I sit down beside him and neither of us speaks for several minutes, just listening to the noise of the neighbor kids playing in their garden and the music from the radio in his kitchen as it drifts down toward us. Jessie reaches out and grips my hand, squeezing it tightly. I grip it back just as hard, feeling like I could burst into tears. I really don’t want to lose him, but I can’t go on like this. I can’t pretend there’s something there when there’s not.
He turns to me. “I was too late, wasn’t I?”
I ENTER THE CAFETERIA THROUGH a side entrance out by the picnic benches and it gives me the perfect view of Chase at his table. He’s surrounded, as usual, but he’s indifferent to it all. The only time he looks vaguely engaged is when Aaron says something next to him and he says something in return before retreating back into himself. Despite people clearly laughing and joking around him, he stays focused on the food in front of him, although he doesn’t eat it. He does occasionally look up, and I’m pretty sure every time he does he’s glancing over at our usual table, at Jessie, who in turn is deep in conversation with Sophie. She looks like she’s berating him—she’s been doing that a lot lately, finally telling him what she thinks of the way he’s treated me. The poor guy’s been chewed out more than once over the last couple of days. I turn my attention back to Chase and he looks tired, tired and irritated, but just the sight of him releases some of my stress. He’s avoided me completely for what feels like forever, keeping away from his usual hangouts, and I guess he figured he’d be safe in here because he knows I’d never want to approach him unless he’s on his own, knows I couldn’t handle the stress and anxiety of knowing everyone would be watching if I approached him after being talked about for weeks—but I’m done waiting.
I summon every ounce of courage I have and step farther into the cafeteria. I step past the first table of freshmen girls as they look at me curiously—I’m still the source of gossip in this place—and then past some guys I’m pretty sure are mathletes and don’t have a clue who I am before I’m able to head on a straight path to his table, and that’s when he looks up. Some sort of emotion crosses his face as he sees me, but he quickly masks it. He doesn’t look away as I get closer, and I keep moving forward despite the fact that I’m terrified he’ll hate me as much as he did after Jessie’s party and despite the nerves I feel as the rest of his table seems to fall silent and turn to look at me when they sense his attention has been caught. I need to do this. He has to listen to me.
I stop a couple of steps away, everyone around him now staring at me intently, and I swear someone whispers, “Crawling back,” under their breath before Aaron gives them a swift dig in the side and they shut up. I don’t know who said it; I don’t even look. I don’t take my eyes off of Chase. It’s only been a couple of weeks since I last saw him up close, since he drove me to Jessie’s birthday party, but it feels like a lifetime.
“Hey,” I manage to get out, nervously twisting my fingers together in front of me.
His eyes drift down to my hands and I immediately stop fidgeting, instead letting them drop to my sides—not that it matters. He knows I’m nervous, I know I’m nervous, everyone in this place probably knows I’m nervous.
“Hi,” he responds, returning his gaze to mine. Those sparkling green eyes don’t hold any of the warmth they’ve always had when they’ve been focused on me, the warmth I was just too oblivious to notice before.
We don’t say anything for a couple of seconds, both of us just staring at the other, and it’s only after ten seconds or so that I realize I can’t hear any of the usual noise of the cafeteria around me. I glance around, and sure enough, all eyes are on me. It makes me sick to my stomach.
“Um,” I choke out, returning my gaze to him. “Can we…can we talk for a minute?” I hate the stammer in my voice but I’m so nervous I can’t help it.
He doesn’t respond for what feels like the longest time but eventually shrugs carelessly, like my request is nothing, and indicates the one vacant seat at his table—his table that is heaving with people, heaving with the most popular kids at school, who all currently have their eyes glued to me. “Sure, take a seat.”
I’m shaking my head. “I mean privately.” My eyes find his. “We need to talk.” He still doesn’t say anything, just looks back at me with that unwavering stare, eyes fixed on me, oblivious—or just indifferent—to all the eyes on us. “Please,” I add softly. “Please, Chase.”
His eyes soften for the briefest of seconds at my plea before his guard goes back up, but he nods and stands, gathers his bag from the floor, throws it onto his back, and walks around the table to join me. My gaze finds Aaron and he offers me a warm smile and a nod of encouragement just as Chase reaches my side. I swallow loudly, still so nervous about how this will go, and try to offer Chase a smile, but it gets stuck on my lips. I turn around and point toward the entrance I came in, muttering that we can go sit on the benches out there. It was quiet when I passed by before and there’s enough space around them that they offer some privacy. I make my way over, trying to ignore the curious glances we’re getting. As we approach my usual table, I glance that way and find both Sophie and Jessie looking over at me. They’re both smiling; Sophie’s face is full of encouragement, but Jessie’s smile is smaller, sad almost. Still, when my eyes meet his, he brightens slightly and nods his head. He’s letting me know it’s all right, saying he gets it and he’s okay with it. I slow my pace slightly and smile back at him. I sense Chase stiffen at my side and when I turn to him, he’s staring straight at Jessie so I know he caught that look between us. His face is a mask, not giving anything away, but I can see the tension in his body. I hastily pick up my pace and hurry toward the exit. I don’t want him to have any excuse to get away. When I reach it, I turn back to face him, and to my relief, he’s still there. He indicates with his arms for me to go first, and I lead the way over to an empty picnic table as far from everyone else as possible.
I take a seat facing away from the table and the windows of the cafeteria where I’m sure some people are watching us, my back leaning against the edge, and he sits next to me, staring straight ahead. He’s sitting a polite distance away and it’s so different from how he’s been with me, always throwing his hand around my shoulders or pulling me into him, it makes me want to cry.
I don’t say anything for a couple of minutes, trying to figure out the best way to do this, and he doesn’t rush me, just waits, silently staring ahead. Only after a couple of minutes does he glance to the side at me. He sees me twisting my fingers together and finally speaks. He reaches out, gently places his hand on mine, and offers me a wry smile. “Livy, it’s fine. I promise you. You don’t have to be nervous.”
Yes I do. Yes I do, because I’ve lost you. I’ve lost you and what I’m about to say could either get you back or push you away forever and I can’t handle that. I can’t handle you not being in my life.
He pulls his hand away too soon and I immediately miss his warmth. “I get it, Livy. You don’t have to feel bad.”
I take a deep breath. “I spoke to your sister.”
His whole body stills.
“And to Abigail, and then to Aaron.”
He doesn’t move a single muscle.
I sigh deeply. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
He’s silent for a minute before he asks, “What did they tell you?”
“You know what they told me, Chase.” He’s staring straight ahead. “Look at me.” Slowly, he turns to face me, bright green eyes piercing mine. “You should have said something.”
He lets out a bitter laugh, looking away. “Said what? That I’ve been obsessed with you forever when you’ve never even looked twice at me? That I thought you were the coolest chick I’d ever met when we were in elementary school? That I checked your team reports even when we were at different middle schools because for some reason I wanted to see how the girl with the blonde hair and killer strike was doing?”
My heart starts slamming in my chest. It
’s true. What his sister said…it’s true.
“That for whatever reason I didn’t forget about you when we were at different schools just because I thought you were so cool? That I couldn’t get over the girl who could play soccer better than me? That I wondered about you? That I occasionally thought about what you were doing?”
I don’t move a muscle, scared he’ll stop if I do.
“And then when we got to high school and I saw you again, that I thought you were the prettiest girl I had ever seen? That I got this ridiculous crush on you the second I saw you but you didn’t even recognize me when you saw me again? That it was obvious within five minutes of watching you that you were crazy about Jessie and couldn’t even see anyone else? That despite the fact that you were obviously obsessed with Stephenson, I couldn’t get over my stupid feelings? That, even though you never looked at me until we started this whole pretend relationship, I haven’t been able to get you out of my head since we were freshmen?”
He lets out a long exhale while my heart hammers wildly. It’s one thing for his sister and Aaron and Abigail to tell me about his feelings, but it’s a different thing hearing it from him. It makes it real. “I didn’t know.”
He offers me a wry smile, his eyes briefly meeting mine before he looks away again. “Yeah, I know. I’m better at hiding my feelings than you are.” I nod while he stares into the distance. After another minute, he turns back to me. “It was like the second or third week of high school, the first time I got it—the first time I realized I liked you. I was walking out of math and you were walking past in the hall, not paying attention, and I walked right into you. I helped you pick up your things and when your eyes met mine, it felt like I stopped breathing, Livy, like all the air had been sucked out of me. I’ve never felt like that before. I wanted to introduce myself, to see if you remembered me, but I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t speak being that close to you and you just smiled and thanked me then walked off.” He pauses. I don’t dare move in case it makes him stop speaking. He’s never been this honest with me, this frank. “I was a complete goner from then on, and then I turned around and saw you meet up with Jessie, saw the way you looked at him, and I just knew I had no chance.” He lets out a long sigh. “You probably don’t know what I’m talking about. You probably didn’t even remember me.”
“I remembered,” I whisper. “I recognized you right away but I thought you were too cool for me and I was too shy to say hello.”
“Yeah?”
I nod. “Then it just became the norm that we didn’t speak to each other. I thought you didn’t like me.”
He shakes his head and a small smile covers his face. “I guess it was easier for me to act like that and stay away from you rather than see you want Jessie.”
“I’m sorry, Chase.”
His eyes find mine again, and this time he doesn’t hide the longing in them. “I get it, Livy. I get how you feel about Jessie. I’ve watched you watch him for the last three years. Trust me, no one understands better than me how it feels when you’ve liked someone for so long and then you get them.” He laughs ruefully and shakes his head. “I want you to be happy. You don’t have to feel bad or guilty. You didn’t promise me anything. He’s a lucky guy.”
I reach out and grab one of his hands, pulling it toward me into my lap. He tries to pull away but I hold on tightly, stroking the skin there and skimming my fingers over the pulse in his wrist. I focus on his hand, not looking at his face. I can feel his pulse quicken, but it calms me and I know what I have to do.
“I’m not with Jessie. It didn’t work out.”
He freezes completely. “What?”
“It didn’t work out,” I repeat.
“But you’ve been together all the time.”
I shrug and take a deep breath. “He’s not you.”
Time stands still and all the blood rushes to my face at this admission, this statement I’ve made and put out there and can’t take back—don’t want to take back.
Shock, confusion, and disbelief cover his face, and I rush on. “I’m sorry, Chase, about the way it went down with Jessie, but I had to see how things would be with him. I had to know once and for all.”
“And what did you find out?” His voice sounds strange, twisted.
“That he’s my best friend and I love him, but he’ll never be my boyfriend.”
There’s a long pause. “Are you being serious?”
I nod. “He doesn’t make me laugh like you do. He doesn’t make me feel strong and confident and carefree like you do. He doesn’t make me feel like I can do anything, doesn’t believe in me like you do. He doesn’t make me feel like you do, and I doubt anyone else ever will.”
He’s breathing heavily and I reach out to brush a lock of hair off his face. He doesn’t flinch away from my touch, instead closing his eyes and almost leaning into it. He waits another minute before he opens his eyes and locks them with mine. “What are you saying?”
I bite my bottom lip, knowing I’m going all in and not caring. He needs to know everything. He deserves to know everything. “I’m saying I think I’m in love with you.” I shake my head. “No, I don’t think I love you—I know I do.” He’s just staring at me in shock, and I smile. “You make me a better person, Chase, a better version of me, and I’m just hoping I haven’t blown it.”
“Are you—are you…” He pauses, his words tripping over themselves. “Are you saying you want us to be together?” His voice is full of disbelief.
I start to laugh. “Yes! I want to be with you—today, yesterday, a month from now, a year from now.” It’s true. I do want that, and it feels good to finally be able to say it to him, to finally admit what I actually want. “I’m hoping you’ll give us another shot, for real this time.”
“Are you serious?” he asks again.
“Yes! I love you Chase Mitchell.”
“You really mean it?” he asks again, like he needs me to repeat it over and over again.
I nod my head. “I really mean it. I want to be with you,” I say softly. I hesitate, my heart in my mouth. “That is…if you want to be with me?”
His eyes find mine and the biggest smile spreads across his face. “Is that even a question?”
Relief floods me as he reaches out and tucks an errant piece of hair behind my ear. My smile mirrors his.
He starts to laugh, a delighted, sharp sound that lights up my whole world. “You can’t take it back,” he tells me, grinning from ear to ear. “You know that, right? Now that you’ve said it, you can’t take it back.”
I laugh back at him. “I don’t want to take it back.” I don’t—not ever.
His eyes are shining then suddenly he reaches out and drags me over toward him, getting rid of the space between is. My legs are pressed up against him, one leg propped up so I can face him. His hands drop onto my shoulders and I automatically lean in, feeling like I’m back where I should be.
“I love you too, Olivia Chapman.” I swear my whole body starts glowing at his words, and I can’t wait any longer. I shift forward and fuse my mouth with his, kissing him like I’ve wanted to for days, like I want to do from now on. He pulls back after a minute or so, his whole face shining, and I want to capture this moment and stay in it forever. He leans back and laces his fingers through mine. “So, Olivia Lorraine Chapman, will you be my real, honest-to-God, no-messing-around, straight-up girlfriend?”
I grin back at him, smiling so hard my face could split in two. “Yeah, Chase. I will.”
The End
If you’d like to see exactly what went down between Sophie and Mark over summer break, make sure you check out Playing with Fire.
Want to see what happens to Chase’s friend Ethan?
Add Izzy’s Story (Title Coming Soon) to your TBR list. Coming Summer 2019.
Izzy Kavanagh’s life falls apart when her mother dies. She is forced to move to the US and live with her absent father, who seems to think money is the answer to every problem, and her twin brot
her Ethan, whom she has barely spoken to in years.
She hates everything about the move. She hates that she’s forced to finish high school even though she’s already completed it in the UK. She hates that her father is controlling her and threatening to take away her inheritance if she doesn’t do as he says, even though he’s barely there and couldn’t care less about her. She hates that everybody already has an opinion on her based on her family name.
But what she hates above all else is having to see her brother every day in his perfect life where everybody worships him. She hates it because he chose this life over her and her mum.
And for that, she’ll never forgive him.
Four Doors Down Becca McKenzie’s only goal is to make it through her senior year high school and hang out with friends and her gorgeous boyfriend. Ryan Jackson, her former best friend and bane of her existence, does not fit into those plans.
Four Years Later Becca is now in college and happier than she ever thought she would be until one terrible, unforgettable night changes everything and leaves Becca questioning everything she’s ever known.
Both can be read as a standalone but do involve the same people.
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As always a huge, massive, ginormous thank you to my lovely family, friends, and beta readers. I appreciate your help so much and everything you do for me.
I have the best editor going. Caitlin with Editing by C. Marie—thank you for being so flexible, professional, and helpful. You are a shining star in this industry.
The Stand-In Boyfriend Page 27