by K. B. Draper
Michael and I started our slow advance. The Reyna let out an annoyed breath. “Fine. I’ll kill you then leave.” She shot a palm toward Michael first, I'm assuming because she saw him as the bigger threat. I would need to rectify that. I sent a throwing star at her hand, the one shooting webs not the baby-holding one. The star sliced her wrist and black blood exploded from the wound but not before webs were released. One pierced Michael through the shoulder while the other caught him across the face. The Reyna turned her cold black eyes on me as she held her wrist to her mouth and drank. She was gloating when she released her wrist, closing the wound with a flick of her tongue.
“Well, that’s new and grossly handy,” I stated just before I dove at her. She yanked me forward, catching me by the throat, her talons locking around my neck like a vise.
She smiled as she brought my face within inches of hers. “Such a delicious thing. I so wish I had time to stay and play with you.” She flicked her tongue out and licked it up the side of my face. Freakin’ sick. “I think you would be a whole lot of fun.”
“As super special as that sounds, I’m kind of in a relationship so no go with the hoe-hoes,” I rasped.
The Reyna cocked her head sideways, as her double-layered eyelids blinked at me. Seriously, what did Michael see in this freak show?
I assumed she was trying to translate what I had just said. Granted it hadn’t been my best line but hey, my wit-generating brain was currently being held two-feet off the ground by a she-demon who had just licked my face. I was off my game. “Sorry. Let me try again. I wouldn’t touch you with a hazmat suit, a vat of sanitizer, and someone else’s body. Comprehend-o, Senora dirty leg?”
If the grip on my throat was any indication, she totally got what I was throwing down this go around and clearly wasn’t a fan. And with my next move, I didn’t think I was going to be winning her over anytime soon. I palmed the second throwing star and using it like a seam ripper, I took it straight up her side. Okay. My bad. Apparently seventh-grade Home Ec wasn’t a total waste of time.
The Reyna dropped me, none too delicately, and I immediately scuttled back out of her reach.
Reverend-Mayor was back on his feet and apparently even dumber than when we started this show. He started for the Reyna. “He’s mine! My son! God chose me!” he proclaimed as he launched himself at the Reyna’s back.
She reached over her shoulder and palmed his head like Kobe does a basketball and threw him aside. Before he’d even hit earth again, she sent a shooting spear of web through his chest, hurling him backward and pinning him against the nearest tree. Blood immediately bloomed across the Reverend-Mayor’s white robe and trickled from the edge of his mouth.
“And that’s why I never wear white,” I muttered, pulling myself back to my feet.
The sheriff ran to her father. “Dad!”
His head lolled in her direction as he choked on his own blood, fighting to rasp out one final word to his daughter. “Sinner.”
Whereas my reply would have been of the punch to the throat variety, the sheriff went with “Enjoy hell, you pathetic piece of shit.” Effective. His brain hung an “out of order” sign. The sheriff turned back to the fight.
I was already moving, flinging two knives—one at Danny, striking the tree next to his penned hand, the other in the dirt at Ashlyn’s feet. I gave the sheriff a nod toward the far side of the clearing. “Only if she’s clear.” I ordered. “I made a promise to the big guy.” She gave me an acknowledgement.
Michael was standing again, having ripped off his chest armor and removed the web that had cut off his vision and air. All signs of nice choirboy were gone now; he was full-on avenging angel. Or maybe Nolia Flaua, which I desperately hoped wasn’t the case. “Give me my son!” he boomed so loudly that the trees around us shook.
I flanked him.
“I don’t think so,” the Reyna said, backing slowly away. “I think I might go a different route, see what my husband has to say about him.”
I was giving chase before she took her first step to flee but she was fast, catching branches and swinging herself easily over obstacles. Michael, grounded from his wing injury, was on my heels, but slower as he couldn’t fully close his left wing and had to stutter-step slightly when we passed between narrow trees. We lost sight of her for a moment, but I had an idea where she was going. I brought the map hanging up in Ashlyn’s office into my mind. Grand had said after the Reyna killed Ashlyn’s father she’d disappeared into the hellgate. I assumed this was her plan today. Danny and Ashlyn were trailing behind us. We were pulling away fast but they were smart enough to put the pieces together and find us.
“I think I can manage to fly now,” Michael said, his wing back at his side.
“Do it! I’m right behind you.”
“If she escapes, Hoyo-”
“Yeah, so let’s not let her!” I yelled back.
In two bounding steps he was airborne.
I pushed my body harder. I felt, more than heard, Michael land a few seconds later. When I barged through the trees, Michael was standing between the Reyna and the whirling black abyss, flames licking out at him like greedy hands trying to reach out and pull him in. Stupid hellgates. I had almost been drug into one myself right after I started this gig by a nasty demon that caught the sleeve of my jacket. I’d peeled out of it but it was my favorite jacket so I’d stubbornly hung onto it, playing tug a war with the demon, him in hell and me on Earth. I was winning too until Danny walked up and with one slice of his sword, cut the sleeve from my jacket right at the shoulder. The moral to that story is Danny gets ugly vests every Christmas, a friendly reminder to never jack with my jackets. Oh, and I now go outerwear-less for these little tangos.
The Reyna sighed dramatically. “For Satan’s sake, if I had known what a serious pain in the ass you were going to be, I would never have seduced you. I would have gone after Raphael or …”
“Fabio?” I offered, moving toward Michael’s side of the playing field.
The Reyna glared at me. “If I had time, I would remove that smart tongue of yours and eat it-”
“Yeah, yeah, with a side of fava beans and a nice Chianti. Why don’t you stick around and take a go at it,” I taunted, swinging Mulder and Scully. I’d freed her from the ground on my way over. And if I do say so she was looking pretty good on upon her return. She really was my favorite.
The ground beneath my feet started to rumble. New trick, I’d thought but when the Reyna glanced down too, I had to think she wasn’t the source. She smiled. I followed her eyes to Michael. Black veins were starting to spider their way up Michael’s legs. He growled. “Give me my son!” The earth underneath me cracked. Not the best news I’d gotten all day.
The Reyna smirked. “No.” She was antagonizing him on purpose. I paged through my brain files for the CliffsNotes on Nolia Flauas. Nada. Perfect, they were probably just misfiled under B for Big goatass cluster fuck. That was a thick, catch-all file. But I didn’t need historical data to know she was attempting to incite anger, and other nasty emotions that shouldn’t be on an angel’s eHarmony profile, in an effort to turn up the Nolia juice.
“Mikey, she’s just jacking with you. We need to keep ya here and chil-” I said calmly.
“Give me my son!” Michael dropped his sword and balled his fists.
I watched as the black veins snaked further up his legs. “I think we need to dial back the bad mojo here, Incredible Hulk, or you’re going to go super Nolia.”
“Don’t listen to her, Lover. Doesn’t it feel good? Embrace it. Take it in and you could join me and your son. We could make a nice little life together. Rule the world. All worlds,” she purred. With one blink of her lashes she went from the dark evil bitch from hell to ethereal, beautiful beyond comprehension.
I bit my lower lip. “Holy amazing … everything,” I muttered. “Okay, Magic Mike, I can totally see why you tapped that.” Norm gave me a bitch slap before I could raise a hand and yell, “I’ll do it! Pick me! Pi
ck me!”
“No!” Michael boomed.
“Too bad.” The Reyna lifted the hand that wasn’t holding Baby Apocalypse, threw a web that caught a nearby rock, yanked it from the ground, and swung it at Michael and me.
I went down. Michael rolled forward, coming up directly in front of the Reyna. He grabbed her wrist and forced it downward, stopping a second flyby. She hissed venom at him. He turned his head and it hit his jaw and neck. Michael didn’t even flinch.
I lunged forward, long swords ready to strike. For a flash I thought I could end the threat, not just the Reyna but the threat she and Michael had created, and unfortunately Michael himself as more black veins serpentined their way up his back. But just as I was ready to end the fight, Michael jerked his head away from a swipe of talons and I caught a glimpse of the angel, the man fighting feverishly to save his son. I couldn’t do that to him. So instead of going with the initial kabob plan of Nolia, Apocalypse, Shemon I slid the blade between the Reyna’s ribs.
The Reyna cried out with an ear-piercing scream. This time I did feel blood coming from my ears. I yanked the blade out, already striking with the other. I sliced at her back but she spun, throwing Michael off her with a flick of her arm and turning all her rage on me. Talons swung at my face. I jerked back but not near quick enough, as three of them sliced my cheek. She rolled her wrist and brought her talons back at my chest. Again I moved, but even with Norm juice pumping through my veins, I wasn’t fast enough. The same three talons sliced my ribs and abdomen. Every slice caused a white-hot searing of my skin, like … oh say, the fires of hell tearing through my flesh.
I stumbled backward, dropping to one knee. I lifted a blade to block her next blow but she simply gripped it in her hand and squeezed. The blade turned to molten lava; the heat raced to the handle and I dropped it as my hand began to burn. I made a futile swing with Scully, gaining the second I needed to grab the small curved blade at my back. I flung my arm out, hooked the blade around her calf, and yanked. It sliced flesh and muscle. She cried out in fury but did not falter. She took a step forward, rearing her head back, preparing no doubt to shower me with her deadly drool. Not exactly how I thought I would go out, damn it.
Michael caught her around the neck, his bicep holding her head back for the split second I needed to roll out of her way. She dug her deadly claws into his arm, raking them down its length. He muffled his scream of pain, not releasing his hold.
I was going for another strike, aiming around Baby Apocalypse, who was now wailing in response to the chaos surrounding him. The Reyna lifted a leg, and I saw the talon at her heel just before it drove into Michael’s shin. Michael howled this time, but still held fast to his grip around the Reyna’s neck. She twisted her heel, using the talon to rip at muscle and bone. I dove forward on my stomach, grabbing her leg, while hooking my knife on the other side of the talon then yanking hard, severing it. She jerked her foot up and stomped down at my head. I twisted. She kicked out, driving her foot into my already damaged ribs.
My air was gone in a rush when I landed a few feet away. Michael’s lower leg was shredded, muscle and bone slashed and exposed. He was staggering as he fought to keep his grip on the Reyna.
I forced air back into my lungs as I pushed myself to my feet and went back to help Michael. We locked gazes for a second and my heart nosedived. Grand had always told me that people’s stories are in their eyes, and I knew in that moment Michael’s tale was going to be one of ultimate sacrifice.
“Michael! NO!” I pushed past the pain and ran toward him.
“Protect my son, Hoyo Abi,” he begged as black tears clouded his eyes. He released his hold on the Reyna’s neck and in a blink, he was in front of her, ripping his child from her grasp. He spun toward me, his child outstretched. He took one step before his body jetted forward as tips of talons protruded through his stomach. He took another stumbling half-step then tossed Baby Apocalypse at me.
I skidded to a stop, catching the bundle of baby and blanket.
“Protect my son,” Michael rasped.
“Michael!” I yelled, as he smiled weakly at me. He dug his feet in and started backpedaling toward the hellgate.
I stood frozen as I watched Michael and the Reyna fall into the flames. Then, just like that, as soon as it claimed its prize it closed with no sign of its existence. It was the sound of Baby Apocalypse’s screaming that finally pierced my daze. I looked down at the child that I held in my arms. “Oh, fuck! Noooo, no, no, no … no, no!”
I spun to Danny and Ashlyn who had arrived just in time to see the ending credits. I held Baby Apocalypse out to Danny.
Danny stepped back. “Yeah, that’s all you. You caught it; you clean it.”
I turned to hold the kid out to Ashlyn who retreated as well. “Ummm, you haven’t even bought me dinner yet, soooo …”
“Guys, seriously!” I stepped toward them.
They both took another step back.
“Danny, take this thing right now!” I ordered in my best bossy tone.
“Nice try.” He retreated another step.
I took another step toward Ashlyn and tried sexy. “Babe, I promise to be very, very appreciative later if you take this.” I held Baby Apocalypse out further.
She took two steps back. “Yeah, I’m still going with no.”
I stomped a foot. “Guys! Come on!”
They both turned back the way they came and started chatting between themselves. “She’s going to make a good mother,” Danny said.
“How does she do on little sleep?” Ashlyn asked.
Danny snorted. “About as good as she’ll do when we drop her off at Babies “R” Us.”
I remained rooted where I stood. “You guys totally suck!” I looked down at Baby Apocalypse who had quieted and was staring up at me, a slobbering thumb in his now grinning mouth. He had Michael’s brilliant blue eyes. “Ahh, crap.” I started to jog after Ashlyn and Danny. “Guys, seriously, this thing is slobbering,” I flinched, “and making weird noises.” I held it further away from me. “Oh my God and it smells!” I quickened my steps to catch their still retreating forms. “Seriously, guys!”
The End (Probably. Maybe. Not at all ... )
# # #
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
In 2008, K.B. Draper discovered a talent for storytelling after drinking a bottle of cheap wine at a Christmas Party.
One of her equally intoxicated friends said, “You are so freak’n *burp* funny. You should write a book.” The idea stuck and so did a cocktail napkin (in an inappropriate place) but that’s a totally different story. After that, K.B. Draper taught herself to write; which was challenging because she was a bad student and an even worse teacher — but words started to make sentences, sentences made paragraphs and paragraphs eventually made a story, which came to be her first book, The U-haul Diary.
The U-haul Diary is a comedic, loose interpretation (okay, completely one-sided view) of the women she dated who moved in and out of her life (and house). Writing was cheaper than therapy so she continued to tell stories in her stylized rambling humor.
K.B. Draper is not a classically trained writer but she fakes it pretty okay and hopefully inspires a few chuckles along the way.
Books
The U-haul Diary
The Kanyon and Daylen Series:
Close-up
Fade-out
The Demon Series:
Demons Shemons
http://www.kbdraper.com