by Nella Tyler
AliceWonderland: I’m sorry to hear that. There’s no way to prepare for those things. I work for a small company that does data analysis, and things like you are describing happen fairly regularly, believe it or not.
StephenD: What are you looking for on here?
AliceWonderland: I know this sounds like I’m dodging your question, but I wish I knew. I don’t think it’s so much a matter of what I’m looking for – obviously I’m aiming for the perfect guy and the perfect relationship. I’m widowed and just now putting myself out there again. Sometimes the lines between what you’re looking for and who you’re looking for get blurred. Does that make sense?
StephenD: Absolutely. I’ve dated a couple of ladies who I thought met my list of preferences almost completely. Then we met face-to-face, and they were nothing like I had expected. Oh, they were nice enough and they hadn’t lied about themselves – it was all on my end. What I thought I wanted and evidently what I really want are two different things.
AliceWonderland: Do you ever ask yourself if you are too picky? I don’t mean that in an insulting way, but I’ve read through some of these profiles and ruled people out based on less significant qualities such as height, religion, likes, and dislikes. To be quite honest, I think I’m looking for my husband again. Obviously, that’s not going to happen and perhaps if my husband had been a short man who was Catholic and liked to eat pickled eggs, I might be here looking for exactly that. Does that make sense?
StephenD: I’m short, Catholic, and I like pickled eggs. Do I have a shot?
Mackenzie sat back, deciding whether he was teasing or not. This world of soundless speaking definitely had its disadvantages. She decided to change the subject.
AliceWonderland: I think sometimes people become better acquainted when they exchange their weaknesses. Do you happen to have one you’d like to tell me about?
StephenD: I’m guessing that means other than liking pickled eggs and loving taller women?
She had to admit this guy had a sense of humor. She rather liked it.
AliceWonderland: Okay, just how short are you?
StephenD: Only six foot-three.
AliceWonderland: Well, then you’re out of luck, I’m afraid. I’m not taller than you.
They were enjoying their playful banter, yet there was an almost subliminal restraint as each one tried to decide where to take the conversation. Mackenzie could feel a sense of things going too quickly. Perhaps that was what had gone wrong with Bill.
AliceWonderland: I’ve enjoyed talking with you, Stephen. I’m logging off now and make some dinner. Perhaps we can chat again another time?
StephenD: As a matter of fact, I would like that. Have a good evening.
What just happened? Mackenzie asked herself. I just engaged in a conversation with someone who is obviously intelligent and witty, and I enjoyed the time we shared talking. So, why did I just cut him off like that? What was I afraid of?
She knew the answer. She knew that the conversation would get a little deeper, they might make plans to talk again the next day, but she knew that eventually, he would invite her to meet with him. She was still stinging from Bill’s rejection and realized it had bruised her ego.
This whole online dating for a had become an opportunity for her to put herself forward, but at the same time, she had made herself vulnerable. These men were not her husband. They did not know her, weren’t able to allow for her insecurities or to appreciate her better qualities. They were taking her simply at face value, and not even that – they were taking her at the value of her words.
Just out of curiosity, Mackenzie logged back into her account and reopened the messages and conversation she had shared. Trying to use an objective perspective, she read her words as though she hadn’t said them originally. It was with no little embarrassment, that she realized that she sounded pompous, unfriendly, hypercritical, and even a bit immature. Was this who she really was or was this the nature of talking to someone online only?
She got up from the computer and went into the living room, flipping on the television. She had a great deal to think about.
While she didn’t want to be overly analytical, she had to face the fact that the person she was in an online environment was not the person she believed herself to be in a real-world environment. Therefore, it was fair to assume that anyone she would meet online would not be the right person because she had not been herself when she met them. She was doomed to failure.
That’s when it occurred to her that if she was behaving this way, there was a good chance other people were behaving in the same manner. Therefore, the entire atmosphere was fabricated. Am I crazy? she asked herself. What am I doing in that make-believe world?
Chapter Nine
Mackenzie was early to work the next morning. Lucy spotted it the moment she walked through the door.
“What went wrong?” she was drawn to Mackenzie’s desk like a magnet.
“What makes you think something went wrong?”
“It’s all over your face. I know disappointment when I see it,” Lucy said. Her knowing look grated upon Mackenzie’s nerves.
“I really don’t want to talk about it right this second, okay?” she snapped and was instantly sorry again. “Look, this is a sensitive topic for me and I’m not handling it too well. I’m sorry if I snap at you.”
“I’m only concerned for your welfare, you know,” Lucy pouted. “You don’t have anyone to look after you.”
Mackenzie patted her arm. “I know you are. It’s just rough for me.”
“You know where I am, right?” Lucy’s voice was motherly.
Mackenzie nodded and sat down to her work. Lucy, disappointed in her treasure hunting, returned to her desk, but kept a watchful eye on Mackenzie.
“Hey, how’s it going?” Lucy called out and Mackenzie looked to see her talking to someone over the office cubicle divider.
Tim Cooper’s head suddenly appeared over the top. He grinned at Lucy and then winked at Mackenzie.
“How’s it going there, pretty lady?” he asked her.
“Hi, Tim. Going? Well, you know…” she tried to sidestep the question.
“Indeed, I do… Indeed I do.” He leaned a bit closer. “How’s the dating going?”
“Miserable,” she burst and a tear formed in her eye.
Tim looked at her thoughtfully. He bent low again. “Listen. On your lunch break, meet me outside in that little park next to the building. I’ll bring sandwiches, and we’ll have a talk.”
Mackenzie looked up and nodded. “Thank you. I could use your opinion.”
He patted her arm consolingly and went on to lightly flirt with Lucy, who was primed to expect it. Tim was thoughtful enough to position himself between Lucy and Mackenzie so as to give her privacy to dab her eyes. Lucy was twittering on about some new gossip in the office and the supervisor was giving her the evil eye, so Tim eventually moved on and went in to talk to him – ostensibly his reason for coming in the first place.
When lunchtime came, Mackenzie headed for the park and found Tim sitting at one of the three picnic tables. There were three boxes in front of him and he had covered that section of the table with some paper towels. He stood as she approached.
“Hello, pretty lady. I hope you won’t mind dining al fresco this afternoon or our tablecloth of recycled trees, but I’m afraid it’s the best I could do, unless of course the carpet from my trunk would suit you better?”
She laughed. “No, this will do quite nicely, thank you!”
He motioned for her to sit down and handed her two of the boxes. “Corned beef or tuna fish?”
“You pick. Makes no difference to me.”
Tim took one box back. “I’ll take the corned beef then. I was sort of hoping you were going to say that since the tuna fish smelled good in the deli, but as I walked back, the corned beef sang to me.”
They opened their boxes and unpacked small containers of coleslaw and utensils with a large paper napkin.
“What’s in there?”
“Secret.”
“Not fair,” Mackenzie smiled. “I might decide I’m full on tuna if it’s not something I like.”
“If you’re full of fish, I’ll eat the dessert for you, promise.” He picked up his fork and started in on the coleslaw.
“Thank you for being so thoughtful. Not many men are, you know,” she said, the stinging of her past week still aching in her heart.
“I know that and apologize most enthusiastically for the shortcomings of my sex. We’re all bastards at heart. It takes a good woman to keep us in line, you know.”
“Well, don’t know that I would go that far, but I accept your apology on their behalf, regardless.” She picked up her fork and began dabbing at the coleslaw. Tim could tell her heart really wasn’t into eating.
“Tell you what,” he said. “I’ll sit here and do what I do best – eat – and you sit there and catch me up with all that’s been going on since I left you that night in Ben’s. Just give me the signal when you’re done by picking up that tuna sandwich and then it will be my turn to talk. Deal?”
Mackenzie laughed. “Deal. Well, after you left, I got to thinking…” she began her story. She told him about opening the account and getting the first message, about meeting HarryM and their conversations. She talked about getting her makeovers and all the things the stylist had warned her about.
Finally, she got to the part about meeting Bill for wine and how he dumped her because she asked for his permission for the background check. “So, now I don’t even know if I want anything to do with it at all. I feel completely violated and embarrassed, and I’d rather crawl back in my hole. Lucy tells me that’s not healthy for me, but I can’t see a whole lot of health and good future in online dating.”
She stopped and looked at him. Tim was intently listening and when she said nothing further, he gave her a look that prompted her to pick up her sandwich. Realizing what he was doing, she laughed and picked up the tuna.
“Thank you! I wasn’t sure how long I could hold back,” he said, swallowing his last bite and wiping his mouth with his napkin. “First, I’ll talk, and when I’m done, we’ll have dessert. In the meantime, you’re allowed to nod or shake your head while you eat, but not to interrupt. Deal?”
She nodded.
“Good girl. You catch on quickly.” He folded his napkin, weighted it with the dessert box as though planting a flag to claim his territory and then folded his hands on the table before him. “Now, first of all, I’d like to say that I’m amazed at how far you’ve come. I know it wasn’t easy, given all you’ve been through, to put yourself out there like that. But I agree with Lucy, it’s important that you not become a hermit.
“I probably don’t have to lecture you about the different stages of grieving. I’m sure someone else, most likely a therapist, has already gone through that with you. What you don’t know about me is that several years ago, I, too, lost a spouse.”
Mackenzie’s face froze and Tim waved her away from the words she was about to say.
“Thank you, I know you are sorry. And, I also know that you understand what it felt like. Jenny and I dated in high school. The summer we were to enter college together, she got pregnant, and so I went on to college while she stayed home and worked a part-time job to cover our expenses. We lived in a dingy little trailer in an even dingier little trailer park at the edge of town. You know how it is, when you’re young, things like that really don’t matter as long as you have each other.”
Mackenzie nodded. She understood all too well.
“So, I was in class one day and a friend of mine, Jimmy Stevens, was in the same class. Jimmy had a cell phone, something that was very new at that time and that I certainly could not afford. I remember him coming toward my desk and whispering in my ear that there was an emergency at home.
“I got up, left my books right where they were on the desk, and took off. When I pulled down the street of the trailer park, there were neighbors gathered on the little porch in front of our door. The look on their faces scared me to death.
“I elbowed my way through them and got inside and followed a line of even more neighbors down the short hallway to our bedroom. There was Jenny, unconscious and lying in a pool of blood on our bed. Evidently, someone who knew that Jimmy and I were good friends had called Jimmy’s mother, who in turn texted Jimmy the message for me.
“Jenny was still breathing when I got there and someone murmured that they had called an ambulance. You could already hear the siren approaching at the mouth of the trailer park.
“The EMTs flushed people out of the trailer and made their way back into our room where they took her vitals with a grim look on their faces. They instantly went into resuscitation mode, pushing me back out of the way.
“I knew things were bad, perhaps even over. I didn’t want to believe it, but there it was, going on in front of my own eyes. I made myself believe that Jenny’s chest was still moving up and down, but the way they worked on her, administering CPR, told me otherwise. They loaded her on a gurney and I jumped into the ambulance beside her. I held her hand all the way to the hospital, even though it was already growing cold. I was in total shock. I looked at the blood that stained her legs and knew that, in fact, was my unborn child.
“As you can guess,” he said in a voice that was husky with emotion, “Jenny was dead. I never really got the true story of who found her or how long she might’ve been lying there bleeding to death. We couldn’t afford a telephone, so there was no way for her to call and she was probably too weak or perhaps in too much pain to get outside the trailer and call a neighbor.
“I spread her ashes in the river waters where she and I used to picnic. It was our favorite thing to do. I loved her very much, Mackenzie, but she is gone. I’ve told you this story because I wanted you to know that I truly do understand.” He paused for a moment before continuing.
“It has been ten years since Jenny died. At first, I couldn’t even bear to go back to the trailer. It was all there, just as she had left it. The bloodstained blankets, the breakfast dishes in the sink still unwashed, and the baby afghan she was crocheting still lay at the end of the sofa where she had left it. I didn’t have any family, so I begged one of the neighbor women to go through the house with a garbage bag and get rid of everything that would remind me. The woman was kind and did as I asked. That’s when I went into my deep, dark hole.
“It lasted more than five years. I had managed to stagger to class often enough to get my degree. I think the professors were being extra kind to me, given the circumstances. So when I graduated, I found a job and made enough money that I could move out of that dingy little trailer and into an apartment uptown.
“I was still very deep in depression, drinking too much and sleeping not enough. I put on a good bit of weight, not having much in the way of cooking skills and therefore eating out of drive-through bags and junk food cellophane. I was overqualified for the job I had, a lower middle management position with a franchise that was failing.
“It was good enough at the time. I really didn’t need any more than what I had. I had lost my entire future that afternoon. I think you know how that feels.”
Mackenzie nodded, having finished her sandwich. She sat quietly with her hands folded beneath her chin, listening.
“I had made some friends at work and there were my college buddies. Every once in a while, they would rally behind me, dragging me to a bar or strip club, trying to get my spirits up. It took me a long time to climb out of that hole.
“First, there was the absolute paralyzing grief. Then came the denial. I’m sure you’ve heard all about that and have probably gone through it yourself. Then came the guilt. What if I had been there that day? What if I had found a way to put a phone in so she could’ve called for help? What if I had
n’t left her alone in that dingy trailer, pregnant with our child? The questions were overwhelming and in some ways, I went even deeper at that point.
“Then, one day, I went to the park on my bike. I got a little winded, I was a pretty good-sized guy by that time, and so I stopped to sit on a bench. There was a little boy playing in the grass nearby. I looked at him and imagined that my son or daughter would’ve been about that age. I imagined that the child had lived and that I would be now a single father with the responsibility of his or her upbringing.
“I don’t know what it was about that thought, but somehow it knocked some sense into me. I knew that I was destined for far more than anything in my life up that point in time. It wasn’t one of those great holy messages that gave me a purpose, no, nothing like that at all. It was more like an awakening.
“I suddenly realized that I was not the only man in the world who had lost his wife or child and was grieving at that moment. The difference was, I could help myself, while I couldn’t help the others.
“By this time, Internet dating had become more sophisticated and less dangerous. Oh, I see by the look on your face that you can’t imagine a man feeling danger, but I can assure you it is. I can tell you stories… Well, we’ll save that for another time.
“I was feeling pretty low about myself, having gained so much weight. None of my clothes fit, and they were sadly out of style at that point anyway. So, I joined a local gym and went to see a nutritionist who put me on a reasonable diet. It was tough. I won’t lie to you. I had eaten my way through many a lonely night. This was not only about learning the discipline of eating healthy, but of giving up the solace that got me through those lonely nights.
“Well, time passed, and eventually, the pounds began to fall off. At one point, I felt it was safe enough to go and invest in a small new wardrobe. My friends were thrilled to see the progress I was making and were egging me on to try Internet dating. By that time, I felt that I’d lost enough weight and looked good enough that I might actually have a shot at asking a nice woman out. So, I signed up on a dating site with that purpose in mind.