“Oh, God. I’m so sorry.”
I felt like such a dumbass.
“No, it’s fine. I mean, it’s not, but it is, you know? That’s why I wanted to get the tattoos today, to honor them. I’m not gonna lie, though—running into Autumn and seeing her pregnant today of all days really hit me hard.”
“I cannot believe that happened,” I whispered, combing her hair behind her ear. “I cannot understand how the two of them could’ve ever done that to you.”
“She gave him the one thing I couldn’t,” she replied. “That’s all I ever wanted to be for him, ya know? For me. All I ever wanted was to have a family, to be a mother, and for some reason, I couldn’t do the thing women are supposed to be able to do. I couldn’t…” She took a sharp inhale and closed her eyes. “All I wanted was to give him a family, and instead, he went out and created one for himself.”
“I’m so sorry, Grace.”
She gave me the saddest tight smile and shrugged. “Sometimes life is so unfair, but I guess that’s the way it is. I guess I’m just an almost girl.”
“An almost girl?”
“You know…” She released a hard exhale. “The girl who almost gets the dream. I almost had a forever love, I almost had a forever marriage, and I was almost a mother, but after seven losses, I finally realized it wasn’t in the cards for me. The doctors said if we kept trying, my body wouldn’t be able to take it, but truthfully, I was more worried about my mind. I felt like I was losing it with each day that passed. I hadn’t even had a chance to come to terms with that fact before Finn walked out on me. My mind was too broken. My heart was too sore. I’m just tired of being an almost person, that’s all.”
“That’s not a thing,” I told her, taking her hand in mine. “Being an almost mother isn’t a thing. You have seven children, whether they made it here or not doesn’t take away from the fact they existed. They were yours, and they were loved fully if only for those small moments. You are a mother, Grace. I am so, so sorry you were never able to hold your babies, but you are, and always will be, a mother.”
Her body began to tremble, and I pulled her in closer, trying my best to let it be known that she wasn’t alone that night.
“I sometimes pretend I knew their genders, and I gave them all names,” she confessed.
“What are their names?”
“Emerson, Jamie, Karla, Michael, Jaxon, Phillip, and Steven,” she said, tears rolling down her cheeks.
“Those are beautiful names.”
It came in waves, her pain. For a few moments, she was fine, but then it was like the truth overtook her once more, the truth of all the losses she’d faced over the years.
No words I could say to bring her comfort.
Nothing I did would make her pain go away, so, I did the only thing I could for the remainder of the night—I held her. I let her fall apart in my arms, and let her not be okay.
I held her so tight for so long and when it came time for her eyes to rest, she faded to sleep against my chest. It broke my heart that in her dreams, the tears still fell.
Even in her dreams, the place she was supposed to find peace, she was still falling apart.
She deserved more, more than this world had given her. She deserved happiness more than anyone else out there. I hated that life had been so hard for someone so good. I hated that bad things swallowed the heart of the most graceful woman.
I hated that I couldn’t fix her cracks that night.
She just deserved so much more.
* * *
We stayed in bed longer than we should’ve, and I held her body against mine longer than I’d planned. She was still sleeping, her breaths weaving in and out as her chest rose and fell against me. I hadn’t even noticed it until it happened, my lips falling against her forehead. She’d spent the previous night broken, telling me about her darkest days, and as she spoke, I knew she was reliving each moment.
Emerson, Jamie, Karla, Steven…
The children she never got to hold, the lives she craved so much, the souls who’d said goodbye before they ever had a hello.
I couldn’t imagine her pain. I couldn’t imagine her hurts.
All I could do was hold her and hope my touch was enough to help her through those memories. If ever there was a woman who deserved to be a mother, it was Grace.
The world was selfish, unjust. How could so many undeserving people be given the opportunity to raise children they didn’t even want while so many worthy individuals didn’t get the chance?
She shifted a bit and snuggled closer as a yawn left her lips.
“I slept over,” she whispered.
“You did,” I replied.
“I’m sorry. I know the rules.” She sat up and stretched. “I’ll get going.”
“Or well…”
“What is it?” she asked, looking over her shoulder. Her hair was a mess, and I wasn’t certain how she could get any more beautiful.
“Are you all right? After last night?”
She turned my way and gave me a tired smile. “I’m always all right.”
“Yeah, I know…but if you’re not, you can…” Stay. You can stay with me. “I mean, if you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here.”
Her eyes softened before she broke her stare away from mine. “Careful, Jackson,” she whispered, raking her fingers through her hair. “Summer’s almost over, and you shouldn’t make my heart skip like that. Now, come on,” she said, sitting on the edge of the bed beside me. “Say something less sweet. Say something mean to me.”
“I don’t want to say anything mean.”
“Yes, but if we are going to keep things going, we need to balance out the nice moments with some mean ones. Say anything. Think of something nice you’d like to tell me, and just say the opposite.”
“All right. I think you’re the ugliest person I’ve ever seen. Your face reminds me of a garbage can, and every time you leave, I’m happy you’re gone.”
She leaned in closer and rested her forehead against mine. “Oh,” she said softly. “So the truth is the opposite of that?”
I nodded slightly. “The opposite is the truth.”
“Jackson Emery?” She shut her eyes.
“Yes?” I shut mine.
“My heart’s doing that skipping thing again.”
“Well, maybe that’s okay, you know? Maybe sometimes hearts have to skip in order to keep beating.”
“Can I stay a few more minutes?” she asked, her voice shaky and unsure.
“Yes, and then you can stay a few more after that.”
I wrapped her in my hold, and we lay back down on the bed. The way she melted into me made my mind fog up, but I didn’t mind. I hadn’t felt this way in so long—intimate, protective. I wanted to protect her from the world, from her hurts, from her pain, yet also, selfishly, I just wanted to keep her close to me. I wanted to feel her against my skin, against my lips, against my chest. I wanted to feel her in my heart…
My heart…
Damn my heart.
I didn’t know it still knew how to beat.
35
Grace
“You guys, this is stupid!” Judy complained as Hank and I sat across from her in their living room. “I just don’t think this is a good idea, and the timing is all wrong. Mama and Daddy are already doing so much, and they are as busy as ever. I think this is just silly,” she whined, pulling on the hem of her dress.
“Judith Rae, I swear to God if you try to back out of this now, I’m going to kick you so hard you’ll land in California. Now, come on, do it again,” I ordered, sitting on the couch beside Hank as my sister stood with a stack of paper her hands.
“But...” She frowned and bit her fingernails.
Hank stood, walked toward her, and took her hands in his. “Babe, look at me. You are the best woman I’ve ever known, and you are the best preacher I’ve ever had the pleasure of listening to, okay? You deserve this chance, and I can promise you there ain’t no way we are goin
g to let you pass it up, okay? Now focus. You got this. You can do this.”
“How do you know?” she asked, her voice shaky. “How do you know I can do it?”
“Because you’re you. You can do anything.”
I loved them so much it was almost sickening.
“Now come on,” Hank barked, slapping her butt. “Preach that sermon for Grace and me.” He went back to the couch and sat down.
Judy took a deep breath and released it slowly. Then she began to deliver one of the most moving sermons I’d ever sat through. She felt the words, and I could hear in her voice how much she believed in what she was saying. It was a beautiful thing to watch, my little sister growing up into her own person.
She did this on her own; this was her gift, her talent, not anyone else’s. She was born to be a preacher. She’d found her light, the thing that made her happy, and no one could take that from her.
I couldn’t have been prouder.
When she finished, I wiped my eyes, ridding myself of the tears she’d brought to life.
“Was it okay?” she asked, still nervous.
I stood and pulled her into the tightest hug ever. “It was more than okay. It was so freaking good, Judy, beyond words good. Now just do that same thing at dinner tonight with Mama and Dad.”
She took a breath and nodded. “Okay. Thank you, both of you, for believing in me. I wouldn’t be doing this crazy thing if it wasn’t for y’all.”
“Always and always,” I told her, squeezing her hands and smiling. “Now I better get to dyeing my hair before dinner.”
“I’m sorry, come again?” Judy’s mouth dropped open. “What do you mean dye your hair? Grace, Mama would have a fit! Does she even know that you have a tattoo yet?”
“No, but she’ll be fine.”
“Are we talking about the same Mama?” she joked.
Hank narrowed his eyes. “This seems like a sister conversation, so I’m going to go watch ESPN in the bedroom.”
He snuck away, leaving Judy to stare at me with concern. “Grace...” she started. “Is this you? I mean, listen, if you always wanted to do these things like dye your hair and get tattoos, I’m all about it. Lord knows if anyone deserves to find themselves, it’s you. I just want to make sure this is of your own doing and not Jackson’s influence.”
“Judy.” I took her hands into mine. “This is all me.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
She nodded. “What color hair?”
“Burgundy.”
Her eyes widened. “You want to kill her.” She laughed. “You want to kill our mother.”
“Think of it this way. If she doesn’t die from this, she’ll probably live forever.”
“Okay, well, come on. Let’s get this over with.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m not going to let you dye your hair alone. I’m going to help you color it. Two set of hands are better than one, I’m guessing.”
I loved how my sister was always there for me, even if she didn’t understand my choices.
She loved me enough to let me explore unmarked territory, and she never let me walk it alone.
* * *
We headed to dinner, and Judy’s nerves were all over the place. Mama and Dad sat down at the table as their chef served us dinner. Hank and I couldn’t stop smiling from the excitement of what was about to take place.
The meal was wrapping up, and Judy hadn’t spoken up once. So, I decided to take charge. “I think Judy has something she wants to share with us all,” I said, getting everyone’s attention. Judy shot me a harsh look, but I just grinned.
“Oh?” Dad asked, looking over at my sister. “What is it, Judy?”
“I, uh, I…” she started, her voice trembling.
“Spit it out, Judith,” Mama ordered.
“Well, I was just, I was thinking, maybe, I mean, maybe one day I could do a sermon at a Sunday service. I even—” Before she could even reach for the printed copy of her sermon, Mama and Dad broke into laughter.
“You doing a sermon?” Dad remarked, tickled pink by the idea, which made me more upset than anything. He was supposed to be different. He was supposed to support Judy’s dream, but then again, in my parents’ minds, Judy was just a pretty little girl who didn’t have big dreams.
“Oh, honey.” Mama giggled. “That’s a good one. Now what did you really want to say?”
My parents missed it—the way my sister’s spirit wilted.
Hank started to open his mouth, to protest their laughter, but Judy placed a hand on his knee and gently shook her head.
“I was just gonna say I’m really looking forward to the Founder’s Day parade,” Judy choked out, holding back her tears as she sat up straight like a proper young lady.
“Yes, it’s going to be fantastic, and you get to ride on the float, too! You’re going to be the prettiest girl in town, Judy,” Mama remarked.
“She’s more than just a pretty girl, Mama,” I barked, more than irritated.
“Grace,” Judy said softly, giving me a look that begged me to drop it.
For her, I would, but still, I was pissed off.
“Oh, I forgot Hank and I have a meeting for the parade in about fifteen minutes, so we’re going to head out.” Judy pushed her chair back from the table and kept her smile on her face. “Come on, Hank,” she said.
“But…”
She bit her bottom lip to hold back her tears. “Please, Hank, we can’t be late.”
He reluctantly stood and left with her, and then my parents went back to casual conversation as if nothing had even happened.
“Are you kidding me?” I snapped, making the two of them look in my direction.
“I beg your pardon?” Mama questioned.
“What is it, Grace?” Dad asked.
“How could you do that to her? How could you laugh in her face when she brought up preaching a sermon?”
“Oh, Gracelyn Mae”—Mama rolled her eyes—“that was just your sister being her silly self.”
“No, it wasn’t. She’s been practicing for weeks, probably months, and when she finally built up the nerve to tell you two, you laughed in her face. How did you not see it? How did you not see how your laughter hurt her? She pretty much bolted out of the room.”
“She couldn’t be serious,” Dad said, baffled. “Judy isn’t a preacher.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I said with narrowed eyes, confusion swimming through my brain.
“Well, you know, your sister is into different things like shopping, throwing events around town, party planning—things like that. She’s more like the town cheerleader. She’s not one to run a church,” he said. At that moment, for the first time ever, I saw my father in a different light.
“You think she’s stupid?” I asked.
“I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t have to,” I snapped. “I’ll have you know she is a preacher. I’ve listened to her, and she is one of the strongest voices I’ve ever heard. She has so much heart and compassion for every person in the world. She is gifted beyond compare, and you had the nerve to laugh in her face when she came to tell you her dream!” I hollered, overly passionate about trying to get them to understand.
“Grace, lower your voice,” Mama ordered.
“No. I won’t be silent about this. She worked so hard for this, and you two were so disrespectful. If you ever had a dream and you took it to Judy, she would cheer you on for the rest of your life. She’d believe in you more than you’d believe in yourself, and you two didn’t even give her a moment to breathe.”
“I think it’s time for you to leave the table,” Mama said, her voice low and annoyed.
Dad didn’t speak a word.
That hurt me more than anything else.
My eyes stayed on him, and I couldn’t help the tears that filled my eyes. “I’d expect this from her, Dad, but you too? You’re supposed to be the one who believes in us. You’re suppo
sed to be the one who listens to our dreams and tells us we can fly. The person you were tonight? The way you laughed at my sister? I don’t even know who you are right now.”
“That’s comical, coming from the girl having an affair,” Mama snapped.
“Excuse me?” I asked, perplexed.
“You know exactly what I’m talking about. Just go, Grace. Leave. Go run off to see that delinquent boy of yours.”
I sarcastically laughed. “Wow. I’ve been waiting for you to throw that in my face, but I think your timing is off. That has nothing to do with the issue at hand.”
“It has everything to do with the issue at hand. Your word and your character are void to me right now because you are running around town like a wild woman. I mean, seriously! Tattoos?! Burgundy hair?! What is going on with you? This isn’t you. And you’re skipping around with a filthy dog who doesn’t even deserve a bone. Yet you’re just giving him all of you like a disgusting whore.”
My mouth dropped open. “What did you just call me?”
“Do you know the damage control I’ve had to do because of your rampage these past few weeks? Tattoos on your skin…leaving Jackson’s place late at night—do you know how hard it has been for me?”
“How hard it’s been?” I huffed. “For you?”
“Yes. Do you know what people have been saying to me? What they have been saying about our family?”
“No. Do you know what people have been saying about me? You know what, I can’t do this. I cannot talk to you.”
“You’re a disgrace to this family’s name! Sleeping around with that dirty monster when you’re married.”
My heart was breaking, and she didn’t even notice. I swallowed hard and lowered my head. “Finley cheated on me, not the other way around, but what do you care? It seems you’re determined to choose everyone but your daughters lately. I’m done with it all. I’m done with the church and their judgments, and I’m done with you and yours. By the way, over the past few weeks, Jackson has treated me with more respect than you ever have in all of my life, so if he’s a monster, Mama, that must make you the Devil.”
Disgrace Page 24