for a moment and don’t you dare leave me alone here! With those words, her fingers softly pressed down the keys, producing sounds.
The song was initiated, however, as it began, their connection ended. The boy who was linked by the crimson thread had vanished from the fabric of Kaori’s mind, leaving her alone, in front of the audience.
The song that she played was an original. It was something only she had ever experienced and now, in this moment, she was sharing that experience.
She infused the notes with her frustration and fear as she buried the song’s beauty under layers upon layers of panic. Her fingers forced the keys down as she played the thematic introduction of her song.
Kaori… don’t be scared. Aiko thought, watching her daughter in pity, knowing that the audience was getting to her. The piano will support you.
This is wrong, Kaori thought, listening to the notes that she was playing, noticing how hard she was pounding the keys to produce the sounds. Ren, why did you leave me alone? She sought refuge inward, but it seemed impossible. I told you not to look away, but if you will, I’ll just have to play louder… to reach you. She adapted her playing to fit the emotions she was trying to convey.
The audience, after listening to the sound of panic was forced to the edge of their seats. They watched the pianist change her touch so dramatically it was almost like night and day. Every pair of eyes were wide with shock and amazement as they experienced the sound shift. Forgetting even to breathe, the crowd watched unable to take their eyes away from Kaori.
Kousei, that’s our Kaori. A smile slowly grew on Aiko’s face. She takes after you, I can hear you in her notes. Years after
you left us— I’m still mad about that by the way—she connected with her soulmate and that boy was able to give her the courage to try again. Her smile deepened. To come back on stage; to not give up. She sounds exactly like you, when you used to play for me in high school. Whenever you played our thoughts entered the same frequency. I know its been some time, but our little girl is finally ready to put away her fear and play for us, again. Her thoughts drifted along with the tune that Kaori played so passionately.
She wore a soft grin on her face as she exercised her skill. Her notes sparkled, drifting through the air like cherry blossoms from a huge tree that stood firm on stage like a manifestation of her music. The dampers that hid underneath the cast iron frame, danced across the metal strings, producing a rich, unrushed sound that carried Kaori’s melancholy and hope.
Ren, will this reach you? She ushered in a new chapter to her song, replacing some of the quarter notes, using them only to produce a smooth trickling sound—like waterdrops. I hope it does. She prepared her vocal box and calmly established the theme.
What kind of life can I really hope to have,
Being all alone, stringless like I am,
Bonds fade so quickly,
And barely feel so deep,
Never let me go,
Never fall asleep,
I fell in love with the mirage that you are,
I saw you in my dreams,
Gone when I woke,
I wish we could be together, forever and a day,
Hand in hand, we live
Day by day, we stay
The voice of the young pianist filled the hall along with her notes. With the most gentle and sweetest of voices, she sung the song that she wished to share with only one person, losing sight of all those that watched and all those that didn’t. She looked up at the ceiling lights, hoping that she’d reach that special person. Everything else disappeared around her, leaving her alone in the majestic coloratura manifested by her grand partner. Surrounded by notes, wholes, halves, quarters, the music that she made; she painted the entire room with her sorrow, her frustration, her joy and her hope. The tune was transformed into a myriad of bulbs that floated into the air as she played the keys.
Enjoy every twilight and freeze every sunrise,
Give me every second and I’ll give all mine,
But I am left alone, after the deepest sleep,
Never let me go
Never let me weep
Calling out to you in my dreams, all alone
If I never dreamt, I don’t think I could be sad
But I feel so stranded and don’t know what to do
Take my hand and happy I’ll be
She hoped her song would bend the fabric of reality just to reach the one she played for. She hoped that she could share the fruit of her labours with him, wishing that he’d respond or make a sound, but deep down she knew that radio silence was all she could hope for.
What should I do?
Where should I be?
I never saw you again,
And I always wondered ‘why?’
Counting all the petals that fall and float by,
When I reach out and try to hold them, in my hands they die,
It finally hit me that I was all alone,
That’s when I finally realised—
Her eyes closed, trying to hide away the painful reality and escape inward, where her memories would soothe her and her hopes and dreams would come true. Her lips parted and from them came the final set of lyrics that would conclude the act and usher in the final resolution of her song.
That you had never gone. You were always there,
Bits and pieces remained, you were still alive.
I’ll never forgive you, if you never find me,
Ren, it would break my heart in two.
Her lips shut like gates and her vocals ceased, leaving her with nothing but the chilling sadness of solitude that ate away at her. Somewhere within she knew that her connection with him had broken, it was like the precious thread had snapped, leaving her no way to find him.
Alone under the scrutiny of the ceiling lights she upped her tempo and filled the song with so many notes that nobody in the audience even noticed that she had stopped singing. Instead, she compelled her partner to sing both parts of the duet. While keeping her sorrowful tears at bay, she fuelled every note with them. The final moment soon came as she leaned back and concluded her song with a final chord, letting the stage lights wash away her gloom.
As the last sound vanished into the air, silence was invited to take its place—the kind of lull that was eerie and almost frightening. The audience sat paralysed by the song. Their eyes wide and their lips parted. Not a single person clapped. Complete silence followed for a few moments. In the strange absence of sound, Kaori rose from the stool and walked to the edge of the stage. Her footsteps were the only thing that resonated in the stillness, until she stopped and bowed.
That was the moment when it finally hit them that the song was finished. The open mouths closed and the petrified people clapped. One after another they were released from their paralysis. After a few seconds of scattered applause, it soon became like a thundering ovation.
Rising from her bow, she looked up and acknowledged the audience. Something in that moment was different. She wasn’t scared or worried, instead it was like she was looking further, beyond them, trying to see someone. Right then, she felt it, a gentle tug on her heartstrings, it was like the thread she thought had broken, that so wonderfully bound her to him, was pleasantly pulled to get her attention.
Ren? Are you there?
The applauses faded in the nothingness as she awaited an answer. But nothing came. Her face cringed and her eyes shuddered as her tears were now impossible to hold back. She looked away from the crowd, pivoting her feet and in one continuous motion, walked off stage. That’s when something inside her told her that she’d never hear his voice again.
Goodbye.
ChapteR 23
Days passed and the two soulmates slowly began to forget. Their memories of each other deteriorated and grew distorted, leaving behind only blurred, unconceivable cassettes in the archives of their mental cinemas. However, the feeling of loss remained and ate away at them as they knew naught where it came from or what they had lost. Instead, a hole grew in their chests, leaving room for the other, which inevitably couldn’t be filled as they could no longer connect.
Their days were normal, filled with school and a bit of socialising afterwards, along with the occasional drawing and playing of music, though these activities now felt a little empty and distant. The zeal that had previously empowered them had disappeared along with whatever they had lost.
Ren found himself in front of his drawings, with the feeling that the girl in them was someone important, but somehow, he had no memories of her. She seemed like a distant figure that inspired a spur of obsession that he had depicted with each illustration, but now there was nothing but wonder in his eyes when he looked at the still drawings.
Kaori would sit herself down by the piano and try to practice, but something was off. The piano just sounded wrong. Every note seemed empty and robotic. She played the notes perfectly but the emotion wasn’t there. As a result she was left with a hollow song. In the solitude of the desolate notes, she sat, trying her best to find a way to fill the void in her chest.
Night after night, they found themselves dreaming and when they reached the realm of the unconscious, a dark forest surrounded them. The trees stood like shaded towers, leafless and lifeless. The ambient light of the moon combatted the shadows and lit up the world, along with the grey clouds that sailed on the midnight sky.
Ren stood on a wide, open path among the trees that seemed endless. There was nothing at the end of the horizon but more trees. Desolation stood all around him. The dreams that he had experienced prior to this one had all vanished from his thoughts and the records in his mind. He wandered as though it was the first time he’d experienc
ed something like this. A dream that would allow him conscious reign over his actions.
In the same dark forest, Kaori sat on a hollowed dead tree. The life had been sucked out of it, the same way something in her chest was missing. She sat comfortably, in the chair-like section, leaning on her palm in apathy. She sat thinking about the person who remained in her memories, but had lost every distinctive feature.
Frustrated by the inability to remember the boy who she shared so much with. The boy she had grown so close to without realising. The boy who had inspired her to return to music.
Her lips parted and with the hopes that she’d reached him, she sang.
I’ll cross every ocean to find you,
I want to know your name,
I want to be right beside you,
Soulmates or not, my feelings are the same,
My feelings are the same.
Her voice was sweet and gentle as it dripped from her lips. Her over-powering apathy remained as she struggled through it. Her song swept across the dream world, hugging every branch and every trunk until the trees were whispering her song to one another.
The song was passed on from one to another until it reached the one who it was meant for. His ears picked up the sweet lull and for a moment, it was familiar. The voice was one that seemed as natural as his own. A name was drawn on his tongue, but even at the tip of it, he couldn’t speak the name of the singer, until the familiarity turned to shock as though every blurred and distorted frame that belonged to the set of memory cassettes that he had hidden away, due to their damage and lack of substance, had now been repaired. For a moment he was frozen in the restored memories with every actor and scene intact. The sound of her voice, the sweetness of her embarrassment, and the beauty of her smile—all of it. It had all returned—the landscapes, the skies, and the cherry blossoms, all of it. It was like he stood, watching from afar, in every scene and every moment he’d spent with her. The girl who was the model for his drawings was so close, yet still unreachable.
“Kaori,” Ren whispered, with a soft smile on his face as he remembered everything. “I remember.”
String Theory Page 11