“I don’t want this. Please, Kat.” Evan closes his eyes and buries his face in the crook of my neck. I’ve never seen him so weak. So desperate for mercy.
I’ve never wanted to forgive so badly in my life, but it’s not forgiveness that I need. It’s a different life that I need moving forward and I won’t get that with Evan.
“I’m sorry.” My lips move but the words aren’t audible, and I have to say it again.
His fingers dig into me, holding me closer and tighter, as if the moment he loosens them, I’ll leave his grasp forever.
“I’m sorry, but it’s what I want,” I tell him and I’ve never heard such a horrible lie in my life. But he nods his head, pulling away slightly although still refusing to let go.
“It’s what I deserve,” he says beneath his breath. His eyes are glossy and his breathing slower as he looks away from me, still holding on but trying to gather the strength to say something. I don’t trust myself to speak. So I just wait, praying for this moment to be over. Praying for something better to come once this has all left me. But how? I have no idea. I’ve never felt so dead inside.
“One last time. Please, just once more. I love you, Kat. I swear I’ve never loved anyone like I love you. And maybe it’s not enough to keep you, but for tonight?”
Again I don’t trust myself to speak. I’m not sure what words would pass through my lips. But I know what I want and I lean forward to take it, spearing my fingers through his hair and pressing my lips to his. It’s only when I feel the wetness against our lips that I realize I was crying.
I let him hold me, and I try my best to remember every detail.
The way he smells, masculine like fresh pine and dew.
The way his heart beats just a bit faster than mine as I rest my palm against his hard chest.
I try to remember everything. I pray that I will, because even though he said he can make it right, I know he can’t. I know that time will aid in the growing distance between us. I know we’re leading two different lives.
I know I need more, and that I deserve someone who won’t hide things from me and make me feel like I’ve lost myself.
So I need to remember this, because I want it to be the last time.
Not for him, not for us, but for me.
Evan
Don’t throw me away, don’t tell me you’re through.
Don’t stop loving me, I can’t live without you.
That ring on your finger, that makes you my wife.
You’re my everything, my love and my life.
I didn’t mean it when I said one last time. It’s the same way an addict is desperate for more and will say anything to get it. All I have to do is be next to her when she needs a single thing. Anything. Just one small crack in her armor. At least that’s what I keep hoping for.
It’s what’s keeping me from dissolving into the nothingness I feel in my hollow chest.
I wonder if she’ll get over me before that time comes. If the few years we had together was enough to make her love me even when she doesn’t want to. That’s all I keep thinking about as I stare at her sleeping form. There’s only a thin sheet over her gorgeous body, hiding it from me. Her back is toward me as she lies on her side, her hair fanned out along the pillow. I’ve been awake for hours; I’m not even sure I slept at all.
It feels like it’s over, but that can’t be true. I can’t let her go this easily and walk away. But somehow it doesn’t feel like letting her go. It feels like I don’t have her anymore. Like I don’t even have the option to keep her anymore.
A sudden buzz from my phone vibrating on the nightstand strips my thoughts from me and causes Kat to stir next to me.
I keep my eyes on her as I reach for it. She slowly turns to look over her shoulder and then looks away, pulling the sheet tighter around her. Closing herself off from me.
There’s a heaviness on my chest as I let it sink in that she doesn’t belong to me anymore. The bed dips as Kat pulls the sheet with her and walks quietly to the bathroom.
I would think my life couldn’t get any lower than this, but the text from James mocks that thought.
My hands rake over my face as the phone drops and I inhale deeply, grateful Kat left when she did. There’s still so much shit that I need to fix and make right. So much damage I’ve caused that’s leaving cracks under each and every footstep I take.
Come to the office.
I stare at the text as Kat flicks on the light switch in the bathroom, the warm yellow hue filtering from under the closed door. She turns on the water as I toss the phone down.
James can go fuck himself.
It’s like he knew I’d think that, because the second the phone drops to the nightstand, it goes off again.
It’s not about work. You know what it’s about.
I was given new information today.
The texts come one after the other in rapid speed and it makes adrenaline slowly pour into my veins, breathing life into me.
The creak of the bathroom door opening and the light switching off forces me to look up at Kat. She slipped on a robe in the bathroom. It’s some sort of black and pink kimono from a bachelorette party I think. I’ve never seen her wear it but it’s been hung up by the towels for years. I guess it’s all she could find in there to hide herself from me.
She doesn’t return my gaze and I can already see that she regrets last night.
Our last night.
I refuse to let it be true. I refuse to give up. But I’ll give her time since that’s what she thinks she needs.
“You can come whenever you need to,” she says and then pulls a shirt over her head as she lets the robe fall into a puddle around her feet. The sight would make my dick hard as steel if it weren’t for the words that hit me at full force. “To get whatever you need. I know you can’t take everything all at once.”
“You really want me to go?” I question even though I know I need to leave regardless of what she tells me. I need time to sort out my shit and get my life to be one that belongs beside hers.
I wish she’d lie to me. I can see it in her eyes, her posture; I can hear it in her voice that she needs me to go. Tell me a pretty lie, Kat. Make me believe you still want me.
“I think it’s for the best,” she answers as her eyes flicker from me to the door and she pushes her hair out of her face. The dark circles under her eyes are evidence of how worn out she is. She’s tired of my bullshit.
“I want to be happy and I feel like we’re so used to being something else that it’s not going to work.”
The argument stirs in my chest, but she’s right in a way and I know I can prove to her that we’re going to be fine. I just need time. “I’ll go now, but I’m coming back when I fix things.”
“That’s what you do, isn’t it? You fix things?” A sarcastic, sad laugh accompanies her comment.
Fixer. That’s what they call this job, but really I’m supposed to prevent anything from breaking. There’s another small huff of a laugh that leaves her, but it’s not the joyous sound I’ve grown to love so much. It’s because of me. I’m the one who broke our marriage.
“I know we grew apart, but we’re still together. Even if you want to pretend like we’re not for a little while,” I tell her. Climbing off the bed, I take a step to go to her, but she shakes her head slightly, crossing her arms and taking a step back.
“It was only one last time, Evan.”
My mouth falls open just slightly for me to tell her last night wasn’t the last time. I won’t let it be. But the words don’t come out. There’s no conviction in that thought.
My eyes close as the phone in my hand buzzes again and I don’t miss how Kat looks at it, a question in her eyes.
“It’s James.” I answer her unspoken question
She chews the inside of her cheek and doesn’t acknowledge me in the least.
“I quit and I’ve just got to sign some paperwork.” The lie slips out so easily. I’m almost ashamed at how easy i
t’s become to hide the truth from her and disguise it as something normal and relatable.
I don’t know if she can tell I’m lying, or if she just doesn’t care anymore. She leaves me alone with nothing but a small nod in the bedroom we built together.
My blood turns cold and I stare at the open door. The pictures from the hall taunt me. I still hear the laughter. I remember the softness of her skin when they were taken.
The phone goes off again and it pisses me off.
I grit my teeth as I read the messages.
Get here in the next hour.
Out of spite, there’s no fucking way I’ll be at his office by then. I make sure to hit the message so he knows I read it. He can wait.
Kat
It’s supposed to hurt this much. I remind myself of that over and over again.
That’s what a breakup is. It’s pain. It’s removing someone you once loved from your life. Erasing them as if they don’t exist. As if they’ve died. And that’s the most painful thing one can experience.
That’s why it hurts so much. Because I’m supposed to be in agony.
“You look tired,” I hear Jules say before she rests her hand on my shoulder, bringing me back into the moment. Standing in my small kitchen, with its clutter and a pile of dirty dishes in the sink, she’s so out of place here. “Are you all right?” she asks me softly.
Before I can answer, the sounds of Maddie and Sue laughing over something drift into the room. The wine has been flowing, and half of the only remaining box of pizza is left on the counter. It’s what I said I came in here for, another slice, but really I’d just remembered my time with Evan last night and then this morning and I wanted to be alone for a minute.
“You can tell me anything, Kat,” Jules says in a voice drenched with empathy. I’ve always loved the person she is. But never more than now.
“I don’t think I’m all right and I don’t know if I ever will be,” I answer and then arch my neck to stare at the ceiling, keeping my eyes open and trying not to bring this night down any more than I have.
“Is it normal to cry so much?” I ask her. “To be this emotional and this exhausted?”
“When you lose someone you love, yes.” She answers easily and calmly, sending a wave of calm through my body, but even that makes me feel that much more exhausted.
“I wish I was past this stage.”
“It’ll happen before you know it. One day, the reminders won’t hurt so badly. The mention of his name won’t cut you to shreds. One day it’ll feel like it’s supposed to be this way.”
“But I don’t know if it is,” I confess to her and then Sue ambles in from the dining room.
Her wineglass clinks on the counter as she sets it down and then she catches a glimpse of me, her expression morphing to one of sympathy. An expression I learned to hate growing up, but right now, while I’m weak and feeling so lost, it’s an expression that makes me lean into her when she opens her arms.
“You’re all right, babe,” she says softly and wraps her arms around me. Sue’s arms are filled with warmth and she kisses my cheek too. “It’s all right babe, we’re here for you.”
“Aww,” I hear Maddie coo as she makes her way into the room.
“Let it all out,” Sue says but I shake my head, my hair ruffling on her shoulder as I sniffle. Sue smells like wine. She sways a little and squeezes me tight. She’s definitely more than tipsy.
“I’m sorry, guys. It wasn’t supposed to turn into this.” I push out the apology, wishing we were having the fun night I promised as I stand up straight and pull my shit together. Sue tries to hold on to me a little longer, but I push her away. I can handle this. At one point in my life I was so good at being alone.
“I’m fine,” I tell them, stepping away for a moment and shaking out my hands. “I’m sorry.”
It takes a few deep breaths and Sue refilling the empty glasses of wine on the counter for me to get over whatever this breakdown was.
“Don’t be sorry. It’s a sad time no matter how much you don’t want it to be.” Maddie’s the first to say something and Jules nods.
“It’s going to be okay, though,” Jules says and then Sue chimes in with, “You’ve got us, babe. We’ll always be here for you, and that’s all you need.”
“Well, maybe a vibrator too,” Sue adds a moment later and a genuine laugh erupts from my lips. It’s short and unexpected, and fills the room. But it felt so good to laugh. To smile. To feel anything other than this darkness that’s been a constant shadow over me.
“Do you want another?” Sue asks me, nearly spilling the wine from a glass poured too full as she tries to hand it to me. I haven’t had a drink all night.
“If I do, I’m going to pass out.” Just as I answer, another yawn hits me. “It’s been a while since I’ve been able to sleep through the night.”
“I’ll take it,” Maddie offers and immediately sets it back down on the counter.
“So it’s really over?” Sue asks and then takes a sip. For the first time, I see something in her eyes I haven’t before. I see sorrow. Genuine pain. As if even Sue was rooting for us. Sue, the valiant heroine against men who cheat and lie.
I nod, ignoring how the emotions swell up again. I haven’t told them that he cheated on me back when we first started dating. I can’t admit it. I don’t want to say the words out loud and make them real. I don’t want them to see him as a villain. I love him too much to paint him in that light. Or maybe it’s the shame that I still love him even after knowing what he did.
“We’re just in two different places and it’s better to be apart.” I shrug and add, “But we always were, you know? Like this shouldn’t be too shocking.”
“He doesn’t want to change?” Maddie asks. There’s always hope in Maddie and I wish I could hold on to that.
“Men don’t change,” Sue says woefully. “I’m sorry. I’m doing it again,” she says, shaking her head. “Sometimes it still hurts, you know? And I don’t want you to go through what I did. I promise you, it’s the last thing I want for you.” Her voice gets a little tight, but she shakes it off quickly.
I love Sue, and I remember how hard her divorce was on her. But I swear this is different. It has to be. Her ex was vile and brutal. Evan isn’t any of that. He’d never hurt me intentionally. He’s just … he’s just Evan.
“He said he wants to fix it,” I answer as I watch Maddie sip from the glass without picking it up. Instead she crouches down, bringing her lips to the rim to sip. My lips tug into an asymmetrical smile for just a moment at the sight.
“It’s not what he says.” The hardness in her voice is absent, but there’s still a finality in Sue’s statement. “It would be hard for him to change, wouldn’t it? He’s been this way for years.”
It’s meant to be a rhetorical question, but the answer rings clear in my head. He did something bad. Something that he needed an alibi for. That’s enough of a reason to change everything at once.
I stare at the dark red liquid. Sue’s voice turns to white noise as she tells a story about something that makes the other girls laugh and I laugh too, when they do. I don’t know if it’s the first time he’s needed an alibi. Or the second or the third. But it’s the first time he changed. I knew something was off before the article. Before he told me anything. Before the lies.
I knew something was different.
And I didn’t even bother to ask him what he’d done.
Evan
There’s a slow prick of irritation crawling down my spine as I sit in the chair across from James. Every limb feels the need to move, like a spider is climbing its way down my back. My fingers dig into the hard wood of the armrests as I stay perfectly still, staring down my former boss. Former friend. Now enemy.
“You aren’t the best at listening,” he says from across the room as he closes a drawer. The city lights creep in through the window behind him, casting shadows over the large desk.
“I don’t follow orders,” I grit o
ut from between clenched teeth. My words come out menacing, but I don’t mean for them to. One more meeting, and this is over. I’m done with him. He’s yet to get that message or to tell me what the hell is going on.
James leans forward, clasping his hands together and his perfectly tailored suit wrinkles beneath his arms, making the fabric look cheap. He’s always looked just a bit cheap. Regardless of the brand or how expensive his tastes are. Some assholes will always look like a knockoff.
He taps his fingers on the desk, but my eyes don’t leave his. “The reason I called you in here is simple, Evan. The new client we have likes to live on the reckless side, and I’m concerned about drug abuse.”
A gruff exhale leaves me from deep down in my chest. “I quit.” I ignore the fact that he’s hinting around what happened with Tony. My skin tingles and that feeling of a spider crawling on me comes back. I can’t help but think he’s recording this conversation. Everything in my gut has been telling me there’s a setup and that I’m going to take the fall for what happened.
It was my fault, so I should be taking the blame regardless. On my terms, not this prick’s and he’s responsible for the way it went down. Some of the blame rests on his shoulders.
“I know what you said, but I assumed you’d come to your senses,” he says, waving off my curt response. “Like I said, the new client has been known to behave a bit recklessly and I just want to make sure the policy we had in place remains the same.”
The policy. I smirk at him, my grip on the arms getting tighter although my fingers are all that move.
The policy where the clients get what they want, but we don’t say it out loud to anyone. The one where we’re given clean stashes of the best drugs in the rec rooms. That’s the policy. Instead of clarifying the policy, I answer, “After what happened with Tony I would think it’s more than clear that we should advise our clients against anything too reckless.”
James’s eyes narrow. He knows I know that he’s recording this. I’m not a fool. The only question I have is why. Why record it? More blackmail? Or evidence? What’s he after?
You Know I Love You: Book 1, You Know Me duet (You Are Mine 3) Page 15