“No. Nothing like that at all. Remy’s great.”
“Ah, Remy. You wanna tell me about him?”
I shrugged, but the words fell from my lips, anyway. “He’s amazing, Mom. He’s funny and caring and he gets me in a way that seems so effortless for him. It’s like I’m hanging out with my best friend whenever we’re together.”
My mom leaned closer to me, her eyes wide. “That’s great! I’m so happy to hear that!”
I shrugged again and looked back down at my hands. “Yeah, it’s me that’s the problem.”
“Why would you be the problem, honey?”
Here it was. The reason I drove all the way up here. Now that I was faced with it, I wasn’t as calm as I thought I would be. Instead, the anger bubbled in my system, the unfairness of it all boiling my blood until my hands were white-knuckling the potato peeler.
“Because I’m fucking broken, Mom.”
“Belle! Don’t use that kind of language here.”
I shot a narrow-eyed look at her. “Why not? It’s the truth. I’m fucking defective and it’s because of you.”
My mom jerked backward, her hand hovering over her open mouth. “What are you talking about? What did I do?”
I sat up straighter in my chair, the words flowing straight from my brain to my mouth without a single filter in place. “I’m incapable of being with someone seriously because I saw what that did to you. I watched you waste away in your bedroom for months after dad died. Watched you foaming at the mouth after you took too many sleeping pills and almost died yourself. You couldn’t even bring yourself to provide food for your kids and we had to be sent to Grandma’s house so we wouldn’t starve here! I watched all that and promised myself I’d never be like you. That I’d never let a man get to me like that. That I’d never be so vulnerable and stupid to let someone else dictate whether I wanted to live or not. That’s all because of you!”
I slammed the potato and the peeler onto the table, my chest heaving and my eyes pricking with angry tears. I sniffed them back though because I wasn’t done.
“I’ve got a great guy back in Providence that is practically begging me to be with him and all I can do is push him away. All I can do is take and take and take from him without giving anything in return because I’m scared shitless to let him in. I’m terrified I’ll lose him like you lost Dad and I’ll be just as bad as you. That I’ll be just as lost, just as pathetic. I promised myself that I’d never make the decisions you made, and now I’m breaking some poor guy’s heart because of it. Tell me how that’s not all your fault!”
The silence in the kitchen rang in my ears as the aftermath of my words settled around us. I was gasping for breath by this point, willing the moisture from my eyes, but it seemed my mother didn’t have the same inclination. Fat tears rolled down her face and dripped off her chin as she stared wide-eyed at me.
Finally, she shook her head. “You only saw half the story, Belle. You only remember the bad parts.”
“What other parts were there?!” I yelled, my voice bouncing off the walls and reverberating in my pounding head.
My mom reached out for one of my hands, but I pulled away from her and crossed them over my chest. She sat back in her chair and shook her head before letting it fall forward. Her shoulders were hunched and shaking, and I tried to feel sorry for her. To feel anything but anger, but there was no room left for anything else.
When she looked back up, her eyes were red-rimmed and pleading. “You’re right, Belle. I did do all those things. I let the death of your father almost kill me too. I stopped taking care of myself, I stopped taking care of you and Isaiah, I stopped living because your father did. You’re right, and I’m sorry. I don’t think I ever properly apologized to you for everything I put you guys through, but I am so sorry. You didn’t deserve any of that and it wasn’t fair to you at all.”
Her words chipped at the layer of ice around my heart, but it was thick, and a few nice sentiments weren’t going to get rid of it all together.
My mom shook her head again and leaned closer to me. “But what you don’t understand, baby, is that loving your father almost broke me, but it was also what brought me back to life.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
“Him and the family we created was the only thing that got me through that dark time. If I hadn’t had his love burrowed deep inside me, if I hadn’t had the children we’d raised together, I wouldn’t have made it out alive. I know I wouldn’t have. All you saw was that love made me weak, but what you missed was that same love made me stronger than I ever could have imagined. It made me strong enough to live without the love of my life. To keep living for him and for you two. I couldn’t have done that without his love. I couldn’t have done that with without loving.”
I broke away from her sad gaze and stared at the table, her words slinking through my mind. Finally, I shook my head. “But you wouldn’t have needed to do all that if you hadn’t fallen in love to begin with. If you hadn’t let yourself fall that far, you wouldn’t have had that high to climb back out.”
My mom shook her head sadly, her hand clasping my arm and squeezing. “Belle, baby, love is hard, and it’s scary but it’s always worth it. I’d rather live the rest of my life with the memory of your father’s love than to have never had it to begin with.”
The tears I’d been fighting finally won the battle leaving warm trails down my face. I met my mom’s eyes and let the truth fall from my tongue. “I’m so scared, mom. What if something happens and I’m not strong enough to get past it? What if I let myself love him and then I lose him?”
She squeezed my hand tighter. “That’s a risk we all have to take, baby. And it is a risk, but it’s one of the ones that’s worth taking every time. Every. Single. Time.”
Those words coming from her mouth had an effect on me I wasn’t expecting. If someone who’d lost so much could still say that loving was a risk worth taking, wasn’t that something I should be listening to? Advice I should be heeding?
I wasn’t sure, but I felt like coming here was the right thing to do. I knew I’d never be able to forget the things my mom had done after my dad died, but now I understood her a little better. More importantly, I’d finally found a way to forgive her.
These words between us needed to be said, and these tears needed to be shed. I didn’t know what it meant for my future, or for me and Remy, but I felt like this time with my mom had cleared some things up for me. That maybe, I could make this decision without the fear that had plagued me for most of my life.
Chapter 35
Belle
“You’ve been unusually quiet since you got back from visiting your mom. I know you said you didn’t want to talk about it, but are you okay?”
I rolled over in Remy’s arm and quirked a brow at him. “Are you trying to say I have a big mouth?”
He smiled wide. “Those are your words, not mine.”
I chuckled and shook my head before nestling closer to him again. “I’m fine. Just thinking about a lot of stuff.”
He was quiet for a moment before speaking again. “You know you can talk to me about anything, right?”
I sighed and nodded, but that wasn’t really true. This wasn’t something I could talk to him about because it was about him. And about me. And about what my mom said.
It had been only a couple nights since I went up to Massachusetts to see her, and my decision was no easier. I understood her view on things, but I just didn’t think it applied to me. That I was the exception.
I’d lived too long knowing love was a bad thing. A scary thing. Something to be avoided at all costs. I was sure there wasn’t anything that could change my mind.
Remy squeezed me again and kissed my forehead, sending my stomach into knots. It reminded me that if there was one thing, one person who could get me to change my mind, it was him.
I sighed and scooted out of his arms, knowing that the more comfortable I got, the less I’d want to leave, and
I couldn’t stay. That was just one more of my rules I’d set up to keep myself firmly on this side of the wall I’d erected between us.
Remy sat up, letting the sheets pool in his lap, and I took my time admiring his body in the moonlight before I finally had to turn away.
“You know, I was thinking about the wedding tomorrow,” he said.
I stood from his bed and began looking for my clothes. “Yeah? What about it?”
He cleared his throat, and I shot him a quick glance, noting the way his brows were bunched together. “I was thinking we should go together.”
I found my panties and slipped them up my legs as I frowned at him. “You mean share an Uber? I thought that was a given.”
Remy sat up straighter and clasped his hands in his lap while I pulled my pants on. “No. I meant together as a couple.”
I froze with my pants halfway up my legs. My mind raced and my heart stuttered as I dissected his words over and over, looking for a meaning that wasn’t the obvious one. That wasn’t the one that meant my time was up.
“Um, what?” I said unintelligently.
Remy shrugged, but even in the dim light of the room, I could see the worry in his eyes. “Yeah. I mean, we’ve been doing this for a while now. And you know everyone at that wedding already knows about us. Why not just go together?”
I finished pulling my pants up and tugged my shirt on over my head, forgoing my bra completely. I didn’t have that kind of time right then.
“Um. I don’t think that’s such a great idea, Rem.”
He sighed again, and it felt like a bullet was fired from across the room.
I knew this was coming. To be honest, I was a little surprised it had taken him so long. That he’d put up with my shit until now. But the reckoning was finally here, and I wasn’t prepared at all.
“Why not, Belle?”
I fisted my hands at my sides. The urge to run was making my skin itch, but I stood my ground. If I couldn’t give him what he wanted, the least I could do was face him.
“I’m just not ready for that.”
He climbed out of bed and my mouth went dry. He was completely naked and so distracting, I was having trouble remembering what we were talking about.
“What’s so scary about being with me? You know I haven’t asked you for anything until now. Why can’t we just go to this wedding together?”
I remained quiet for a moment, letting my mind race while I watched him. His broad shoulders were slightly hunched, and the anxiety was still in his dark gaze. Anxiety I’d put there. I’d taken this strong, confident man, and made him doubt himself like this. All because I couldn’t get past my own bullshit.
I sighed and reached up to pinch the bridge of my nose. “It’s not you that I’m afraid of, Remy. It’s me.”
He came closer, leaving only a foot of space between us. “You know I’d never hurt you, Belle.”
“I know you wouldn’t intentionally.”
He frowned. “What does that mean?”
I sighed again and took a step away from him. My eyes flitted toward the door and I ached to run to it and flee this conversation all together. “It means that sometimes we don’t have a choice, Rem, and I can’t take that chance.”
I watched his shoulders droop more as my stomach twisted painfully inside me. What I was doing to him wasn’t fair at all. I was being so selfish I could barely stand myself. He deserved so much better and it was time to be honest about that.
“Listen, Remy. Maybe we shouldn’t do this anymore.”
He took a faltering step toward me. “What are you talking about?”
I backed up some more before answering him. I knew if he put his hands on me, I’d forget all about what I knew I had to do. “Maybe we’ve had our fun, and this is where it should end.”
He shook his head quickly. “No. I don’t agree with that at all.”
I shrugged and took another step toward the door. Which also was a step away from him. I already felt the distance down to my bones. “I think what we have has run its course and we should just try to be friends from here on out.”
He folded his arms across his chest, his sleeve of tattoos on display and his eyes flashing with anger. “That’s what you want? To just be friends?”
NO.
I screamed the word over and over in my head, but all I said out loud was, “I think that’ll be best. For both of us.”
But that wasn’t true either.
It wouldn’t be best for me. Not by a long shot. My time with Remy had been some of the happiest of my life. There wasn’t a single piece of me that wanted to do this, but I had to, for him.
He needed to stop wasting his time on someone that was never going to be what he needed. And I needed to stop pretending that I could be right for someone like Remy. All the lies were bound to catch up to us eventually. Why delay the inevitable?
I turned and headed toward the door, determined to hold my tears in until I got back to my room. Just as I was turning the handle, he spoke again.
“You’re wrong, Belle. I don’t know what exactly is going through your head right now, but you’re wrong.”
I didn’t answer him. Didn’t turn around. Didn’t even acknowledge I’d heard him speak. I knew if I did, I’d lose the tentative hold I had on my emotions and he’d see right through what I was trying to do. Instead, I opened his door and slipped through the crack, closing it softly behind me.
I spent the rest of the night tossing and turning in my bed, wishing like hell I could be someone else. That I could be braver. More open. That I could love Remy like he deserved to be loved. That I could hold his hand in public without feeling sick.
Most of all, I wished I’d never done this with him to begin with. Because if he felt even half as shitty as I did, that was too much. I didn’t know if he’d ever forgive me, or if I’d ever forgive myself, and the only comfort I had was that I’d ended things before they got too serious. It was the best I could do at this point.
***
I must have dozed off at some point, because I woke the next morning with a pounding headache and a text from Remy.
Remy: Spending the morning with Gramps and then bringing him back here so we can all go to the wedding together.
That was it.
I don’t know why I expected more out of him after what I did last night, but I couldn’t deny that I did. Which was stupid and made me hate myself even more.
I crawled out of bed, hunted down some ibuprofen and then spent an obscene amount of time in the hottest shower I’d ever taken in my life. It didn’t do much but redden my skin and use up all the hot water.
Bailey hired a make-up artist and hairdresser for her and the rest of the bridesmaids, but I preferred to do my own, so I spent the rest of the early afternoon getting ready. My hope was, if I could get my outsides to look great, I could mask how awful I felt on the inside.
When I heard a car pull into the lot out back, I knew Remy had arrived with Gramps. I checked the mirror one more time, smoothing out the wrinkles in my t-shirt and prepared myself to see the man I’d been trying to not think about all day.
The apartment door opened, and for the hundredth time, I missed having Charlotte greet each person with her loud bark.
I stepped out of my room and found Remy and Gramps in the kitchen. Remy’s eyes met mine across the room, but he quickly looked away. That hurt more than I thought it would.
“Belle! You look beautiful!”
I turned to Gramps and gave him the best smile I could manage along with an eye roll. Crossing the kitchen, I let him pull me into his arms and squeezed him back.
“Gramps, I’m in my pajamas.”
Since I was going to finish getting ready with Bailey and the other bridesmaids at the wedding venue, I hadn’t bothered to change. That didn’t seem to matter to Gramps though.
He waved my words away. “You’d look pretty in anything.”
My cheeks heated as I smiled at the old man. “Well, you clea
n up nice yourself.”
“Of course, I do. Where do you think this guy gets it from?” he asked, gesturing toward Remy.
I looked over to find his gaze on his shoes and my heart sank again.
“I’m gonna go get dressed,” he said to no one in particular before turning and disappearing behind his bedroom door.
Gramps huffed out a sigh and took a seat at the kitchen table. “Did my grandson do something stupid?”
I looked away from Remy’s door and met Gramps’ gaze with a frown. “What? No. Why would you think that?”
“He’s been moody all day and now I see something’s upsetting you too. I just figured he did something boneheaded that I’d have to apologize for.”
I did my best to smile at the old man and took a seat next to him. “Actually, it was me that did something stupid this time.”
His brown eyes widened. “You? I don’t believe it.”
I shrugged and looked down at my manicured nails as I traced patterns on the table. “Believe it.”
He was quiet for a long time while I did my best to ignore his penetrating gaze. Finally, he sighed and sat back in his chair. “Let me guess: Remy pushed too hard, and you took off running?”
My cheeks heated as I looked up at him wide-eyed. Shaking my head, I turned back to the table. I had a feeling I didn’t need to answer him.
“That’s what I thought,” he said with a sigh. “I told that kid to wait, but I guess he didn’t want to anymore.”
My heart thumped in my chest as his words swirled around my head. “You did?” I asked, my voice small.
“Yep. Sure did. But both my grandsons are hardheaded. Barely listen to a thing I say.”
My lips twitched with a small grin that faded almost immediately. “I wish he hadn’t bothered,” I admitted.
“Hadn’t bothered with you?”
I nodded, my eyes still on the table.
Gramps chuckled. “That wasn’t gonna happen, sweetheart. That boy was smitten from the start.”
My heart only beat harder at hearing those words from Remy’s grandfather. How often had they talked about me?
Beyond Beautiful (Love in Providence Book 2) Page 31