by Liz Bradford
Late Monday morning Jocelyn walked out of the doctor’s office building. She reached down and rubbed her little round belly. The baby was healthy, and so was her body. If only she could say the same for her soul. She had always longed to be a mom. This was supposed to be such a happy time, but her heart hurt. This whole mess was her fault.
She climbed into her old Jeep Cherokee and leaned her head against the steering wheel, fighting to keep her composure. If she broke down, she might never pull herself back to normal. She loved this baby more than she thought possible, but they were going to be on their own.
She had hoped Patrick was turning his life around and would come home. But now she couldn’t bring herself to talk to him. Every time she told Patrick information he didn’t want to hear, something would wind up broken, and it wasn’t always just a plate or beer bottle. And she couldn’t expect anything from Patrick. Why would he want to raise another man’s child?
If Patrick knew what she and Gavin had done… she couldn’t bear the thought of what he might do.
She hadn’t spoken to Gavin since the pee stick came back with a little plus sign. He had called; he had texted; he had emailed, and she’d ignored them all. What would she say? She half expected to see a message by smoke signal. But he had the right to know why she cut him out.
Her phone rang, and she dug it out of her purse. Becca, her small group leader from church. She hesitated. What was she going to tell her?
Jocelyn had wanted to talk with someone. So, she had told her mom, who scolded her for being foolish and acting like her adulterous uncle, and she wouldn’t talk to her anymore.
What if Becca scolded her too? Jocelyn couldn’t handle any more rejection. What she’d done was wrong, but that didn’t change where she was today.
The phone stopped ringing. Good. She wouldn’t have to talk today. Becca would probably leave a message, which Jocelyn would ignore. But her phone rang again. Becca.
Jocelyn hit the ignore button. She couldn’t bring herself to act pleasant on the phone. Becca was a detective; she’d figure out real quick that something was amiss. Instead of a voicemail, though, a text message came through. From Becca.
I see you sitting in your car at Dr. Thomas’ office. Please don’t shut me out.
Jocelyn wiped her eyes. Becca was walking toward her. Jocelyn tried to put on a smile and rolled down the window. “Becca.”
“Hey, Joc! What’s with ignoring me?” Becca’s voice was tinted with hurt.
“Sorry.” Jocelyn pulled her sweater around her belly.
“How are you? I’ve missed seeing you at small group. Is everything okay?” She leaned on the car door.
“I’m fine.”
“Your cheeks tell a different story. Have you been crying?” Becca reached in and squeezed Jocelyn’s shoulder.
“Maybe.” Had tears actually come out? Hold it together, Jocelyn.
Becca remained quiet, as if she was waiting for Jocelyn to say something, but she didn’t know what to say.
The silence grew a little awkward before Becca asked, “Were you seeing Dr. Thomas today?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you trying again to get pregnant?”
Jocelyn sighed. Why had she shared her pregnancy struggles with Becca? “Well… no.”
“Then why a trip to the obstetrician?”
“What is this, twenty obnoxious questions?”
“I’m sorry. I don’t want to be annoying. Sorry.” Becca rubbed the side of her face and gave Jocelyn a soft smile. “Want to get some coffee? I promise the only grilling will be of the paninis behind the counter.”
“You’re a detective. You can’t help it.” Jocelyn chuckled half-heartedly.
Becca shrugged. “True, but that’s no reason to be rude.”
Jocelyn smiled at Becca as fresh tears threatened to expose her secrets. She needed to talk to someone.
Deep in her spirit she felt the Lord’s prodding. You can trust Becca. Talk to her. Let her in.
But she ignored it. “Aren’t you supposed to be looking for a murderer?”
“I just left the doctor’s office where Mrs. Bender worked, and I have eat lunch at some point. Gavin can hold down the investigation for an hour. He owes me one.”
“Where is he?” Jocelyn’s heartrate spiked.
“At the station. We didn’t think her office would produce much, so I came by myself. Can we hang out for a bit? Early lunch?”
It was tempting, but she couldn’t say yes. She really wasn’t ready to tell anyone else what was going on. “Um… I… I can’t. Not today.”
“Well, soon then. I miss you.”
Jocelyn smiled at Becca. “I’ve missed you too.”
“Then no more being a stranger, okay?”
“Okay. I’ll see you around.”
Becca squeezed her arm and said goodbye. As Becca walked away, the tears Jocelyn had been fighting escaped their prison. She couldn’t do this alone, but what choice did she have?
Gavin plopped down in his desk chair. He was getting tired of hearing I don’t know. “What do we know?” He tossed Becca the dry erase marker.
She caught it where she stood next to the white board. “We know Mrs. Bender is dead. All their guns are missing, along with an unknown amount of ammunition. And Mr. Bender didn’t show up for work today.”
“There’s gotta be something more.” After twelve hours, how did they have no clues. “Where is he?”
Becca tapped the marker on her chin. “What if this isn’t a domestic? What if he was taken hostage by an intruder?”
“A random intruder who didn’t take any of Mrs. Bender’s jewelry? Because no one has indicated that Ross Bender had any enemies. The opposite, really. What was it his foreman said?”
“No one with any sense would cross him.”
“Exactly. And it’s not like Ross didn’t have a history of domestic abuse.”
Becca set her shoulders back. “You’re right. So, where do we find him?”
“Maybe he’s got another property. Or he’s holed up at a hotel?”
Becca nodded. “That’s the way to look. You search for properties and connections to a place he could stay. I’ll search credit card usage and hotels.” Becca sat at her desk.
Gavin adjusted his laptop screen and dove into more mind-numbing searching.
Jocelyn slowly walked up the stairs at the station on Tuesday afternoon but stopped when she reached the next-to-last step. She didn’t want to do what she knew she had to. Her heart sped up. She looked down at the file full of pictures from yesterday morning’s crime scene. Becca had specifically asked her to bring the print copies up herself. Becca’s subtle way of getting Jocelyn to come upstairs and start interacting again. It wasn’t like the pictures weren’t in Becca’s inbox.
She stared at the squad room door. What if he was there? Did her choice of outfit today still cover her belly? It was getting so hard to hide it this week. The warmer weather wasn’t helping either. But despite the temperatures she had donned a long, loose sweater again today. So few of her clothes were loose-fitting, she seemed to be wearing the same thing every day. She pulled on her shirt to keep it from clinging to her body.
Movement by the squad room caught her attention, and she took a step back. She let out a sudden breath. It was him. Gavin walked out of the squad room with Adam, her cousin. She let the rest of the air in her lungs out. It was now or never. As the guys moved down the hallway toward the breakroom, Jocelyn quickly walked across the wide lobby of the Hazel Hill Police Department. She swiped her ID and pulled the squad room door open. With quick steps, she walked across the room, hoping she didn’t raise suspicion.
She plopped the folder on Becca’s desk, gave Amelia a quick smile and wave, and turned to leave. But something on Gavin’s caught her eye. Something he had kept on his desk since he’d become a detective. A pebble. Nothing anyone else would think anything of, but to her it slammed the guilt of what they had done back in her face. She shook her h
ead and rushed back toward the exit. She had to get out before Gavin and Adam came back.
Five steps away from the door. Four steps. Three. It opened. Her heart stopped. The guys were looking at each other laughing. She had to think quick before she was seen. Two steps. The captain’s office was open. She slipped in as they walked through the door.
“Jocelyn!” Captain Baker’s jovial voice echoed in her ears. “It’s good to see you. To what do I owe the pleasure of your presence up in the squad room today?”
Jocelyn had always been quick on her feet, ready to say anything. Although most of the time her quips were sarcastic and snarky. The hormones invading her brain were making it a challenge as of late. “I…” Her mind cleared. “I wanted to tell you I finished processing the crime scene photos from Monday. Still have to work on the evidence that was gathered, but would you like me to send you what I have?”
“Sure. That’d be great. Thanks, Jocelyn.”
“Not a problem. I’ll send it to you shortly then.”
“No rush.”
“Okay.” She turned and rushed out of the office and then the squad room so fast she didn’t watch where she was going. She ran into someone. “I’m so sorry.” She grabbed the sides of her sweater and pulled it around herself.
“No, I’m sorry,” Becca said. “Hey, were you running back downstairs without saying ‘hi’?”
“Maybe…”
“Not cool.” Amused irritation covered Becca’s face.
Jocelyn shrugged.
“Wanna grab some lunch?”
“Aren’t you supposed to be finding that killer?”
“We’ve exhausted every lead we could gather. Every patrol is looking for him. I need to eat—never did take a lunch yesterday and the captain reprimanded me. Would you like to come over?”
“I haven’t finished photographing all the evidence from yesterday. I really should work on that.”
“Then come back in an hour with me. I know I wasn’t the only one working late yesterday.”
“I don’t know…”
“I’m only asking for an hour. Please.” Becca’s sheepish grin finally pulled a laugh out of Jocelyn.
Once again, deep inside, she felt the Lord’s prodding. You can trust Becca. Talk to her. Let her in.
“We could go back to my place and hang out.”
Jocelyn turned her head away and sighed. She needed to say yes. She met Becca’s eyes and nodded.
“Oh good. I’ll get my stuff and tell Gavin to cover for me.”
“Okay. Let me close up shop downstairs. I’ll meet you in the parking lot.”
Twenty minutes later Jocelyn pulled into Becca’s driveway. She had argued with herself about what to tell Becca the entire drive. And three times had almost turned and driven the other direction. But the weight of life hung too heavy, and she needed to share the burden with someone. The only person in the world who knew her better than Becca was Gavin, and she couldn’t talk to him. Although she probably should, she wasn’t ready for that. She had hurt him with the way she’d cut him off, but she didn’t know what else to do. Her hands shook as she grabbed her tote bag and exited the SUV. Becca stood outside the car, waiting.
Jocelyn didn’t try to conceal her growing bump from Becca anymore. It would be obvious soon enough. She had hidden it from everyone up until this point, but it was getting harder. With the baby growing straight out in front, her thin dancer’s frame didn’t give her much room to hide it anymore. Throwing her bag over her shoulder, she walked toward Becca. Becca’s eyes grew, and a smile took over her face.
“Wait, are you pregnant?!”
Jocelyn nodded, but she couldn’t meet Becca’s eyes.
“Congratulations! That’s amazing. I thought… You guys tried for a long time, didn’t you?”
“We did. It’s more complicated than that.”
Becca’s brow furrowed, and she tipped her head to the side.
“I’ll tell you, but let’s go inside first.”
“Sure thing, hun.”
They went into the house and Becca grabbed two glasses of water from the kitchen before joining Jocelyn on the couch. Only then did Becca pressed her for more information. “So, what’s going on? I’m excited for you, but you don’t seem as happy as I expected. This is a miracle, right? I thought you weren’t able to get pregnant.”
The tears welled up in Jocelyn’s eyes. “You’re right. Patrick couldn’t get me pregnant. And I am thrilled, but I’m also scared out of my mind.” The tears pushed their way out of her eyes and ran down her face. Jocelyn set her glass on the coffee table and rubbed her belly. “The baby isn’t Patrick’s.”
“Did—”
“I had an affair.”
“Oh, sweetie.”
“It was so stupid… I don’t know what we were thinking. I knew it was wrong, but I didn’t care. Then when I found out I was pregnant…”
“You knew immediately it wasn’t Patrick’s.”
“Oh, one hundred percent impossible. Becca, only a few people know this, but Patrick moved out over a year ago.”
“I had no idea. Is that why we found him at the cabin last fall?”
Jocelyn nodded. “Exactly. That’s where he’s been living. So even if Patrick wasn’t unable to have kids, I would have known it wasn’t his.”
“Gotcha. Does Patrick know you’re pregnant?”
Jocelyn closed her eyes. “No.” She shook her head. “I don’t know how to tell him. Part of me thinks maybe this could be our chance to be parents. But I have no idea how to talk to him about it.”
“So, the affair is over?”
“Yes.”
“Does the father not want to be involved? Or is he married too?”
“He isn’t married, but… he doesn’t know either. I stopped talking to him when I found out I was pregnant.”
“You stopped talking to a lot of people when you found out.”
Becca’s observation was dead on. Jocelyn hadn’t talked to anyone other than basic pleasantries in months. “Yeah, I guess I did. I’m kind of surprised you noticed with all that’s been going on. Tom’s death and all.”
“How could I not? But you’re talking now.” Becca reached across the couch and squeezed Jocelyn’s shoulder. “I’ve really missed you, Jocelyn.”
She smiled. Becca hadn’t condemned her at all. She hadn’t pressed her to tell her information she wasn’t willing to divulge.
Becca handed her a box of tissues.
“Thanks. I’m so emotional about the whole thing.” Jocelyn plucked one from the box.
“You’re pregnant. That alone will crank up the emotions, but add everything else you’ve been carrying, and I’d be concerned if you weren’t emotional. I’m here for you no matter what. All you have to do is ask.”
“Thank you.” Jocelyn wiped her face with the tissue.
“How far along are you?”
“About eighteen weeks.”
“Almost halfway!”
“I guess so. Hadn’t thought about that.” Jocelyn set her hand her belly. “I’ve only just begun to feel pregnant. I had some nausea early on but nothing too bad.”
“That’s good. Have you felt the baby move yet?”
“I think so.”
“A strange little fluttering feeling?”
“Yeah. Was that the baby?”
“Sounds like it. No matter how this came about, a baby is a blessing. I’ve been there. On my own, unsure if the father of my baby would even want the child. So, I know a lot of what you’re going through.”
Becca had shared her testimony with Jocelyn. She knew Becca wasn’t just trying to be nice.
“But you have something I didn’t have back then. You know the Lord. How is your relationship with God right now?”
Jocelyn snorted a half laugh. “How can I go to Him with this? I know He‘s not pleased with how I got pregnant.”
“No, you’re right. He isn’t. But He is compassionate and gracious. Forgiving and kind. He
forgives you.”
Jocelyn tried to absorb what Becca said. She wanted it to be true and knew it was, but the shame she felt was so intense.
Becca continued, “Remember the story of the prodigal son. The son had sinned against his father, basically spat in his face, but when he came home, when he humbled himself, the father came running to him. All you have to do is turn back to Him, and He will embrace you and sustain you through this.”
“You make it sound so simple.”
“But it is that simple. Not easy, but simple.”
“Definitely not easy…”
Silence fell between the women. Jocelyn wanted to turn to Jesus, but it was so hard. What if she surrendered it all, and everything fell further apart? Wasn’t she the one holding it all together anyway?
Becca’s phone rang. “Sorry. It’s Gavin. I need to take this.” She moved to the other side of the living room.
Jocelyn picked at her fingernail. She was glad Becca hadn’t asked who she’d slept with, but Jocelyn was beginning to question telling Gavin’s partner any of it. What if Becca figured out it was Gavin and said something to him before she could?
Becca turned back toward her. “I’m sorry, Joc. I’ve got to go. Gavin spotted Mr. Bender.”
Jocelyn jumped up. “Where?”
“The Ninth Street McDonald’s. I hate to cut our time short.”
“It’s okay. Thanks for listening.”
“Any time, please.” Becca embraced Jocelyn.
“Thanks. Now go catch that murdering husband.”
CHAPTER TWO
Gavin slid his cell phone back into his pocket and opened the door to the McDonald’s. The restaurant was busier than he’d expect at four in the afternoon. A dozen patrons including two moms and their handful of kids, two elderly women, and three teenage boys filled the room. Plus one more. With no doubt in Gavin’s mind, Ross Bender was standing at the counter ordering. Was the man so brazen as to walk into a McDonald’s and order as if he wasn’t a wanted man?
Gavin walked toward the counter and considered his options. He could approach and ask to speak with Ross outside. He could flash his badge and hope the man wasn’t armed. He could pull his weapon and freak everyone out. At least Becca was on her way along with some uniforms.