by Nella Tyler
“Yes,” I nodded.
“I’m sorry,” he said, and his tone was sincere and sympathetic. “This must be a hard time for you and Chase.”
Strangely, the words “you and Chase” hit me in a way that I’d not expected. It felt wrong somehow, as though the words didn’t go together. I realized it was because it didn’t feel like we were together much lately. Chase seemed to want to canvas through his grief alone, and I didn’t want to push him, so I let him be.
The distance was starting to wear on me, though. I was starting to worry obsessively – not just for Chase, but also for the state of our relationship. I hadn’t told anyone about my pregnancy, not even Beth. When she had called to ask about it, I had lied and told her that the test had come up negative.
My feelings about it were confusing to say the least. A part of me wanted to be happy, but I just felt as though I needed Chase’s approval first, before I could celebrate. It didn’t seem fair to tell him now when he was so bogged down by Braden’s death, so I had put off the moment until he emerged from the fog.
The problem was that I couldn’t really see him making much progress. He was distant and sometimes even cold. He was prone to bursts of irritation peppered by little moments of intimacy that never lasted very long. He had me teetering on an emotional seesaw, and I wasn’t equipped to handle it for much longer.
“We’ll be okay,” I said, feigning confidence before I changed the subject. The whole reason I liked to spend time with Jeremy was because he was light, fun, and easy to talk to. “So, I know this is a tired question, but what are your plans after graduation?”
He smiled as we walked through campus together. “My plans are pretty boring actually. I’m going to be a venture capitalist, just like my father.”
“No way,” I said.
“It’s not all that impressive when you consider I’m inheriting my father’s legacy as opposed to building one of my own.”
I smiled. “I think it’s very impressive. Your father wouldn’t have turned the reigns over to you if he didn’t think you were up for the challenge.”
Jeremy gave me a modest shrug and I laughed. “You’ll do great,” I said.
“You know, you could be my first client,” Jeremy said with one raised eyebrow.
“Oh?”
“You want to start up your own gym, don’t you?” he asked.
“Well, yes. Eventually,” I nodded.
“Well, I’m in the business of starting up new businesses,” he replied. “This could be a perfect marriage for both of us.”
I felt my palms get a little bit sweaty as I started to wonder if there was an ulterior motive behind Jeremy’s offer. He liked to flirt, but he had been so persistent in my case that I had begun to suspect his flirting was a means to an end.
“Hmm. I’ll have to think about it,” I said gently.
“What’s to think about?” he exclaimed. “I’m giving you a golden ticket here.”
“Are there strings that come with this golden ticket?” I asked pointedly.
He batted his eyes at me. “Whatever do you mean?” he asked innocently.
“Jeremy.”
He laughed. “You’ll have to have dinner with me,” he said without hesitation.
“I have a boyfriend,” I reminded him. “Or have you forgotten that already?”
“Dammit,” he sighed. “Why on Earth did you have to get yourself all tied down at, like, eleven years old? It’s not right. It’s not healthy. You’re young and beautiful. You should have stayed single all these years and waited for me.”
“Sorry,” I said with a small laugh.
“Seriously, though,” Jeremy said as his tone took on a more serious tilt. “You’ve been with him so long; don’t you ever feel like you missed out?”
“Missed out?” I repeated. “On what?”
“On life?”
“I didn’t miss out on a thing,” I said somewhat defensively. “I lived every moment to the fullest; I just had a partner by my side the whole time.”
“Exactly,” he said punching his fist in the air as though I had made his point for him. “You never got to flirt with guys, or make out with random strangers at parties, or sleep with anyone else…or…or other things single people do.”
I laughed. “It’s all about perspective. If I wanted to do any of those things, I was happy to do them with Chase,” I said firmly. “He was and is my soul mate. I got it right the first time. I count myself lucky.”
“I’m not going to be able to convince you otherwise, am I?” Jeremy asked only half joking.
I smiled. “Nope.”
He sighed dramatically to gloss over the seriousness of the moment. “Well, the offer still stands,” he said. “If you need some start-up capital, you can always call me.”
Now that the offer was free of expectations, I was happy to give it some serious consideration. I liked the idea of getting Jeremy’s help because it meant I would need to take less money from Chase. I knew he wouldn’t mind in the slightest, but it meant something to me to start my business up on my own.
“Maybe we can set up a meeting in the future?” I suggested.
“Sounds good,” Jeremy nodded.
“Would you mind if I brought Chase along?” I asked.
Jeremy laughed. “Of course, you have to bring him. How could I pass up the chance to meet my arch rival?”
I had to laugh, too, and in that moment, I genuinely wished Jeremy had absolutely no feelings for me. It would have meant we could be friends without me having to worry about sending him the wrong signals all the time.
“Keep in touch after graduation,” Jeremy said as we closed in on the parking lot.
“I’ll try,” I nodded.
“No, I mean it,” he said emphatically. “Everyone always says that they’re going to keep in touch, but it never really happens.”
I turned to Jeremy and smiled seeing that he genuinely meant it. I had no choice. “I promise I will try and stay in touch,” I told him.
“Well, that’s good enough for me,” Jeremy nodded as he walked me to the car. “Say hi to the boyfriend for me.”
“Thanks, Jeremy,” I said. “I will.”
I pulled out of my parking space, waved, and then drove home in a flurry of thought. I hadn’t really thought about my plans after graduation in a while. I had been so consumed by Braden’s death, the funeral, and then Chase’s downward spiral that it had barely registered that my graduation was on the horizon. The excitement that had engulfed me before had dissipated now. It felt as though the only thing that would excite me now was to see Chase looking like his old self again.
I had just started the drive when my phone started ringing. I pulled the car over and picked up my cell phone. It was Chase and immediately, my heart froze in panic. I hesitated only a moment before I picked up.
“Hello?”
“Lauren?” his voice was different. It was the voice he used when he wanted to talk about something uncomfortable.
“Yes, I’m here,” I said quickly. “Is something wrong?”
“No…nothing’s wrong,” he replied, but he didn’t sound so sure, and that just amped up my nerves. “I just need to talk to you – urgently.”
I felt my stomach plummet and I swallowed hard. “Okay. You can’t tell me what it is over the phone?” I asked cautiously.
“No,” he said evenly. “This requires a face-to-face conversation.”
I sighed and nodded. Then realizing Chase couldn’t see me, I said, “I’ll be there in ten minutes.”
“Great,” he replied before hanging up.
I stared down at my cell phone for a moment. My immediate thought was that he knew about the baby. One of the pregnancy tests I’d taken had rolled out of the tissue I had wrapped it in. That must be the reason for this urgent conversation of his.
I started to freak out as I started driving again. Would he be angry I hadn’t told him myself? Would he be happy we were going to have a baby, or would Braden’s loss ove
rshadow the moment? Would he even want the baby? I felt my nerves ratchet up a notch and my palms started to feel sweaty. I wiped them off on my jeans before I placed my hands back on the steering wheel.
I needed to walk in to the apartment and be calm. Maybe he was happy? Maybe he just wanted to discuss our newly forming future. A baby would change a lot of things, but the overwhelming majority of it would be good…right? After all, this was our baby. Sure, we hadn’t planned to start a family so soon. The plan had been nailed down since we were in high school.
We were going to build our careers first, we were going to focus on getting ourselves a real home, and once we were stable enough, we would get married and start a family in a year or so. That was the plan, and it was a good one.
Despite how perfectly everything had been mapped out, despite how close we had been to treading that map, I still couldn’t help but feel happy about the baby. So it was happening a little sooner than expected; it didn’t matter. In my book, that was an adventure.
By the time I reached the apartment, I was doing a lot better. My nerves were still there, but I had managed to calm myself down. I took a deep breath and walked inside to find Chase pacing between the television and our microscopic kitchen. His expression was tense with worry and the calm I thought I had snatched a few moments ago slipped away at the sight of his face.
“Chase?” I said as I closed the door behind me.
“Lauren,” he said turning to me.
“I can explain,” I said abruptly without thinking.
He stopped short and wrinkled his eyebrows at me. “What? No… I need to tell you something.”
I breathed an internal sigh of relief as I realized that he didn’t know about the baby yet. Whatever this was, it didn’t have anything to do with my pregnancy.
“Go for it,” I told him.
Chapter Twelve
Chase
She is so beautiful. That was my first thought as I approached Lauren and took her hand. That was my only thought as I led her to the sofa and we sat down together beside one another. Her expression was completely confused as I tried to figure out how to start this conversation.
I looked up at her, and her green eyes were boring into mine. Her hair was pushed back over her shoulders so that I could see the milky skin of her neck and shoulder blades. I loved kissing that spot and wondered how I was going to get through the next four years without doing so.
“Chase,” Lauren’s voice was gentle. “You’re starting to scare me; what’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong,” I insisted again, though it felt like a lie on my tongue.
“Okay, then tell me.”
“Do you remember the first day we met?” I asked, going off the script I had perfected in my head for the last hour.
She raised her eyebrows but she answered me a moment later. “Of course I remember,” she nodded. “I was the new kid, and you were assigned to show me around.”
“I wasn’t assigned,” I replied. “I volunteered.”
She nodded, aware of the story. “You saw me go into the principal’s office with my mother earlier that day.”
“And I thought you were the prettiest girl I’d ever seen,” I continued. “Still do, in fact.”
Lauren smiled and I saw that she was beginning to relax a little. That made me sad for a moment, but I couldn’t dwell; I had to push through. “It took me a few months to work up the courage to kiss you, but when I finally did—”
“It was the perfect first kiss,” Lauren said.
I laughed. “As I recall, our noses bumped together.”
“Whatever,” Lauren said, waving away that little detail. “I still thought it was pretty perfect.”
“Do you remember when it happened?”
“Your parents took us to see the circus,” she replied. “It was the first one we’d ever been to.”
“All my firsts have been with you,” I pointed out. “Every significant moment in my life has been with you. I look back at every key memory and you’re there somewhere, either in the forefront or the periphery.”
“That’s what happens when you’ve been together for as long as we have,” she pointed out.
“Yeah,” I nodded. “Yeah.”
“Chase?”
“We’ve been together since we were kids,” I interrupted her. “And in my mind, we’ll always be together…always.”
My words took her off guard because the smile on her face dropped immediately and she stared at me as though she couldn’t understand what I was saying.
“I love you, Lauren,” I continued. “You know you are the most important person in the world to me, right?”
She was starting to look more and more alarmed as I continued to speak. Her eyes lost their contented gleam and suspicion began to take its place. I hated seeing the uncertainty in her eyes, but it wasn’t as though I could make certain assurances.
I was saying goodbye. This was my way of telling her that, but it felt like something altogether different. It felt like a breakup, and that was the last thing I had intended to make it sound like.
“Lauren, I—”
Before I could say another word, she jumped up from the sofa and rushed into our bedroom. Alarmed, I ran after her, only to find her in the bathroom throwing up into the toilet. I had no idea if this was the illness she had been battling the last few days or if this was just a bad reaction to my words. Regardless, I knelt next to her and pulled her hair back while I rubbed her spine soothingly. After a while, she pulled back, but she refused to look at me.
“Are you all right?” I asked with concern.
“Give me a second,” she said and I nodded, thinking she wanted me to be quiet for a little while. I stayed by her side continuing to rub her back.
“No,” she said with effort. “I need you to give me a moment.”
Realizing she wanted to be left alone, I got up and walked back into the hall. I started pacing instinctively, but my thoughts were clouded and confused. When I had rehearsed my speech in my head, it had all been so clear. I wanted to tell her that enlisting was something I had to do, and I couldn’t bear to bring her with me and put her in danger. I wanted her to stay here, and we would find a way to make it work.
Somehow those words didn’t seem enough, though. They seemed like a weak attempt to make excuses for why I was running away so abruptly. I kept pacing as my mind travelled to the moment years ago when Braden had told me he had enlisted in the military.
“Are you serious?” I had demanded. “You could die over there!”
He had smiled seriously and nodded. “I’m not going to lie – it’s a possibility. But this is just something I have to do.”
“Why?” I had asked.
“Because every man has a duty in life,” Braden had replied. “We are all born to fulfill some purpose. Sometimes that purpose is becoming husbands or fathers, sometimes that purpose is looking after our parents, and sometimes that purpose is fighting for your country and protecting your people.”
“Have you told Mom and Dad?” I had asked.
“I told them downstairs a little while ago,” he had nodded.
“And?”
“Dad was proud, Mom was…well, she’ll come around,” Braden had smiled in that deeply knowing way of his.
“She’ll be scared.”
“I know,” he had replied. “And trust me, I took that into consideration. I didn’t just make this decision on a whim, Chase. I really thought about it. I’ve been thinking about it for a year now. I was old enough to enlist last year, but I wanted to make sure it was the right decision. Now, I’m certain of it.”
I had been only fourteen at the time, but even my fourteen-year-old self had registered what a huge and noble thing it was that Braden was doing. He was a hero, even if he didn’t totally believe it yet. I had been scared, just like my mother, but I was proud, too, and in the end, that pride had outweighed the fear.
“You’ll come back, right?” I had asked him.
“Of course I’ll come back,” Braden had nodded. “Any time I get leave, I’ll be flying over to spend time with you guys.”
I had nodded, somewhat satisfied. “How long do you want to stay with the military?” I had asked, wanting to know how long I would lose my brother for.
“Four years to begin with,” Braden had replied. “But, I might choose to extend my term of duty. I intend to make the military my career.”
“What about becoming a doctor?” I had asked. “You always said you were interested in medicine.”
“It wasn’t really medicine,” he had clarified. “I wanted to help people, and I realized recently that there are other ways of helping people. I’ve spoken to a lot of people, Chase; you don’t have to worry about me making a mistake. I know what I’m doing.”
I had nodded. “I’m proud of you.”
Braden had smiled and punched me in the arm. “So does that mean I have your blessing?”
“Of course,” I had nodded. “I only wish I could enlist with you.”
Braden had smiled. “You have a few more years to think about it, but things are different for you.”
“What do you mean?”
“You have Lauren,” he had said with a wink. “She’s a great girl. I wouldn’t run the risk of ruining things with her by leaving for four years.”
“I’d just take her with me,” I had replied confidently.
Braden laughed. “I doubt she’d be happy with that arrangement.”
“No, she would,” I had insisted. “If I told her I wanted to enlist, she would say she wanted to come with me. I know it.”
“You know it, huh?” he had asked.
“I’m as sure about that as you are about joining the military,” I had replied, and Braden’s eyebrows had risen.
“You and Lauren have something special,” he had said. “Despite how young you both are, I can tell.”
I was so engrossed in the memory that I almost felt as though I was back in my childhood room surrounded by piles of dirty laundry and posters of old NFL football stars. That memory of Braden was so clear that I could almost forget he was no longer apart of the living world. He was someplace else – somewhere I could no longer reach him.