I hadn’t thought about it. I guess I would, but seriously, that was the issue here? I really assumed the man would be furious at me for not telling him about my previous marriage and here he was mad because his mother found out about it at my shower and got embarrassed? Really? Being humiliated really seemed to stick in Austin’s craw more than anything else, as evidenced by his reaction today and before, at his cousin’s wedding.
“I’m sorry your mother was shocked, but I really don’t think that’s a cause to storm out of there. Nora doesn’t—”
“Elizabeth, I have never even seen my mother flinch, and you caused her to drop a knife on her foot. She’s clearly mortified. Divorce is inexcusable to her. And Nora’s behavior? That’s just as bad.”
“Like I said, I’m sorry about that,” I stammered.
“And what they hell were you thinking, not giving me the heads up about you being married before? For heaven’s sake, I would have broken it to her gently if you just told me. She’s really going to be pissed at me.” Austin rubbed at his temples as if to ward off a headache.
Am I missing something here? He really doesn’t seem to be upset about the fact that I was married. He’s just concerned about his mother? I’ve dated Mama’s boys before, but this was just plain absurd.
“Okay, so…” I didn’t even know what to say. This was not even remotely how I envisioned this conversation to go.
Austin interrupted me anyway. “This is what we’re going to do. We’re going to tell my mother that this guy…uh, what was his name?”
“Simon.”
“This guy, Simon was abusive to you and I knew you were married before but you were embarrassed about it so that’s why we didn’t tell her.” Austin instructed.
“Um, okaaayyy.” So apparently it was okay for Austin to lie to his mother, but not okay to lie to mine. His logic was boggling my mind.
“Then she still be mad and all but at least you had a reason to leave,” Austin muttered to himself.
Um, Austin, I did have a reason to leave. You don’t even want to know what it was?
“Listen, Austin, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the marriage. I realize that was wrong. We definitely should have discussed it and why it ended and—”
“I don’t care about your marriage. It’s over. It’s in the past.”
I was stunned. “Oh, okay.” He didn’t care about Simon. This whole time I was worried about him finding out about Simon and him living with me and he didn’t even care.
Completely confused by the scene that had just transpired, I obediently followed my very bizarre husband-to-be back into the restaurant. At that moment, I felt a flutter in my abdomen and I was instantly reminded of the fact that I was also having his baby.
Nineteen
The sound of laughter filled my ears as I leaned forward in the seat. Nauseous again, I clutched the empty ice bucket. The rest of the passengers of the limo were unaware of my misery. Or at least, they were too drunk to care.
My mother and Melinda were sitting toward the front of the limo, sipping their margaritas cautiously as to not spill on themselves. Nora, Jim, and my two cousins from South Dakota were sloppily doing shots in the back of the car. Gina and Holly, my friends that I hadn’t seen in about three years, were quietly giggling as they guzzled their champagne. Both recently had babies and this was the first time either of them had been out without their infants. In fact, other than the obligatory Christmas cards and birthday phone calls, I hadn’t had contact with them in ages. I have no idea how Jim stumbled across them, but somehow he managed to get in touch with them and they both showed up for this momentous event.
It had been like stepping into an alternate universe when I came out of the building this afternoon to find the limo parked out front with this motley crew assembled in it. Two women I haven’t talked to since my birthday (one was wearing a mumu to cover her baby fat and the other was ignorant of her baby fat—she was wearing muffin top hugging jeans), my mother and future mother-in-law (dressed in a button down dress shirt, loafers and slacks), my slutty cousins in spandex and hooker boots, and my already drunk best friend. Oh, and my gay friend wearing ass-less chaps. Oh yeah, this was the freak bus.
I guess it’s my own fault for not having normal friends. Or really any friends at all. Nora and Jim were pretty much the extent of my friends at this point in time. I didn’t go to a regular job and I really didn’t venture out of the house much. My fiancé was constantly away, and his “co-workers” were practically children. None of them were married or even in serious relationships. Who was I supposed to socialize with?
These depressing thoughts tumbled through my head as I focused on keeping the contents of my stomach down. Since I was almost four months pregnant, you would think that I would be done with this all day sickness, but no. I was still miserable. And what made it even more difficult was Austin and I agreed to keep the pregnancy a secret until after the wedding.
So before climbing into the limo, I made sure to mention that I think I had food poisoning. Which was entirely plausible since Nora and I had dined at a new seafood restaurant earlier in the week and it had been promptly shut down by the board of health the following day.
There was a collective groan of sympathy when I said I didn’t feel comfortable drinking on a queasy stomach, but the empathy ended there because half the party was blitzed already.
Jim was the only one who knew I was pregnant. Maybe I shouldn’t have told him before I told Nora, but with her track record of blurting out secrets lately, I could hardly trust her to keep quiet about the baby.
Jim organized the entire bachelorette party, despite my protests of not even wanting a bachelorette party. He wouldn’t tell me where we were going. He simply promised me a “good time” to which I replied, “Oh, we’re lounging on my couch in sweats?” He playfully poked my arm and shoved me into the limo.
We bounded along the Parkway and I set the bucket aside as the nausea had subsided for the moment. As long I didn’t smell steak, glue, or hard candy, I should be okay for the time being. Yes, I know they were weird aversions. I also couldn’t stand the sound of someone vomiting, either. That I discovered one night when Nora came over and got smashed on wine coolers.
“So, only one more weeks of freedom, huh?” Gina remarked as she leaned in toward me.
Confused by her question, I responded with the ever so classy, “Huh?”
Did Gina know about the baby? Could her mother’s intuition pick up on it?
Wait. I had more than a week before the baby came. Duh, Elizabeth. She must be talking about something else.
“A week till the wedding,” Gina drew out her words like I was dimwitted. Well, I guess I kind of was. What bride didn’t have her wedding on the forefront of her mind? Only a pregnant one who was seriously missing the presence of her ex.
Yes, yes. I know it was probably the pregnancy hormones. I had been through this in my head five hundred times a day and then, out loud with Jim about a hundred and fifty additional times.
I could not stop crying since Simon left. Every morning I sprang out of bed, expecting to see his snarky English face, only to realize by the time my feet hit the floor, Simon was out of my life forever now. After eight weeks of this nonsense, you would think each day would have gotten easier. But it hadn’t.
“Oh, yes,” I bobbed my head with fake enthusiasm. “Can’t wait.” In reality, I was dreading the wedding.
Last week, when baseball season was over, I moved into Austin’s apartment. Since he had two bedrooms and I only had one, we decided it was more logical for us to live in his apartment. In that week, I was gotten a glimpse of what married life was going to be like, and so far, I felt smothered.
Austin was home constantly. He either vegged out on the couch watching Sports Center all day, or he hovered around me, looking for me to entertain him. I couldn’t write, I couldn’t concentrate, and I certainly couldn’t spend time lamenting about Simon.
Austin remin
ded me on a daily basis that I needed to let my super know that I had vacated my apartment, so I could stop paying rent and they could lease the apartment. Yet, each day, I concocted a new reason why it was necessary to hold on to it. The foremost in my mind being, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to get married.
“You’re pregnant with his child. You need Austin,” Jim had reminded me over coffee earlier in the week. Well, coffee for him, decaf green tea for me. I had read a horrifying article in a parenting magazine about the effects of caffeine on unborn babies. That was after I read the article about mercury in fish that paralyzed me with fear. I think I was going to have to give up reading for the next five months. Plus eighteen years.
“I know I need him and of course the baby needs him, but I’m not sure I want to marry him anymore, Jim. He’s making me crazy,” I confessed.
“All guys make you crazy. We’re guys. It’s our job,” Jim pointed out.
“You don’t make me crazy,” I remarked blowing on my hot tea. “Can I move in with you and you can raise the baby with me? I saw a movie like that with Paul Rudd and Jennifer Aniston.”
“As much as I love a good Paul Rudd movie, I have to say that’s a terrible idea. I detest children. They’re loud, messy and they give me a headache.”
I sighed as I sipped my tea. “I can do the single parent thing.”
“Is this about Simon?” Jim asked curiously. “Are you still in love with him?”
“I am not,” I replied defensively as I felt my cheeks burning.
Jim held his hands up. “I’m just asking. It seems like you haven’t been yourself since Simon left.”
“Well, if you’ll remember, Simon leaving coincided with me finding out I was pregnant,” I pointed out.
“True. But this sudden repulsion for your fiancé coincided with it, too,” Jim reminded me as he picked at his coffee cup.
I looked down at my cheese Danish and stuck my finger in the gooey part. “I don’t know, Jim. Maybe I rushed into saying yes to him. When Austin asked me to marry him, Simon had just showed up out of nowhere, I felt like the biggest failure—”
“Simon again,” Jim sang out.
I ignored him as I continued, “I mean, I never really got to know him even though we dated for over a year. He was never around. I don’t know so much about him.”
“And now that he is around?” Jim raised his eyebrow at me.
“He’s not who I thought he was,” I practically whispered. “I’m scared to marry him, Jim. I don’t want to make another mistake.”
“Marrying Simon was a mistake?”
“Well, yeah! Look what happened,” I exclaimed.
“That was a situation, Elizabeth. His mistake, not yours. The whole marriage wasn’t a mistake.” Jim took my hand in his and rubbed it with his smooth thumb. “Your only mistake was not forgiving him sooner and trying to work through it. That’s what a marriage is. Work.”
I couldn’t look anywhere but down at the table. I knew in my heart that he was right. I had acted hastily with Simon. But now, it was too late. Simon was gone and I was engaged to Austin. And who could forget the little bundle of joy in my uterus, unceremoniously thrown into the mix.
“What am I supposed to do now, Jim? It’s too late. It’s too late for me and Simon. I’m stuck with Austin. I’m having his baby—”
“Allow me to play Devil’s advocate here for a second…”
“Go ahead,” I sulked.
“So why can’t you be with Simon instead of Austin?” Jim asked.
“That’s ridiculous. I’m having a baby with Austin. Raising the baby alone is crazy enough. What man wants to raise another man’s kid? Simon didn’t even really want his own child.”
“You just asked me to do it,” Jim reminded me while raising his eyebrows.
“That’s different,” I protested.
“Why? Because we’re not romantically involved?”
“Yes, and you might not ever get to have children,” I stated matter-of-factly.
“Oh so it’s a pity child?” Jim snapped.
“Well, not exactly…” Okay, maybe it was a pity child. But Jim said didn’t like kids anyway, so it didn’t matter. “I’m sorry. I’ll never offer you another pity child.”
“Thank you,” Jim replied sincerely. “Back to the question. Why can’t you be with Simon? You know he still loves you and it’s obvious that you still have feelings for him.”
“I don’t,” I denied. “The only feelings I have are negative ones. I’m done with Simon. I have to marry Austin. It’s just the way it is.” I stared sadly at my Danish, which was starting to look extremely unappealing. I threw it up later when I got home.
Now as I sat back in the limo’s leather seat, I knew that the next few years of my life were going to be a lot like this bachelorette party. Miserable and with no way out.
The limo exited the Parkway and headed toward the Atlantic City Expressway. My panic filled eyes turned to Jim.
Not AC! Anywhere but AC! God damn it, Jim! Atlantic City was filled with memories of Simon and Jim knew it.
Jim avoided my stare as his gazed down into his now empty glass. “Filler up!” He shoved the tumbler at Nora who was swinging a pitcher of some noxious green concoction in the air. He avoided my intense gaze as the limo lumbered on toward the bright lights of the city. I sent him telepathic messages of hatred and rage, but none succeeded in getting him to look my way.
Arms folded tightly across my chest, I stared glumly out the window, watching the lights get closer and closer. I resigned myself to the fact I was definitely going to marry Austin, and that my apathetic feelings toward this union were probably hormonal. I owed it to him and this baby to give it a shot.
He had been so cute when we had the sonogram done yesterday, begging the tech not to tell us the sex of the baby because he wanted to be surprised. For a second, as I reclined on the table, paper sheet draped across my naked lower half, I remembered that I loved him. I was with him now, I was marrying him in a few days and it would be the right decision. Even though I wasn’t able to drink, I was going to enjoy my bachelorette party. After all, I didn’t have a bachelorette party when I married Simon….
No more Simon! Simon is over. Simon is gone!
But how could I not think about Simon in this place? This is where our future had started.
The limo pulled in front of Caesar’s, causing me to groan out loud. This was where we had stayed when Simon proposed.
“You don’t like Caesar’s?” Holly questioned.
“No, it’s fine,” I proclaimed, glaring at Jim who was still successfully avoiding my eyes. The limo came to a stop and most of the party rolled out. I lumbered out with the help of the valet. Even in this early stage of my pregnancy I felt completely off balance. I must have looked like a Weeble half the time. I was shocked nobody had figured it out yet. Well, except for Nora and Jim and my mom, who did I really see on a regular basis?
I sidled up next to Jim who was instructing the valet to unload our suitcases out of the trunk. Suitcases? What the fuck? I wasn’t staying here overnight!
“Jim,” I hissed, tugging at his arm. “I don’t want to stay here. This place…I don’t want to stay here,” I repeated.
“Stop being a baby, Lizzie,” Jim remarked with a wink. “Too afraid of the memories?” he added with a knowing smile.
Son of a bitch! He knew exactly what this would do to me. Jim was forcing me to face how I felt about Simon head on and I didn’t like it. Not one bit.
Pouting, I followed the rest of my party into the hotel lobby to check in. Nobody else seemed surprised that we were staying overnight. As usual, I was the only one left in the dark. Apparently, someone had even packed me a bag.
After check-in, we headed upstairs to our rooms via elevator. The smell of liquor permeating from the pores of my inebriated party was so overwhelming, I hurled in the little barf bag I had taken to carrying around with me. Not that anyone noticed. I was only the bride. I might as wel
l have stayed home. It wouldn’t matter to them.
Despite my grudge, I had to admit once Jim opened the door, it was a pretty swanky suite. We all ooo’d and aaah’d as we dragged our luggage into the main room. The marble floor was recently polished and our reflection bounced off of it. The living room was sunk in with a fireplace in the center and a Jacuzzi tub against the floor to ceiling windows that overlooked the ocean.
“Okay ladies,” Jim clapped his hands to get our attention. “There are four rooms. The bride and maid of honor are in one room, the moms in the next, Gina and Holly in the third and Katie and Rachel are in the last room.”
“What about you, Jim?” Mom asked. Nobody thought it was strange that he was with us. I guess it had been obvious to everyone on the planet (except for me) that Jim was gay.
“I’ll sleep on the sofa right here. Not that we’ll be getting much sleep,” Jim replied with a wink. His response was immediately met by protests.
“Oh no, Jim, you can have my bed…”
“We’ll share, you sleep in our extra bed…”
“I’ll sleep with you, Jim,” my cousin Katie offered with a wink and a low growl. Okay, maybe I wasn’t the only one who hadn’t gotten the memo about Jim’s sexuality.
Jim continued to shake his head. “It is fine, ladies, I’ve got best bed in the house.” He proceeded to rub his hands together. “Now, I have a spectacular evening planned for you all, especially for the bride-to-be,” he paused as everyone broke out into polite/drunken applause.
“So you all need to find your rooms and get ready for a night you will never forget.” He pointed to the Roman numeral clock on the wall. “Let’s meet here at nine o’clock, ready for anything.”
The rest of the party giggled as I begrudgingly dragged my tote toward the room I had been assigned. Nora followed closely behind, trying desperately not to fall over her own heels. She must have been wasted before the limo even picked her up; I really didn’t think I had ever witnessed her being quite this intoxicated so early in the night.
[2013] Note to Self- Change the Locks Page 25