by Reed, Zoe
After pulling on my pajamas I lay down on the bed and buried my face in the pillows and sheets, inhaling as deeply as I could. Camille’s scent was long gone from the covers, but it didn’t stop me from trying. With a gloomy sigh I grabbed the extra pillow and set it beside me, wrapping my arm around it and trying to trick myself into believing there was a warm body with me. That Camille was there with me.
During the day, with all the distractions and people around, I could push the memories out of my mind. But in the dark I relived the nightmare of when Luna and I had been kidnapped, the night that ruined everything. Even after I’d fall asleep the demons would find me. A couple times right after the event Luna or Camille had come into the room, disturbed from sleep by my yelling or knocking things off the bedside table. The severity and frequency of the terrors lessened every day, but if it wasn’t those that kept me up, it was Camille.
The first couple weeks as her scent faded from the bed, it got harder and harder to fall asleep, and now that it was gone it was almost impossible. I could no longer fool myself into believing I wasn’t alone. Adjusting to being a werewolf wasn’t easy, and even though I had enthusiastic help, I was completely and utterly alone. Luna was the only member of the Zade family who wasn’t at all tense around me because of what happened with Camille. The others tried not to let it show since I didn’t really have a choice in the matter, but I could feel it, there was soreness toward me for hurting her. The only time I felt like I might actually belong in this world was on a run, which was strange to me seeing as it was the wolf’s fault I was in this situation in the first place.
Eventually I managed to drift off, and woke the next morning with the pillow in the same place under my arm. I could hear Camille’s parents downstairs, talking in the kitchen, and the savory scent of bacon wafted up to me. The only thing that got me to slide out of bed and make my way down the stairs was the promise of food; otherwise I would have been too tired to move. When I got to the kitchen, an equally pleasing smell rivaled the aroma of bacon – coffee. I grinned as I grabbed a cup and sat down at the table.
“Good morning, Kyla,” Camille’s mom greeted me while Camille’s dad smiled his hello.
“Morning, Rachel. Good morning, Adrian.” I took a sip of my coffee and then pushed it forward so I could lay my head on the wooden surface under my cup.
Adrian sat down across from me, propping his head up with his arm. “Didn’t sleep too well?” Lifting my head, I shook it, and he nodded in understanding. “Me either. Are you and Camille working more today on controlling your Changes?”
“Yeah, I think so,” I affirmed, taking another sip of coffee. “It’s just so hard, and she’s being so patient.”
Rachel set a plate in front of both Adrian and I, and then scooped mounds of bacon and eggs onto each. “From what Luna describes, you’re adjusting very well. Don’t be too hard on yourself.”
I smiled my thanks and began to shovel down food. I had my dish nearly cleaned when Luna and Camille walked in and sat on either side of me, both of their groggy eyes only half open. I sat there silently while they ate, eyes darting from Camille to anywhere else in the room.
“I can’t wait until you can go home and come back to school.” Luna paused from eating just long enough to look up at me. “Math sucks without you.”
“You’re still bringing me homework,” I reminded her sourly. “It’s like I haven’t missed a day.”
Niko walked in then, and ruffled my hair before grabbing a plate and saying good morning.
“Morning Niko,” I greeted him, smoothing my hair back into place.
“Don’t bother.” He came to sit down at the table and ruffled my hair again. “You’ve got bed head anyway.”
I gave him a light-hearted glare while he started to scarf down his food, and fixed my hair regardless. Niko had always been somewhat wary of me, but since I’d been Changed and living at their house he’d become more comfortable with me, and now he treated me like he did Camille and Luna. Sometimes, usually when Camille was around, he toned down the playfulness our relationship had gained. I’d even caught her scowling at him for it a couple times. It seemed this morning, however, he was in too good a mood to care.
I laid my head back down on the table until I had to lift it to say goodbye as everyone left for school, after which I laid it back down for another five minutes. The house grew strangely quiet while no one was there. Of course Adrian worked from home, and Rachel didn’t work at all, but they were off doing their own thing, and I was left in the kitchen with the penetrating silence. Sighing, I pulled myself off the table and back up the stairs to Camille’s room. I threw open my math book and started on the homework Luna had brought home for me last week. I wasn’t even sure if my teachers would accept the work when I eventually went back, but at least I was learning, and wouldn’t be too far behind when I did.
Writing down the first problem, I read the directions. Solve the complex equation. I set up the equation by carefully reading the directions in the textbook, and then stared at it, confused. ‘i’ is the square root of negative 1? I thought there was no such thing. I read the example from the book, and copied the steps to solve the problem before checking the answer in the back. Wrong. I huffed as I erased my work, and read the directions again before starting over. Again I solved the equation and checked the back of the book. Still wrong.
I growled at my book and shut it, frustrated and not in the mood to feel like a failure today. I needed to be back in class, back with my family, back with Camille. Everything was mixed up and today was already going badly. Typical Monday. The itching started in my fingers while my frustration grew, so I stood up from the desk and took a deep breath, shaking my hand to try and rid it of the feeling. It took a minute, but after a few tapering inhales the itching subsided, and I grinned triumphantly. I’d stopped the Change. But my grin faded as I remembered it wasn’t the first time, and I’d only been slightly upset. I couldn’t really stop a Change.
With a groan of defeat I turned on the radio and lay down on the bed. The strumming of the guitar made me miss my own instrument. I hadn’t been able to go to my house and get it because it was too risky, so during the hardest period of my life I’d been without my favorite and most relaxing hobby. Nor had I been able to go anywhere public for the past two months. Or talk to anyone about my problems. It was mostly Camille I needed to talk about, but I especially couldn’t confide in any one of her family members.
The prickling started to return as a heavy bit of cabin fever made me grow restless. Standing up again, I slammed my hand down on the ‘off’ button of the radio. I couldn’t do a damned thing without getting that aggravating itch. I stomped irately down the stairs and out the front door. I needed some fresh air.
“Hey, Kyla.” Adrian looked up from under the hood of his SUV, and waved when he saw me come out.
I couldn’t help but smile at the sight of his dirt-streaked face, and I was relieved when it abated the tingling. Dirty really didn’t suit him. “What are you doing?”
“This hunk of junk won’t run, and I’m trying to figure out why.” He turned to lean against the front while I poked a curious head over the engine.
“I didn’t know you knew anything about cars,” I said as I mindlessly reached out to wiggle a random hose, lured by the idea of a distraction.
“I don’t,” he admitted, laughing embarrassedly. “Well, not much anyway, but I got this manual and I figured now’s a good time to learn.” He raised the thick book about cars in his hands, and then held it out to me. “Want to help?”
I nodded, grateful for something to do, and took the book to read some instructions. “It won’t start?” Adrian shook his head. I ‘hm-ed’ and flipped through the pages. “Does it want to start?”
He leaned his elbows casually over the edge of the open front end, still looking like he was trying to figure it out. “Yeah, it tries to start, but won’t.”
“So it’s not the battery,” I read aloud w
hile skimming through to the next page.
Adrian moved to glance over my shoulder. “Where on earth did you read that?”
“There,” I flipped back and pointed, giggling at his shock. “And you have gas in it right?”
“Yes, there’s gas in it,” he chuckled sarcastically.
I continued to scan the pages. Fuel pump. That sounds important. I read the next section and then showed Adrian the page. “Sound familiar?”
“The fuel pump, huh?” he asked, looking over the engine of the car. “Where’s that at?”
Shifting to the back of the book, I looked over a diagram of a similar SUV, staring hard until I saw it. “Oh.” I stood over the vehicle and searched around before pointing to the part. “That’s it, right there.”
He squinted, pulling himself farther over the edge. “That little thing?” he asked, motioning to it.
I shrugged obscurely, “Looks like it.”
Shaking his head in disbelief, Adrian shut the hood. “Whatever you say, chief. I’ll have to wait for Niko to get home so I can take his jeep and pick up a new one.” I nodded my understanding and handed him back the manual. “How’s your homework going?”
My face twisted with disgust. “It’s hard. I was going to wait for Luna to get home and help me.”
“Cars may not be my thing, but math I can do,” he laughed, and waved for me to follow him back into the house. “Why don’t you bring it down and I’ll see if I can help.”
Smiling my thanks, I ran up the stairs to grab my homework, and then met Adrian at the kitchen table. He helped me for hours until everyone finally returned home from school, and studying with him made me realize where Camille got her patience. I grew frustrated and had wanted to give up multiple times, but Adrian sat calmly and explained it to me until I understood it. I had only a few problems left of the whole week’s assignment when Camille and Luna walked into the kitchen. I waited for them both to get something to eat before asking if it was time for my control practice. Camille nodded, and I followed her to the backyard. While I stood facing her, Luna sat and leaned against the house. Over the past months while Camille had been helping me, Luna watched carefully and acted only when she was needed – usually when I lost my temper.
“How do you want to do it today?” Camille asked, shoving her hands in her pockets and scanning the ground while she waited for me to answer. She rarely even looked me in the eyes when she was talking to me.
“I don’t know.” I thought about it. “I guess I’ll start to Change and then try to stop it?”
“Okay,” she said, absentmindedly kicking at the gravel beneath her feet. After a few seconds she added, “Can you do it with distractions?”
I had already started building the itching in my fingers and toes. Confused, I widened my curious eyes at her. “Distractions?”
“Yeah. It’s not always going to be nice and peaceful like this when you need to stop a Change.” She started walking in deliberate circles around me.
“Okay. What kind of distractions?” The sensation spread to my limbs, and I could feel it getting nearer to my core.
“Let me know when you’re on the edge.” She continued her circles, ignoring me all except for the fact that she was maneuvering around me.
“I am.” The itching turned to tingling, and I clenched my fists to try and slow it. Camille moved to stand right in front of me, and without warning slapped me hard across the cheek. I couldn’t help but laugh at how startled I was by it. I should have expected it – it wasn’t the first time. “You really like slapping me, don’t you?”
“Why?” she asked, her dark brown eyes finally meeting my own. Despite the teasing tone of her voice, I could see by the pain in her eyes that she really didn’t like it. “Does it make you mad?”
“Maybe a little,” I admitted, already wincing as I braced myself for another smack. It came seconds later.
Even though I was expecting it, trying to focus on stopping the Change and subside the slight rage that rose with each slap was hard to do. I couldn’t completely get rid of it, but I was at least getting it under control.
I stood stiff, hands clenched at my sides and waiting for another one when Camille moved behind me. She pressed on the back of my leg, causing my knee to buckle and me to crumble to the ground. I stood back up only to find her waiting for it. She pushed on my other leg, and it sent me falling back down. I growled in frustration, grimacing as the tingling became unbearable again.
“Come on, Kyla, you can stop it,” she encouraged, still waiting behind me. I stayed kneeling on the ground, trying to recover before I could get back up only to be knocked down again. Instead of waiting she strolled to my side and knelt with me. “You’re never going home if you can’t control it.”
I knew she was only saying it to get a rise out of me, to give me something to fight against, but it still made me furious. I turned my head to glare at her, and she only looked back with a blank apathy. I was about to stand back up when she pushed me sideways, all the way over, and stepped back. Tumbling to the ground I rolled, and sprang up snarling. I clenched my teeth. I was so close to Phasing that even the smallest thing would set me off. Taking slow, deep breaths, I tried to calm myself, fearing another outburst that might lead to stitches.
“Stop the Change, Kyla!” Camille commanded, purposefully yelling to try and distract me. Luna stood up, ready to intervene if needed.
A combination of the burning in my limbs and the frustration she was causing made my temper flare. I lost it. “I didn’t ask for this shit, Camille! Just give me a goddamned second!” The moment I shouted the words, I wished I hadn’t. Camille flinched and stared at the ground, clearly too hurt or shocked to try and hide it. The guilt did the trick. The tingling in my body rapidly subsided, but I didn’t care. I would have rather lost control than ever yell at her like that. Than ever make her think I didn’t want this. “I didn’t mean that.”
“You’re right, you didn’t ask for it.” She shook her head, glancing up to meet my eyes for a split second before looking away again. “I’ve forgotten how hard it is. You and Luna should run.” With that she turned and walked back into the house.
I stood there frozen, eyes darting from the door to Luna. Luna did the same, unsure of what to say. “Luna, I’m sorry. You know I don’t wish for one second that you hadn’t Changed me, right?”
“I know.” She shrugged nonchalantly, seemingly unmoved by my blow. “But I’m not the one you need to apologize to.”
I nodded in agreement and started toward the house. I found Camille in the kitchen, along with Niko and her mom, rummaging through a cupboard. When I walked in Niko looked at me, and Rachel avoided eye contact at all costs. I knew they’d heard me yell, and because they knew I came in to apologize they gradually cleared out to leave me alone with Camille.
“Cami?” I spoke softly, taking a couple steps forward into the kitchen. I saw her shoulders rise with a deep breath before she turned from the cupboard and took a seat at the table. I sat across from her, staring at the surface in shame. “I’m sorry.”
I looked up to her face and expected to see some anger, but there wasn’t the slightest bit of it, none whatsoever. Instead, she’d plastered on an expressionless appearance, skillfully hiding her emotions. If I didn’t know her so well I’d have missed the small amount of agony that managed to expose itself in her eyes. It had been obvious to me these past months that she felt guilty I was here. That she thought it was her fault I got dragged into this life.
“I didn’t mean to yell at you like that,” I told her sincerely. “I didn’t mean any of it, and I’m really sorry.”
She managed a small smile, almost as fake as the apathy on her face. “It’s okay. Don’t worry about it.”
“No, it’s not okay.” I wanted so badly to reach out and touch her hand, to show her how truly sorry I was. “I made it seem like I don’t want to be a werewolf, but that’s not true. I don’t regret that Luna Changed me.” Camille’s eyebrows
furrowed for a brief second before she dropped the seemingly confused expression. “It’s just, sometimes this isn’t as fun for me as it is for you.”
“I don’t like doing this to you, Kyla,” she said despairingly. “Hurting you isn’t fun for me,” and when she spoke that time, that’s when I could hear how she truly felt. The pain was heartbreaking, and no matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t keep from wounding her. “I don’t want you to fail. I want you to go home as much as you do.”
She wasn’t looking at me, but I still had to glance away so she wouldn’t see how much that stung. “That’s not what I meant,” I whispered disappointedly.
I knew I deserved that and more for the ways I’d been treating her, but she’d taken what I said the wrong way. I gave her a few seconds to think about how I really meant it. After that I knew she understood, because the corner of her mouth turned up apologetically. She didn’t say anything though, and it made me wonder if she’d meant what she said anyway. That she really did want me to go home so she wouldn’t have to see me so much. That thought hurt even more, but I decided to let it go. Maybe because I didn’t want to hear that pain in her voice anymore, or maybe because I just didn’t really want to know if it was true.
“If it’s any consolation,” I started, changing the subject back to my own apology. “Feeling guilty about yelling at you stopped the Change.”