by Reed, Zoe
A few minutes later the glimmer of a light blue car making its way through the lot made me stand, and when Victoria pulled up I jumped into the front seat. “Morning sunshine!” she beamed at me, speaking purposefully loud. My ears were ringing for seconds after she finished her greeting, and whining from the annoyance I waved her off. “Have a good night?” she asked, her tone sympathetically lower as she pulled the car away from the curb.
“Mhm.” I pulled the seatbelt across my chest and buckled it with a click. “Thanks for picking me up.”
“Drive-through coffee?” she suggested, to which I nodded as vigorously as my aching head would allow, letting her see my lips turn up into a wide grin. “Really, how was your night?”
“It was good,” I told her, and then knowing the look I was getting, laughed at her raised eyebrow. “No, I’m not giving you any details.”
“Fine,” she sighed, and after a moment glanced at me carefully. “You know, you should get a girlfriend.”
With that I shrugged. “What do I need a girlfriend for?”
Victoria mirrored my shrug as she took a moment to think. I could tell by the look on her face she was being careful what to say, but I also knew I didn’t like this conversation. Not now, and not the other hundred times we’d had it. But patient as I was, I was going to let her say her piece. “So you didn’t do this to yourself anymore.”
Okay, that line was new. The sincerity in her voice actually made my heart drop. I gulped. “What do you mean?”
“You know what I mean,” she said softly, timidly, as she shot me a side-glance, hoping I wouldn’t be mad. I wasn’t mad. I was thrown, and I’d admit it a little bit offended. I could have easily guessed she didn’t entirely approve of my methods of seduction, but she’d never actually said it before. “Your parents were wrong-”
Now I waved my hands in the air, stopping her midsentence. “Please, Vic, don’t practice any of your psychology stuff on me right now. I’m hung-over, I’m tired, and I’m really not in the mood to talk about my mommy and daddy issues.” Even though my waving was frantic, my voice was verging on pleading.
“It’s not practicing when I know what I’m talking about,” she tried to jest, but I refused to give her the satisfaction of seeing the slight smirk that tugged at the corner of my mouth. “I know.” She finally nodded, and out of the corner of my eye I could see her chest rise and fall in another sigh. “I just worry about you sometimes. You’re so,” she paused for a thoughtful breath, “Emotionally unavailable.”
That phrase was grating. It hit my ears like nails on a chalkboard, and they just kept biting that chalkboard over and over again. Anger was rarely a choice emotion for me, but I came damn close. Victoria must have been able to tell, because she gave the cutest, most sheepish smile she could. “I’m sorry. I love you.” Then she batted her eyes at me, just like she always did when she wanted something. “Don’t kill me.”
“I’m not emotionally unavailable,” I grumbled, crossing my arms over my chest defensively.
I wasn’t planning on giving a response other than that, since I really didn’t want to talk about it, and luckily I didn’t have to, because Victoria pulled into the coffee shop drive-through. When she got to the intercom she rolled down her window and waited for the employee’s voice to come through.
“Hi, could I get two small coffees, and,” she paused and looked over at me, trying to judge if I could stomach food.
“Carbs,” I told her as I eyed the menu. “Lots of carbs.”
She laughed and turned back toward the intercom. “And two bagels with cream cheese.”
As she pulled around to the window I grabbed my wallet out of my back pocket and handed her my debit card to pay. She looked like she was going to protest, so I shoved it into her hand. “For picking me up.” At that she shrugged and took the card, handed it the cashier, and then received our items. “How was your night?” She handed me the food and my coffee, and I took out her bagel to begin spreading cream cheese on it.
“It was fine,” she answered, eyes growing increasingly hungry as she watched me prepare her food. Finally I handed it to her and she took a big bite.
“What time did you guys leave?” Now it was time to spread cream cheese on my bagel, and I scraped out every last bit possible.
Victoria gulped down what must’ve been half of her food as I took my first bite. “Right around the time you left with…”
“Kristen,” I supplied through a full mouth, and then washed down the bite with some coffee, wincing as it scalded my tongue. “When are you going to get me some cheap hockey gear?”
“I like how the only time I can get you to come to the rink I work at is so you can get discounted stuff.” She laughed when I shrugged, unable to come up with a good excuse. “How about Friday?”
A familiar apartment track came into view as Victoria rounded the corner and pulled up to the sidewalk near the closest building. When she stopped, I jumped out of the car and turned around to lean against the doorframe. “Okay, Friday. Thanks for the ride.”
She nodded and waved. “See you on campus tomorrow.”
I trudged to my sister’s apartment, which was on the first floor of this building, and dug through my pocket for my keys. The front door opened up to the living room, which was only half-separated from the kitchen by a tall, long counter. On the left side of the main room a TV sat on an entertainment center against the wall, and a coffee table and black leather sofa rested in front of it. At the right side of the living room was the hallway that led to the bathroom and two bedrooms.
When I walked in, my twenty-six year old sister’s light head of dirty-blonde hair popped up from looking at something in the kitchen, and her blue eyes locked onto me as I strolled to the dining table. “Where have you been?” she asked shortly. “You could text me if you’re spending the night out so I don’t worry.”
“Sorry,” I mumbled, plopping into a chair and sipping my still hot coffee.
“I don’t care if you are twenty-one-”
“Two, Jamie,” I interrupted with a chuckle. “I’m twenty-two.”
She sighed like that was beside the point. Which to her, it really was. “I don’t care if you’re twenty-two-”
“Honey?” a deep, sleep-bogged voice filtered from the hall, interrupting her again. “Where’d you go?”
“I’m in the kitchen,” she called, glancing at me as her face turned crimson.
I raised my eyebrows at her, gawking in offense. “Don’t act like you missed me last night,” I teased, laughing now as the shade of her cheeks darkened.
The male voice, belonging to Cameron, was more than familiar. Jamie and him had dated for three years before he finally popped the question a couple months ago. I was a little bit surprised to find he’d spent the night, since sleepovers were usually held at his apartment. That was because despite the fact that I wasn’t a kid anymore, it seemed Jamie still felt the need to protect me, even from knowing that her and her fiancé did the dirty, hence the blush.
Jamie ignored my comment and looked me up and down. “Did you play hockey yesterday?” I nodded, and her mouth pursed in disgust. “Did you even shower yet?” A mischievous grin spread across my face, and shaking my head I widened my arms, preparing for a hug. “Don’t even think about it,” she warned, slowly starting to back away. I stood up from my seat, arms still stretched wide, and inched closer. “Jordan, don’t you dare.” Luckily, I was blocking the only way out of the kitchen and she was trapped. I rushed forward to wrap my arms around her and, even though she’s a couple inches taller than me, picked her up and squeezed her. “Jordan!” she shrieked, desperately fighting against me and trying to wriggle out of my grasp.
“What is going on out here?” Cameron staggered out of the hallway, short brown hair going every direction and rubbing his half-closed gray eyes. All he had on was a pair of sweatpants and socks, and he rested his bare arms on the kitchen counter, smiling when he saw the assault on Jamie. “Oh, hey,
Jordan.”
I grinned at him and, deciding that my sister had had enough torture, released her from the hug. “You smell like sweat and booze,” she grumbled angrily, straightening up and flattening out her t-shirt and pants with a disgusted look on her face, before turning her gaze on Cameron. “Babe, go put a shirt on.”
He sighed and slowly pulled his arms off the counter. “I don’t mind!” I told Jamie, laughing as her face once again turned red, this time because of her half-naked beau. “Cameron’s my inspiration to stay in shape.”
“Hey, thanks, J.” He grinned his appreciation but turned back toward the bedroom anyway, flexing as he made his way down the hall. Cameron had been a swimmer in high school, but loved it so much he continued to swim every morning, which gave him his lean, muscular figure. I’d decided years ago that if I were a guy, I’d want to look like him.
When Cameron disappeared, Jamie turned her eyes back on me, waiting for me to do something. I knew she was watching me, but instead of making eye contact I glanced around the room. My gaze hit the coffee table in front of the couch, and curious, I made my way over. It was littered with pictures, ninety-five percent being of a small blond toddler, with enormous blue eyes and barely a full set of teeth, smiling happily at the camera. As I sunk into the couch I grabbed one of the pictures, running my fingers lightly over the child’s face while Jamie sat down next to me.
“I’m sorry,” she apologized, hand resting gently on my back. “I was going to clean up last night, but-”
“No,” I stopped her and set the picture down to pick up another one. “I want to see them. Please, don’t ever hide them from me.” I stared at the new picture I held in my hands, fighting the sting of a tear in my eye. “His hair is getting so long.”
The toddler in the pictures I only knew from photographs, usually just tiny ones in Jamie’s phone. I had come out to my parents the day after I turned eighteen, and had waited so long to do it because I could have predicted their reactions. I knew they’d be disappointed, and definitely angry, but I hadn’t prepared myself for being kicked out. Not even legal adulthood could have prepared me for the pain of being disowned by the only people life guarantees should always love you. Fortunately for me, Jamie had known about it for a long time, and since she was older she was already moved out, and welcomed me with open arms.
At the time I was kicked out, my mother was two months pregnant. It was hard hearing Jamie talk all the time about how round she was getting and about all the possible baby names. Just like Jamie would get to, I wanted nothing more than to see him, to watch him grow up and spoil him with toys and hugs. So when our little brother, Justin, was born, I assumed seven months of no contact had been long enough for my parents to get over the fact that I was gay. Only, I was wrong. When I’d tried to visit soon after his birth, they closed the door in my face, angrily telling me they didn’t want their son anywhere near a pervert. All I’d ever seen of Justin was photographs and the occasional home video. For the last four years I’d had to watch him grow through pictures.
“He’s starting preschool tomorrow.” Jamie smiled, picking up another picture and studying it fondly. “He’s so excited.”
I laughed, having to cover my mouth with my hand as it nearly came out a sob, and quickly wiped away the tear that had forced its way out. “He doesn’t even know I exist.”
“Now, that’s not true,” Jamie said, and grinned proudly when I cast her a curious, watery-eyed look. “I make sure I mention you. Mom hates it when I do,” she paused to wrap her arm around my shoulders and pull me into a hug, “But I want him to know about his other big sister.”
I leaned into Jamie as another tear fell. “You’re the best.”
“When Mom cuts the chord enough to let me babysit,” Jamie started, rubbing my arm and then releasing me from the hug. “I’ll bring him around here so he can finally meet you.”
I nodded, albeit hesitantly. We both knew the only reason our mother didn’t let Jamie babysit was because she was aware I still lived with Jamie. Until she was sure that I wouldn’t be around, I could be pretty sure she’d never let Jamie take him for the day. With a deep, calming breath, I set the picture back on the table and stood. That was enough emotion for me for the day. “I guess I’ll go shower now.”
When I finally got in, the hot water on my body and the steam that filled the bathroom worked wonders on my head, and by the time I was done showering I felt completely rejuvenated. Though physically I felt better, emotionally, I couldn’t get Justin out of my head. When I stepped out of the shower and had wrapped the towel around me, I used my hand to wipe the condensation from the mirror. A full head of soaking blonde hair and dark blue eyes stared sadly back at me. Maybe Victoria was right... At the thought I shook my head. Even if it was true, I couldn’t agree. Acknowledging it meant admitting it, and admitting it meant having to do something about it.
I was just finishing up brushing my teeth when Jamie knocked on the door. “Hey, me and Cameron are leaving for church. We’ll be back later.”
Church? I flung the door open, startling Jamie and causing her to jump back. “Is it Sunday?” She nodded, not even able to finish the action before I flew past her, desperately holding the towel around me so the wind of my speed wouldn’t knock it off. “I was supposed to be at work at nine!”
I wasn’t even paying attention to if they had left or not as I rummaged through the dresser in my room, looking for my work uniform. I pulled out my purple bookstore shirt and threw it on, frantically getting ready as fast as I could. Of all the days I could have picked to be late for work, I had to pick a day that I didn’t even have a good excuse. It wasn’t just that my boss loved to make an example out of me whenever I messed up, but today my mood was not solid enough to deal with getting yelled at. Again.