by Nic Saint
“Look, I don’t know no shrink,” said Kingman. “In fact I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a cat needing a shrink before, but what I can tell you is that you need to talk this thing through with your girlfriend. I mean, how do you feel about all of this, Harriet?”
“I think it’s ridiculous. Brutus is the manliest cat I’ve ever met. And now for him to suddenly think he’s a female deep inside is just ridiculous.” She gave Brutus a slap. “Just get over yourself, Brutus. Get your head straight.”
“My head is straight,” said Brutus gruffly. “And for your information, I can’t help what I feel, can I? And if I feel like deep inside there’s a female waiting to burst out, then there’s a frickin’ female waiting to burst out.”
“Sounds more like one of them Alien movies to me,” said Kingman.
But Harriet wasn’t finished. “And listen to this, Kingman. Now he’s trying to convince me that deep down inside I’m actually a male and he’s a female and we need to do some kind of switcheroo thing. Isn’t that the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever heard? Me! A male!”
“Yeah, well,” Kingman said, rubbing his chin. “Then again, we have to respect Brutus’s feelings on this, Harriet, so if he really feels he’s a female…”
“Exactly!” said Brutus, vindicated now that a person with authority like Kingman decided to back him up. “You can’t argue with feelings, snookie.”
“Don’t call me snookie. And how about babies, huh? How about starting a family? How am I supposed to have babies now, with you wanting to have your equipment… rearranged? Max, tell Kingman what you told us.”
“About the…”
“Operation.”
Brutus gulped at the mention of the word. He might have a female waiting to burst out of him, but he clearly wasn’t ready to give her the all-clear.
“If Brutus is serious about turning into a female, he should probably have an operation,” I told Kingman. “Humans do it all the time. Women turn into men and men into women and sometimes, just for the fun of it, they change their minds and do it all over again. It’s a very common thing these days.”
“But if he does that, how are we ever going to have babies!” Harriet cried. “It’s just not fair!”
Kingman cleared his throat. “Babies?” he said. “You want babies?”
“Well, maybe not right now, but at some point, sure. Who doesn’t?”
Kingman coughed. “Um, and how do you feel about this, Brutus?”
“Well, of course I want to have babies, too, but maybe first we should do the switcheroo thing. So I’ll have the babies and Harriet will do... the other bit.” He didn’t seem entirely sure about this part, though, for I had the impression he’d gone a little white around the nostrils. Tough to tell, though, with all of that black fur.
Kingman coughed again.
“Are you coming down with something, Kingman?” asked Dooley.
“No, no, I’m fine,” said Kingman. “It just strikes me as odd that Odelia never gave you… the talk.”
“The talk?” I said. “What talk?”
“Well, the talk. About…” He made a gesture as if cutting a piece of twine with his claws. “Snip-snip.”
“Snip-snip?” I said, not comprehending.
He groaned. “Oh, boy. Y’all better sit down for this one.” We all sat down. Then Kingman took a deep breath. “Max and Dooley—you were both neutered as infants. And you, Harriet, were spayed. I’m not sure about you, Brutus, as you’re new in town, but every kitten born in Hampton Cove is neutered or spayed as a rule. No exceptions. They’re pretty strict about it.”
We stared at him, not comprehending. I smiled, confused. “What are you talking about? What is this ‘neutering’ thing? Or the ‘spaying?’”
“Odelia should have told you—you’ve all been fixed.”
I still didn’t get it. “Fixed? Fixed for what?”
“You can’t have babies, all right? Trust me on this—you just can’t!”
As the horrible truth dawned upon us, our collective jaws dropped.
“WHAT?!!!!!” we all yelled simultaneously.
Chapter 9
The evening wound down shortly after midnight, when Emerald decided to call it a night. And even though she insisted her guests stay and have a good time, her departure was the cue for the others to retire to bed soon after.
Odelia was actually glad to hit the hay. She’d probably had a few glasses too much to drink, and the prospect of her head hitting the hay, not to mention that appealingly soft, downy pillow, was suddenly very appealing.
“Well, that was quite an evening,” said Chase as he took off his shirt.
The room was an opulent one, with a hardwood floor, a four-poster bed, and pink silk wallpaper. The bathroom, which was the first thing Odelia had checked upon arrival, actually had golden taps and a white marble bathtub.
“So what’s on the program for tomorrow? asked Chase.
Next to the bed, on the nightstand, lay the weekend’s itinerary. “Friday night welcome dinner, Saturday morning breakfast then a game of croquet,” she read. “Huh. Croquet. Is that what the rich get up to when they have some time to kill?”
“Sounds good to me,” said Chase. “I could use the action.” He patted his belly, which was a little bloated after the feast they’d just enjoyed.
Odelia had a hard time dragging her eyes away from Chase’s torso and back to the itinerary. “Saturday night is movie time at the Cinema Emerald.”
“Of course Emerald would have a home theater,” said Chase, throwing himself onto the bed, his hands behind his head.
“I wonder what movie she’ll show.”
“Probably something from her own long and illustrious career.”
“Probably,” Odelia agreed. She remembered what Kimberlee’s boyfriend had told them about Emerald not being sincere when she spoke about announcing Kimberlee as the successor to her acting crown.
“And now,” she said, yawning and stretching, “I think I could do with some sleep.”
Chase took her by the waist and dragged her down on the bed. “But first... dessert,” he grunted, and kissed her.
She giggled. “Wouldn’t that be something? Making love under Emerald Rhone’s roof. Something to tell the grandkids one day.”
“I’d love to tell the grandkids,” Chase murmured.
She gazed lovingly up into his handsome face and placed a hand on his cheek. She was tired, but not that tired, and then they kissed again, slower and with more passion this time.
And they would have kept on kissing—and maybe something more—if there hadn’t been a loud ruckus just outside their door. It kinda ruined the moment.
“I know what you’re up to, you horrible dirtbag!” someone was screaming. It was a woman’s voice, and it sounded a lot like... Alina Isman.
Odelia opened the door a crack and peered out. Right outside their door, Alina and her husband Reinhart were arguing loudly, Alina dressed in a sheer negligee, and her husband in striped boxers and nothing else.
“I was only going down for a nightcap, I swear!” the singer cried.
“Nightcap, my ass! You were going to fool around with that floozie!” the redheaded actress screamed. She slapped his chest. “Admit it, you bastard!”
“Uh-oh,” said Chase. “Busted.”
“I wonder what floozie she’s talking about,” whispered Odelia.
More doors opened up and down the hall, and Alina and her husband now had an audience. She didn’t seem to care, for she kept laying into Reinhart. The latter tried to neutralize the situation by holding up his hands and producing a nothing-to-see-here-folks smile, but it was obvious he’d been busted.
Suddenly another voice joined the chorus. “What’s going on here?”
It was Emerald, and she looked ready to go to bed, her hair mussed up, her nightgown casually wrapped around herself, her face make-up free now. She was beautiful, Odelia thought. Even at seventy she had that amazing bone structure that�
��s the hallmark of true ageless beauty.
“He was sneaking downstairs to meet that, that… slut!” Alina cried, her voice shrill.
“I was only going for a nightcap!” said Reinhart. “I swear on our children, Alina! I swear!”
“Don’t you dare!” she cried, wagging a finger in her husband’s face. She was shaking, her eyes shooting fire, her face a mask of fury.
Odelia wondered if this was all a performance or if it was for real. At any rate, Alina was an amazing actress. Odelia didn’t think she could ever get this emotional with a dozen people standing around. She’d probably feel too self-conscious and pipe down the moment she knew she had an audience. But not Alina. It was almost as if having an audience fueled the flame of her anger.
Suddenly, Alina’s fury turned from her husband to a young woman who’d just joined them. Kimberlee was dressed in colorful PJs and looked absolutely adorable, Odelia thought.
“Don’t think I don’t know what you’ve been up to behind my back,” Alina snarled.
“I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about,” said Kimberlee, her face impassive.
“You seduced my husband! My husband—my rock—you took him from me!” Alina was clutching a fist to her heart, pounding her chest.
“Oh, she’s good,” said Chase. “She’s very good.”
“I didn’t take your husband, Alina,” said Kimberlee. “I swear to God. I would never—”
“Liar!” Alina bellowed. “Cheat!” she added when her husband tried to place his hands on her shoulders and she slapped them away. “Oh, I know how it is. Dump the old girl and replace her with a younger model—but you’re not replacing me, buster! I’m leaving you! And I’m taking the kids!”
“But honey!”
“You brought this all on yourself—I’m divorcing you, Reinhart. Do you hear me? I’ve had enough of your philandering and your lying and your cheating. And you,” she added, viciously turning on Kimberlee. “You stole my husband—you try to steal my career—laughing behind my back—making cracks about my age and decaying beauty! ‘Oh, she’s lost it. She’s a wreck.’”
“But Alina, I never—”
“Shut up!” Alina screeched. “Shut up shut up shut up!”
“If this were a movie, someone would slap her,” said Chase.
“Only if this were a movie from the forties,” said Odelia.
But it wasn’t a movie, from the forties or otherwise, so no one slapped anyone, and a good thing, too, cause it would only make matters worse.
“I’m going to bed,” said Alina suddenly. “And you can sleep in her bed for all I care!” she added, pointing an accusing finger at Kimberlee.
Kimberlee was shaking her head, looking distraught. Alina’s husband, meanwhile, hurried after his wife. “But, Alina!”
“I’ve had it with you! You can find your own way home!”
And then she slammed the door in his face and he stood there for a moment, staring at the door, as if he couldn’t quite believe what had just happened. He then pounded the door with his fist. “Alina! Alina, sweet pea!”
Emerald stepped forward and placed a hand on his shoulder. “Reinhart, I’ll find you another room. You can sort this all out in the morning.”
He nodded and followed her, looking like a beaten man.
Gradually, the others all filed back into their respective rooms, and so did Odelia and Chase.
“What a circus,” said Chase.
“I really had no idea they were as passionate in their personal lives as they are on the screen,” said Odelia as they got into bed.
“Passionate? Berserk, you mean.”
She snuggled up to Chase. Neither of them was in the mood for nookie now, so she just lay there, going over the events of the evening in her mind.
And she’d just nodded off when her phone chimed. Dazedly, she picked it from the nightstand. The first thing she heard was the voice of her grandmother.
“Odelia, honey, I’m sorry to wake you, but the little ones are going nuts.”
And then she heard the voice of Max, clear as a bell in her ear.
“You had us NEUTERED???!!!!!”
Chapter 10
“Wait, I thought you knew.”
“No, we most certainly did not know!” I said.
It had come as something of a shock when Kingman broke the news to us that we were... that way. The snip, he called it, and the word made me shiver. Snipped! Someone—probably Vena, who I could totally see doing a horrible thing like that—snipped something where nothing should have been snipped!
“And what about me?” said Harriet, struggling to get to the phone. “It was that Vena woman, wasn’t it? She did this to me! She turned me into a travesty of what a cat should be!”
“But you guys!” Odelia cried. She sounded weird. As if she’d just woke up. Which probably made sense. Humans like to sleep at night. A weird habit, if you ask me, and probably unhealthy. Nighttime is prowling time, after all.
“This snipping thing,” said Dooley. “Did it hurt? Cause I can’t remember.”
“It happened when you were very young,” said Odelia. “And no, it didn’t hurt. Vets always use anesthesia when they perform the procedure.”
“I’m pretty sure I wasn’t snipped,” said Brutus gruffly. “Kingman said as much. He said he couldn’t be sure, and I’d remember if someone tried to mess with my plumbing. In fact I’d give them a punch in the snoot if they so much as tried to touch me down there, vet or no vet. I don’t stand for nonsense.”
“Look, this is better for you,” said Odelia. “For one thing it prevents you from spraying urine all over the house. It also—”
“Spraying!” I cried. “I would never lower myself to such a foul practice!”
“Well, that’s because of the snip,” said Odelia.
“But Odelia! You could have at least asked!”
“Who are you talking to?” a voice sounded on the other end. I recognized it as Chase, who was probably wondering what all this talk of snipping and spraying meant—in the middle of the night.
“My grandmother. She, um, had something urgent that couldn’t wait.”
“If she’s spraying urine all over the house she should probably talk to your dad.”
“It’s not—I wasn’t…”
“Hey, it’s nothing for your grandmother to be embarrassed about, babe. When you get to a certain age, these things happen.”
“Chase…”
“One word. Adult diapers. Actually, that’s two words.”
Gran, who’d been slowly turning red in the face now cried, “Hey, for your information I’m housebroken, young man!”
“Actually she wasn’t asking for herself,” said Odelia. “She’s talking about my cats.”
“Your cats!”
“Yeah, she couldn’t remember if they were neutered or not.”
“Neutered.” I shivered violently. “Neutered!”
“It’s just a word, honey,” said Gran, gently stroking my fur.
“It sounds horrible—like something from a horror movie!”
“More like from an action movie,” said Brutus, who loved his action movies of an evening. He assumed a fighting position, paws up. “I’ll neuter you.” He grinned. “Sounds like a catchphrase Bruce would use.” He threw a few air punches. “If you don’t stop acting like a total tool, I’ll neuter you.”
“If you don’t stop acting like a fool, I’ll neuter you,” I said, and I meant it.
“Look, it’s not as if you were ever going to have babies, were you, Max?” said Brutus, who was more relaxed now that he knew he hadn’t been ‘fixed.’
“What makes you say that?” I said.
“Well…” He hesitated. “I mean, how long have we known each other? Couple of months? And in all that time never once have I seen you with a girl.”
“So?”
“So I just assumed…”
“You assumed what?” I said. I didn’t have time for this. I needed to g
et to the bottom of this snipping business.
“Well, I just assumed you weren’t into them is all.”
I stared at him. “What?!”
He shrugged. “Call it a hunch. And seeing as how you and Dooley are so close and all I naturally assumed…” His voice died away as I gave him my best imitation of a death stare. “No? Okay, then.”
“For your information, I simply haven’t found the right one yet. And also for your information, Dooley and I are just friends, nothing more.”
“What is he talking about, Max?” asked Dooley. “What is he implying?”
“He’s implying that you and I are more than just friends,” I said.
Dooley thought about this for a moment. “What more is there?”
“Oh, will you just go away, Dooley,” said Harriet. She moved closer to the phone. “So this thing is reversible, right? It is, isn’t it? Reversible?”
“I guess... I’m not sure,” said Odelia, sounding reluctant to explore this avenue.
“I knew it! So we’ll just have it reversed, and Brutus can get over his little issue and then we’ll have a nice big litter, just like I’ve always wanted.”
“What little issue?” asked Odelia.
“Oh, nothing serious,” said Harriet. “He just thinks that deep down he’s a female, not a male.”
“Wait, what?”
“Can we please discuss all this when you get back?” said Gran, yawning.
“Just a minute—can my thing be reversed, too?” I asked.
“Um…” said Odelia.
A male voice intruded upon her eloquence. “Gran? Hi, Chase here. Look, I’m sorry about the misunderstanding. Got our wires crossed for a minute there.”
“No need to apologize, Chase,” said Gran. “I can see how all this must be very confusing to you.”
“The thing is, all this talk about snipping and neutering and spaying? I mean, can’t this wait until tomorrow? We have croquet in the morning.”
“What did he say?” I asked.