I went over and sat on the end of his bed. “It went well. We won.” I took a deep breath. “That’s all well and good, but it’s not what really matters to me. I like winning cases, but what really matters to me is you and your sister. If you guys are hurting, nothing else really matters to me but to make it all better. I don’t know how I can possibly make this all better, but I’m gonna try.”
He shrugged his shoulders. “Mrs. Bowen helped me when I thought that nobody was around for me. Amelia was sick, mom was gone, and you were always at the hospital, with Amelia, or taking her to the doctor, or just worrying about her. It seemed like you didn’t even know that I existed. I was trying to deal with my mom being gone, and I thought that Amelia was going to die, and I just didn’t know what was going on. So I talked to Mrs. Bowen about what was going on. She helped me.” He hung his head. “I don’t hate her. I think she’s very sad. I don’t want her to go to prison. I never wanted any of this to happen.”
I put my hand on his shoulder. “You were very brave to tell me about what she was doing to you. I just wish you would’ve come down to me before it came to you taking a gun to school.”
“I wasn’t going to use it. I just wanted to somebody to hear me. I felt like I was invisible. I just wanted to be visible again.”
Nate was breaking my heart. I knew that he was right – I had been very preoccupied for the past few years. How could I not be? Amelia got sick, and I thought that she was going to die. She got well, then I was charged with my father’s murder, while Sarah was threatening to terminate my parental rights to my own daughter. Then I had to deal with the fallout from that, as Amelia found out that she was not my biological daughter. So I had to make sure that we were good – Amelia and me. Through all this, I was maintaining a full-time job, with lots of high-profile cases to try. I realized that I had prioritized Amelia first, myself and my murder charge second, my job third, and Nate was an afterthought.
Nate was an afterthought. And he knew it. He was a kid – kids always know much more than we think that they know. They usually knew more than the adults. How could Nate not know that he was such a low priority to me? I was so blind, that I had no clue that he was hurting. I mean, I kind of knew that he was hurting, but I didn’t know what to do about it, so I just ignored it.
I ignored him.
I swallowed hard. “Nate, I want you to know something. You’re very important to me. I know that for the past few years, things have been crazy. It hasn’t been your fault at all. It hasn’t been my fault either - at least it wasn’t my fault that Amelia got sick, I was charged with murdering my father, and then Sarah let Amelia know that I’m not her biological dad. None of that was my fault, and it wasn’t your fault either. But I was completely at fault by not prioritizing you and your needs. I know that it has not been easy for you, seeing your sister get so sick, seeing me going through that whole investigation about my father’s murder, seeing your mother take off without a word, and seeing your mother not wanting to have anything to do with you or your sister. I haven’t provided the most stable environment for you. I haven’t been a good father to you. I want to change that. I want to do all I can to make sure that you know how important you are to me.”
He nodded his head. “I’d like that dad.” He hung his head, and then looked at me shyly through his bangs. “Is mom really gone? Is she never coming back?”
“I’m afraid she’s gone. I’ve talked to her about spending time with you guys, but she has her own life now. I’m so sorry, but I think it’s just you and me, kid. You, me, and Amelia. It’s just the three of us.”
I saw tears come to his eyes, and I put my arms around him and hugged him tight. He cried on my shoulder for what seemed like forever. I felt his pain. My heart was breaking, but there wasn’t much that I could do.
All I could do was hold him while he cried, and try to make good on my vow to be a better father for him.
That night, after Nate and I talked for several hours, he went to bed, and I had the guys over. I tried to see them every couple of weeks, to see how they were doing, and make sure that I kept up on their lives. I had put them on the back-burner too, because my life had been so crazy, but they understood.
I was working with Nick and Jack. They both were working with Tom Garrett doing investigations for me and Harper. Tommy was working construction, and Connor was still in school, working toward his social work degree.
The guys came over, bringing a 12 pack of beer. We sat on my porch, drinking beers and watching the fireflies. It was an unseasonably hot October evening, and if it weren’t for the fact that I had a long road ahead with Nate, I probably would’ve felt extremely happy. I won my trial. I was a free man, and that was not at all a sure thing after I was arrested for murdering my dad. Ally and I were getting along well, Amelia was healthy and we had gotten past the whole issue about her not being my biological daughter.
Life should have been good, but it wasn’t. There was always something to worry about, and, at the moment, I was very worried about Nate. I wondered if the damage was done, and there was no coming back. I wondered if he would end up like me, hating the world, and wreaking havoc on those around him. I was going to do all that I could to make sure that that didn’t happen, but what if it was out of my control? What if Nate was more deeply troubled than anybody knew?
“Buddy,” Tommy said, when I told the guys about my talk with Nate. “Get on top of that shit. You can’t let him go down the same path that we all did.”
I nodded my head. “I am going to get on top of it, but how? I have an appointment with a therapist for him, the same therapist who has been our family therapist, but who knows if it’s going to do the trick.”
Connor, the most sensitive of the bunch, took a sip of his beer and put his arm around me. “You’ll figure it out. You’ve always been the smartest one out of all of us.”
“Low bar to clear there,” Nick said with a laugh. “But you’re right, Connor. Damien has always been the smart one. Damien, I wish that we all had a magic bullet, but we don’t. I guess you’re just going to have to play it by ear. Lock up your gun, do all you can to make sure that Nate stays at that school, because the last thing you want to do is uproot him when he’s already having problems, make sure that that Mrs. Bowen stays the fuck away from him, and try to pay more attention to the poor kid. He’s got whiplash, that’s all. He’ll be fine, but only if you make sure that he is.”
I stared at the fireflies while I continued to sip my beer. “You know, when I got out of the joint, and got my law degree at The University of Chicago, I thought that I was on my way. I thought that life had cleared a path for me. The worst was over. I had Sarah, I had two healthy kids, I had my freedom, and I had a bright future. All that shit had happened to me, being wrongfully imprisoned, killing my stepfather, all of that, and I goddamned made it through in one piece.” I shook my head. “What happened? How did it all fall apart again? Why wasn’t my path cleared like I thought that it was?”
It was Jack’s turn to give advice. “It’s life, buddy. Life. It’ll hit you with a 2x4 just when you aren’t ready. Just when you think that you have it all figured out, life will knock you on your ass every damn time. You just have to get back up every time. You never have it made, and the second that you think that you do, you’ll find out just how full of shit you were for ever thinking that.”
I took a deep breath. “You guys ever think about how lucky we all are to not be in prison? I guess I need to look at it all that way. Any day that I have my freedom is a good one. No matter what happens.”
We all took another sip and silently listened to the sounds of distant cars and barking dogs, and watched the fireflies slowly fade with the night, as the sun was starting to come up. It had been a long time since I stayed up all night with the guys, just shooting the shit, but I think that they knew that I needed the company.
They finally left, and I went up to Nate’s room, and watched him sleep. It was around 5 AM, and he di
dn’t need to be in school, so I was going to let him sleep in.
He lost his innocence already, at the age of 10.
But if it were possible to lose your innocence when bad things start to happen, and your parent ignores you when your world is turning upside down, I realized that Nate probably lost his innocence long ago.
And that fucking broke my heart.
Chapter 29
April 1 of this year
“Hello, Emma,” Ava Porter said to her sister. “I guess that the prodigal daughter has finally returned.” She raised her eyebrow at the identical twin sister who she hadn’t seen in some 12 years. Ever since Emma seduced Ava’s husband and ran off with him to Australia, the two hadn’t spoken. The fact that Emma not only did that, but also cut off all contact with the family meant that, for all intents and purposes, Emma had been dead to the family all these years.
Ava crossed her arms, but she felt slightly concerned about her twin sister. Emma wasn’t looking well. At all. She was super-skinny, and her skin didn’t look right. Her eyeballs were yellow, and her skin had a slightly yellow hue as well.
“Ava,” Emma said. “I’m back in the states.”
“I see that.” Ava still was standing in front of Emma, her arms still crossed in front of her defensively. “What’s up with that Australian accent? It’s totally fake, just like you’ve always been.”
“I’ve been living in Brisbane for 12 years,” Emma said. “I picked it up, so sue me.” Emma’s defensiveness echoed Ava’s own. “I told you I was sorry about Christopher.”
“Oh, no. No you didn’t. You were more ‘sorry, not sorry,’ than genuinely sorry. By the way, I found out that Chris left you for another woman. All I can say is karma.”
Emma shook her head. “Maybe I didn’t apologize properly, but I really did feel shame for what I did. Not to mention embarrassment. He really was a wanker, as it turned out, but I was so embarrassed about his leaving me, and I didn’t want to hear ‘I told you so’ from all of you, so I just dropped off the face of the earth. I did, and that wasn’t fair.”
“Damned right, that wasn’t fair.” Ava took a deep breath. “But you’re here now, so…”
Emma nodded her head. “I’m here in the states, because I’m seeing a doctor at the Mayo Clinic.” She hesitated and her hand fluttered to her hair. “A wig,” she said, pointing to her blonde bob. “It looks pretty natural, doesn’t it?”
Ava narrowed her eyes and put her hand on her sister’s hair. “Why do you need a wig?” she asked suspiciously.
Emma swallowed hard. “I’m dying. Pancreatic cancer.”
Ava’s eyes got wide and she touched her mouth in shock. “Emma, if this is an April Fool’s Joke, it’s not funny. Not even funny.” Emma was always a prankster when the two twins were growing up together. But this was one prank that Ava did not find humorous at all.
Emma shook her head. “I wish it were a joke, sis, but it’s not. I haven’t been feeling well for several months. Just rundown, no appetite. I went to see doctor after doctor. Gall stones, they said. Gastritis, they said. I had my gallbladder taken out, and I had exploratory surgery, and nobody could find a thing. I finally got my diagnosis last month, and I’ve been seeking treatment in Minnesota at the Mayo Clinic. There’s not much they can do, though. With chemo, I can live maybe a year. Without it…” She shook her head again. “I could be dead next week.”
The news hit Ava like a ton of bricks. “No.” She shook her head. “No. That’s not fair. I always assumed that you and I would be close again, like we were when we were kids. I thought that we had time to become twins again. Please say that you’re just playing a really sick joke on me. Please…”
“I wish I were joking. More than you can ever know. But I’m not. I’m at peace with it, but I need you to help me. I know that I haven’t earned your help or your compassion, but I don’t have much time. I would love your assistance in helping me die.”
“No. I can’t do that. I can’t-“
Emma put her hands on Ava’s shoulders. “We need to talk about this more. I just wanted to throw it out to you.”
The two twins spent several days together, bonding and reminiscing about good times. It was time to make amends, and Emma knew it. Ava did, as well.
But, after several days, Emma started to vomit pure blood, and Ava suddenly saw just how serious her sister’s condition was. By then, Emma had found out just how toxic Ava’s relationship was with her husband, and just how much Ava was nervous that Silas would stalk her and not leave her alone.
“It was terrible,” Ava said. “When I left him, he was calling me and texting me constantly. He somehow always found out where I was. He tracked me down through my phone, but I got a new phone, and he still would show up at any restaurant I was at. He started fights with my dates all the time, and, by the end of the evening, my date would inform me that he didn’t want to get involved with the drama.”
“Was he physical with you?”
Ava shook her head. “Twice, he was. He beat me twice. I called the cops both times, but he was never arrested. He has more money than God, and he’s very powerful.” She sighed. “I don’t know, Emma. I just don’t think that I’ll ever be able to get away from him. And I need to get away from him. I’ve fallen in love with a golf pro at the country club. His name is David Taylor, and, Emma, he’s the one. Finally, I found somebody to really love. But I just think that Silas won’t ever leave us alone. He won’t let us have any peace. I just know it.”
Emma nodded her head slowly. “I have an idea. If it works, you’ll be rid of Silas for good.”
“What’s your idea?”
“Well, I want you to help me die. Can you possibly get your hands on some Secobarbital?”
“Emma-“
“Ava, please. My vomiting blood yesterday was only the beginning. I’m constantly in excruciating pain. Constantly nauseous. I have to go to the doctor every few days to have fluid drained off of my abdomen. It’s only going to get worse from here. I don’t have a chance to live, Ava. No chance at all. Please, hear me out.”
Ava sat there, waiting for Emma to continue. “I don’t want to do this…”
“Please. Secobarbital is a barbiturate that will help me just go to sleep and never wake up. What if I took a lethal dose, and I took your place and somehow, someway, my death would result in Silas’ being tried for murder? Your murder.”
“I-“
“My death could mean something if I could help you. Let me help you.”
“Let’s not talk about this.”
“Ava, don’t avoid this. Don’t avoid it. I owe you something. I stole your husband and I dropped off the face of the earth. I could help you get rid of Silas for good.”
Ava shook her head. “No.”
Two days later, Ava came around. “Okay. Here’s what you can do. Silas and I are into bondage games. You can pose as me. What if I gave you enough of a dose of a barbiturate that you pass away while he’s having sex with you? You can take the drug, then ask him to put a bag over your head. That’s something that we do all the time. I read about it on the Internet - the combination of a lethal dose of barbiturates and slipping a plastic bag over your head will bring about death. I’ll be outside the dungeon, listening and watching, and, when I know that you have died, I’ll set a wildfire with an accelerant, which will burn your body to the extent that the medical examiner won’t be able to identify the true cause of death and she won’t be able to ever ascertain that it was you who died, and not me.”
Emma was nervous about the idea, but it sounded foolproof. “As long as you are certain that I have died before you set that fire, I will do it.”
And their plan was hatched.
A perfect murder.
But not nearly as perfect as Ava had hoped for.
Chapter 30
Two months later
Silas nervously approached the dilapidated home in South Kansas City. This was something that he had meant to do for many years
, but something always held him back.
It was irrational for him to hate his parents. A part of him always knew that. Yes, they sent him away at the age of 15 to go and live in the UMKC dorm. They couldn’t have possibly known how rejected that made him feel. All that he wanted was for his adoptive parents to love him, but he knew that he was a handful and, looking back, he couldn’t really blame them for sending him away. After all, he was involved in many burglaries when he was very young, although he was never caught for any of it. He also set fires in other neighborhoods.
He was an angry kid. A very angry kid. His father killed his mother, violently and in a fire, and he tried to pin that fire on him, even though he was only 5 years old at the time. His biological mother never held him, never rocked him, never read to him. She ignored him, even when he was a tiny baby. He couldn’t remember any of that, but his therapist uncovered it when he was put under hypnosis, and she was the one who diagnosed him with attachment disorder.
His biological mother rejected him, and then his adoptive parents also rejected him when they sent him away. And he vowed, then and there, that he was done with them. Done. They rejected him, so he rejected them right back.
Yes, his adoptive mother and father went to see him all the time at the dorm. He was able to put on a happy face for them, but he secretly hated them both. He smiled to their faces, took his mother’s cake and cookies and care packages, and then threw all of it in the trash when they left.
Then, he left for Stanford for his PhD, and he never spoke with his parents again. They called and wrote constantly, but he never replied to any of it. They were dead to him.
Now, here he was. At his parents’ house. It was his brush with prison time that finally made him realize that he needed to make amends. He also had dreams, vivid dreams, that were brought about the secret guilt that was eating away at him. Guilt about how he treated his adoptive parents.
Secrets and Lies Page 18