by Renee George
“So, why can we talk?” Ruth asked.
DeeDee shook her head. “That’s above my pay grade.”
Kurt grumbled something.
“What did you say?”
“I said maybe we could ask Bermangoggleshitz.”
I’d heard that name the night before. “Three cats we ran into last night said something about him. Who is this guy?”
“He’s an evil warlock with giant horns and smells like the town’s lagoon,” Wanda said. “Not a nice person, and I vote we don’t ask him anything.” She gave her husband a pleading look. “Do it for Little Bo. We don’t want to expose our son to Bermangoggleshitz if we can help it.”
“He’s Sassy’s father, and he’s promised to try to be less evil. Besides, he’s our only magical option right now. Unless you want to be the one to call Zelda.”
“No,” Wanda answered quickly. “Bermangoggleshitz is the right choice.”
Kurt looked at me. “Zelda threatened to neuter and spay all of us if we bothered her and Mac on their family vacation.”
His sober expression and Wanda’s nervous eye tick told me they believed this Zelda would make good on her promise.
I didn’t believe evil warlocks with horns and stuff existed, but until three years ago, I hadn’t believed therianthropes existed either. However, if he did exist, I was happy to never meet him. “I vote we only involve the evil dude as a last result.”
Chapter Six
“The statue is missing!” Bob, the stout man we’d met on the town square the night before, shouted. “It’s gone!” His thick round face was red in color and beaded with sweat. He was followed by Roger the therapist, and the four chipmunks, who were in their chipmunk bodies, and the three talking cats.
“Oh, dear,” Wanda said.
Kurt had a more colorful vocabulary. “This shit shouldn’t be fucking happening.”
I think the stress of being temporary king was getting to him. “The bear with the missing face?”
“Yes,” Roger exclaimed. “That one. What are we going to do? I need my nads.” Absently, he put his hands over his groin.
I’d seen the statue in my vision, which meant, I could probably see it again but did I really want to get involved? Kurt and Wanda’s worried expressions made my mind up for me. “I’m a psychic,” I said.
Fat Bastard, Jango Fett, and Boba Fett laughed and pointed fingers at me.
“Sure, sweetheart,” Fat Bastard said. “And I’m Frank Sinatra.”
“Does anyone have the number for the pound?”
Jango Fett snickered. “Your parents did a lot of drugs, didn’t they...Ambrosia Sunshine.” He drew out my name like it was a revelation. However, he wasn’t wrong.
I shrugged. My parents lived like hippies, including all the psychedelics and such.
Chavvah, who’d outed my name to the town the night before, postured, her hackles raising up on her ginormous neck. She growled. “Cool it, tabbies.”
“We’re not afraid of you, sweet cheeks,” Fat Bastard said. “When your witch is the next in line to be the leader of all the witches, you don’t have to be scared of nothin’. She’ll fry your ass once we tell her you threatened us.”
“It’s hard to tell on someone when you don’t have a head,” Chav countered.
This was escalating quickly. “Ooookay. Let’s all take a breath here. Chav, I can defend myself. I don’t need you eating everyone who laughs at me. Hell, you’d have to eat ninety percent of the people we know, and if you did that, you’d never be able to fit into that beautiful wedding dress we bought over in Lake Ozarks.” I wrinkled my brow. “Hey, how come I can remember Lake Ozarks, but I can’t remember...nope, still can’t remember. Son of a biscuit eater.”
“Such a mouth.” Jango Fett snorted. “So tough.”
“I can cuss like a sailor, fur-face, but I’m a momma now, and I’m trying to be better for my kids.” My eyes welled with tears as the cherub faces of Jude and Dawn popped into my head. I had to find a way to get back to my family. I had to find a way for all of us. “Look. I know you all are afraid of this Zelda woman, so you might as well let me help. I’m either who I say I am, a psychic, and in that case, you might get a lead on your missing mutilated bear. Or,” I said, “I’m a lunatic, but either way, you have nothing to lose.”
“Except their nuts,” Willy said.
I giggled. Because, well, you know. Funny.
****
Bob hadn’t been exaggerating. The statue was gone. There wasn’t even a crumb lying around. Whoever took it managed to take the base as well.
“That thing had to weigh at least a ton,” Willy said.
Chavvah sniffed the area. “There are too many different scents to discern anyone in particular. Peculiarly, though, I don’t smell any residue from the fire.”
Ruth stood a few feet away and scanned the area. Ruth didn’t have the nose of a wolf or Willy’s background in law enforcement, but she was excellent at reading folks. Ruth could nail down someone’s character with minimal information.
Half the town had come out of their homes now, all of them chattering excitedly about their missing monument. Chav gave me a nudge. “You’re up.”
“Awesome.” I stepped into the empty space.
DeeDee, Wanda, and Kurt watched with rapt interest. Bob and Roger kept adjusting their junk every few seconds. Sheesh, I couldn’t imagine just how powerful someone would have to be to scare the bejeezus out of a town full of Shifters, and I certainly didn’t want to find out first hand. I hoped like hell we got out of this town before she came back from her vacation.
I knelt where the statue had been standing the night before. I placed my palms on the ground and tilted my head back. In my vision, I’d been in this same position. I remembered the feeling of elation that came with freedom and power.
“Anything,” Chav asked.
“Nope. Nothing yet.” Damn it. My ability tended to pick the worst times to go on the blink. “I think I need to touch someone from town. Someone who has been in contact with statue recently.” I looked over at Wanda, DeeDee, and Kurt. They had all been there last night trying to put out the fire.
DeeDee shook her head. “I don’t think I’d be much help.”
“I climbed it last night after everyone left to make sure it was okay when the fire went out,” Chad the chipmunk said, once again bare-assed naked, his short and curlies blowing in the morning breeze. I hadn’t seen him change into his man body.
I nodded to him. “Can you join me in the circle?”
“Don’tdoitChadwhatifshestrickingyoulikeBermangoggleshitzdidyouknowmommysaysnottotruststrangers!” the one named Chunk rambled out in one breath.
Kurt walked over to Chunk and grasped the chipmunk’s shoulder in a reassuring way. “I’ll vouch for Sunny. If something goes wrong, Sassy can blame me.”
“Idon’twanthertoscrambleyourbrains,” Chunk wheezed.
“Me either,” said Kurt. “That’s how you know that Sunny is okay. Otherwise, I wouldn’t take the chance.”
Okay, apparently, the chipmunk’s mommy was one scary bi-otch, too. I held out my hand to Chad while averting my eyes away from his junk. He hesitated with a brief look over to his brothers, then reached out and took mine into his.
My face tingled, and my peripheral vision dimmed.
Fuuuuuuuuck! I push my hand out, and once again, I feel the fabric of space ripping. I can’t leave this place. The original spell won’t let me. I can only go about a mile outside of town before I feel the other place trying to pull me back. I’m trapped like a rat on a sinking ship of fucking rats in a rat-infested sea of rat shit. Why is this happening? My powers are back, but I’m no freer than I’d been before.
I pop myself back to town. I am once again staring up at that goddess-damned bear. Ahhhhh!
I want to blow the fucker up with all my might, and BOOM! My magic explodes out of me, flames consuming the freaking thing. Cement shouldn’t burn, but that sucker looks like a vampire meeting a
match. I hit it again, hoping to blow out the fire, but instead, I ignite it higher.
Shit shit shit! I have to hide. Blend in until I can find a way to siphon more power. I don’t want to have to kill anyone, but I will if it means I can finally be free. I just need to stay hidden until I’m ready. If Hildy finds out I’m back in town, I’m toast.
I gasp and inhale as I let go of Chad’s hand. “Someone is in your town. Someone dangerous. She’s hiding. I don’t know where, but she’s dangerous as all get out. And she’s worried about someone named Hildy.”
Wanda shook her head. “That’s impossible.”
“I know what I know,” I said, trying to shake the memory of volatile magic coursing through my veins.
“And I know,” Wanda said with force. “Hildy is dead.”
Chapter Seven
“So, tell me again about what you saw in your vision,” Wanda said, handing me a cup of coffee. She and DeeDee had taken us to their diner. Half the town filled the other tables in the place. DeeDee had been right. The inside was way more impressive than the outside.
“You are an angel,” I told Wanda. “An absolute goddess.”
She smiled. “Don’t let the goddess hear you say that. She doesn’t like competition.”
“I think that fortune teller must have been a witch. From the way you describe them, it has to be her.”
“Why does her name seem so familiar?” Willy said. “I thought it last night, but I can’t quite put my claw on it.”
“Har har,” I said. “Jane Tennison sounds like a pretty ordinary name to me.”
DeeDee brought burnt toast and hard scrambled eggs to the table.
“Uhm, thanks.” Maybe the people around here liked food cooked badly.
“I’m sorry,” DeeDee said. “I’m having an off day.”
“No kidding.” Wanda gave her friend a sympathetic look and took the plates back from us. “I’ll fix you guys a proper meal.”
Roger the Therapist, who sat at the table next to us, leaned over. “Tell us about where you’re from.”
“It’s a sweet little town. Everyone there is a therianthrope, aside from me, of course. It’s in a beautiful out of the way area in the Ozarks. Only one way in and one way out.” I frowned. “I don’t know why I can remember everything but the name.”
“It sounds nice,” Bob said. “Do you all have any community theater?”
“We do,” I told him. “I just directed Hamlet at our first annual Shakespeare night. We had to postpone it for a couple of months after the actress playing Hamlet’s mom was killed, mostly because she was the one paying for everything, but we finally got it done.”
“You’re a director?” Bob asked. “I’m a writer. I write all the play for our community theater. We should really talk about—”
The front door flew open. “Where is she?” a voice with a heavy British accent boomed. “Where is Helen Mirren?”
“The actress?” Ruth asked.
“No!” The voice, it turned out, was attached to a small white cat with great big ears. “Helen Mirren, the witch. My witch to be exact. She’s been missing for fifty years, but last night I felt her return.”
I looked around to see if anyone was less confused than I was, but nope, it seemed befuddlement was on the menu, and everyone had ordered a slice.
“My God,” Willy exclaimed. “That’s it. Jane Tennison.”
“I don’t get it.”
“Brady loves watching PBS.”
I raised a brow.
The bobcat quirked her head. “It’s his thing. Don’t knock it. Anyways, he loves Masterpiece Mysteries, and one of the regular shows is Prime Suspect.”
I wasn’t less confused. Not at all. “I still don’t get it.”
“DCI Jane Tennison,” Willy said. “That’s the main character, and she’s played by...” when no one answered, Willy rolled her eyes. “Helen Mirren.”
“Oh.” I still didn’t get where she was going with it. Unless... “Are you saying that the witch, not the actress, Helen Mirren was masquerading as the fortune teller Jane Tennison?”
“Yes,” Willy said. “Although it sounded less crazy in my head.”
“Well, crazy seems to be the soup de jour.” I looked at the cat. “Hey, Big Ears, tell us about Helen the witch and why you think she’s in Assjacket.”
“Firstly, my name is Reginald, not Big Ears, and secondly, if you had any sort of decent education, you’d know I was a Devon Rex, a rare breed of familiar, highly sought after by witches everywhere.”
“So much so, your own witch ditched you,” Willy said.
Reginald hissed at Willy. She hissed back, and since she was bigger and scarier, he backed down first. “Just tell me where she is.”
I looked around the room. “Anyone know a witch named Helen?”
A large woman with black hair and beautiful green eyes stood up. “I remember Helen Mirren.” She shivered and rubbed her arms. “Those were dark days, dark, dark days.”
“I remember her, too,” a man said. “She was a friend of Hildy, the previous Shifter Wanker.”
“She was no friend to Hildy,” DeeDee said.
“You didn’t even know Hildy,” Wanda said. “Why are you acting so strange?”
“I don’t know,” DeeDee said. “Ever since these strangers have arrived, I haven’t felt like myself.”
Wanda shoulder hugged the deer Shifter. “It’s probably a byproduct of the witch’s magic. Whatever she did that brought poor Sunny and her friends to our town is probably messing with you as well. You’ve always been sensitive.”
“That’s most likely the case,” DeeDee said.
The large woman approached us. “I’m Lena. I remember Helen. She’d come to town to learn healing magic from Hildy. Problem was, even though she’d been born a healer witch, she didn’t have a talent for it. My cousin Chuck, who has moved on his Next Adventure,” when I gave her a confused look, she said, “he died.”
“Oh, sorry for your loss.”
Lena gave me a tight-lipped smiled. “Thank you. Anyways, Chuck told me that Helen was envious of Hildy. She even tried to kiss him to make Hildy jealous.”
A gasp rang out in the diner. I guess the kiss-stealing moment had been a well-kept secret.
“Did it work?”
“Nope. And that’s when things got really bad. Helen tried to take Hildy’s power with a dark spell.”
“Oooooo,” the townsfolk said in unison.
I noticed they’d all turned toward Lena and were held rapt by her story.
“So, what happened then?” I asked.
“Well, Hildy reported the incident to Baba Yaga, of course, but before she could collect Helen and haul her butt off to Witch Jail in Salem, Helen disappeared.” She held up her hands and wiggled her fingers. “Poof. Gone. Not even Baba Yaga’s best trackers could find her, and believe me, when Baba Yaga wants you found you get found. I always assumed she died as a result of a spell gone wrong.”
“She’s not dead,” Reginald said. “Although, you’re right about her disappearing. For the last three and a half decades, it has felt as if my mistress never existed, then last night, my whole body tingled with our connection.” His expression soured. “One minute I was sipping a Pina Colada on a beach in Bora Bora, and the next thing you know, I was summoned. How I ended back in this cesspool of a town is beyond my comprehension.”
“What does your witch look like?”
“She’ll have red hair,” Wanda said. “All the healer witches are born with red hair.”
“Helen’s is more strawberry-blonde,” Reginald corrected.
“Probably why she sucked,” Willy, who was a true red-head, said.
At some point, Jango Fett must have left, because he busted into the diner with as much theatrical drama as Reginald. “The wrap around porch at Zelda’s house,” he shouted. “It’s disappeared. Gone. Vanished. As in, it doesn’t fucking exist!”
The entire diner of people groaned. Several men clut
ched their jewels, and the women pressed their ovaries.
I met Wanda’s worried gaze. “Would you like me to take a look at this missing porch. See if I can get another vision?”
“Yes, please.”
Chapter Eight
The white Victorian looked positively naked as a big brown area of dirt surrounded the house like a moat. Just outside the moat was a yard full of colorful wildflowers that, in different circumstances, would have made the place quite beautiful.
Chav managed a whistle. “That’s messed up.”
“You’re telling me.” Exposed nails and missing siding outlined where the roof to the porch had been. Cinder blocks lined the base of the house. “Is it like this all the way around the entire place?”
“Yeah,” Jango said. “I’d gone home for a, well, you know, nature called. I walked into the house. It was fine. I walked out, and it was no longer fine. Zelda is going to run me over with her car.”
“She wouldn’t do that,” I said reassuringly.
“She ran over her own father,” Jango cried out. “Of course, she would do it!”
Wanda clucked her tongue. “In Zelda’s defense, she hadn’t meant to run him over, and she paid the cost. She had to spend six months in Witch Jail.”
“Yikes.” This Zelda sounded like a real character. We needed to figure out what was going on ASAP, so we could get the heck out of Dodge before the sheriff got home. “I should get started.” I stared down at Jango. The calico let out a low rumble of despair. “You,” I said. “You were the last one to touch the porch, so it might be helpful if I could touch you while I try to get a vision.”
“Ooooh, Jango,” Boba Fett said. “She’s hot for you. Sunny wants to tickle your whiskers.”
“Keep it up, and I’ll walk away. Then you can explain to your Shifter Wanker why she no longer has part of her house.”
“Let the broad get on with her work, boys,” Fat Bastard said.
Jango jumped into my arms, and I had to scramble not to drop him. “You have to weigh fifty pounds,” I told him.
He smiled, flashing his little pointy teeth. “Yeah, I’m the skinny one. Lucky you.”