Even though we didn’t truly know one another, his heaviness felt so familiar.
Out of everyone in town, I knew my heart most closely resembled the monster who I’d been told was nothing but darkness.
That was what I craved.
I wanted to sit in the dark and be okay with my feelings.
I wanted to bathe in the darkness and let go of the light.
I wanted to be free to feel whatever I wanted to feel without the fear of others’ judgments being placed upon me.
I wanted to be free.
If only for one night…
17
Grace
Mama set me up.
When she called me to say she wanted to apologize for everything that happened at the church service, I should’ve known something was up. She wasn’t one to apologize—she was more one to request apologies.
When I arrived at her house a few days after finding out about Autumn’s pregnancy, and I saw the bright smile on Mama’s face, I knew something was off. I should’ve just stayed at The Silent Bookshop and avoided humans at all costs.
Especially Mama because her loyalty seemed to lay elsewhere.
My eyes locked with the man standing in front of me. “Finley.”
He was dressed in that yellow polo that I hated, and he’d recently shaved.
I hated that I noticed.
“Why are you here?” I asked him.
Mama walked over to me and gave me a small smile. “I think it’s about time you talk with your husband.”
I huffed. “Are you kidding me?”
“Grace, I’ve been calling you,” Finn stated.
“Have you? I couldn’t tell because I blocked your number.”
“Listen, I—”
Slap.
I slapped him hard against the cheek, and Mama gasped.
“Gracelyn Mae! What in the world has come over you?!” she barked, horrified.
I tilted my head in her direction. “Why in the world would you invite him here?”
“You wouldn’t speak to him any other way,” she told me.
“Can you blame me? After what happened?”
She looked baffled by my words, and I turned back to Finn. “You didn’t tell her, did you? I shouldn’t be shocked, seeing how you didn’t even have the guts to tell me yourself. It’s crazy I had to hear it from Autumn.”
“Wait…she told you?” Finn’s shoulders drooped, and he looked so pathetic. “Grace, I—”
“What’s going on?” Mama asked, but I didn’t have the patience to explain it to her.
I turned her way and shook my head in disbelief. “Would it kill you to choose me, Mama?” Would that honestly be the end of the world for you to put your daughter first?” I barked her way before storming out of the house.
“Grace, wait!” Finn said, chasing after me. I tossed off the high heels and hurried into the town square, which was packed with people and live music. Finn stayed right beside me, and as he caught up, he grabbed my arm and yanked me back, making me stumble.
“We have to talk,” he told me.
“I have nothing to say to you,” I snapped.
He grumbled and shook his head. “We need to discuss everything. Grace, I know it’s probably hard to believe but, I still love you. I’m so confused and—”
“Finley, I swear if you do not take your hands off me, I will murder you,” I shouted, making a few people turn our way. My heart rate kept climbing with each second. He was making me physically ill. The way he could stand there with his hands on my body and confess his love for me made me want to vomit.
It was so ridiculous—the whole concept of it.
He was just wasting his time speaking words of love, because I no longer believed in love.
“You’re acting outrageous, Grace. Stop yelling in public,” someone said behind me. “Keep your voice down.” I looked up and saw Mama speaking my way, and her word choices stunned me.
“Mama, for the love of God, just butt out of my life!”
“Do not use the Lord’s name in vain, Gracelyn Mae,” Mama ordered me, but I rolled my eyes.
“What does it matter, Mama? He’s not even real.”
“What is getting in your head? Or should I say who?” she asked.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You’ve been seen around a lot with Jackson Emery, Grace,” Finn stated. “Your mom called me because she’s been worried about you.”
I huffed. “She’s worried about me being seen around with Jackson, but she wasn’t worried about my husband being a cheater.”
“Are you sleeping with him?” Mama asked.
“Excuse me?” My jaw dropped at her question.
“She wouldn’t,” Finn said, defending me, which irritated me more than ever. “She’s too…well, she’s Grace.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked him, my chest burning.
“What I mean is you’re you. You would never do anything that would be…wrong. You’d never cheat on me.”
“Said the cheater.”
“I’m just saying, you’re not…I don’t know… You’re just you. You’re not a rebel or anything. You just don’t have it in you to do such a thing. You never act out. You were always the safe choice.”
I hated him. I hated him because it was clear he was calling me tame, boring, basic. I hated him because he was right, too.
I was loyal to others, and I always had been. I never acted out, no matter how tempted I was, because I feared how it would affect others’ lives. I worried how people would label me. I was afraid of how others would view me if I did certain things they deemed ungraceful.
I lived my whole life quietly, staying in line in order to live the life Mama taught me I was supposed to live.
I did it all right, too.
I was faithful, honest, kind, and well-behaved.
Yet at the end of the day, when all was said and done, none of it mattered. He still chose her even though I was everything I thought he’d ever wanted. He still fell into her bed even though I was the “safe choice.”
“I’m never going to speak to you again. Do you understand that, Finley James? Never,” I told him repeatedly.
“Please, Grace. Stop talking,” Mama scolded me. “Now, let’s go inside to discuss this in a private setting. You’re acting immature.”
Immature?
She hadn’t even seen immature, but I was tired that afternoon. I was tired of being told what to do, how to act, what to be. I couldn’t even think of the last time I made a choice that was mine and mine alone.
Yet she had the nerve to call me immature.
So, that’s exactly what I became.
“Excuse me, excuse me,” I said, hurrying to the stage where a band was playing. I cut right in. “Sorry, Josh, I’ll get the microphone back to you in just a second,” I said, using my deep Southern belle charm voice as I grabbed the microphone from the stand. “It’s just that I wanted to clear up some of the rumors circulating around town lately about Finley’s and my relationship.”
“Gracelyn Mae, get off that stage right now!” Mama barked from the wing of the stage.
I gestured toward her. “If y’all didn’t notice, the Queen of Chester showed up tonight. Let’s give my mama, Loretta Harris, a big round of applause. Isn’t she a beauty?” Everyone started clapping for Mama, and she gave her big Southern fake smile and waved.
Then she hissed toward me, and said, “Give me the microphone.”
“Sorry, Queen,” I stated, slightly bowing toward her. “You can have the microphone in a second, but first Princess Grace is going to say a few words if that’s okay.” I turned back to the group of individuals staring my way, and I took a deep breath. “First and foremost, it feels good to be back in Chester. This place is the best home I’ve ever had and—”
Before I could finish speaking, the microphone went out, and I turned to see Mama holding the unplugged cord in her hand. She looked pleased that she cut me
off, and that only made me angrier.
I dropped the mic. “It seems we are having some technical difficulties, so I’m just going to need y’all to stay really quiet for a second as I give you all the great news! It turns out that we’re expecting a child!” I exclaimed, and I listened to the gasps in the area, and my eyes zoomed in on Finn. “But by ‘we’ I don’t mean Finley and me. That’s not the ‘we’ he has anymore. His ‘we’ is now him and Autumn Langston, my best friend. You all know her. Bible study teaching Autumn, the woman who’s been screwing my husband for the past few months.” When I spotted Autumn in the crowd, she was frozen. “They are expecting their first child, so if we could all just give them a big round of applause.” The space stayed quiet, and I began slow clapping. I was the only one clapping at all. I then stared straight into Finn’s eyes and took a deep breath. “Congratulations on the pregnancy, Finley James.” I blinked once and fought the tears that were trying to come. “I know it’s what you always wanted.”
With that, I stormed off the stage, and Mama had a horrified look in her eyes. “Grace…I didn’t know…” she told me, but I didn’t care.
“Don’t you have a son you should be consoling during this hard time?” I asked her. “I’m sure Finn could truly use your support.”
I brushed past her, and past everyone who was now whispering about me and the nightmare that was my life. I just kept walking faster and faster until I found myself standing in front of Jackson’s cabin door, banging on it repeatedly. I had finally done something outside of my good girl nature. I hadn’t done the right thing, Lord knows I was wrong, but still, somehow it felt oh-so-good.
18
Jackson
Grace was out of breath as I opened my front door. She’d been pounding on the wood like a madwoman, and when caught sight of her, she even looked the part.
“Hi,” she said, her breaths heaving in and out.
“Hi,” I replied.
“Can I come in?”
I stepped to the side, allowing her access.
She began to pace the living room, and I could almost feel how crazed her mind had to be. Her steps were quick and erratic, her mind spinning fast.
“What is it?” I asked her.
“I need you to sleep with me,” she blurted out.
“What?”
“I said I need you to—”
“No, I heard you.”
“Then why did you say what?”
“Because even though I heard you, it just seemed so damn ridiculous.” I raised an eyebrow. “Are you drunk?”
“Nope, and I’m thinking straight for the first time in a while.”
“And thinking straight means wanting to sleep with me?”
“Yes.”
I kept my eyebrow raised. “Are you drunk?” I repeated, and she began to blush.
“No, Jackson. Come on, I’m serious.”
I leaned against the wall and crossed my arms. “Who pissed you off?”
She kept pacing. “It doesn’t matter. All I need to know is if you’ll have sex with me or not.”
“Princess—”
“I’m not a princess!” she snapped, pausing her steps. She looked my way, and her stare was heavy as she released a weighted sigh. “I’m tired of this. I’m tired of being the princess, the good girl, the girl next door. I’ve been that all my life, and it’s gotten me nowhere. It’s gotten me nothing.”
“So the next step, obviously, is sleeping with me,” I joked. She walked over and stood in front of me.
“Yes.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because you’re the exact opposite of good.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment.”
A smirked lifted the corner of her mouth. “I knew you would.”
“Grace, you don’t want to do this…” I warned as she moved closer.
“Yes, I do.”
“People in town say I’m dangerous, and they aren’t wrong. I’m unstable sometimes, lashing out without warning.”
“That doesn’t scare me. Besides…” Her steps moved her closer until we were standing inches apart. My back was still resting against the wall, and her breaths were coming faster and faster with each second. “Maybe I need a little danger in my life.”
Her hand brushed against my neck, and I closed my eyes as the feel of her fingertips danced across my skin.
“You’ll regret it,” I promised her.
She lightly snickered in disbelief. “Do you ever regret sex?”
I opened my eyes and burned my stare into her blues.
She heard my reply without me speaking a word. Hesitation hit her for a moment as confusion swarm in her stare.
“I use it to forget,” I confessed.
“To forget what?”
“Everything.”
She nodded slowly. “I want to forget, too.”
“Forget what?”
“Everything.”
Two people who wanted to forget everything together…there were only a million ways that could go wrong.
“This is a bad idea,” I warned.
“Yes,” she agreed. “But still, I want it.”
I grimaced. “You’re sad.”
“Yes.” She nodded. “You’re sadder.”
Yes.
Her hands landed on my chest, and she looked up into my eyes. “You don’t scare me, Jackson Emery.”
“I should.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because sometimes I scare myself.”
She still stayed so close. Her body pressed against mine, and dammit if I didn’t pull her closer—how could I not? Gracelyn Mae invoked that odd sense of familiarity I hadn’t ever felt before.
Even when you didn’t want her near you, you somehow found yourself moving closer.
My hands against her lower back as her hips made contact with mine. What was it about her that forced my body to go against my mind?
“I’ve read about boys like you in books, ya know,” she whispered, her fingers slowly spinning spirals on my chest.
“Oh, yeah? What did those books teach you about boys like me?”
“Well…” She bit her bottom lip, and with a small inhalation, she whispered, “They taught me to stay away.”
“Then why are you so close?”
She tilted her head up, looking me straight in the eyes. “Because in those stories, the heroine never ever listens.”
“And then there’s trouble?” I asked.
“Yes, and then there’s trouble.”
From the way she said those words, I knew trouble was exactly what she was in search of. We were the classic cliché. She was the good girl next door, I the monster from around the block. We were perfect opposites for the perfect storm, and she was asking me to be her next flaw, her greatest mistake.
And, well, who was I not to live up to her request?
“I could destroy you,” I warned.
“Or save me.”
“Is it worth the risk?”
“Isn’t it always worth the risk?”
The more she touched me, the more I wanted to touch her back. I wrapped my hands around her wrists flipping us around so she was now against the wall with her hands above her head. “I have rules.” I leaned in closer, lightly brushing my lips against her neck. God, she smelled good, like peaches and my next sin. “You can’t break these rules, either.” My tongue rolled from my mouth and circled against her neck before I gently sucked her skin.
She shivered at my touch. “What are they?”
“Rule one,” I whispered, my mouth moving across her collarbone. “You never stay the night.”
“Check.”
“Rule number two,” I said, dropping her left arm to the side. Taking my hand to the bottom of her blouse, I slowly raised it up and massaged her skin. “You never develop feelings.”
“That’s easy enough,” she replied, her breaths uneven as I teased at the top button on her jeans. “I don’t believe in feelings anymore.”
<
br /> I didn’t know why, but that made me sad for her. I, too, didn’t believe in falling for people, but that was my norm. Grace seemed the type to believe in something bigger than love, so the fact that her belief was completely gone was a bit surprising.
Maybe we had more in common than I thought.
“Rule number three…we don’t talk about my life.”
“Like ever?”
“Never.”
“Okay.”
“And lastly, rule number four…” My mouth brushed against hers, and I slid my tongue slowly across her bottom lip. “If your favorite pair of panties get ripped, don’t expect me to replace them.”
Her cheeks reddened. She blushed so easily, and my new mission was to make her blush throughout the whole evening.
Our lips stayed lightly pressed against one another, and I breathed her in as she rested her left hand against my chest. “I have a rule, too,” she told me.
I cocked an eyebrow. “And it is?”
“You don’t sleep with anyone else while we’re sleeping together.” She looked up and locked eyes with me. “I just need to be the only one for the time being. I can’t do this if you’re doing it with someone else.”
“You want my loyalty?”
“Yes.”
It wasn’t just a want, but a need. The betrayal in Grace’s life recently was so overwhelming that her heart needed something that was hers, even if only for a few moments in time. She needed me to only place my lips to hers, to only slide between her thighs, to only make her moan.
“Here’s the thing,” I started, staring down at the band on my arm. “I use sex to forget. I use it to keep me from using…other things. So, if it came down to me needing you at a moment’s notice…”
“I’ll be here,” she promised. “I won’t leave you alone.”
My finger trailed down her neck, and I couldn’t take my eyes off her. She was beautiful, that was a given, but she was also broken, just like me. My broken pieces stayed shattered, and hers intermixed with them.
We were just two broken people, uninterested in being fixed.
“Do something for me?” I said softly against her neck, kissing her lightly, slowly, breathing her in.
“What’s that?”
Disgrace Page 15