by R. R. Banks
I guess she’s referencing that resort Jay hates. I didn’t know that it’s actually going to happen. If Jay’s right about the guy behind it, there’ll be a lot more people with jobs in town, even if the jobs do exploit people’s hard work. I won’t be around to know how it pans out. My stomach clenches a little, thankfully not in a nauseous way. I need to go get this test and figure out what’s happening before I start leaping to a billion conclusions that may or may not be possible.
I eat a little bit of my bagel slowly at a little table in the corner closest to the counter, while I check my work email to distract myself. Since my mess of a meeting with Katya, I’ve had to make a lot of shifts. Some other designers on the team are contributing more. It’s not ideal for me, but Jay suggested I ask for help. That way, Katya’s happy and I can still have time to do a little more work on my own collection in my spare time. It’s been working so far. I doubt Katya will end up helping my line financially, but she’s not the only person in the city who has money and an interest in fashion. She’s just the easiest, and I don’t want to default to the easy option.
I give up on my bagel after I finish a quarter of it and stuff it into my purse. It’s all I can manage to get down without worrying about whether I’ll get sick or not. I’m torn between wanting to move around, being scared that Max will swoop in and attack me in broad daylight on the street and laying down because I’m so damn tired. Plus, I’m just delaying taking the test. The pharmacy’s a few stores down, and the walk there feels like that time Gigi convinced me to run a half marathon with her. It was terrible and felt like it would never end.
When I finally make it inside, the pharmacy’s surprisingly busy. It makes me feel a lot safer. It’s a lot of elderly people, but there’s a surprising number of younger people, too. I’m self-conscious as hell, even though it’s not at all weird for a thirty-year-old woman to buy a pregnancy test. I’ve never even had a scare before, so this is all new territory.
Why are there so many options? I stare at the array of pink and blue boxes, appropriately placed next to the condoms that we should have used. I grab three different boxes each from three different brands, just to cover my bases. I buy them, along with some condoms and a travel sized container of antacids. The man behind the counter doesn’t even blink an eye when he rings me up.
Once I have everything, I stop outside of the store and look inside it. I have to take them somewhere. I need to know, but I don’t think that I can wait until I get home. I look at the array of shops. There’s the Tavern on the end of the strip, which opens around eleven for lunch without serving alcohol. It’s still a little too early, so I decide to walk up and down the main drag, stopping into stores and absently shopping to pass time. I want to go to the yarn store, but Maya’s not working. She could be a welcome distraction. Or I could call Gigi, but she can’t be here to help me. I wish she were here. Or that anyone I could talk to, besides Jay, were here.
The minute the clock strikes eleven, I leave the hiking supply store I’ve been wandering in for the past fifteen minutes and head to the tavern. I’m one of the first ones there, behind some younger guys wearing outdoorsy clothes — camo, boots, et cetera. They look tired, like they’re much older on the inside than they look on the outside. I stand close enough to overhear what they’re saying, since the women’s bathroom is still not clean. I doubt anyone uses it this early.
“You hear back from that job?” One guy asks his friend.
“Got turned down.” The first man’s friend sighs and looks up at the deer bust on the wall.
“At least you’re in good company.” The first man claps his friend on the back. “I swear, it’s like all these companies are splitting all the jobs into part-time gigs that hardly cover everything.”
“And yet, here we are, blowing money on food.”
“I doubt my wife wants to see me come home without a job,” the second man says.
My heart sinks for them before it lifts again. These are the guys who could benefit from some sort of craftsman studio or from a few good businesses that produce more jobs coming to town. But then there’s the problem of a lack of actual space in the town. Maybe that’s what the resort guy’s angling to do — if he can put the resort on the outskirts of town, everyone will be vying for jobs. But they might be getting the shit they’re already hating.
I walk past them when the cleaning lady says the bathroom’s clear, resisting the urge to text Jay about the proof that he could make a difference in the town. I can’t text him yet. I can’t bring myself to face any interactions with him, period.
I head into the last stall before the handicap accessible one and grab the tests. There’s the early detection one, the easy read one, and the basic one. I go with the easy read one, because I don’t believe in my ability to read any sort of test that’s not in plain English right now.
I follow the directions, lay the test flat, and wait. I don’t know what to do with myself for five minutes, so I watch some video of a rescue kitten growing up on my phone. Big mistake, because I start to cry like an idiot. Thankfully no one’s here to witness my breakdown.
When the alarm on my phone goes off, I shut it off and take a deep breath. I snatch the test off of the toilet paper dispenser and look at it. Clear as day, it says I’m pregnant.
I want to put my head between my knees, but I’m sitting on top of the toilet seat. I settle for resting my head in my hands. Shit.
I take some long, deep breaths before I sit back up. Maybe it’s a false positive. I’m glad I got the other tests, because I’m going to take every last one of those suckers the second I get back to the house. I put the little cap that comes with the test on, wrap it with toilet paper, and tuck it back into the box it was in. I’m not sure why, because I really doubt I’ll forget what it says. My hands are trembling, and I feel queasy again.
I’ve always wanted to be a mom, but with thorough planning. Apparently, it’s crazy to get your kid into a good daycare in New York City, and that’s not even taking the cost of it into account. And all those medical costs, even with good insurance. I’m well-off enough that I can afford having the baby with some changes to my budget, but I’m going to have to scramble to sort it all out. I’m already planning on moving when I get back, so at least I can find a two bedroom somewhere. And other women at the office have had babies and said the maternity leave we get is pretty good.
But there’s my work outside of work, and that’s what makes me start to actually cry. I had this whole plan for the next five years and now I’m doing it all in reverse. Sure, there are women who are entrepreneurs with really young babies, but they usually have a partner or family living really close by to help them out. My family’s in New Jersey, so they aren’t too far, but I doubt they’ll come into the city to help out with childcare.
And then there’s Jay.
He doesn’t want a family and told me that flat out at the bar what seems like ages ago. He’s going to freak out if I tell him. I mean, he seems okay with Andrew and Holly’s baby, but there’s a big difference between liking a baby you can give back to someone else and a baby you can’t. What if he kicks me off his property? That would be a terrible thing to do, so I shove that thought into the back of my head. He would never do that, even if I’m basically his biggest nightmare.
But on the flip side, what if he wants to go old school and stick with me for the sake of the baby, despite his misgivings? He did say he was glad his parents waited to get divorced until he was out on his own, just because of the emotional blowback of it all being so tough. The thought makes me nervous, too, even though it’s the best situation for the baby, financially and emotionally.
I’ve been single or unhappily coupled for so long that I can’t imagine what it would take to be in love enough to build a life with someone. Sure, we get along now, but I don’t know what he’s like under pressure. I don’t know what he’s like when he’s at the end of his rope, looped into a life he knew he didn’t want to have.
>
I don’t know a lot of things about him deep down, since he’s not the same person as he was back then. I can’t stay with him for the sake of the baby. Neither of us are prepared for that. I can hardly imagine hopping into a serious relationship so soon after the shit show that’s whatever’s happening with Max.
Once I’ve pulled myself together and the bathroom is clear, I leave, clutching my little bag of tests like a hawk is going to swoop down from the sky, steal it, and drop it in Jay’s lap. Should I tell him now to get it over with? I have to eventually, because I’m sure my symptoms will be much more noticeable soon, assuming the test isn’t a false positive.
I don’t want to think about that yet. It’s all so much, all at once.
Maybe I should toss the test I saved out. If Jay intercepts me at home, he’ll just see that I’ve bought tests. Maybe I can say that they’re for Maya, even though I don’t want to drag her into all this.
I dig it out of the bag and walk faster. There’s an alley where some dumpsters are behind the tavern. When I turn into it, I nearly bump into Harrison, the guy that Jay’s been talking to about the potential resort popping up in town. He’s just as startled as I am, jolting back.
“Sorry!” I say, putting on a wobbly smile.
He looks at me like I’m a three-headed monster and clutches his shopping bags, whatever’s inside clattering. It sounds like plastic. Maybe recycling? Who knows. I don’t think he remembers who I am, and he rushes past me. Weird. He seemed a little too intense at the tavern, and clearly he’s wound up all the time. But what could he have been doing that would make him react like that?
I walk further into the alley and throw my used test into the dumpster. Just beyond that, I can tell that someone’s recently moved some things around. The ground is damp around two dry spots, like the rain didn’t get under whatever was here before. I can’t tell what would have been here, though. The dry spots are smaller than trash cans. Maybe he was just peeing back here or something? It doesn’t sit well with me, but there’s not much I can do.
I head back to my car and drive back home. Jay’s out in his workspace, cranking music so loudly that I can hear it from the house, thankfully. I sneak inside before he notices that I’m back.
I need a plan for all of these tests. While I debate what to do, I chug some water. I can put the used tests in a dark trash bag and stuff them in with some other garbage. Something that won’t explode all over the place. Okay, I need to relax — he’s not going to go digging through the trash like a damn raccoon. And there are cords he keeps on the trash cans so real raccoons don’t go through the stuff.
I grab a black trash bag and head to the bathroom, locking the door. He’s gotten way too accustomed to waltzing into the bathroom when I’m in the shower, so better to be safe than sorry. Over the span of an hour, I take all the tests. Again and again, they come up positive. All together, including the first one in the tavern, I take nine. The odds of having nine false positive tests are insanely slim. So this baby is real, and it’s inside me right now.
I had my big panic moment back in the tavern bathroom, so now I feel strangely steady. I’m going to be a mom. It’s not the way I imagined it would happen, but it’s happening, so I need to handle the situation. I should go to the doctor. I should also figure out when to tell Jay.
He’s the only wildcard here. I can do all the classes and budgeting and organizing in the world, but the baby’s dad being in his or her life is something that I can’t really control.
I need to think before I do anything stupid. I can’t just drop this bomb on him out of the blue. It’s life-altering, to say the least.
I put all of the tests in the trash bag and clean myself up. With some eye drops, concealer, and lip stain, I look as good as new. I dart out to the trash cans and stuff the tests inside of a bag that’s already there, then close it. Relief washes over me. At least that part’s over.
I head back inside and get the rest of my bagel from my bag. I stand at the counter and eat it, trying to make a to-do list. I should go to the doctor, which means I need to find one nearby. I need to call Gigi because I know that my current sense of steadiness will not last all night. But where can I even talk to her? We’ll have to text or something. I focus in on making my list, absently touching my stomach as if I can feel something.
“Hey,” Jay says, coming into the kitchen. He smells like outside and wood, even from a distance. “You’re back.”
“I am.” I smile at him, surprised at how easily the smile comes despite my racing heart. Maybe it’s the part of me that realizes these might be the last few uncomplicated moments we have together. I already miss what we have, and it’s not even over yet.
I shut my notebook when he comes around and wraps his arm around my waist. He kisses me so tenderly that I nearly burst into tears right then and there like a crazy person.
“You’ve already eaten?” He gestures to the empty paper of my bagel.
“Mmhm.”
He nods and opens the fridge. He emerges with the milk and grabs a bowl. He eats so much damn cereal, like a box a day. He makes himself a bowl and comes back near me again.
“Everything okay?” he asks, scanning my face. He rests a big hand on my lower back.
“Yep.” I smile up at him and it hurts my heart.
Why can’t things be simple with him? He’s a good guy who’s always treated me well. He’s gone above and beyond what’s necessary to make me feel safe during all of this bullshit. Under any other circomestance, I’d be elated that I finally picked a good one.
But that doesn’t mean I can handle being in a serious relationship with him, even if he wants to be in one. Nice and sweet and hot are all good things, but I know for a fact that it’s not enough for him to suddenly want a family. But seeing his face makes me forget all of that.
If I see him all the time, I’ll probably melt and do something stupid, as I clearly do whenever I’m around him. And if we’re living together, he’ll notice me puking my guts out all the time. I need more space. I need more air. I need to figure all this out.
“Actually…” I bite my bottom lip. “I think I want to move into Holly and Andrew’s guest house like I was supposed to.”
“Oh?” He looks confused. “Why?”
“I just think this is moving a little fast,” I say quietly. “Basically living together is a big step. I feel a lot safer now, so I don’t think I need to be as close.”
That last part isn’t entirely true, but he won’t let me go quietly if I don’t say it.
He chews in silence, letting what I’ve said sink in. I can’t meet his eye. I’m just giving myself time before I make any decisions about the baby’s future. I’m not chickening out, am I? I hope he doesn’t think so.
“Okay, I guess?” He still looks lost. “Do you not want to be together? Whatever this is?”
“I’m not sure.”
“What?” He puts his bowl down, his eyebrows going up in shock.
“I do. But it’s complicated.” I nearly rest my hand on my stomach again, but I stop myself.
“Max?” he asks.
I nod. That’s a whole other thing. If Max finds out I’m pregnant, I don’t know what he’ll do. Chills run up and down my spine. Maybe I can go home to Jersey for a while and work from there until things blow over? Or maybe, hopefully, I could get a restraining order that sticks.
“But you know you’re safer with me.” He furrows his brow, obviously unhappy. “What changed?”
“It’s just emotional,” I shrug, even though it’s a lie.
“Emotional.” His anger’s boiling under the surface, and there’s nothing I can do about it. “Didn’t we just have a conversation about how we wanted to try it out, regardless of that asshole?”
“Yes, but we also said that we might get hurt.” I swallow, feeling tears rapidly pooling in my eyes.
“Goddamn it,” he mutters.
“I don’t want to break up. I just want to put things on h
old or slow them way, way down,” I finally explain. It’s not what I initially thought I would go with, but it’s true. I want him so badly, and I don’t want this to end. “Please, Jay. I just want to take it slow. And I think it would be best if we weren’t hanging out every single day. If things were a little less intense.”
He stares at me. I can tell he’s holding back, hard, and I’m grateful for it. He should just let it rip and chew me out for being a flakey asshole.
“Fine.” He’s moving past anger and hurt to annoyance, and it pains me.
I let out a breath I didn’t even know I was holding. “Thank you, Jay. I really appreciate it.”
“I don’t like it, but I get it, kind of. It’s better than breaking up all the way, even though I’m so fucking mad that I can hardly think straight.” His hand grips the edge of the counter so hard that I expect it to snap off. “But I care about you a lot, and even with this bullshit, I still want to be with you. I just need time to cool down, so maybe it’s for the best that you stay with Andrew and Holly.”
“I know. I deserve it.” I look down, and a couple tears fall.
He sighs when he sees me crying but doesn’t move to comfort me. “I can help you move your stuff tomorrow.”
“Thank you.”
“Whatever. Maybe I’m just an idiot who’s stuck in the past.” He picks up his cereal and turns his back on me. It feels like a slap across the face. “I’ll be out back.”
Chapter Fourteen
Jay
I’m getting really fucking tired of being yanked around emotionally. It’s like I’m a dog on a leash with an owner who can’t decide where she wants to go. Simone and I are sort of together, but also sort of not. I moved her to Holly and Andrew’s cabin, which they’ve upgraded to have a security system, so I don’t see her all the time anymore. I saw her in passing in town once, and that’s all I can handle right now.
On one hand, I’m angry at being held at arm’s length, but on the other I miss having her around. I miss watching dumb movies and just shooting the shit, drinking wine and laughing like normal couples do. She made my house feel good, and my workshop more fun. But still, the fact that she’s still not opening up worries me.