Arousing Past

by Francesca St. Claire

  A lonely tear rolled down Melissa’s face. Joe squatted down in front of her and covered her limp hands with his.

  “Why are you crying, Mel?” he asked softly. “Tell me.”

  She raised her eyes, sadness rooted deep within her, and Joe swiftly moved to her side and took her in his arms.

  All those days, weeks, she’d waited for him, she remembered. Every time the phone rang her pulse had raced, every knock on the door, her stomach had twisted. She had hoped, prayed, it would be him. But it never was. Then one day she had stopped hoping, praying, finally accepting he’d left for good and wouldn’t be coming back for her…or their baby.

  This was the moment of truth. Eight years too late. She stood and went to the window, staring out, gathering courage. She turned around and found Joe staring at her, his expression guarded, not a hint of his thoughts in his watchful eyes. This was it. She had to tell him. He deserved to know they had created a life together.

  “There was a baby once,” she said, her voice frail from the resurgence of grief. “Your baby.” She bit her lip to stop herself from crying again. “I found out I was expecting the day you told me you were moving to California.” She glanced at him when he didn’t speak and met his widened stare and slack jaw. “I was going to tell you…” Her voice faltered. “But you’d set your mind on taking the job…so I decided the baby wasn’t going to be the reason for stopping you from going after what you really wanted.”

  She knew she was talking but she felt removed, as if she were watching herself from a distance. She gripped the back of the chair in front of her.

  “Go on,” he said, his voice flat, his eyes piercing her soul.

  She stared at her white knuckles, lost in the memories. “There’s not a lot more to say.” She raised her head and faced him. “I miscarried on the eighth week,” she said, holding his gaze in a gigantic effort of self-control. Then she told him the lie that she hoped would set her free. “And I’ve hated you ever since.”

  Stunned, Joe remembered that day. He remembered her passionate request not to go. And when that had failed, she’d asked him to take her with him. But he’d dismissed her pleas. He’d believed he had a good reason to go, and a very good, justifiable reason for her to stay behind—she’d needed to finish her studies. He’d deemed her demands unreasonable and selfish. He hadn’t understood why she hadn’t wanted to try a long-distance relationship while finishing college, as he’d suggested.

  I thought she was just being stubborn, unreasonable.

  And she’d let him walk away, thinking badly of her. She’d let him move out of her life without saying a word about the baby.

  A baby. Their baby! Melissa had been pregnant with his child and he’d never known.

  He stood, too tense to remain still. What if she hadn’t miscarried? Would she still have kept her pregnancy a secret from him all these years? Would she have ever told him they’d made a child together? That he was going to be a father? A father, Christ! For eight weeks he had been the father of her unborn child and she hadn’t said a word.

  She let me move to the other side of the country totally ignorant of the situation.

  He walked to her. “Why didn’t you tell me when you found out? I know I said I wanted to take that job, but for God’s sake, you were carrying my child. I would have stood by you. I would have done the right thing.”

  Melissa turned from the anger in his voice. “I didn’t tell you because I was afraid you would hate me…”

  He waited in silence for her to finish.

  “For trapping you like you said your mother had done with your father. I couldn’t do that to you.”

  He had planned to keep the relationship going. He knew it would have been hard but he’d been willing to try. But she had totally dismissed the idea. She had ridiculed him—called him delusional. Then, to add insult to injury, she’d never even come to his farewell party. Her absence had been the final straw. His righteous mind had told him to walk away, claiming she didn’t love him anymore, if she ever truly had. And all along she’d held a part of him inside her that she’d kept secret from him.

  He couldn’t imagine what his life would have been like if he had known about the baby. He knew, though, that no child of his would ever be born out of wedlock. It might be old-fashioned thinking, but he took responsibility seriously, and to him fatherhood was serious business. You play, you pay. No child should suffer from his parents’ careless behaviour. Besides, he’d been so in love with her… Marrying Melissa and starting a family with her, after they’d finished their studies, would have been the natural chain of events.

  He watched her with a guarded look. She’d been attractive then and she sure was a knockout now. Maturity had seasoned her gorgeous body, and had honed her pretty face to stunning beauty. She was ravishing and she didn’t even know it, which made her all the more attractive. He felt a stir in him remembering their passionate lovemaking and how wonderful she’d felt. The second he’d been inside her he’d known there would never be another. In all these years he’d never felt such an intense connection, such great desire to make love to any other woman. He could easily see himself loving her to the end of his days. He wanted to pull her into his arms and hug her tight, grateful for the opportunity that had brought them together again. Instead he stood there, not letting his thoughts be known. Suddenly his phone rang, making her flinch. He eyed her for a long moment before he went to answer the phone, and Melissa slipped quietly into the bathroom.

  She threw water on her face in an attempt to calm herself. Joe was mad, resentful even, with her, she knew. But she’d done the right thing. Or had she?

  Would I have done the same today? Would I have kept it a secret?

  Probably not. But that had been her decision then and she couldn’t change the past.

  In spite of her love for him, the moment she’d learnt of her condition, she’d vowed never to use it to hang on to him as some of her colleagues had done with their boyfriends. But after Joe had left, her future without him seemed impossible, and she’d been tempted—God knew she’d been tempted—to tell him, in the hope he’d stay with her. But she had held on to her belief that love not given freely wasn’t worth having. So she’d let him go, hoping he’d come back for her of his own free will. But he never had. And happy memories and loving words professed a thousand times during their two-year relationship had begun to fade, turn into sorrow. She’d grieved for a long time. First for herself, then for her baby. It had taken her years before she could look at a baby without tearing up. It had taken her longer to get over Joe. And just when she’d thought she had, he’d waltzed back into her life ready to pick up where he’d left off.

  Her shoulders slumped slightly, but when she looked in the mirror her gaze was defiant. “I made the decision then I believed was right. Besides, he promised to stay in touch.” She snorted. “Well, he didn’t, did he?”

  There was a rap on the bathroom door. Joe’s muffled words of excuse were followed by the bedroom door opening and shutting, then silence. He’d left, but this time she knew he’d be back.

  Will he?

  If so, could she forgive him and give their relationship a second chance?

  Will he forgive me?

  Chapter Five

  She got through the weekend basically by staying the hell away from Joe. By Sunday her nerves were wound so tight she was bouncing off the walls. The storm had come and gone without much inconvenience to the guests or disruption to the hotel routine, but Monday couldn’t have come too soon for her. She was so glad she’d taken a week’s vacation. Suddenly the move, which she’d initially seen as a daunting task, became a welcome change from the strenuous atmosphere of the hotel.

  She had found the perfect house in Lexington, for the right price and near Potter Pond, her preferred neighbourhood. The condo had open living and dining room spaces with cathedral ceilings, a huge deck and beautiful landscaping. She’d be able to get a dog—a long overdue dream of hers. She loved th
e house and the area—she hoped to settle there and perhaps even raise a child one day… Wishful thinking.

  It could happen. Joe had said so. What? I’m thinking foolishly here, and after the way we parted the other day? No chance of him renewing his wishes now! No, we are done, and this time forever.

  Another relationship that had also finished was her one with Tim. She sighed deeply. No point in fooling herself into thinking she could fall in love with him. Not after she and Joe had made love again. Tim deserved better than to be anybody’s second best. And the sooner she told him they were finished the better, she decided, reaching for her cell phone. She didn’t relish having to tell a perfectly suitable, caring man that she didn’t want to see him any longer. Probably a very stupid move on her part, but it couldn’t be helped. She was in love with another man. And whether or not they would end up together, Joe would always have her heart.

  But did she have his? She had his lust, for sure. Their lovemaking was proof of it. Their passion had been everything she remembered and more, much more. Her gaze wandered dreamily into the distance. Was there a future for them? And while they cherished fond memories, could they expect the past to sustain the present? Did their relationship have room to grow?

  I must think carefully, I don’t want to put myself through the pain and heartbreak all over again.

  True, but the connection was so strong—the comfort she’d found in his arms, and the similar values they’d shared in the past would surely help rebuild the bond.

  I’m dreaming. I don’t know him anymore.

  They could go slowly, she supposed, reacquaint themselves little by little.

  He’s ignored me for two whole days.

  She’d left the hotel halfway through Sunday, had been gone all day Monday, but he hadn’t bothered to contact her at home…

  She raised her chin. Well, if he truly wanted to get in touch with her, he only had to find her number in the hotel’s management contact sheet, then call her.

  If he really wished to contact me…

  * * * *

  The bulk of the work was done. Time for a glass of wine and a well-deserved rest. She’d worked solid for the past two days, except for meeting Tim, taking a few breaks to eat and having a short, restless night of sleep. The place was finally starting to resemble a home, she thought, as she scanned the room with appraising eyes. Yes, this was definitely home. Happiness overcame her, and even her breakup with Tim couldn’t spoil the peaceful joy twirling inside her. As sorry as she was for ruining Tim’s expectations, she was glad their relationship was over because, in spite of his suitability, she knew with absolute certainty he wasn’t the one for her. Maybe they’d remain friends. Time would tell.

  No word on Joe.

  She hadn’t expected to hear from him, not after the way they’d parted, but she’d still hoped. He’d been in the hotel less than a week, swamped with paperwork and pressing decisions, so she was sure he had enough on his plate to prevent him from thinking about an old fling, or to run after one he must so decisively resent now.

  Taking her wine onto the deck, she went to sit on her new patio chair. Congratulating herself for having left the city at the right time of the year, she looked around, admiring and wondering at the sights before her. After a long, hot, muggy summer, during which she had practically lived on artificial air, she was ready for this change—fresh air, peace and quiet, a new home…a new beginning. She leant back and closed her eyes, the late afternoon sun warm on her face.

  Nice.

  The sweet smell of snapdragons blooming in the flower beds against the side of the house and the lovely scent of freshly cut grass filled the air. No traffic noise, no sirens…just silence.

  Wonderful.

  She gazed into the blue sky and allowed her mind to wander from one subject to another until she completely lost her train of thought.

  * * * *

  “Mel?”

  Huh? Had she heard Joe calling her?

  If only.

  She’d obviously dozed off and dreamt of Joe, she mused, her eyes still closed as she lingered over the residual memory of a very pleasant dream.

  “Mel?”

  There was his voice again, but she was no longer asleep or dreaming. She opened her eyes—the sun had set and night was falling. It took her a moment to recognise her whereabouts. Slowly, she sat up and peered around only to find Joe watching her, smiling as he stood by the railings. It was as if she’d been drawn to him like a magnet. Her breath caught in her throat. Perhaps she was still dreaming… She stood up awkwardly and approached him.

  “Joe…what are doing here?” Silly question. What could he possibly be doing in Lexington other than to see her?

  “I came for the housewarming party, am I too early?”

  Her lips twitched, releasing some of the tension brought on by his unexpected presence. “A tad early.”

  “Seeing I came all this way on such a hot day, do you think you could invite me in and offer me a beer?”

  The butterflies in her stomach were ridiculous. How did he manage to turn her world upside down in a blink of an eye? How did he make her forget she was mad at him, in two easy breaths? A smile, a couple of gentle words, and she was ready to throw herself into his arms.

  “I think I can manage that. Come in.”

  It felt so right to have Joe sitting next to her in her living room. Her first visitor to her new home. First visitor, first lover…so many firsts she’d shared with him. But would he be her last? Her mind flashed back to their recent night together. Her cheeks reddened at the thought of their passionate lovemaking. She’d practically thrown herself at him. She’d been so wild—her dormant passion coming unleashed. Okay, there were special circumstances to consider—she’d been upset, distraught, though she’d known what she was doing, and had loved every minute they were together. She blushed so hard her face felt as if it was on fire.

  Joe seemed to have guessed what she was thinking and put a hand to her chin, bringing her around to face him. “It was mutual. I don’t take women to bed out of pity, Mel. And I certainly don’t keep taking them to bed unless I desire them,” he said, his eyes burning into hers.

  Her heart flipped. “Joe…” The name was expelled with the release of her trapped breath.

  “I mean it, Mel, I want a second chance. I won’t give up.” He smiled a little as he took her hand and placed it over his heart. “I felt something the other night I’ve never experienced with anybody else but with you. I need you in my life, Mel. For real.” He held her gaze and pressed her hand against his steady heartbeat. “You won’t regret it, Mel, I promise you.”

  How could she forgo his kisses, his touch? How could she renounce the chance of perhaps a lifetime of happiness? How could she deny her heart? His words were washing over her like a healing balm. Too entranced by his eyes and his words to tell him all was okay—perfect, in fact—Melissa kissed him back with all the passion raging inside her, with all the love growing by leaps and bounds with every breath she took.

  “I love you, Joe,” she murmured, kissing his lips. “I’ve never stopped loving you.”

  “Oh, Mel!” His mouth pressed over hers giving, giving, and taking a little until she sighed.

  “I want to show what I can do for you—what we can have together,” he said, his hands gentle, lips tender, each move fluid and loving, showing how much he cared. “I love you, Mel. So very much,” he said with feeling, the look in his eyes matching his loving words.

  She blinked at him in confusion, overwhelmed with the news. But if they were going to stay together she needed to know the truth. “You do?”

  “I do.”

  “Is that why you came to Boston?”

  He nodded. “I wanted to find out if you were still the woman I remembered, that I had once loved.” He took her hands and kissed one, then the other. “Or someone I wanted to stay the hell away from for the rest of my life.” He chuckled. “But when you walked into that room, either I fell in love
with you all over again, or I was still in love with you from before. I don’t know, but I do know I love you now.”

  She leapt into his arms, kissing and hugging him. Her joy was so huge, her love so overwhelming, she felt dizzy. Silly.

  “I won’t ever leave you, Mel, I promise.” Joe’s rasped words against her throat sent her into a frenzy of passion and they began tugging at each other’s clothes.

  “Not here. Not on the couch,” she said, stopping him. “Come with me.”

  As if she couldn’t trust him to follow her fast enough, she took his hand and led him through the house into the bedroom.

  “Nice,” he said as they stood side by side, holding hands, at her bedroom door.

  She’d made the bed all in white and ivory. And earlier, when she’d gone out food shopping, in a moment of sheer romanticism, she’d bought very expensive long-stemmed white roses that looked phenomenal on her dresser.

  “The bed appears comfortable, shall we try it?” he whispered as he began nibbling on her ear.

  She giggled with anticipation of pleasures to come. He picked her up then carried her across the room before resting her gently on the bed.

  Like on a honeymoon… She was seduced by this romantic gesture.

  He removed her flat sandals and kissed the arch of one foot, next he tugged her into a standing position. With a flick of his wrist he turned down the bedcover, then cupped her face in his hands and began kissing her lingeringly and thoroughly. When he stopped she was a mess. Cottony knees. Puffed up lips. Racing pulse. Their gazes met and held. Melissa arched against him, seeking relief for the need throbbing inside her, for the love threatening to burst in her chest. But once he pulled away she followed him, clasping her hands on his hips. He once again covered her mouth with his, their thighs rubbing, his chest brushing her breasts in a deliciously slow seduction of the senses.