by S. G. Wilson
I didn’t lose them until I reached “Challenge Me: The Ultimate in Self-Competition,” where I hid under a VR helmet to compete in the Battle Royale Edition of Brawl of Duty: Battle of the Mall of America. After losing to a group of Play Mes in all of two minutes, I moved on to a self-help workshop nearby called “Trust Me: Gettin’ in Touch with Yourself.” I might have stayed, but a nearby homework swap called “It’s Not Cheating If a Me Did It” sounded too tempting. I went there looking for a ready-made science fair project but found the Virals waiting for me instead.
They chased me into a little-used section of the hotel with no panels or other Mes in sight, just more of those weird, lightless windows with nothing but blackness on the other side. I got lost in a maze of halls where the carpet had gone ragged and the walls needed new paint. Barely keeping one step ahead of the goons, I hopped into an old abandoned laundry cart just as Mobster’s deep voice boomed from around the corner. “Wish we could catch that dirty rat already so we can get outta here!”
The Virals passed nail-bitingly close to the cart, near enough to look inside if they had the notion.
“Patience, good sir,” said Ren Faire.
“Mobster’s got a point, though,” said Troll. “It won’t be long before Meticulous puts the plan in motion. I for one don’t want to be stuck here when that happens.”
“That shan’t be us, I can assure you,” said Ren Faire. “Not if we perform our endeavor with cunning and diligence.”
They moved down the hall without noticing me, and after a few minutes I felt safe enough to climb out. I was glad to escape those psychos, but part of me wanted to follow them just so I could eavesdrop a little more. What was this plan they were talking about?
Before I could decide which way to go next, I heard muffled Me voices coming from the room on my left. A sign on the closed door read ICE MACHINE ROOM. This was the place Motor wanted me to go! The doorknob wouldn’t budge, so I knocked. Everyone inside went whispery. After a long pause the door creaked open and a Me poked his head around. It was Steampunk Me, from Motor’s panel. “Sorry, no official con event here. This is just a little, uh, social meeting.”
“Could you sound any more suspicious?” said another Me behind him. “Let him in. I know this guy.”
Grumbling to himself, Steampunk opened the door wide.
I stepped into a teeny room stuffed with an ice machine and a handful of Mes on metal folding chairs.
Plus one in a mobility cart.
Motor gave me a little wave. “Hey, Average. Welcome to the Why Mes.”
I almost cried out in relief at the sight of Motor, but he gave me a look that said, Play it cool.
Motor waved me to a seat next to Monk Me. “It’s okay. I can vouch for Average Me.”
Nobody objected when I sat down. Apparently, they didn’t know I was on the run.
“So, my brothers, as I was saying,” said Monk, “Meticulous may have created the elevator, but we can use it for so much more than Me Con. Like spreading a spirit of peace and inner calm through all dimensions. And while we’re at it, spreading my music through all dimensions too. I’ve got a very positive, mind-expanding message that people on other Earths need to hear.”
The twitchy Me next to him darted his eyes around the room, nervous. He’d either drunk too much caffeine or been possessed by the spirit of a squirrel. His name tag read ALIEN ABDUCTION ME. “What we need to do is use the elevator for hunting down the aliens who experimented on me! Area Fifty-One! Crop circles! The Knights Templar! It’s all a big cover-up! We can expose it!”
Monk looked concerned. “My brother, how many times do I have to tell you? It’s all in your head. You weren’t abducted by aliens any more than Steampunk comes from an actual steampunk world.”
Steampunk’s top hat wobbled as he shook with rage. “I do so come from a steampunk world! Why does no one believe that?!”
“I mean no disrespect, my brother,” said Monk. “But there comes a time when every Me must face the truth.”
“I’m not lying! I come from a steampunk world! I’d take you there if I could!”
“Real or no, you’ve put together a nice costume,” said Motor. “We can all agree on that.”
Steampunk pouted and crossed his arms, his clockwork gear cuff links clinking together.
Alien Abduction shook his head, eyes bugging out. “I’m telling you, the aliens will be back for me! For all of us! The government is in on it!”
Monk patted him on the shoulder, murmuring comforting words. “Those aliens you imagined aren’t real. They don’t have green skin and forehead antennae. It’s all in your head. There, there.”
“So, is this a counseling group or something?” I asked.
“Half the time it feels more like the Let’s Make Fun of Steampunk Me Society,” said Steampunk.
“We talk about stuff that otherwise doesn’t come up a lot at Me Con,” Motor said around the handful of Sodium Headachies he’d crammed into his mouth. “Stuff that Meticulous would prefer we not talk about.”
“You mean on top of everything else, Meticulous controls what Mes talk about too?” I asked.
“That’s why we meet in secret,” said Steampunk, grabbing a few Headachies from Motor’s bag. “Plus, we don’t get invited to many Me parties.”
“So what aren’t we supposed to talk about?”
“For starters, why there’s the Void outside the hotel,” said Alien Abduction.
“Are you for real? You think the darkness outside is a void? As in, nothingness? You’ve peeked your head out the door and seen it firsthand?”
They looked at me like I’d just suggested we all slather our shoes in salsa and eat them whole.
“That would be suicide!” said Monk.
“And besides, the doors have alarms,” said Steampunk. “Even if the Void didn’t kill us, we’d get busted for sure!”
Motor blushed. “Look, I doubt there’s a void out there. But I’m not willing to test the theory.”
“Don’t be a sucker!” said Alien Abduction. “We have proof of the Void! The Missing Mes!”
“Who?” I asked.
Steampunk’s goggles filled with tears. “Mes who Meticulous got rid of. Some of them were our friends. Like Disco Me.”
“Yeah, and he was a real genius,” said Motor. “I mean, despite the disco. But that wasn’t his fault. Culturally, his Earth is stuck in the 1970s. Anyway, he helped his version of Mom and Dad invent all kinds of stuff, like a cold-fusion generator and a holographic projector. Way cool.”
“Sensitive Me wasn’t any slouch either,” said Monk. “He created the first self-driving car on his Earth. And the interactive public toilet.”
I might have been more impressed if I hadn’t seen those inventions already on Earth One. “And now they’re just…gone?”
“Without a trace,” said Alien Abduction. “I heard that Meticulous sent them through the Exit himself.”
“That’s just a rumor stemming from lots of bad vibes and negative energy,” said Monk. “No Me could actually do that to another. Meticulous can’t be that bad.”
Steampunk adjusted his floppy bow tie. “Maybe, but it’s easy to see why he’d want Resist Me out of the picture. All that talk of change and rebellion.”
Motor cut his eyes at me. “The fact is, nobody can figure out what happened to the Missing Mes because we’re not allowed to talk about it.”
“I just don’t get why you all would—”
“Why we’d put up with Meticulous and his stupid rules?” Motor finished.
I grinned. “You took the words right out of my mouth.”
Before I got an answer, the door burst open and in rushed Troll Me, the jerk who’d given Motor a hard time. “I’ve found Wild Me!” he shouted into his MeMinder. “He’s in the ice room. Hurry!”
&n
bsp; Monk nearly tipped over in his chair. “You’re Wild Me!”
Alien Abduction sat up in his seat. “The one Meticulous is after?”
Steampunk scooted away from me. “So, wait, is that, like, angry-wild or out-of-control-wild?”
“I’m just me, okay?” I jumped to my feet.
Troll braced himself against the doorframe, blocking my way out. He cackled like a scrawny supervillain. “And now, thanks to me, you’re caught! Motor, you’re about as good at hiding troublemakers as you are with computers. That is to say, you suck!”
My hands started fizzing again, and I knew what to do. In one fluid motion I picked up the plastic garbage bin near the door and slammed it over Troll’s head and shoulders. It was the kind of nimble move that should have been beyond me, but I felt I could do anything. Maybe all Mes felt this, and maybe that’s why everybody else had accomplished more than me. I got so distracted by this idea that I almost didn’t take the time to enjoy the sight of Troll bonking into the wall as he tried to get out from under the bin.
Laughing like a reverberating guitar, the Why Mes and I ran out the door that Motor held open for us. We left Troll behind to spin around the room. The other Mes rushed off one way down the hall, and I went the other. I figured they wanted nothing to do with Wild Me, Average Me, or whatever kind of Me I was.
After a few steps, I heard Motor’s cart whirring from behind. He almost crashed into me when I stopped to face him. “Why are you following me?” I said. “Go save yourself!”
Motor zipped his cart up to a beat-up old metal door that creaked when he opened it. On the other side lay a grubby cement stairway leading into the cold darkness below.
“You need the elevator, right?” he said. “I know a shortcut.”
The utility tunnels underneath the Janus were a hot and stinky maze of grubby cement and flickering lights. Pipes and gauges stuck out everywhere, and the ceiling hung back-achingly low. The snaking passageways twisted and turned and looped on each other in ways that made no sense. But deep down in this nasty dungeon, I felt safer than I’d felt all day.
“Not even Meticulous knows about this space,” said Motor, squeezing his cart through a spot where two thick air ducts bulged toward each other. His ride wasn’t exactly made for traveling in such close quarters. It had been hard enough helping him lug the thing down the stairs.
Every time we passed under a venting grate, I caught snatches of dumb conversations from Me Con panels like “Crappiest Christmas: Most Disappointing Gifts,” “Barf on the Beach: Which Family Vacation Was the Worst?” or “Epic Farts: Our Best of the Best.” They all sounded like such wastes of time. Mes could have explored so many more meaningful topics if they’d just stop bowing down to Meticulous. Together, they could crack the mystery of the elevator, uncover the secret of the Void, figure out Algebra II. There was no end to the possibilities.
That said, I had to admit I was a little curious about the fart panel.
But for now, the only question that mattered was how much closer this tunnel would take me to the elevator before it petered out.
“Thanks,” Motor said after I helped him navigate an especially tight section. “And thanks for taking care of Troll back there. And at that panel too. I never realized Diarrhea Delights could double as slingshot ammo.”
“What is it with him? Why’s he so mean to you?”
Motor broke into a tube of Chemically Flavored Crunchies. “He’s had it in for me ever since I corrected his coding for a computer virus he was showing us at a panel last year.”
“A virus? That sounds dangerous.”
“It was just a minor thing that lets you take over the school’s computer. Straight As and perfect attendance with a few keystrokes.”
“That’s minor?”
“Child’s play for him. His idea of fun is hacking game servers and stealing virtual money from players with codenames he doesn’t like.”
“He’s a real stand-up guy, in other words.”
“The worst.” Motor polished off the last of the Crunchies. “So why does Meticulous have it in for you?”
“Beats me. I mean, sure, I went to his Earth, but I left it just like I found it, more or less.”
Motor screeched to a halt. “You went to another Earth?! To his Earth?!”
“It was the first place the elevator took me.”
Still in shock, Motor started inching forward again. “How did it take you there, exactly?”
“I just pressed a random button. I was in a rush. Didn’t know it was against the rules.”
Motor was so stunned he shoved a trayful of leftover gum wads in his mouth instead of the Sodium Headachies he’d been going for. He spat them out, then got right back to the chips. “All this time only Meticulous has been able to take the elevator to other Earths. The controls don’t respond to anybody else. Trust me, we’ve all tried. It only takes us straight to zero, then back to our Earths.”
“What if a Me tagged along with another Me on his ride home? I think that’s what Hollywood did with Meticulous so he could work as his assistant.”
He tipped the crumbs at the bottom of the Headachies bag into his mouth. “Sure, it’s possible, but generally, Meticulous always posts Mobster or some other guard at the elevator to make sure we only ride one at a time. He says more than one Me on any given Earth is too ‘messy.’ What a hypocrite!”
“So how is it that I can control the elevator like Meticulous? I’m nobody.”
Motor finger-scraped junk-food sludge off his teeth. “Well, you’re from the last Earth the elevator can reach. Maybe that makes you special somehow. How long were you on his world, anyway?”
“Long enough to realize I had to get out of there. It was creepy. He practically runs the whole planet.”
The tunnel ended the way it began: in another grubby cement staircase. Motor had to get out of his cart again so we could heave the contraption up the steps. We were both wheezing by the time we got to the top. Motor plopped himself back into his seat as I cracked open the door and peeked outside. We’d come to an intersection of boring brown hallways, each one exactly alike in every direction.
I stepped back to let Motor inch through the door. Once out, he pointed left. “That way leads to the Viral Me Lounge. Nobody’s scheduled to be there now. If you slip inside, there’s a door at the other end of the room that leads right to the elevator bank.”
We both froze as something metallic clinked around the corner. I hadn’t passed through the door yet, and Motor had the good sense to kick it most of the way shut just before Ren Faire jogged up to the spot where I would have stood. I peeked in on them through the crack.
“Prithee, fat one.” Ren Faire gripped the hilt of his sword like he might pull it out. “Hast thou seen the scoundrel known as Wild Me?”
Motor took a moment to lick the candy dust from an empty Cavity Pellets bag. “Nay, alas and alack.”
Ren Faire dropped his Elizabethan voice. “Hey, only I get to do Shakespeare around here! Got it?”
“Nay, I speak not in jest, good sir! This is how people doth converse on mine Earth.”
Ren Faire scowled. “Hast thou anything to do with a certain illegal discussion group known as the Why Mes? They were caught harboring the knave.”
“Nay.” Motor wadded up the bag and tossed it at the nearest trash bin. He missed. I would have too from that distance.
Ren Faire took in Motor’s belly, and his face scrunched in disgust. “Thou shouldst be ashamed to call thineself a Me.” And with that, he jogged away.
As soon as the coast was clear, I stepped out. Motor hunched in his seat, wiping the wet from his eyes.
“Don’t listen to him,” I said. “He’s a jerk. Let’s go.”
Motor shook his head. “Those halls are even tighter in some places than the tunnel was. My ride won’t fit.”<
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“Then ditch it.”
He patted the steering wheel. “I’m spoiled by it, I guess. Anyway, we both know I’m a lost cause. I’d just slow you down.”
“Don’t say that. You’re awesome, and Ren Faire’s an idiot. I couldn’t have gotten this far without you.”
“Nah, I’d just slow you down.” All of a sudden, his face brightened with an idea. “But I can give you a decent distraction.”
He aimed his cart in the direction Ren Faire had just run.
“Don’t! It’s too dangerous!”
But he zoomed off without so much as a backward glance.
I understood. I was bad with goodbyes too.
When the sight of ninety-something copies of yourself eating dinner in a banquet room doesn’t even make you blink, you know you’ve been traveling the multiverse a little too long.
Peeking in on the Viral Me Lounge through the service door, I wasn’t scared, stunned, amazed, giddy, or any other emotion a sane person should have felt at seeing something like this. I was just annoyed. These Mes weren’t supposed to be here. They sat under a banner that read ME APPRECIATION FEAST, a dinner Motor hadn’t known about when he’d sent me this way. Based on the chatter I overheard, Meticulous had organized it as a last-minute surprise party. Perfect timing.
All my counterparts gabbed away, as excited by a free meal as I would have been…if I hadn’t needed to pass through this room undetected. The only Mes who seemed even less thrilled than I was with this turn of events were the Viral Mes. Dare Me and Click Me sat at the VIP table up on the stage, not bothering to hide the disgust on their faces. Troll Me sat with them, but he was too busy picking garbage out of his hair to join in the grousing. Apparently that bin I’d thrown on him had been especially messy inside.