by Lauren Wood
“I am sorry if you feel that way. There is a pretty big deal between my dad and your dad, that I've been working on for a while.”
“I see. Do you think after the deal is done, we will be able to spend more time together?”
I assured her that it would most likely be the case and she seemed to accept that answer. It was truthful, sort of. I had all kinds of guilt associated with Cynthia. I knew that I was doing her wrong and even if I didn’t like her, I still felt bad about it.
“Then what can I do to make it go faster?”
I like to think that she meant it, but I couldn’t forget a few days ago when she thought I was sick and stayed away. She’d called the next day before she would even come by. She wanted to make sure that I had a clean bill of health.
“I don’t think you can.”
“I'm sure that I could do something. Just tell me what it is I can do for you. My father would listen to me, if you want me to put something in his ear.”
If she was really my fiancée and we were really together, it wouldn't have surprised me her willingness to help. Of course, she would want to help make both of our lives better, but she wasn't really my wife, and she didn't really give a crap about any deals that I made with her father. So, why was she all of a sudden being nice and so interested?
I couldn't ask her such a thing. She wouldn't take it so well. Instead, I told her that I couldn't think of anything right off the top of my head but if I did, I would let her know. That seemed to be enough for her and she beamed a smile at me.
Next thing I know, she's getting close and kissing me. It wasn’t the first time that we’d kissed obviously, but I didn't feel much of anything for her this time. All I felt was how much I wished that it was someone else’s lips that I was kissing. I knew that was the wrong approach to things, but I couldn't help how I felt. Wrong was just what I was into lately.
Whatever it was that Madeline had done to me, I'm not sure how I was going to get away from how I felt about her. More than that, I didn't want to. Who wouldn’t want to feel refreshed and revived?
When Cynthia tried to get close again, I got up abruptly and told her that I had to use the bathroom. She wasn't too happy about my sudden need to leave, but she said that she would wait for me. I didn't think that Cynthia waited for anyone, so I knew that there had to be something on her mind. Something was up and I wasn’t sure what.
Cynthia had something up her sleeve and knowing her, there was no telling what it was. There was a good chance that it was something that I wasn’t going to like though.
17
Cynthia
Chris was acting weirder than usual. My father had warned me that he was different than other men. I hadn't listened to him. I was of course just interested in the boyish good looks and the rugged body that he possessed. He was also rich as all get out. He came from a good family, which meant that he'd make nice babies. There were really more pros than cons, when it came to Chris.
One of the cons that I hadn't thought about was how much he worked. It seemed like that's all Chris ever did and since he came from money, I'm not really sure what he was trying to prove. Sure, a person could never really have enough money, but I also wanted to enjoy life too.
He was gone for several minutes and after about five, I started to get bored. I sat down at his desk and saw that he had his email open. I must have caught him in the middle of checking it and being the nosey person that I am, I had to skim through some of them. Whatever was in those emails, was what kept him away from me.
They all looked pretty basic, until I got to a name that I remembered. It was also a different sort of email. It didn't look like a work email, but more of a personal one. I felt no problem with going through it. I opened the email that was from Madeline, and I probably just sat there in shock for a minute. My mouth was most likely open, and I didn't even hear him coming back in, until he was asking me what I was doing. I quickly clicked off of the email and looked up at him.
“Nothing, dear, I was just seeing if you had any new pictures of us. I really need to send you some, so that you can put them on your desktop. I hate the one that is your screensaver now.”
He wasn't thrilled about it, that was obvious by the fake smile that he was giving me. I knew that Chris wasn't into that sort of thing but really, I was trying to distract him from the fact that I was snooping. No guy liked that.
I haven't gotten to read all of the email and something told me that I was going to want to keep it. For what, I honestly didn't know, but when he said something about going to grab a drink again and left, I asked if he would pick me up one as well. I was hoping that it would give me the time that I needed, so I made the order as complicated as possible.
He didn't seem to question my need for something, too, and I didn't question why he needed to leave the room again. It became quite clear to me when I finished reading the email.
Not only had the two of them been together intimately, but she had a child with him that was a year and a half old.
I didn't even know how to take in all of that. Honestly, I had not seen this coming. I pride myself in knowing what was coming next and this time, I had obviously been clueless. The woman that I met didn't seem like his type. She was a bit too country or common, quite frankly. There was nothing exactly remarkable about her and from the sound of it, my fiancé had been with her very recently. He also had a secret love child that I don't even think he knew about.
I copied the message to myself for one reason or another. I'm honestly not sure what exactly I was going to do with it, but I knew that I didn't want him to get the email. I erased it from his history, and I did my best to look natural when he came back in with my coffee. It wasn't even the right kind, because he didn't pay attention to things like that and I tried not to let it bother me. It's not like I hadn't told him fifty times before what I liked.
Obviously now, I could understand it. He wasn't paying attention to me because he was spending all of his time and energy on Madeline. I needed to make sure that something changed. And quickly.
When I got home later that evening, I printed out the email that I had seen at Chris’ office. I was hoping that it would somehow not be as bad as I thought it was, but it was somehow even worse. The woman was so sure that Chris would go to her, and I had to wonder why she was so confident. What did she know that I didn't know?
It instructed Chris to call her if he wanted to meet his daughter. It was hard for me to read it and even harder to think about Chris having a child with someone else. That was definitely not something I signed up for. I had absolutely no intentions on becoming a stepmother. I was too young for that.
I came to the same conclusion then that I came to in his office under quick duress. Chris never needed to see the email. He never needed to know who Madeline was or who his daughter was. It might have been considered selfish on my part, but I was just trying to save my marriage before it even started.
There was a problem with all the lies between the two of us, but I hoped that it would be worth it in the end. Somehow, I would make it worth it.
18
Chris
The wedding was fast approaching and since I couldn't back out of the situation I was in, I tried to make the best of it. Cynthia was around a lot more now and instead of coming in once and a while, she was now coming to my job every single day. I can't say that I was really looking forward to the visits, because she was just so animated and dramatic. She was also very popular with the other men in the office. I didn't feel jealous though, it was just embarrassing.
One day in particular she was flitting around in something that wasn't quite proper for her to be wearing. The skirt was way too short, and she found a way to bend over about three times in front of my employees. If I didn't know any better, I would say that she was just messing with me. When I asked her about it, she just kind of laughed.
“Don't tell me you're going to be one of those husbands that wants me to stay all prim and proper.�
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I agreed that I wasn't, but she didn't have to act that way.
“I'm not saying that you have to be or dress a certain way, just maybe not in the way you're dressing and acting right now. I have to work with these guys, and I don't need them lusting after you every night.”
She just giggled and if I didn't know any better, I’d think that she was happy that I was saying something to her. It made me realize that I did not know anything about her and honestly, I don't know if I ever would. Cynthia was definitely a different sort of woman and I didn’t have the time to peel back all of the layers.
When she left that day, I had a strange feeling that I needed to find Madeline. I'd been thinking about her off and on, because I really couldn't do anything else. All the thinking wasn’t really doing me any good. She had disappeared after we were together and that was that. I hadn't heard from her since. I'd never been ghosted before and I hated the feeling. If any other woman would have done it, I wouldn't have cared, about with Madeline I certainly did.
While I was thinking about Madeline, something came to my mind. She had said something about how she was just a girl that liked the paranormal. Why had I not realized it before? I closed my eyes and tried to picture the woman from the small town that had taken me to a haunted house. It had been such a surreal and strange experience, that I can't believe that I didn't see it sooner. Did Madeline know who I was? She had never said anything and after the wild night we had together, maybe she should have. Or maybe she knew what happened and who I was, but since I hadn't recognized her, she left it alone.
Now it was clear as day, and I can’t believe that I had somehow missed it before.
Knowing that Madeline was the woman that I had met a couple of years ago, made me want to find her even more. I remember so long ago trying to find her. I thought that Hartville wasn't that big, and I would be able to find her easily enough, but that hadn't been the truth at all. Sad truth was that she had been impossible to find.
I had a lot of questions. Not only did I wonder if she knew who I was, but I also wondered why she never said anything. Since our time together, I had thought about her multiple times. It was all starting to make more sense now. The instant attraction that I had to her and the way she had fell so effortlessly into my arms. Why hadn’t I seen it before?
It didn't matter though, if I couldn't find Madeline. I had even gone as far as to get her address from the HR department for where she was living and when I got there, nobody answered. I then had to call the building manager and find out from him that she had broken her lease and left. What had made her leave all of a sudden?
The more I tried to make sense of it, the more complicated it became. At the end of the day, I had to get married to Cynthia in a few days. It wasn't the time for me to go on another wild goose chase. I also had to figure in the fact that she probably did not want to be found. She obviously had not made it easy for me to find her.
Maybe it was possible that I wasn’t supposed to find her, as hard as it was to think about.
Cynthia was acting stranger than usual the day before the wedding. She had a lot on her mind, but I didn't want to ask exactly what was going on. I tried to coax it out of her, but it was like pulling teeth.
“If you're not going to say anything, then why did we even come out?”
“Don't you think that sometimes there is value in silence?”
I scoffed for a moment. Of course, I thought there was benefit to silence, especially with her, but that did not mean that it made sense that she was being quiet. I hadn't known her forever, but I had not known her once to be silent. She had suggested a restaurant that was going to give her plenty of exposure, filled with the loudest people. Now she wanted quiet?
“Yes, I do. It's just not usual for you. So, I wonder if there is something wrong. Something you want to talk about but are finding a hard time coming out with.”
Cynthia scrunched up her nose and I knew that whatever was going to come out next, was not going to be good. It never was when she looked like that.
“Let's just say I have this friend and she knows some information about someone but doesn't know what she should do with it.”
“What sort of information?”
“Something that could change a person's life.”
“You're being pretty ambiguous. If it isn’t about your friend, just come out with it.”
“It is a friend.”
“So, what’s the information?”
I didn’t believe her when she said it was a friend, but it was better to hear about it this way, than to deal with another ten minutes of quiet before the food got there.
“Let's just say, that she knows about a mystery child that the other person doesn't know about. They don’t know there is even a chance of having a kid, but they have one.”
I knew of course that she was talking about herself. She obviously had some dirt on someone, most likely one of her friends and maybe she did have a bit of conscience and wanted to spill the beans. It did not seem like a good scenario.
“Maybe there is a reason that they weren't told to begin with. It is not for you to say and if whoever it is wasn't told, you shouldn't say anything either. It's not your place.”
The answer seemed to relieve her, and I had to ask who she was talking about.
“Just an old friend from college. I don't think it's going to end well if I say something, but I feel this sort of duty to, you know?”
‘Yeah, it's called having a little empathy.”
I didn't say that of course. I could never say the truth to Cynthia. She was the exact reason that I was so against always telling the truth. Sometimes lies made life easier and smoothed things over. It worked with me and her. As much as I hated to admit it, I don't think either one of us could handle the truth.
“You should do what you feel is right, but sometimes it's easier to take a step back and really think about the problem. Whoever this friend is, they may just need someone to talk to about it. It doesn't necessarily mean that you have to tell their secret. Maybe they just need someone to listen to them.”
She looked at me a little strangely. “You give really good advice.”
I chuckled. “Why do you sound so surprised?”
Cynthia shrugged. “I don't know. I just didn't realize that we could talk like this. I'm glad we can.”
We were having a moment. It was the first time I had felt that way with Cynthia and for reasons unknown to me, I almost didn't want to feel it. It was already too complicated. This wasn't a regular marriage after all. This one was going to have a betrayal in the end.
I told her that I had to go to the restroom, and I went to give myself a moment away from her. Here I was trying to figure out what to do about Madeline and now I had Cynthia to deal with too. If I started to have feelings for her, any feelings, how was I going to be able to do what needed to be done?
It seemed impossible and instead of focusing on it too much, I went to work instead. I got back from the bathroom and explained that something had come up at work and I had to leave. She gave me this look like she didn't really believe me, but she didn't refuse me either. Instead, she just kind of shrugged and that she would see me the next day.
“Just make sure you're not late for that.” She was talking about the wedding.
I laughed like she was joking. It became clear that she was not joking. How could I blame her? I had not been the best fiancé.
“I will be there, Cynthia.”
“I will be there too. I'll be the one wearing white.”
I gave her a kiss and walked out, still not sure what I was getting myself into. As much as I wanted to believe that this is what was supposed to happen, there was still this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that told me this was completely wrong. I didn't really know which one to listen to, so in the end, I just didn't listen at all.
19
Madeline
When I didn't get a call from Chris right away, I didn't think much
of it. It was a lot to take on after all. To find out that you had a child that was already over a year old, had to be something that needed to be figured out. I could understand that. I could sympathize even, but when over a month had gone by and I still hadn't heard anything from him, I started to consider the worst.
As much as I had wanted this fairy tale reality to be true, now I could see that it wasn't. He had gotten my email and done the one thing that I had hoped against. He had ignored it. He was ignoring me, and he was ignoring our daughter. I wanted it to be different. I knew that there was nothing to be done about it.
I reminded myself that I had been without him this whole time and I would continue to do just fine, but it was hollow, even to my own ears. I didn't want to believe that the chance of us being together was gone, but I knew what the truth was. How could it ever be any different than that?
One night I was putting Emily into bed when mom told me that Eve was here to see me. I hadn't seen her in a couple of days and was glad for the visit. The more I thought about my current circumstances, the more I was bummed out about it all. Eve always had an interesting way of looking at things. I needed that now.
When I got downstairs, she was drinking a glass of wine with mom. They were very well acquainted because we’d hung out for years. Instead of going off with Eve to talk about what I really had on my mind, I decided to drink with them for a while. It was a lot easier to forget about my problems when nobody else knew about them. When other people knew about my problems, that’s when I had to come to grips with it all and it got complicated. I would find myself making a bunch of excuses. I just didn’t want to do that today.
It was several glasses later, before I finally brought up what was truly on my mind. At this point, I didn't even care who was in the room and it suddenly didn't bother me that my mom was definitely going to have an opinion about all of it. She was always quick to give judgment and that made me usually slow to give her certain information. Today was a new day, though, and apparently, I didn't care that much. Anyone’s view had to be better than my own.