If he crossed the room and took her to the floor, he had the feeling she'd be more than willing, even though she was exhausted. She sipped at her tea and flipped through a magazine, but her eyes, when she lifted them to his face, had more violet than blue in them, and he suspected her mind wasn't on him--or the floor. Her brain was fitting pieces of the puzzle together. Or maybe it was on him and he was coming up short.
"You okay, baby? I ended up being a little rougher than I intended." He rubbed his shadowed jaw and knew her thighs were chafed. He needed her back with him; he was not yet willing to have her go down that dangerous path again. Nor did he want her thinking she might do better than be with a man who had done nothing but bring chaos back into her life.
"I'm better than fine." She smiled up at him, but there was something sad in her eyes and her smile was wistful.
His heart did a funny twist in his chest, and deep inside, everything stilled. Even the way she sipped at her tea was sexy to him, and yet she seemed so far away, as if she was distancing herself. The one thing he couldn't have with her, the one thing he would never be able to live with--was distance.
He leaned one hip against the wall, his eyes never leaving her face. "I can't remember ever having a home. I never expected to have my own woman or live in a house with her." He crossed his arms over his chest and regarded her without blinking, using his cool, catlike stare. "When this is over, are you going to marry me?"
He had her full attention now. She blinked rapidly and her lips parted slightly. He had the urge to kiss her, but he stayed where he was, never taking his eyes from her face.
"You already asked me that question and I said yes."
"No, I told you we were going to get married. I bullied you until you said what I wanted to hear. I want to know if you're really going to marry me."
Her tongue touched her full lower lip, the pouty one he often found himself staring at. She remained silent, a little shell-shocked, and although he knew he shouldn't, he touched her mind, needing to know what she was thinking.
She had been in a hospital for several months after a breakdown. It could happen again. What kind of genetics would she pass to her children--their children? Would he even want children with her? And her father, what about him? She had to wear gloves almost all the time, would that become an embarrassment? What about her work? She loved being far away from people, where she could just exist in peace. What about his work? He was a born warrior and would never be happy doing anything else. How much time would they have together?
More than anything she wanted to be with him, but was it right for him? Could she do that to him? Be selfish and take what he was offering her even though she had no idea what could happen . . .
"Stop."
Her gaze jerked up to his. She looked frightened.
"Can you love me the way I am, Tansy? Can you live with a man like me? That's what you should be asking yourself, not all that other nonsense."
"How would we live?" She sounded sad, almost forlorn. Her fingers wrapped around the tea mug until her knuckles turned white. "Like this? On the run? As long as you're with me, you'll never have a real home, Kadan. Whitney isn't going to stop and we both know it."
"You didn't answer my question. Can you love me the way I am?"
"You know I already do, but that isn't the point, Kadan. You push so hard sometimes, and whether you think so or not, my concerns are legitimate. You'll wake up one day and wonder why you ever wanted to be with me."
"So it's settled then. You'll marry me. Say it."
"I already said it."
"Well say it again. I want to hear commitment in your voice this time. For me, divorce is not an option. I want that same commitment from you. No matter what happens, no matter what we face, we do it together. We fit. You fit me and I don't want to be without you. I don't like you sitting over there, mulling over whether or not you're going to stay with me once we're done here. I want to absolutely know you're mine--that there's never a question, never a doubt that we belong. So tell me. Say it out loud."
Tansy kept her gaze on his face. He sounded so tough. So hard. His face could have been carved of stone, his body sculptured from steel, so very still. When he ceased all movement, he became part of his background, every part of him completely motionless--waiting. For her. He looked as if whatever she said didn't matter, as if she couldn't shatter him into a million pieces, but his mind was in hers and she knew better. She knew air might be flowing through his physical chest, but deeper inside, where ordinarily he was safe from anyone seeing him, he was holding his breath--waiting. For her.
"I love you, Kadan. I want to be with you always. And I don't bully so easily. I'm not afraid of you, and no one pushes me anywhere I don't want to go. I'm committing myself to you--to us. So yes, I'll marry you when this is done. I have no idea what kind of future we'll have, but even if I only get a small part of you, I'll have the best part."
Kadan couldn't move even if he'd wanted to. For a moment he had the strange sensation of falling on silken sheets and into her warm, soft body, of sharing her skin and sliding into the sheer intimacy of her mind. Everything in him settled.
"Okay." It was the briefest of words.
He had no idea what else to say. He could show her, but he couldn't say it. She didn't seem to mind. She flashed a sassy grin at him, just as if she caught glimpses of how much she meant to him; he hoped so--she deserved to know.
"At the end of the day, when we sit in our rocking chairs, Tansy, and watch our grandchildren play, I can promise you, being with me will have been worth it." Because he was going to devote himself to making and keeping her happy, and in a lot of ways he was very single-minded.
"Are we going to have grandchildren?"
"I want everything. I never thought I would have a home or a family, and with you I have both, but you made me want it all. Lots of grandchildren."
She took another drink of tea and regarded him steadily over the cup. "And when you're off doing your thing with the boys, am I going to be at home alone with the children?"
He wasn't going to lie. "This is who I am. I can provide a safe home with others like us, with GhostWalkers. We all help one another. You won't be alone, but I'll be leaving for short periods of time frequently and we have to live in a safe environment. We have no choice."
"I don't worry about being alone. I'm good at it. When you're gone, I can do my photography work up in the mountains." She flashed him a small, seductive smile. "You can come looking for me."
"You can stay where I put you," he corrected. "During the times I'm gone, you won't be able to go to your parents, where I can't protect you and our children from Whitney or anyone else who might want you for their own reasons."
"That makes sense when we have children, but certainly before, I can still work."
His jaw tightened. "You can be in a safe environment."
"And my photography?" Her voice dared him to tell her she couldn't do something she loved.
"When I come back, we'll both go. I'm good at carrying equipment. Trained for years in it. I'll have dinner ready when you get back to camp every night."
Her eyes lit up, and he knew he wanted to see that look on her face for the rest of his life.
"Good then." She surprised and pleased him, capitulating without further argument, as if she knew that when it came to her safety, he couldn't compromise. "I'm not into big weddings, but I'm a fairly traditional girl, and torturing you with a formal dress and tux sounds like a good idea, just so we start off right."
He blinked. A muscle ticked in his jaw and there was no way to stop it.
Her smile widened.
"You aren't nice."
"Just making sure you know what you're in for." She tilted her chin a little with a mixture of challenge and defiance. "Did you tell Tucker and Ian the puppet master threatened my parents again?"
"Of course I did. We've stepped up security. Three more of my team members are arriving today to help Tucker and Ian
, although the location is secure and I doubt they'll really need it. I wanted you to feel comfortable with their security. Did you want to call your mother today?"
She looked away from him, carefully setting the tea mug on the end table and plucking at imaginary threads on her jeans. "I think I'll wait another day or so."
"She'll be worried about you," he persisted. "You've always called her. Your mother is as much a victim here as you are, Tansy." He kept his voice low and gentle, a stroking caress rather than judgment.
"I know she is. I just don't know what I'm going to say when she wants me to talk to my father. I'm not ready for that, and I don't want to say or do anything that would hurt her."
He wanted to argue with her. The longer she waited, the harder it might be for her, and if she didn't call, her mother would become more upset and probably ask more questions, but her hurt was too raw, too painful, and he let it go. He'd force the issue another time for her sake, but not now, not when she was so pale and her eyes looked like two bruises. He crossed the room and took the seat at the opposite end of the couch, reaching for her bare foot and pulling it into his lap so he could begin a gentle massage.
"Are you up to giving me details about the puppet master and Hawk? I've been compiling notes and we have quite a bit already." He worked his fingers along her heel and up into her ankle and calf. "Once we finish that, I think I can find the others just by identifying the ones we already have."
Tansy's face stilled; her gaze jumped to his face, and any semblance of a smile was gone.
"No. We're not done until I handle every piece and gather as many clues as I can. We have to be certain who these men are. We can't take a chance of identifying the wrong person, or leaving one of them out there to kill more people."
"I'll find them," he said, his voice confident.
Her eyes flashed silvery violet, and she drew her leg back toward her, trying to get her foot back. His fingers tightened around her ankle, holding her in place. Tansy shoved her hair over her shoulder and glared at Kadan. "My leg is injured, not my brain. Quit treating me like I'm about to break in half."
He appeared unmoved, other than lifting an eyebrow. "Maybe I'm the one about to break in half. The last thing I need is for some freak to be trying to play mind games with you." While one hand held her tight, the other began to massage her foot again.
Her glare deepened into a scowl. "This isn't about you. We're supposed to be finding killers, remember? If I can handle it, then so can you."
His hands stilled on her foot, his eyes darkening like a thundercloud. "You're feeling very sure of yourself now that you think I can't--or won't--retaliate."
Her heart jumped. She had been sure of him, of the way he was treating her like a porcelain doll. A ghost of a smile teased her mouth before she could stop it. She liked this side of him, all ferocious and ready to pounce. "You won't."
He leaned forward, hand spanning her throat. "Maybe not this minute, but your hip will heal soon and then you aren't going to be so lucky."
She turned her face into his palm, scraping at it with her teeth and then pressing a kiss in the exact center. "I'll be lucky. Whatever you do, I think I'll end up enjoying it."
Her voice sank into his groin, hardening his shaft so that his jeans were suddenly far too tight. Worse, she was right. What was he going to do to her? He'd never strike her, and if he tried anything like turning her over his knee, it wouldn't be a punishment, not the way his body went hard the moment he touched her. He couldn't even say he'd withhold sex--he'd never last.
Heat slid into his brain at his next thought, and he shared it with her. I'll spend all night just bringing you close and never letting you get off.
She blushed, just the way he'd known she would, the color creeping up her neck into her face. She looked slightly shocked, a little too innocent, and very much as if she believed he might actually resort to his threat. "You're so wrong, Kadan." She couldn't wipe the goofy smile off her face, and that would just encourage his perverse behavior. You're probably very capable of using sex to control me, and worse, you'd probably enjoy yourself while you were at it.
I'd say the probability was extremely high.
Why that would make every nerve ending in her body come alive, she didn't know. "You're so wrong," she repeated, shaking her head. "Seriously, Kadan. You have to understand me. There's something in me that can't let this go now, not until it's done. I've always been like that. My mind won't leave it alone."
"It's getting too dangerous."
"It was always dangerous. You know that. You knew it when you came looking for me and when you offered to let me out of this entire mess. Nothing's changed since then."
"Everything's changed." His jaw tightened. "I . . ." The damn word wouldn't come out, but his heart hurt, gripped in a vise. Everything had changed. Before he'd had nothing to lose; now he had everything to lose, and everything was sitting right beside him on the couch.
"Kadan." Her voice went soft, silky, sliding over him like the touch of her fingers. "Life is a risk. You know that better than anyone. You have to be who you are, a warrior, a man who risks everything to serve others. I have to keep doing what I do. I chose this path and I'm on it now. I can't be less than who I am any more than you can."
"Damn it, Tansy, you're asking me to risk your life. Your sanity. You didn't see yourself last night when I carried you bleeding to bed. You had a seizure and you couldn't even open your eyes or stand noise. If Nico hadn't been here, I have no idea what I would have done."
She waited a heartbeat, just looking at him. Once his eyes locked with hers, she leaned toward him. "I love you, Kadan. I'm not going anywhere. For the first time in my life, I've been able to touch someone without wearing gloves. I've been able to use my talent again when I thought I'd never be able to. Yes, immediately afterward, I'm having repercussions, but the exercises you've given me are working. I don't have the headaches constantly and I can sleep at night. To me, you're a miracle. You always will be. Tracking is important to me. I want to be able to do it when I need to, and I believe I can get to a place, with your help, where I can. Until we figure it out, of course we're going to run into some rough patches . . ." She paused when he made a derisive growling sound, but then continued. "I want to be able to help too, to give back and stop murders when no one else is able to do it."
"I don't like it."
"I know you don't. I don't like you putting your life on the line either, Kadan, but I understand why you need to do it, because I have the same drive."
He shook his head. "I don't have anything else. I could never make it in normal society. We both know that. You've seen inside of me. You recognize what I am. You, on the other hand, have a million other things you can do."
Tansy leaned back in her seat. "You know one has nothing to do with the other. You're arguing because you're afraid for me."
"And for me. I can't lose you."
"Then you'll just have to find a way to protect me. I believe in us. You brought me back so much faster this last time, and I was really far in. We're getting better and better at it. I think the stronger we are as a couple, the stronger a team we'll be when I track."
"I'm never going to win any arguments with you, am I?"
"Probably not, not when it's something that matters to me, but I won't argue with you often," she promised.
"This would work much better if you just did everything I said, Tansy."
She flashed him another smile. "It's going to work just fine."
"All right then." He managed to keep his face entirely blank, but his fingers sank deeper into her calf, massaging her muscle. "Let's get this done. In order for me to eliminate both teams successfully, as well as the puppet master, we have to have all the identities and try to get them all in the same day. As for the puppet master, he's going to be the most difficult, but I have an idea."
"Did someone go to the site of the snake's murder and hunt for a camera? That was a huge mistake on his part."
"Do you want to go into the kitchen?"
"No. I'll bring the last two pieces in here. And your gloves. I'll get Nico's powder and your pills too." He set her leg carefully aside as he stood.
He needed to take a breath where she couldn't see that just the thought of her touching those game pieces made him break into a sweat. He had thought that he could control her, control the situations they were in, but he was finding having a partner meant giving up some of his control.
She sat in the same place, her chin on her drawn-up knee, looking too fragile to go after killers, but he knew she wasn't; she had a steel rod for a spine and more heart than most. When he handed her the gloves, she tangled her fingers with his.
"Kadan. Kiss me."
He didn't hesitate, leaning down to capture her mouth with his, loving her, tasting her fear, her belief in him. He cupped her chin and took his time, savoring her taste, knowing she needed him inside of her the same way he needed her. Then, because he couldn't resist, he opened a few buttons of the shirt she wore--his shirt--and leaned down to bathe the mark he'd made on her with his tongue before pressing kisses over it. He felt her shuddering breath, and something in him eased.
He carefully buttoned her up again. "Tell me what you're planning."
"I'll find him this time and try to observe, but at some point he'll spot me. I'm going to let him and see if he makes a mistake." She rested her forehead against his. "Hang in there with me. I know it will be hard, but just trust me. I'll need you."
He had to be honest. "I don't know if I can, but I'll try."
"This time, you hold the piece in your palm, be the table. I'll cover it with my hands and try to pick up impressions. If I have to, I'll touch the top of the piece and see what I get. That way, you can remove it the moment it's necessary."
Murder Game Page 34