“Okay, Daddy.”
“Daddy?” Sally asked as Tina ran back to the bathroom.
“You ... might’ve missed a few things,” I replied. “I’ll catch you up later.”
Christy nodded, then said, her voice slightly muffled by the washcloth, “More importantly, what was that? It came out of nowhere. I didn’t even sense it until it hit me.”
“And who did it come from? Cat or Sally?”
“How many times do I have to tell you, dude, it’s Cheetara.” Tom gingerly touched his forehead. “Ow. That really stings.”
“Oh, stop being a big baby. You know you can heal that, right?”
He flipped me the finger. “Yeah, soon as I fucking figure out how to.”
“Okay, enough,” Christy snapped. “We have plenty of bandages in the medicine cabinet. That’ll do for now.” She glanced around at us. “It doesn’t look like anyone was hurt too badly.”
“Tom’s ego notwithstanding.”
“Eat a bigger bag of dicks than usual.”
“Hold on,” Sally said. “Tom?” She turned to face him, her strange eyes open wide. “That’s you ... in there? You’ve gotta be kidding me.”
I nodded. “Like I said, you missed a bit.”
“All right, enough of that. Focus, people!” Christy fixed us all with a glare, made somewhat less effective by her still dripping nose. Nevertheless, Tom and I both shut our traps as she addressed Sally. “Did you do that?”
Rather than answer, she pointed a finger at Tom. “Before I say anything else, let me just be clear that if you ever follow me into the ladies’ room, I will make it a point to test just how bulletproof you are.” Then, with a heavy sigh, Sally turned her attention back toward Christy. “Honestly, I don’t know. I want to say no, I really do. But when I picked Tina up...”
“What?” Christy prodded, just as her daughter returned.
“Oh, you felt it too, Aunt Sally?” Tina asked conversationally, handing a wet washcloth to her father.
“What did you feel, honey?” Christy asked.
“I dunno. It felt all funny.”
Ah, gotta love five year olds and their ability to describe things in adequate detail.
“Is that funny, hah hah,” Tom asked, “or funny as in show me on the doll where the bad woman touched you?”
“I liked you better when you were still dead,” Sally grumbled, before returning to the point at hand. “If she felt the same thing I did, then it was a tingle, almost like a minor static shock.”
Tina nodded. “Yeah, that’s what it was. It tickled.”
“And then?” Christy asked.
“And that’s it. The next thing I knew you were all flying through the air.”
Okay, that wasn’t particularly helpful. God, I so hated mysteries, especially ones that sucker-punched me in the face. Those were the worst. But when in doubt, the only thing I could do was the same thing I did for any programming problem – hit it from multiple angles until I found something that worked. “Tina, did you do this?”
“Don’t go accusing my daughter, dickhead.”
“I’m not accusing her, I’m asking a question. Occam’s Razor, dumbass. Ask the simple stuff first.” Tina opened her mouth, but I already had my wallet out. “Here’s a ten spot for the jar. That should buy me until the end of this conversation.”
She looked down at the money and grinned, showing there was at least one trait she’d inherited from her dad.
“So did you?”
She shrugged in response. “I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?”
“I don’t think so. I wasn’t trying to use my magic.”
Okay, not surprising, but it was worth a shot. I glanced at Sally next.
“Unless you’ve got some cash for me, too, it’s the same answer as before.”
“Only if you’re planning on dusting off your g-string and taking up pole dancing again.”
“Mommy, what’s a g-string?”
Oh shit! In the space of a second I’d forgotten the tyke was in the room. That was probably not going to win me any brownie points.
“Never you mind, sweetie,” Christy said, flashing me a look. “Why don’t you go play in your room?”
“But I want to stay out here and see what else happens.”
“Now, Christina.”
Tina glanced at her father, no doubt quickly adapting to the tried and true method of playing parents off against each other. Sadly for her, he was as big a pussy as ever. There was no help to be had there.
With a huff, she turned and went back into her room.
“And close the door,” Christy called after her. Then, when it was shut, she added, “And no magic!”
“I’ll take warnings I never expected to give my kid for a thousand, Alex,” Tom muttered under his breath.
“Same,” Christy said, “or at least not yet. I swear, I have enough wards in her bedroom to keep an entire coven contained and it’s just barely enough.”
“I take it she’s got talent,” Sally replied.
“You have no idea.”
I turned to her, “Remember what I told you before you got the spa treatment from hell?”
Sally nodded. “That she conjured a fireball in your apartment?”
“Yeah, well that’s the tip of the iceberg. She’s pretty much a mega-Magi.”
“Oh, or Magitron,” Tom said, “leader of the Decepticonjurers.”
Sally shook her head. “I can’t even begin to tell you how weird it is to hear those words coming out of that mouth.”
I offered my agreement then said, “Okay, Tina’s out of the room. Let’s get back to what we were talking about.”
Tom smiled. “G-strings?”
“Are you sure you couldn’t have put someone smarter in her body instead?” Sally asked.
I shrugged. “It’s not like we had a waiting list.”
“Enough,” Christy stated, again taking charge. “I have an idea.”
I turned to her. “Oh?”
“Yes. I need you all to focus here. More importantly...” She stood up then gestured toward me and Tom. “I need you two to brace yourselves.”
She placed the washcloth to the side and began to glow, her body suffused with yellowish energy.
“Any reason for the...?”
Before I could finish, however, she stepped in, fully charged, and grabbed hold of Sally.
What the fuck?!
GESTATING THE OBVIOUS
I wasn’t quite back to a point in my life where I was jumping at every shadow, but I knew Christy well enough that when she threw out a warning, I fucking made it a point to duck and cover.
Sadly, I was apparently alone in my insight because Tom stayed rooted to his spot even as I hit the deck.
“So, is something supposed to happen?” he asked after a moment.
“I ... guess not.” Christy raised an eyebrow Sally’s way. “Are you feeling anything?”
“Now that you mention it, I am kinda hungry. Not a lot of lunch options when you’re encased in solid rock.”
“I mean...”
“Relax, I know what you meant. There’s nothing. Not like when I picked up the kiddo.”
“No tingling?”
“Nope.”
“Maybe you two, should, y’know,” Tom offered, “get a bit closer.”
Sally narrowed her eyes. “I swear, if the next words out of your mouth have anything to do with us making out, I will...”
He held up his hands. “Chill out. I wasn’t going to.” Then he glanced my way and gave me a look that suggested, yes, he actually was. God, what a moron.
Christy let go of Sally’s arm and backed away. “Sorry. I figured it was something to try.”
I pulled myself off the floor and put a hand on her shoulder. “It was a good idea, although maybe a bit more warning next time.”
In the space of a second, Tom was there to slap my hand away. “Trust me, she doesn’t feel any tingles with you eit
her.”
“Really?”
“Hell yeah,” he replied. “Besides, everyone knows same sex relationships are the in thing these days. Who am I to argue?”
Christy glared at him, her eyes lighting up an angry red for a moment. “Can you behave yourself? Or do I need to ask you to...”
“Speaking of leaving,” Sally interrupted. “That’s my cue. All of this is ... really fucking overwhelming, if we’re being completely honest, but I’m thinking the best place for me to deal with it is back home.”
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” Christy said. “We still have no idea what happened to you or what caused that kinetic discharge.”
Credit where credit’s due. That was a lot better than calling it an inviso-blast.
Sally nodded. “I get what you’re saying. Believe me, nobody is more aware than I am that something weird is going on. But I need some time to decompress, take all of this in. I’m kind of running on pure adrenaline here. I mean, I may seem calm, but...”
“It’s okay,” I replied. “If anyone in this whole wide world gets it, it’s the people in this room.”
She gave me a look of gratitude, an expression that was pretty rare for her back when last she’d worn that face. But that had also been a different her.
She’d been a vampire in those days, possessed by a spirit from beyond which had made her stronger, faster, and eternally young, but at the cost of turning her into a bloodthirsty killer. After it had been purged from her system and she’d returned to the way nature had intended, the Sally who remained still had an edge to her, but it was more from experience than some voice in her head driving her to violence. Since then, she’d changed, become a good friend to me and Christy and an excellent auntie to Tina.
She was once again in possession of her youthful hotness, through some means none of us obviously understood, but she definitely wasn’t a vampire. That by itself was enough to put me at least partially at ease – albeit I wasn’t stupid enough to simply assume all was back to normal, not with the changes that had been wrought to her.
Also, the fact that Christy’s living room had been thoroughly trashed was a bit of a clue there, too.
At the same time, I remembered my first day as a vamp. Despite everything, even knowing that I was now a monster, all I’d wanted to do was go back home. Home was a safe place, a place to heal, a place to think. And, unlike me, Sally didn’t have dipshit roommates waiting to set her on fire, which really only helped her argument.
“I’ll stay by my phone,” she said, perhaps sensing our hesitation. “Only order takeout, et cetera. At least for now.”
Christy no doubt realized her only other recourse was to hold Sally prisoner against her will, which – crazy pulse of invisible energy aside – I couldn’t say was really warranted. There was also the fact she had a small child present. The rest of us could take a proverbial punch, but putting Tina in the line of fire was a different matter entirely.
“Okay,” she said at last. “I guess it doesn’t matter much if you’re here or there. I’ll start doing some research, see what I can find, if there’s any tests we can run.”
“Try Kelly again,” I suggested. “Maybe you guys can brainstorm this together.”
“Good idea.”
Amazingly enough, Tom picked that moment to try and be the voice of reason. “I’m not the only one who realizes how batshit this is, right? I mean, she just woke up after being trapped inside a giant dildo, looks completely different than when she went in, and almost blasted the shit out of us right here where we’re standing. So now we’re all like, okay, go home, order some Dominos, and chill? It’s not just me who sees the crazy here, right?”
I shrugged. “When you put it that way...”
Sally, however, ever the one to be a step ahead of the rest of us, was ready for him. Maybe she’d had time to think this over while in the shower.
“Trust me, you’re not the only one. But this isn’t my first rodeo. I’ve done weird before. I don’t know what this is or what happened to me, but I know we’ll figure it out. That said...” She gestured to the apartment around us. “...I have a big place with no neighbors, putting some distance between me and people in general, including that little girl in there. Crazy as it sounds, going home might be the safest thing for me to do because I really don’t want to hurt anyone.” She stepped forward and put a hand on Tom’s shoulder. “But that could easily change if you piss me off. Get my meaning?”
Tom was quick to back away. “Crystal clear. There’s no place like home.”
“I thought so.”
♦ ♦ ♦
“Be careful and don’t do anything to cause yourself undo stress.”
“Yes, mom,” Sally replied with a grin as Tom and I finished straightening up as best we could.
Christy, no doubt realizing she’d said and done all she could for the moment, turned to me. “I’m going to see if I can get in touch with Matthias and arrange for a meeting. At the very least, make him aware that we’re friendlies.”
“Speak for yourself,” Tom said. “That guy gave me douche chills.”
“Who’s Matthias?” Sally asked.
I pulled out my keys. “I’ll fill you in on the way.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah, my car’s outside. I’ll give you a ride. Christy said no stress, which rules the New York subway system out.”
Sally seemed to consider this for a moment, but then she nodded. “Okay. I seem to have left my MetroCard in my other outfit anyway. But shouldn’t you, y’know, slather up? Looks like the sun’s out. Not exactly vamp-friendly weather.”
I let out a laugh, right before remembering I hadn’t told her yet about my revamping. “How did you know I was a...”
“Observation, Sherlock. Down below, when you were fighting that little bitch, you were moving a lot faster than you normally do. That, and you got sliced up a bit when you went through that coffee table a little while ago, yet nobody said a peep about it. And now look at you.”
I reached up and touched my face, feeling nothing but unbroken skin, which wasn’t exactly surprising.
“Vamp healing, gotta love it,” she said.
“True. Although it’s hell on the sunbathing.”
“Like you even know what a tan is. Okay, go and get yourself ready. I want to get back to my place and enjoy the peace and quiet while I can.”
“Oh yeah. Speaking of which...”
♦ ♦ ♦
“So, let me get this straight,” Sally said from the passenger seat. “You’ve actually been recruiting vamps for a new Village Coven?”
“Technically I haven’t named it yet.”
“Whatever the fuck. Who cares? What I’m far more interested in is why you decided my building would be the perfect place to house them.”
The annoyed tone of her voice aside, I had a feeling we both knew this was small talk, nothing more because, once again, everything had changed.
In a way, it would’ve almost been easier had Sally popped out of her shell a rampaging monster. It wouldn’t have been ideal, don’t get me wrong. But there was a certain simplicity in dealing with things like that.
Awesome as it was to have her back, and in a way that didn’t require us to shoot her in the face multiple times, there was also the unease of once again having more questions than answers.
And that wasn’t even counting all the other crap weighing down my already overburdened brain.
Tom, for example, had stayed behind, purportedly to get in some quality time with Tina, but I couldn’t help but feel a stab of jealousy. Though Christy’s feelings for him seemed to be up in the air, I knew his weren’t. The fact that he’d known about her time at this so-called Falcon Academy and I hadn’t, well, it was a petty thing to be annoyed about, but I was nevertheless. Whereas she and I were still working up to wherever our relationship was headed, Christy and Tom had actually made it to the point where they’d been planning a life together ... before it had al
l gone to Hell anyway.
As for us now, well, with him back in the picture, I couldn’t help but think our relationship status was stuck in neutral.
The funny thing was, that was probably for the best, for now. Much as had been the case five years ago, when we’d been trying to save the world, girlfriend woes should’ve been the least of my worries. Doubly so because of who I was currently sitting next to and the seeming impossibility of her actually being okay, in a human sense.
I wasn’t exactly a theologian, but I wasn’t a base moron either. Sally had taken a bolt of energy from some insanely powerful thing that had been trying to break through to our world, an entity Gan had apparently both summoned and made a deal with. I wasn’t quite ready to say the g-word yet, but I had an inkling as to both Gan’s arrogance and ambition. She didn’t seem the type to bother striking a bargain with some minor pissant spirit.
Even had she not somehow blasted us all across the room, it would’ve been the height of stupidity to assume Sally had eaten that much power, and all she’d gotten out of the deal was a facelift and a new do.
“Seriously, Bill? You couldn’t have put them somewhere else?”
Her question snapped me back to the here and now. “What choice did I have? All the old safe houses are gone. Hell, even that one we shared with those Howard Beach assholes was bulldozed a few years back.”
“Good riddance to a bad shit-hole.”
“Not arguing, but the only other property left from those days is the Office. Call me crazy, but I figured the folks running your nonprofit might object to sharing space with a bunch of bloodthirsty land sharks.”
“True enough,” she admitted, staring out the tinted windows as we slowly navigated the packed city streets. “Although, there is one place you conveniently forgot to mention, a building with your name on the lease that you actually have fucking permission to use.”
Huh. Barely an hour back in her old body and already some of the attitude was starting to return. Guess someone was feeling better. “I have tenants to worry about, whereas you...”
“Enjoy my privacy?”
“I was going to say are used to cohabitating with vampires.”
Bill of the Dead (Book 2): Everyday Horrors Page 6