‘You are sweet, you know. To look at you, no one would ever think you could be so mean. Well, that goes for me too, I guess … What made us be so mean to each other? Was it obstinacy, or vanity, or both?’
‘Both.’
‘Yes, I suppose so. Did you think I was the biggest tramp in creation?’
‘No, Jane. Not the biggest.’
Jane laughed loud enough to make the people at the next table turn their heads in our direction. ‘Steve, you bastard! Don’t you dare talk to me like that! No—seriously, though, how much did you know about me?’
‘It depends what you mean by “know”. I didn’t have you followed by any detectives. But I got a kind of rough idea.’
‘Oh, I knew all about you! Let’s see—there was Gloria, and Lois, and Yvette—you certainly picked them with the cutest names.’
‘Jane! How in the world did you—?’
‘Well, you see, some of the boys I ran around with knew them, too. And they thought that if they told me I’d be—grateful.’
‘And I took all that trouble, being so discreet!’
‘I know—always in the afternoons. You told me you were going to steam-baths.’
‘I actually did, sometimes.’
‘Well, as far as I was concerned, I’d like you to know that it happened much less often than you probably imagined. A lot of times, I just let you think it was happening … And as for that evening at the Novotny’s—’
‘Do we have to dig that up?’
‘Yes, Steve. Because I want to tell you something. You were more or less right—what you wrote in your letter about my general attitude. I guess I did want to bring things to a climax, like you said. I wasn’t enjoying our marriage any more than you were. But I didn’t up and create a scandal deliberately. It didn’t happen that way, at all.’
‘Then what did happen?’
‘Well, Roy Griffin and I were both fairly high, and we walked out into the garden to get some air. And then we were standing by the doll’s house and Roy said, “Let’s try if we can get inside.” You know how I am about any kind of a dare? And, of course, Roy is attractive—though I wasn’t specially interested in that. When we did get in, it was terribly uncomfortable. I immediately wanted out. But then Roy started to make love—to coin a phrase. I told him to stop but he wouldn’t, so I let him, because I didn’t want my clothes torn to shreds—yes, Stephen Monk, you may well hang your guilty head! You know, Roy was trying to prove something. That’s what made him so rough—’
‘What was he trying to prove?’
‘Oh, what a big he-man he was. Because, actually, he’s half and half. You must have realized that, didn’t you?’
‘I’ll say I did! In fact, one of the things that made me so mad was that he’d practically made a pass at me, only a couple of evenings before.’
‘He did? You know, somehow I kind of suspected that? But you weren’t interested?’
‘No—of course not.’
‘What do you mean, of course? Listen, Steve, you don’t have to pretend, with me. I’ve seen you look at fellows in that certain way, now and then—’
‘Well, if I did, it was only sort of theoretical.’
‘You know, maybe you should have tried being one. You might have been a whole lot happier, that way.’
‘I doubt it. It takes so much character—much more than I’ve got—to be a good one. And I can’t stand the other kind.’
‘Well, you know your own business best … But, let me tell you, when you banged on that doll’s house roof, little Roy very nearly had a heart attack.’
‘Ha, ha, did he?’
‘I don’t know if he thought it was the Vice Squad, or Sid Novotny, or what. I knew it was you, at once. And I told him so. I told him you’d probably come around to his house and tear him apart. I told him you once fought a duel with a man in Greece and shot him down dead like a dog.’
‘Oh, Jane, you didn’t!’
‘I most certainly did! I don’t believe he slept at his place for a month, after that. He kept staying around with friends. Or so I heard.’
‘You never saw him again?’
Jane shook her head. ‘Never saw any of them again. Never wrote any of them, either, after I left … All of that time seems awfully far away, now. And it’ll seem even farther, when I’m married to Roger.’
‘Are you going to miss it?’
‘No—not really. Not too much. You know, Steve, I got an awful scare, when you and I split up? I saw how I’d very nearly turned into a real tramp. Remember Shirley, at St Luc? She’s a tramp now. She went off with some band-leader, and he ditched her. She had a terrible fight with her folks. They won’t even talk about her. I never, never want to be like that. I’m playing it safe, from now on. As far as I’m concerned, those days are over for good.’
‘You’d better just forget they ever happened.’
‘Oh, but I don’t want to. Not altogether. The worst of it is, I can’t talk about them to Roger. And I can’t have him meet people who knew me then. I can’t trust them. All except for you, Steve.’
‘You can trust me.’
‘Sure. I know I can. That’s why we’ve got to be great friends—so we can talk about the old days, sometimes … I’ll tell you a very strange thing. Do you know who I keep thinking about so often, now? Elizabeth.’
‘Elizabeth? But you never even met her!’
‘I know. But I feel almost as if I had. I feel as if I met her in you, somehow. I got all of her books from the library and read them, last year, trying to get to know her better. I didn’t understand parts of them, but I think they’re just terrific. Why didn’t you ever tell me more about her?’
‘You never seemed to want me to.’
‘Maybe I didn’t, then. I was jealous of her, I guess … You know, Steve, there was something about you I never could quite understand. Something glamorous and kind of strange. Perhaps it was really what made me fall for you. And that came from Elizabeth, didn’t it? You got it from being with her.’
‘I suppose I must have.’
‘Well—this’ll make you laugh—but I know Roger feels the same thing about me. I got it from you. Elizabeth gave it to you, and you gave it to me. It’s a sort of background … Of course, Roger doesn’t care much about books, or any of that. But he likes it that I have this thing. He kind of thinks of me as an authority. He thinks you and I talked about those things, and that now I know … Oh, he’s sweet, Steve! You must be awfully nice to him. He does so love it when people are what he calls unusual. It’s his kind of romance. So I want us all to be friends.’
‘I hope we will be.’
‘Oh, if only you weren’t going off to this War! We’ll keep in touch, won’t we? I’ll worry about you a lot. But you’re not going to get killed. I know that. I refuse to allow any of my friends to get killed … What’ll you do when it’s over?’
‘All sorts of things. I’m not making any plans, though.’
‘You know, Steve, I have the most wonderful feeling about you? That you’re starting a new sort of life. And now everything’s going to be fun and exciting for you. And you won’t ever get dreary and scared any more, like you used to.’
‘That’s what I think too, Jane.’
‘Even if it’s bad for you, sometimes, in the War, it won’t be the same kind of bad. It’ll be wonderful, too. I really envy you …Oh, Steve darling, I do feel so very good about you and me and Roger and everything!’
‘It’s these cocktails.’
‘I know it! They’re just loaded with faith, hope and charity. I think the bartender must be a saint in disguise. Another one of these, and I’ll even forgive Hitler.’
‘I’ll even forgive myself. As a matter of fact, I just have. Do you know something, Jane,’ I said, as I emptied my glass, ‘I really do forgive myself, from the bottom of my heart?’
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Copyright © Christopher Isherwood 1954
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The World in the Evening Page 32