by Nyrae Dawn
His hands are on my hips as I move. He feels so good and I feel so good that I wish I could hold on to this feeling forever. When his grip on me tightens, I know he’s getting close. Maddox’s hands slide up my body, cup my breasts, and then he rolls each of my nipples between his fingers. That’s all I need to push me over the edge. I’m careening down, but it’s such a wonderful fall that I want it to keep going. It takes me over as my whole body shudders and then he’s pushing deeper and my tremble is transferring to him as he finds the bliss I just held.
Look at him. Look at him, Bee. Yet I can’t make my eyes find his. This didn’t feel like just sex and I’m not sure how to deal with that.
“I’ll be right back.” Maddox kisses me, one quick, tender peck to the lips and my eyes start to mist. It’s the kiss of a lover. Of people familiar and comfortable with each other in a way I’ve never let myself be with anyone.
He doesn’t seem to notice as he disappears from the room. Fear starts seeping through all the hiding places inside me. I’ve fallen for him. He means something to me, more than I want to admit. What if I hurt him? What if he hurts me? What if I can’t be what he needs?
“Hey.” Maddox stands in my doorway, naked and so so beautiful. “Don’t. Wherever you’re going in that beautiful mind of yours . . . don’t.”
Without another word he turns off the light. I hear his footsteps on the carpet and then he’s grabbing my comforter and pulling it. When I scoot over, he lies down next to me before lifting the blanket on top of us.
“You shouldn’t be on your back.” Maddox pulls me over, so I’m half on him, my shoulder facing up and away from the mattress.
My body is stiff as we lie silently in the darkness. After what feels like a million years, he whispers, “It’s not easy for me either. Let’s not overthink it, yeah?” Like he’s known for doing, he goes silent after that.
Some of my tension evaporates with his words. Thinking of the leaves on my back and the fact that they’re his mark, I somehow relax. Wrapping my leg over the top of him, I nuzzle into his chest and go to sleep.
I’m not sure what wakes me later. It’s as though my eyes open and I’m awake. Maddox is holding on to me, his breath in my hair and his chest rising and falling against my cheek.
The ghost of a memory starts flittering its way through my head and I realize what woke me up. I’d been dreaming about Rex and Melody.
“Where’s my mommy?”
“She’s gone. We’re going to take care of you now. She wanted you to be with us.”
Waves and waves of tears had fallen from my eyes. I cried. Cried all night. Cried for days. How could I not have remembered that? How could I not have known I missed my parents? I’d suppressed all that terror.
Not wanting to wake Maddox, I push out of bed as quietly as I can. After grabbing my shirt, I slip it on and go to the room we were in earlier and sitting on the chair. With my knees bent, I wrap my arms around my legs and close my eyes.
They hurt me. Of course they hurt me. They stole me.
It’s this fog in my brain that I somehow contained all these years. I don’t know if I wanted to block out the fact that Rex and Melody had really hurt me—that they’d let me cry for the parents I believed were dead. What did I think? That they’d told me and I shrugged that it was okay and that was the end of it?
In the name of love, they’d broken my parents and my sister and . . . me, the one they claimed to care about. And now I have my parents back and I know they love me but they wish I was someone different too. All in the name of love. I don’t get why in the hell anyone would want to feel it. Why am I considering letting it get its claws into me?
As if I don’t control it, my hand reaches for the phone. I have no idea what time it is. I know it’s late. Still I dial my mom’s number, not sure why I’m doing it.
She answers on the second ring. “Hello?” Mom sounds as perfect as ever, not as though I woke her up when I know I probably have.
“Hey . . .”
“Leila? Is everything okay?” The pitch in her tone rises a notch.
Bee . . . my name is Be . . . Though I guess it’s really not, is it? “It’s cool. Everything’s . . . cool. I don’t know why I called. I’ll let you go—”
“No! I’m glad you called. I want to talk to you.”
She does. I know she does but her love and Rex and Melody’s love are still this murky fog that I don’t understand.
“Couldn’t sleep?” Mom asks after a minute of my silence.
“No . . . not really.” There’s a guy in my bed. A guy that I might have feelings for when I’ve never let myself really love anyone after I lost you and then Rex and Melody were ripped from me. “I have a headache.”
“Did you try a bath? That works for me. I keep the lights low, maybe light a candle and lay a wet washcloth over my forehead. It’s really relaxing.” There’s a rustle in the background and I imagine her sneaking out of bed so she doesn’t wake my dad. They’re courteous to each other like that.
“How’s Dad?” I’m not sure why I ask.
“He’s great. He misses you. We all do. We were thinking maybe you could come home one weekend soon. Your sister would love for you to meet her fiancé.”
“Yeah . . . yeah, we’ll plan something.”
“And you know if there’s anyone special in your life, you can bring them, right? We’d love it if you did. You’ve never brought anyone home, Leila—Bee. I know there has to have been someone. You’re such a pretty, smart young woman. Any man would be lucky to have you.”
“There’s never been anyone, Mom.” And that’s true. There never has been before . . . but maybe there could be Maddox now?
“What about . . . if there’s a woman, that’s okay too. You know we’d love you regardless.”
A humorless laugh falls from my lips. “There’s not a woman. I like men.”
“Honey, we want you to be happy. You’re so alone out there. All you have is that tattoo place. What about—”
“I didn’t call to do this with you. That tattoo place makes me happy. I’m not like Larissa.” Maybe I could have been. Then we’d all be happy.
When she speaks again, there’s a slight tremble in her voice. “That’s not fair. That’s not what I meant.”
Time to go. “I know. Listen, I better go. I just called to . . .” Nothing comes to me because there isn’t a reason.
Mom sighs and she’s quiet for a few minutes. There’s never been a time she doesn’t know what to say. “I love you, Leila. You know that, right? We all do. I want you to trust me.”
Love. There’s that word again. It finds its way into every conversation. Someone is always declaring their love to someone else but it doesn’t stop them from hurting other people. It doesn’t stop me from hurting other people. “I know. I gotta go. I’ll talk to you soon.”
When I hang up the phone, I let it slip through my fingers and fall to the couch, wishing I could be more like her. Wishing I could find the Leila inside me I used to be. Or even Coral. Both of those girls knew how to let people in.
Chapter Twenty-Four
~Maddox~
She’s been out of bed about an hour. I can’t stop thinking about her. Not only her but also me. Her and I. Whatever the fuck we are, if we’re anything. I’ve never let myself overthink shit because nothing has ever really mattered except for the stuff with my dad and my sister. But here I am thinking about her and wondering about the way she’d suddenly tensed against me, the little moans that snuck past her lips, and wanting to fucking erase her ache.
Instead, I let her go . . . That’s me, though, isn’t it? I didn’t do anything about Dad and I haven’t done anything to be there for Bee either.
The crazy part is . . . I want to. Want to learn how for her because she ties me in knots in the best way. I actually want to be with her and even though it’s scary as hell, I think she’s worth it.
Still, I haven’t left her bed. Haven’t walked to find her or tried to b
e a man and take care of her. I’ve been trying with Laney ever since I let them all down. Things with Bee are on a whole other playing field because I want to wipe her tears and make love to her until she forgets about all those secrets she keeps locked away from me.
The same fucking way I do with her.
Still, I want to try.
My eyes are drawn to the door, seconds before she walks through it. Her shadow, dark in an even darker room as she makes her way back to the bed and climbs in.
I can tell she’s on her side, facing me, but her skin hasn’t come in contact with mine. I want to wrap her inside me where we can both pretend we’re not fucked up and lost. The urge to ask her where she was for so long begs to fucking break through my lips. I don’t let it.
“You’re awake.” Her voice breaks through the night.
“Have been ever since you left.”
Ask her what’s wrong. Ask her where she went.
“Sorry.”
“Why? You want to get up, then you get up.”
“Ooookaay.” The bed dips as though she’s rolling away from me to get up. Need surges through me and I reach for her. Touch her soft fucking skin and pull her to me.
Tell her you want her. That you want to try. “You were making noises.”
“Strange dream.”
On instinct, I run a hand through her hair, lean forward, and press my lips to her forehead. “What was it?”
Before she has the chance to reply, my cell rings. A fist lodges itself in my stomach. They called at night when Mom tried to kill herself the last time. We didn’t find out about Dad until night too. All I can think of is my sister—of something having happened to her.
“Get it.” Bee gives me a light shove as I move away from her. A light comes on from her side of the room, right before I reach my pants and pull my cell out.
My skin tightens when I see my sister’s name light up the screen.
“What’s wrong?” I ask immediately.
Crying is my reply. Laney’s trying to speak but I can’t understand anything that’s coming out of her mouth.
“What the hell is wrong, Laney?”
“I got it, baby. Give me the phone,” Adrian says in the background before he’s on the phone. “It’s your mom, man . . . She’s gone.”
My hold on the phone tightens. I don’t know if I’m breathing. If my heart is fucking beating. She’s gone. Even without being told, I know she finally got her wish and her parting shot at Laney at the same time. “Tell Laney I’ll be right there. Don’t you fucking leave her alone and you tell her I’m coming, okay? I’ll be right there.”
Without another word, I hit END on the phone. I’m already shoving my legs into my pants.
“What is it? What happened?” Bee steps up to me.
“My mom’s dead.”
She gasps and I wonder if it’s because I lost my mom or because of the cold way I said it—detached with no feeling because I don’t know how in the hell to feel.
“Maddox, I’m so sorry. What happened?”
I shrug. “She did it somehow. What kind of mom would she be if she didn’t kill herself on my little sister’s birthday?”
Bee gives another gasp at that before she reaches out for me. I’m too angry at my mom and the situation to let myself be touched. My skin is tight with tension. I dodge her as I go for my shirt.
“I gotta go. I need to check on Laney.” My voice muffles slightly as I pull the shirt over my head and go for my shoes.
“Hey.” This time, I don’t move when she grabs my arm. “What about you?”
“Doesn’t matter.”
She lets me pull away but then steps in front of me. “Let me go with you.”
And fuck if I don’t want that too. If I don’t need it. Someone there for me. Her there for me. “You don’t want to do that. It’s not going to be pretty.”
“Don’t fuck with me, Maddox. You know I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it. Let me go with you.”
There are all sorts of reasons I should tell her no. I know Laney is going to want to go back home. There has to be shit to take care of and it’s not like I’ll let her do it alone. Bee shouldn’t have to close Masquerade. This isn’t her business and she doesn’t want ties, but fuck if none of that matters right now, because I need her. I want her, and minutes ago I tried to tell her that I wanted to be with her and didn’t know how. This time, my mouth won’t stay closed.
“Yes,” is all I say and then I pull her to me. She wraps her arms around me and for a minute, I pretend that we’re normal. That we’re like everyone else and we’re not playing this game where we pretend there’s nothing between us when there obviously is. When I want there to be.
“Let me get dressed real quick, okay?” She steps away before getting her clothes. I watch her and wish we could go back to the part where she was taking the clothes off instead of putting them on. I wish this night—no, our fucking lives—wasn’t so screwed up.
Bee grabs a bag out of her closet and puts some other clothes inside. She leaves for the bathroom, probably to grab whatever else she needs, and all I can think is she knows—she knows that we’re probably going to leave town and be gone for days, but she’s still coming.
When she’s all packed, we head for the door. I stop when I get there and look at her. My mom is dead . . . Thoughts fight to push their way to the surface but I shove them down. I can’t think about this. I just need to push through. That’s what I do. Close the fucking doors inside me and push through. It’s worked for years.
“Thank you.” I push her hair behind her ear because even though I can’t deal with the rest of it right now, I need her to know how much this means to me. “Thank you for coming.”
She blinks, biting her lip when she looks up at me—unsure in a way she isn’t usually. “It’s nothing.”
But both of us know it’s everything.
I’m so fucking nervous as I walk toward Laney’s apartment. Christ, I don’t know how to do this. Don’t know how to really be there for her. I’ve done a shitty job of it for years. I can’t stand seeing her upset. It makes me feel helpless.
“Are you okay?” Bee asks as we stand in the hallway.
Honesty finds its way out of my mouth. “I don’t know how to do this. I’m not like her. She’s wide open with everything she feels and this is going to kill her. I don’t know how to be there for her.”
Bee takes my hand, then goes to let go as if she’s not sure she should do it. Before she can, I tighten my grip on her.
“Don’t try to be there for her. Grieve with her.”
How screwed up will it be if the truth comes out there. That I don’t feel anything other than anger. That I don’t need to grieve after how my mom had treated us. “I’m fine.”
Bee looks toward the ground. “I’m always fine too . . . I’ve been fine for years. But we never really are, are we?”
It’s like I feel the walls inside me break down. Feel her break them down and find her way inside, into this place that I didn’t think was there. “I don’t know.”
She looks up at me, really looks at me, and I feel her eyes like she can see deep inside, and wonder if anyone has ever seen me the way she is right now. “Bee . . .” I take a step forward, reach my hand out to cup her cheek, but the door opens behind us.
“Maddy. She’s gone. She’s really gone.”
I turn to catch my sister as she wraps her arms around me. She cries enough for the both of us, her tears wetting my shirt. None fall from my eyes, though. I only hold her, be there for her, and wonder what it would be like to ever let go like this. Wonder what it would be like, to free myself from the past and help Bee through hers too.
Chapter Twenty-Five
~Bee~
Maddox is quiet the whole way to Stanley. It’s a few hours away, and the entire time I keep telling myself I should speak. That I should tell him it’s okay or ask him if he needs to talk but fear lodges the words in my windpipe. Even though I hate it, I
can’t stop myself from wondering if I should be here right now. If it’s my place to tell him these things when he didn’t even want to hear it from his sister.
So instead I sit back and let him drive my car. Laney’s in the car in front of us with Adrian, Colt, and Cheyenne. They’re all so close in a way that’s so foreign to me—when one bleeds, they all seem to. When one of them needs something, they’re all there, and I can’t help but think about the fact that if I wasn’t sitting in this car with Maddox right now, he’d be on his motorcycle alone. They would have each other and he would have no one, and being that person to him fills this void inside me that I never realized was there. As hard as it is and as frightened as it makes me, I see his shattered soul through his eyes and I want to do this for him because even though he may not know it, Maddox has made me feel when I haven’t wanted to for so long. I owe him this.
His mom is dead and I know it hurts him. It has to, no matter what his family situation has been.
When we pull off the freeway, I watch as the other car goes left, and then Maddox turns right.
“We’re not going to the hotel?” They’d decided to meet there, no one wanting to go to his mom’s apartment.
“No. I called when we made a stop. I need to go to the morgue to ID her. I don’t want Laney to have to see that shit.”
I never thought I would be the type of girl who would say a guy made her melt. Maybe this isn’t the right time and the circumstances are all screwed up, but the way he loves his sister makes me do just that. My hand reaches for the door handle because I need something to do with it. He loves her with the kind of strength that makes people do crazy things.
“Maddox.”
His cell rings before I can say anything else. I’m surprised when he answers it but not shocked when he says, “I need a few minutes to process this. I’ll meet you at the hotel. Don’t leave without me.” Maddox tosses the cell down.