“How did it go?”
“It was hard. I’m not used to talking about what happened. I felt so…so broken as I shared some of what went on over there. I didn’t even talk about the worst of it, and still it felt like my broken pieces broke even further.” She gave a hiccupping sob. “I’m such a mess.”
“You’re not so broken that you can’t be fixed, Hannah,” Ryan said. “God’s greatest work is in putting back together our broken lives.”
Hannah didn’t respond right away, but her fingers tightened around his. “I don’t think I’m strong enough to do this.”
“You’re the strongest person I know,” Ryan told her, completely believing his own words. “You survived and kept your faith when many others would have crumbled and turned their back on God. And now you’re putting your life back together. For yourself and for Jason.” He sandwiched her hand between both of his. “You don’t have to do it alone. I want to help you. To be there for you.”
“Why? Why do you want to help me? I’m not your responsibility.”
Ryan wanted to say the words, but in her current state, would she be receptive to them? He wasn’t ready for rejection just yet, and he was fairly certain that would be her response. “I don’t look at you as a responsibility. Not you and not Jason. Responsibility makes it seem like I’m only taking care of you because I have to, and that’s just not the case.”
“We’ve been nothing but a burden to you and your family.”
Ryan shook his head even though he knew she couldn’t see him. “Never that. My parents have always believed that God gives us opportunities, not burdens. God knew that I needed you.” This time it was his hand tightening around hers. “I needed you, Hannah. When I woke up in that cell, I was despairing of ever being released. But instead of darkness, I woke up to someone reminding me that God is my light. You became my little ray of sunshine in the midst of a dark, dark time. Don’t ever discount that you have helped me. More than you’ll probably ever know.”
Hannah didn’t say anything, but she didn’t try and pull away from him either, so he counted that as a win.
“All you see right now is how others are helping you, and you’re feeling like a burden, but you’re not. You’ll never be a burden. I…we care about you a great deal.”
There was still no immediate response from Hannah, but then she began to sing, softly. And for a few minutes, they were back in that cell together. But this time, there was no fear. No uncertainty of their future. No worry about what they would eat.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
let this blest assurance control:
that Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
and has shed his own blood for my soul.
It is well with my soul; it is well with my soul.
it is well, it is well with my soul.
She only sang the one verse, but as usual with the songs she picked, the words reached deep into his heart. Though he’d always appreciated the songs they’d sung at church, hearing these hymns from Hannah as she’d sung them in the darkest time of her life, gave the words so much more meaning.
They sat for a while longer in the darkness. In the silence. Ryan searched for words to say, but in the end, he had none. At least none that he felt she would accept hearing.
Eventually, he heard Hannah take a deep breath, and her hand tightened one more time. “I need to see Jason.”
“Of course,” Ryan said then he released her hand and pushed himself up from the floor. He helped her to her feet then guided her through the darkness to the door.
Light poured in, and Ryan blinked against the brightness. As they left the room, Hannah pulled her hand from his, and though he didn’t want to, Ryan let her fingers slide from his grasp.
Hannah headed down the stairs while Ryan followed more slowly. By the time he reached the kitchen, Hannah had Jason in her arms. As he looked at the two of them, Ryan was grateful to see that the shattered look on her face had eased. He didn’t think for a minute that their conversation would suddenly make everything easy for Hannah, but he hoped that she realized that she wasn’t on this journey on her own.
She’d have to be the brave one, facing down the memories that still haunted her dreams, but they would all be right there beside her and behind her, offering support and love.
One step at a time.
One day at a time.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
Life fell into a new pattern for Hannah over the next several weeks. Three times a week, she went to therapy with the psychologist that Max had recommended for her. Those mornings were the toughest, leaving her emotionally wrung out and physically exhausted. And more often than not, she questioned why she bothered going. She felt like counseling wouldn’t work, that there were just too many difficult memories, too many broken pieces, so that she would never be whole again.
She couldn’t deny, however, that the nightmares hadn’t been as bad since she’d started counseling. And when they did come, she found herself able to deal with them better by utilizing the coping mechanisms the psychologist had taught her. Most of the time, she was grateful that she had those coping mechanisms, but there were times, she resented the fact that she needed them.
What had shocked her about her therapy sessions hadn’t been how difficult it was to deal with the memories of her time in captivity, but rather how emotionally devastating it was to face the life she had lived before being kidnapped. The solitary life she’d led prior to leaving for Afghanistan. The life she’d endured knowing that the one parent who loved her was gone and that she’d been left with a parent who hadn’t wanted her. Who had barely tolerated her. All because she’d been born a girl, and her mother had seen her as a rival for her husband’s affections.
That had only been reinforced in her mom’s mind when, upon his death, she had discovered that he’d set up a trust fund that would provide for Hannah’s education and more once she turned eighteen. In what could only be called a fit of rage, her mom had used what money he had left her—separate from what he’d left Hannah—for drugs and alcohol. Unfortunately, that had been the first step on a downward spiral for both their lives.
Though she’d always be grateful for the way her dad had provided for her, Hannah still wished that her mom could have loved her. That she could have been confident enough in her husband’s love for her—because Hannah had no doubt her dad had loved her mom as deeply as any man had ever loved his wife—to love the daughter their love had created.
Delving into all that was an unexpected detour that Hannah hadn’t wanted to take, even though the psychologist insisted—in her gentle way—that dealing with those memories was fundamental to putting the past to rest and moving forward. So she’d given in and allowed the woman to guide her through the memories that held the start of her heartbreak.
“Are you sure you’re ready for this?” Ryan asked as he cupped a large mug of coffee between his hands.
It was mid-morning with just the two of them at the breakfast nook. A baby monitor sat beside her on the table since Jason was upstairs in the nursery taking a nap. Hannah was trying to not nap in the morning anymore. If she felt the need, though, she would lie down in the afternoon when Jason napped. It was progress…small progress, but progress nonetheless.
Hannah looked out the large windows beside the table. It was almost April, and they had had a few warmer days. The snow would start to melt soon, but in the meantime, they were bracing themselves for more of the white stuff. This would hopefully be their last snow storm.
“I’m sure. I’ve spoken to her once already, and she seems genuinely interested in helping me share my story.”
It had taken longer than she’d anticipated to meet with the blogger because counseling had taken precedence for a while. But now, now she wanted to share her story. She felt strong enough.
“I’m just worried,” Ryan said as he lifted his mug and took a sip.
“I’ll be fine,” Hannah assure
d him, watching as his brows drew together.
He’d been beside her through so much. Though he hadn’t been in the counseling sessions with her, he’d dealt with the aftermath. Helping her with Jason. Taking the time to listen when she’d wanted to talk. Just sitting with her when she didn’t.
Sometimes she’d wondered…she’d see a look in his eyes that would make her wonder. But could she trust what she thought she saw? Most of the times she thought it was all in her mind. That she was seeing what she wanted to see. After all, what woman wouldn’t want to be loved by a man like Ryan McFadden.
But the rare moments when she thought that he might love her were far overshadowed by the moments where she knew without a doubt that he didn’t. That he couldn’t. Of all the women in his life, she really couldn’t be the best one for him. He deserved someone without the large amount of baggage she carried. Even if it was being unpacked slowly but surely with the aid of the psychologist, she was still left with all of it hanging in a walk-in closet the size of a small house.
“Did you want me to sit with you during the interview?”
Hannah shook her head. “No. You didn’t want to do an interview, and if you’re there, she’ll want to ask you questions too.” She gave him a reassuring smile. “I can do this.”
Ryan nodded as he shifted in his seat, his gaze dropping to the cup he held. “Listen. I want to talk to you about something.”
Watching him, Hannah sucked in a quick breath. She knew what was coming, had braced herself for it, but at that moment, the pit forming in her stomach told her that she wasn’t prepared at all for what he was about to say.
“I’ve been working remotely for the past couple of weeks, but I’ve been in talks with Alex and Marcus about returning to work in Minneapolis full-time.” Ryan lifted his mug, their gazes meeting over the top of it as he took another sip. “I told them I’d consider it.”
“I’m surprised they’ve waited this long to ask you back to work.” Hannah smiled, hoping it didn’t look as shaky as it felt. “I’m sure that one of the main reasons you’ve stayed here this long is because you feel responsible for Jason and me. You need to get back to your normal life.”
She felt like she deserved a pat on the back for being able to get those words out without faltering. It was a good thing she had learned to master her expressions early in her life because Ryan was searching her face as if he was trying to decide if she was being sincere or not.
“Well, that is partially true. I’ve also done it for my family’s sake. And mine too, of course.” He took another sip of his coffee. “But you’re right. I do need to get back to my job. My life, on the other hand… Well, it feels like that’s here.”
“When are you leaving?” Hannah asked.
“Soon.” Ryan cleared his throat. “I was wondering. Is there any chance…”
When he hesitated, Hannah said, “Any chance of what?”
“Any chance that you’d want to come with me?”
“What?” Hannah stared at Ryan, taking in his earnest expression. A small part of her was dancing with joy at the prospect of what he was saying, but a much larger part was violently shaking its head.
“I…you…you and Jason have become very important to me. I find that I’m struggling with the idea of leaving you here.”
“I can’t just go with you, Ryan.” Emotion bubbled up within her, but Hannah kept a tight lid on it. “It’s not like I can move there and get a job. That’s just not possible.”
“It would be possible,” Ryan said, lifting his gaze to meet hers. “If we were to uh…change the nature of our relationship in the near future to something more…serious. Like if we got engaged.”
Hannah gave a shake of her head. “No.”
Ryan’s brows drew together. “No? Just like that?”
“How do you jump from what we have now to being engaged?” Hannah asked.
“It doesn’t have to happen right away, but it’s hard to imagine my life without you in it.” He reached across the table to touch her hand. “You mean so much to me, Hannah.”
“You mean a lot to me too, but you deserve better than me and the mess that is my life.”
This time it was Ryan who shook his head. “Don’t you think I’m the best judge of what I deserve?”
Hannah swallowed hard against the emotion rising within her. She couldn’t let Ryan see how hard this was for her. If she faltered at all, they’d both spend the rest of their lives regretting it.
“We both deserve to be happy, Ryan, and I don’t think that’s possible together.”
“Why would you say that?”
Hannah looked back out the window, noticing as she did that the snow had started to fall. “Because you don’t deserve someone with the issues I have to deal with.”
“We all have issues, Hannah. Plus, you’ve been working on yours. Surely they’re not going to stand in the way of your future.”
The discussion was starting to eat away at Hannah, particularly because she could see in Ryan’s eyes that he really did think they could make a relationship work. She wanted to give in to that belief, that hope, but he didn’t know all of what she was dealing with.
Tears pricked at her eyes, but she blinked them back. “I am trying to work on them, but I have so far to go, Ryan. So far. It’s going to take time. Maybe a lifetime. I don’t know. All I do know is that I’m not going to saddle you with me.”
“I can’t…” Ryan cleared his throat then took another drink from his mug. “I feel like we’ve gotten so close. Not just during our time in the cell, but in the weeks we’ve spent here. I wish you’d at least consider giving us a chance. Maybe you’d be surprised.”
Oh, she wanted to give them a chance. Wanted to be surprised. But more than that, she wanted the man she loved to be free to find a love that would be easy and unencumbered. After all he’d done for her and Jason, it was the least she could do for him.
The time she’d spent with his family had shown her how deep and abiding the love was among each and every couple she’d met. Though Hannah didn’t doubt the depth of what she felt for Ryan, she wasn’t sure she’d be able to show that to him adequately. He’d had many years to watch a great example of how love should be shared between two people. She, on the other hand, had no such experience.
“Maybe you just need time,” Ryan said. “I can give you that. I’m willing to wait.”
Hannah shook her head. “Don’t wait for me, Ryan. Don’t…” She swallowed and tightened her grip on her mug. “Don’t miss out on a future with a great woman because you’re waiting around for the possibility of a future with…a not-so-great one.”
“Don’t,” Ryan growled, the intensity in his voice making her look up and meet his gaze. “Don’t ever say that about yourself, Hannah. You…you’re a wonderful woman. A terrific mom. And the best friend a person could ask for. There is nothing about you that makes you a not-so-great woman. Don’t ever say that again.”
Hannah swiped at the tear that made its escape down her cheek. No one had ever defended her. Not even against herself. Ryan seemed ready to place himself between her and anyone ready to harm her, either in word or in deed. Why couldn’t she just accept what he offered?
Because she never again wanted to be the cause of someone’s unhappiness.
That answer came to her in a flash, and along with it came a memory.
“Why couldn’t you have been a boy?” The words might have come out of her mother’s mouth slurred, but they were sharp as a knife. As were the ones that followed. “I wanted a boy. Never a girl.”
Hannah clutched her binder to her chest, wishing she could escape. But where could she go? For what felt like the millionth time, she’d been taken out of foster care and reunited with her mom. She’d learned the reason why her mom jumped through hoops to get her back two years ago. Having custody of her meant that she got a monthly cheque from the government. Money. It was always about money.
“If it weren’t for you, I’d b
e happy. Your dad would still be here. We’d be happy.” Her mom’s blurry gaze met hers, a familiar anger tightening her features, aging her. “If only you hadn’t been born.”
There was no way Hannah ever wanted to hear those words from Ryan. If it weren’t for you, I’d be happy. She didn’t know how to keep someone happy. It would be enough for her to try and keep Jason happy. But Ryan? Something told her that, in the end, she would never be enough to keep him happy.
It was better to spare them both that heartache.
“I’m sorry,” Hannah said then she pushed back from the table and, on legs that felt shaky and weak, she made her way out of the room.
She knew it was fear that drove her away from Ryan, but along with that fear was the fierce desire for his happiness.
Even if it wasn’t with her.
“Are you sure it’s time already?” his mom asked as they stood together just outside the entrance to the security line at the airport. “It’s been so good to have you home. I hate to think of you not being here every day to hug and to feed.”
Ryan tried to smile, but it was just too hard. Never before had a goodbye felt so difficult. Not even when he’d headed off for basic training. He’d said goodbye countless times before heading back to Minneapolis, but this time felt much harder. Maybe it was because this was the first time since the last goodbye he’d said before his kidnapping. Or maybe it was because it was the first time he’d ever said goodbye to Hannah and Jason.
Instead of trying for a smile, Ryan pulled his mom into his arms and held her tight. “I’m not that far away, Mom. And I won’t be going on any missions.”
“You’ll come back soon and visit?” his dad asked as he rested a hand on his shoulder. “Your mom’s right. It’s been so good having you home.”
Ryan stepped back and tried again to smile, not wanting to leave his mother without that. “It’s been good to be home, but I have a job I need to get back to. I’ve put it off long enough.”
“Take care of yourself, son,” his dad said as he gave him a quick hug. “Let us know when you arrive.”
A Little Ray of Sunshine: A Christian Romance (The Callaghans & McFaddens Book 7) Page 27