by Jenika Snow
“Nothing?” She lifted an arched eyebrow, the expression on her face telling me she didn’t believe one word of it. “This about Bear?”
I cleared my throat and glanced away. I didn’t know why I was so nervous talking about him, especially with Cherry.
“You know you can talk to me about whatever, right?”
I knew I could. She didn’t push, but I didn’t want to talk about it, didn’t want to bare my soul, so to speak.
“Why don’t you just tell him how you feel?” she finally said after a prolonged moment. I looked up at her, knowing my eyes were wide, feeling like they were saucers.
I probably looked like a deer caught in headlights. It was no surprise that she guessed what was on my mind. She was pretty good at reading people, especially me.
I exhaled and leaned back in my chair, holding my coffee cup and running my finger along the rim. “Because the risk of him turning me down and breaking my heart scares the hell out of me.”
She looked sympathetic but then this steely resolve covered her face. “Even if he did turn you down, even if it did go that way when you were honest with him, you’re a tough girl and can handle it. I know you would regret not saying anything, wondering what his reaction would have been.” She gave me a soft smile. “But I doubt he’ll turn you down, much less break your heart. How could he? You’re gorgeous and sweet. He’d be stupid to break your heart.” She exhaled. “Besides, I’d kick his ass if he made you sad.”
I chuckled, knowing Cherry meant that.
“I guess I’ve been trying to talk myself into telling him how I feel. I go out there every month, sometimes see him, sometimes say a few words here and there. I swear the man doesn’t even know I exist. He hardly looks at me, and if he does speak to me it’s just one-word answers that sound more like grunts coming from a wild animal.”
Cherry chuckled softly, but the space between us became solemn as time passed.
“He’s a definite mystery,” Cherry said, staring at her coffee mug. “But you know why he’s like that. You know why he stays by himself.” She looked at me and I felt my heart lurch in my chest.
Looking at my coffee cup, I nodded. “Yeah, I know.”
“I mean, losing his mother, the only family he had left, scars a person, I imagine.”
I thought about when he’d first moved to town all those years ago. I’d been a young girl, hearing the rumors about the newcomer who’d bought the cabin and piece of land out in the middle of nowhere.
The rumors were cut and dry, that Bear had lost his mother and moved out here to be alone. And he’d succeeded in that for years.
“Loss creates scars that run deep. He just needs to find that spark of life again.” She reached out and gripped my hand in hers, giving it a squeeze. “As soon as you say the words to him, when he looks in your eyes and sees what he’s been missing, everything will click into place.”
“I’m glad one of us is so confident.” I smiled, but it was forced. Deep down I was a nervous wreck thinking about all the bad things that would come from me spouting off the truth. But despite that, I knew I’d push past my worries.
I’d tell Bear everything, consequences or not.
3
Bear
I sat on the oversized leather chair in Wolf’s cabin and stared at him and his wife Ruby as they went heavy on the PDA in the kitchen. I scrubbed a hand over the back of my neck and looked away when Wolf’s hand slid down to cover her ass, and he leaned in to kiss her.
Leave it to the rugged mountain man to not give a shit who was watching when he wanted to stake a claim on his woman.
We’d been friends for years, the only person I would let into my life. But we’d never actually spent an extended amount of time together like this. We never did dinner, didn’t shoot the shit on the porch drinking beers. We helped each other prepare for the winter, chopping wood, gathering supplies. We hunted together, but kept our distance socially because that’s how we both wanted it.
But ever since he married Ruby, found the woman who made him whole, I saw changes in him. He was still the gruff bastard I knew, but he was … different.
But his solidarity and aloofness was why we got along so well. We were one and the same. But with her being in his life, I’d seen the wall he’d erected around himself slowly coming down. They lived in his cabin away from everyone else, but he seemed happy, complete. I couldn’t help it: part of myself wanted that as well, needed it on this deep-rooted level.
I brought my beer to my mouth and took a long drink, finishing off the alcohol as I watched the flames dance across the logs in the fireplace. I heard Ruby giggling, knew that dinner tonight had been her idea. She was used to living around others, despite the fact she craved the solitude like her husband, like me.
But it didn’t change the fact I felt out of place, almost uncomfortable being here.
Despite all of that, my need to leave, to be alone once more, I kept thinking about Susie. I kept imagining, fantasizing having her with me, hearing her laugh softly as I ran my finger along her cheek, as I leaned in and whispered all the filthy fucking things I wanted to do to her.
“Do you want another beer, Bear?” Ruby asked.
I glanced over at her and gave a tight nod. She handed a bottle to Wolf and he came over, sitting on the tattered leather chair across from me. He handed me the beer and I popped the cap, drinking half of it in one go, trying not to seem like I was crawling out of my skin being here. It was nothing against them. This was all on me; I’d allowed myself to be alone for so long this kind of social setting made me awkward as fuck.
“You hate this, don’t you?” Wolf asked and grinned right before he brought the bottle to his mouth and took another drink.
“I haven’t done … this in a long fucking time.”
Wolf chuckled and looked at the fire for a prolonged moment. “Yeah, neither had I before Ruby came into my life.” He looked at his wife and smiled, the love clear on his face. “Before Ruby I don’t even know how I survived.”
I’d never told Wolf about Susie, about my feelings for her or how I wanted what he had … a life, a family, to finally feel alive.
After my mother passed away and the reality that I was truly alone in the world settled in on me, I knew that I might as well move on, live alone, stew in my own loneliness.
That happened years ago, well over a decade.
My mom had been the rock in my life, the one person I’d always been able to depend on. Even as a grown man I was a mama’s boy, looking up to her, knowing she could change the world if she wanted to.
She raised me as a single parent, worked her ass off doing two jobs just so I’d have a roof over my head and food in my belly. So losing her suddenly, not being able to say goodbye, had fucked with my head.
I was in a better place now, having accepted her death, moving on with my life—even if it was a solitary one. But the more I thought about it, the more I pictured what it would be like to have her around still. I knew she wouldn’t want me being this broody, cold and hardened bastard. She’d want me to be happy.
And I wanted that too.
So I’d found this little picturesque mountain town and used my savings to purchase the land and materials to build the cabin. I lived out of a tent for the better part of six months, taking my time but knowing that it had to be done before the first winter set in. And since then I’d slowly added on to it, made the wraparound porch, added a couple more rooms, made the cabin my own.
But I was tired of being alone. I wanted something more substantial in my life, wanted a legacy to leave. I wanted Susie as my wife, wanted to create a family with her.
I stared at the flames, watching the reds and yellows move across the charred wood. The sound of crackling filled my head, drowned out everything else. I could picture her sitting beside me, my arm around her, her hand in mine. I’d keep her safe, protect her. I’d make sure no one and nothing ever hurt her.
I looked back at Wolf, who watched
me inquisitively. I could tell he knew my mind was turning, that maybe I was thinking about everything I’d lost, everything I didn’t have. He was a smart man, could read people like they were an open book. Maybe it was because he’d lived the same life as I had. Maybe it was because he knew that dark loneliness that ate at a person and filled their head with too much noise.
It was time to change all of that, to rectify the situation.
It was time to make Susie mine.
Susie
I loaded up the last of the grocery bags in my Jeep and shut the trunk, my hands shaking, my heart racing. I wasn’t nervous because I was going up to Bear’s cabin, but because of what I would tell him today.
After speaking with Cherry and hearing her tell me about how I should go after what I wanted, that life was too short, I knew she was right. I couldn’t pretend things would fall into my lap, or that I’d be able to live with myself if I kept my emotions on lockdown. I didn’t want to always wonder what would have happened if I’d told Bear how I felt.
It had been a month since I’d taken groceries to his place, and longer than that since I’d actually seen him. But during that whole time, I’d been thinking about how to go about this, how to tell him exactly how I felt.
I was tired of waiting, pretending that staying back and keeping my mouth shut was for the best. It wasn’t. I was lonely and in love with him and he didn’t even know it. This could go a thousand different ways.
If I told him I loved him and he turned me away, told me there was nothing that could ever happen between us, my heart would be broken. Or maybe he’d embrace me, tell me he loved me too, that he’d been waiting for the right time to confess his feelings as well.
Of course, the latter was my fantasy, something that most likely would not happen.
The reality was, I was pretty sure of his reaction and how he would take what I had to say, how he would tell me being alone was what he wanted, why he lived the way he did. I would just be an obstacle, a confusion for him that he couldn’t deal with. Why else would he not have a woman yet, be married already?
Bear had never said anything to me aside from a few gruffly spoken greetings in passing. I was nothing to him but the girl who dropped off his groceries.
Even knowing all of that, even bracing myself for how things would happen, I was still going to go through with this. I was still going to tell Bear exactly how I felt and see where the chips landed.
Because if I didn’t speak up now, I’d always wonder what would’ve happened if I was honest with him.
4
Bear
I heard her Cherokee approaching before I saw it. I grabbed a rag from the back porch and wiped the sweat from my face. I had my truck parked a few feet away, my tools set up beside it, the hood opened as I worked on the engine.
The Jeep turned off, the sound of her car door opening and closing coming through. I made my way around the side of the house. There she stood, with her back toward me, looking around. A part of me wanted her to be looking for me. She gave a little huff after a few seconds and I couldn’t help but smile at that.
Then Susie went over to the back of her Jeep and opened the passenger side door, grabbing a couple grocery bags before turning and facing the cabin. She still had yet to see me so I was able to watch her uninterrupted for a few seconds, enjoying the view.
She started taking the grocery bags inside and I made my way slowly around the house until I stood in the front, staring at the door, looking inside of the darkened interior. I could hear her setting the bags on the counter, the shuffle of paper as she took everything out.
My heart was beating hard and fast, this possessive part of me wanting to just go in there and toss all the shit on the ground, grab her hips and lift her onto the island. I wanted to step between her splayed thighs … take control.
I’d gently cup her neck, my fingers wrapped around her throat, my mouth close to hers. I’d tell her all the things I wanted to do to her, all the filthy things I’d envisioned. She might be scared, would be smart to want to run away, but she’d look at me with desire and arousal reflected in her gaze.
I’d know then that she was mine, that there was no going back.
And then I found myself taking the four steps onto the porch, walking inside the house, and watching her as she unloaded the groceries and put them on the kitchen counter. She had her back to me, her long dark hair loose and in waves around her shoulders.
I curled my hands into tight fists at my side, wanting to go to her, push the long fall of her hair off her shoulder and place my mouth right on the side of her neck. I wanted to lick and suck at her flesh, taste her skin and see if she was as sweet as she looked.
I found myself moving closer, my body having a mind of its own. Every part of me said to screw formalities, to forget about everything else aside from making Susie mine.
The island stopped me from getting any closer, but then she turned around, our gazes clashing, her eyes widening. Her lips were red, naturally shaded that color and so kissable. My cock was hard, thickening behind my jeans, pressing against the zipper. The bastard wanted out, wanted to be buried deep inside of her, claiming her in the rough and primal way that a man did when he was consumed by the only woman he had ever wanted.
The longer we stood there staring at each other, the more I saw her chest rising and falling, faster, harder. Her pupils became dilated, her mouth parting slightly. The air between us heated, became thick, almost suffocating. I lowered my gaze to her chest, not able to help myself, wanting to see the mounds behind the cotton of her shirt. Her nipples were hard, pressing against the fabric, making my mouth water.
Things were moving fast, my arousal taking control. There was so much that needed said, so much that needed done before it got to this level.
But I couldn’t stop, couldn’t control myself.
I saw the way her throat moved when she swallowed, her nervousness clear. Hell, I could practically smell her emotions.
She moved away from the island, her little teeth pulling at her bottom lip. My cock jerked behind my pants, the tip becoming slick with pre-cum.
“Bear.” She said my name breathlessly.
I envisioned her saying that in the throes of passion, her lying in my bed with me over her, her hair fanned out across my white sheets … my cock deep in her body.
“I didn’t hear you come in.” She licked her lips, her little pink tongue moving along first her bottom lip, and then her top. I heard a deep rumble fill the house, realized it came from me. Her eyes widened even further and she took a step to the side, eyeing the door.
Maybe she’d try and run from me. A part of me hoped she did. The savage part hoped I could chase her.
I took a step back, not wanting to make her even more anxious. Although I knew she wasn’t afraid, could tell, see it in her face. She was unsure of how things were going right now, of how the situation was playing out. This was the closest we’d been since she started delivering my groceries. That was my fault, though. I always stayed away, kept my distance. I might’ve helped her unload the groceries a time or two, but I never made eye contact. I kept distance between us because that was how I would keep my control in check.
“I better get the rest of the groceries,” she said softly and turned to head out the front door.
I took a step toward her but stopped, knowing that pushing her would make things worse. That was the last thing I wanted to do. I needed to talk to her, tell her all the things I wanted, all the things I’d kept inside. And so I found myself following her outside, down the steps and stopping in front of her Jeep. She held onto the edge of her back door, looking over at me, questions reflected back at me in her expression.
She moved away from the door until she was a few feet from me, her expression unsure. She was scared, not of me, but of what was happening right now. “I told myself the next time I saw you I would tell you.”
“Tell me what?” I was on a razor’s edge right now.
; She took long moments to answer, but I gave her that time--not pushing her, not revealing how I felt, what I wanted. She was looking down at her feet, her hands in front of her twisting together, her anxiety high enough I could feel it like it was my own. And then she looked up at me, licking her lips, this deer caught in headlights expression on her face.
“I’ve been asking to be the one to bring your groceries up this whole time.” I could see how nervous she was saying this to me, but I didn’t speak, just let her take her time. “And it’s because I have feelings for you, Bear.” A long moment of silence passed before she continued. “I know we don’t really know each other, haven’t said much of anything. But I feel something for you. I come up here hoping to see you, hoping that the few words we exchange will lead to something more.” She chuckled softly. “It’s insane, I know. I told myself I’d be honest with you, that I’d tell you the truth. I didn’t want to keep all of this bottled up anymore. As it is, it’s eating me up inside.”
I didn’t respond, not because I didn’t want to, but because I didn’t know how to. I’d been the one that expected to say these words, to confess my feelings. The last thing I expected was Susie telling me how she felt, that she wanted me as well.
“God,” she whispered and ran her hands through her long hair. “I must sound like a crazy person, professing my feelings when you don’t even know me.” She closed her eyes and hung her head a little bit, shaking it as if she were humiliated.
I felt something shift inside of me. I knew that I couldn’t let her think telling me was wrong. I found myself right in front of her, my hands cupping her cheeks as I tilted her head back so she was forced to look at me. Her eyes were wide; no doubt she was surprised by my actions.
“Bear?” She whispered my name and it sounded incredible.
“I told myself I would tell you how I felt the next time I saw you. I’ve been a coward hiding in the shadows, watching you every time you came up here, wanting you like some possessive bastard. But I’d always stayed back, not wanting to frighten you, knowing that the life I lead isn’t for everyone.” I leaned down slightly so we were face-to-face. “I didn’t know how to tell you that I wanted you as mine.” I stared into her eyes, my control slipping, the need to kiss her running in me strong. “There’s no way I could describe in words what I want with you, how I feel for you. Maybe we are both crazy.” She sucked in a breath. “So I’m going to show you, Susie. I’m going to show you what it means to be mine.”