Logan just stood there, his brow furrowed, unsure how to respond.
He remembered the day his parents asked if he was interested in joining their family. They were the first people who ever seemed to care for him beyond a desire to give him a safe place to sleep. He was thankful for that from the other foster families, of course. And from Paula. But Robert and Ingrid were interested in spending time with him and investing in him. To teach him things and watch him grow. When he realized that, he supposed he had upped his game a little bit. He wanted to show them what a good kid he could be and that he could give them something in return. That he could be the son they’d always wanted.
The process of formal adoption was long, and part of him was terrified they’d change their minds.
“I…” he started but wasn’t sure how to finish.
“Love isn’t earned, Logan. It’s freely given. We wanted you to be our son before you started doing those things. You already were. I thought as you got older and we hopefully showed you what unconditional love looked like, you’d see the truth in that. But I wonder if you’re doing the same thing you did back then, trying to earn her love with the things you can do for her instead of just for who you are.”
Was he?
Maybe in some ways he’d always done that a little bit. approached women in a way that demonstrated what he could offer. Which used to be mainly pleasure.
But with Jeni, he’d tried so hard to show her more than his body. To be more.
“Your past and the terrible people that neglected you when you were a child have nothing to do with who you are as a man. That coming and going mindset? It’s true. People will come and go in your life. Some stay and are meant to be there. Others move on, and they don’t deserve another second of your time. There are givers and takers, and you’re a giver through and through. You’ll give and give until there’s nothing left, and you deserve someone who fills you back up. Who helps you see, and believe, that there are pieces of you worth loving and worth keeping.”
Logan’s eyelids burned, and he blinked several times through blurred vision. His heart ached with how badly he wanted Jeni to be that person.
“Shit, Mom.” He sucked in a breath and held out one arm.
His mom’s chin trembled, and she lurched forward and hugged him. “I love you so much. I just wish you could see why.”
“I love you too, Mom.” She was so small in his arms. For a split second, he wondered where his birth mom’s head would land if he could hug her now, as a grown man. He immediately pushed the thought out of his mind.
This was his mother.
She pulled back and looked up at him. “And Logan?”
“Yeah?”
“Watch your language.”
* * *
Logan left his mom’s house shortly after that, with a lot more on his mind than when he arrived. He drove around in the dark for a while before finally pulling up Andrew’s text with Lauren’s address. He made a pit-stop before heading there and pulled up to the curb twenty minutes later. Jeni and Andrew’s cars were still there.
He grabbed the paper bag and walked to the door, knocking.
Lauren opened it, and music trickled through the doorway. “Hi! I’m so glad you came,” she said. Her big green eyes dropped to the bag in his hand. “What’d you bring?”
Logan grinned. “Just something for Andrew.”
“Well get in here then.”
The living room was right off the entry, and Logan immediately found Andrew on the couch. Jeni was nowhere to be seen.
Andrew stood and held out his hand. “Hey, man, you made it.”
Logan grabbed his hand and pulled him in for a loose hug, clapping him on the back. “It’s a big day.” He pulled back and shoved the brown bag at Andrew. “Got you something.”
“Yeah?” Andrew took it and sat down. “It’s heavy.”
Logan stood behind the couch to watch as Andrew carefully set the bag down at his feet and reached inside.
“Bourbon, a comb, licorice, and scissors? The bourbon’s awesome, but I’m not sure about the other three.”
Lauren joined Andrew on the couch and took the bottle of whisky, turning it over in her hands. “I like this bottle.”
“So did I,” Logan said. “The rest are all things you couldn’t use while you were on chemo, and soon you’ll need them again. Your hair will grow back, the smell of licorice won’t make you want to throw up, and you don’t have to worry about bleeding out if you accidentally cut yourself. You can get back to cutting out paper dolls or doilies or whatever you like to do in your spare time.”
Andrew and Lauren both laughed.
“That’s super weird but awesome at the same time. Thanks,” Andrew said.
“That’s so thoughtful,” came Jeni’s voice from behind him.
Logan turned and his heart leapt, lodging in his throat. She stood in the doorway, a few feet away, the picture of perfection. She wore a black tank top and fitted jeans, her bare feet shifting on the hardwood. Her long, silky, brown hair was down around her shoulders, and her glasses sat atop her freckled nose to frame her beautiful gold eyes.
She searched his face, lingering on his eyes. “Hi,” she said then smiled sadly and mouthed, “I miss you.”
“Hey,” he said, following up with a whispered, “Me too.” They seemed to miss each other often, which begged the question why they were apart so much.
“Come sit down, you two,” Andrew ordered.
With Lauren and Andrew on the couch, the only available places to sit were a loveseat and a comfortable-looking armchair. Logan chose the loveseat, expecting Jeni to take the chair.
Instead, she plopped down next to him, her thigh pressed against his.
He swallowed and glanced nervously at Andrew. Luckily, he was so focused on his new fiancée that he didn’t seem to notice.
“So how does it feel?” Logan asked.
“What, being cancer free?” Andrew replied. “Now I feel the same as the rest of you non-cancer patients, I guess.” Lauren elbowed him, and he grabbed her hand with a grin. “It feels fucking awesome.”
“You are fucking awesome,” Jeni countered. “That was a lot to go through and during law school, at that. I’m proud of you, old man.”
“I agree,” Lauren said. “But not about the old man part. I’m not marrying a senior citizen. Besides, I’m older than Andrew.”
“Barely,” Andrew scoffed.
She pursed her lips. “Still.”
Logan stiffened at the mention of marriage. Did Jeni notice? He was too afraid to look at her, especially right in front of her brother. His feelings would be written all over his face.
“So, any wedding details yet?” Jeni crossed her legs and swung her foot back and forth.
“Just that we want something small and relatively soon,” Lauren said, blushing. “We talked about June, right after Andrew graduates. We decided the wedding party and that’s about it. That reminds me—Logan? My friend, Emma, will be a bridesmaid. She’s single, and I think you’d really like her. I thought maybe we could introduce you two before the wedding.”
Jeni’s foot stopped moving.
Logan leaned forward and put his elbows on his knees. “Oh. Yeah, sure.”
Lauren smiled.
He felt Jeni’s stare on the back of his head like heated laser beams. Why had he agreed to that?
“Actually,” he said, his voice coming out too loud. “Sorry. But I, um, don’t think that’s necessary.”
Andrew cocked his head sideways. “Why? You seeing someone? Is it that girl you told me about on Valentine’s Day?”
What was Jeni thinking right now?
Andrew and Lauren both looked at him with blank expressions, waiting. What was he supposed to do now?
“Well, yeah.” He rubbed his palm across his thigh.
A firm hand pressed against his lower back. Jeni was either warning him to stop talking, or…he didn’t really know what else.
Too bad.
“We’re kind of just friends but sometimes a little more, and she’s incredible. She’s different from any woman I’ve ever met, and we share so many of the same interests it’s almost scary. She makes me mad and makes me laugh, and I honestly can’t picture my life without her. She believes in things with such passion and won’t move an inch in her opinions unless you prove her wrong, and then she’ll admit defeat and say she’s sorry. She’s so beautiful sometimes it’s hard to breathe when she’s around, and I’m ridiculously in love with her.”
Lauren and Andrew stared at him, Andrew’s jaw almost on the floor.
Jeni’s hand no longer touched him.
Logan cleared his throat in the silence. “So, thanks for thinking of me, Lauren, but I’m good.”
Jeni jumped to her feet. “I need some air.”
Logan leapt up and followed her, throwing a “Be right back,” over his shoulder.
She burst through the front door and onto the front porch. Logan joined her and shut the door behind them. Jeni’s hands went to her hips, and she took two steps down into the grass.
“Where are you going?” Logan asked from the porch.
She shook her head, walking in circles. “I can’t…I don’t…” She let out a frustrated growl. “Just—stop. Stop saying nice things and accepting me for who you think I am. Stop trying to make me love you!” she said brokenly, finally facing him with pained eyes. “Can’t you see it’s done? I tried to fight it, and it happened anyway. You made me love you, and now we’ll both be miserable for the rest of our lives.”
Logan stepped down to meet her, unable to enjoy that this was the first time she’d said she loved him. “Why? Why will that make us miserable?”
“B-because.” Her voice trembled.
Logan took her hand. He could see the love in her eyes, warring with frustration and fear.
He did the only thing he could and dropped to one knee before her.
She covered her mouth, pulling her hand away and backing up two steps, her head slowly moving side to side.
“Jeni,” he said softly, with a hint of desperation. “Marry me. Please.”
Her chest rose and fell with each breath. “You’re proposing?”
“Yes.”
“That wasn’t our deal.”
“I know.” He rested one hand on his bent knee. “I can’t help it. I want more from you. I want everything.”
Her voice was barely above a whisper. “Can’t we just keep things the way they are?”
“I don’t know if I can,” he said. He was crossing her line and forcing them to a breaking point, but he didn’t have a choice. “Not without knowing we’ll move forward one day. I want your full commitment. The promise of your every morning and every night, for the rest of our lives. We want so many of the same things out of life, and I want us to do them together.”
“It’s not that easy. Marriage isn’t that easy.”
“It doesn’t have to be easy for me to want it. To want you.”
She gripped her hands tightly in front of her. “It just won’t work. You don’t understand.”
“Help me then. I’m trying to understand, but I can’t with this wall between us.”
Jeni closed her eyes for a moment. “I built it for a reason.”
“You built it based on one bad experience. And I hate that you had to go through that, but I’m not Jackson.” Saying his name angered Logan every single time, and his voice rose in frustration. “We’re not the same. Stop punishing me for his sins. I’m a different man, and I deserve a chance. I deserve a commitment from the woman who loves me. I deserve your trust that I’d never choose anything else above you. You’re the most important thing to me.”
“I can’t.” She pressed her hands to her stomach. “You’ll hate me.”
“How could I hate the woman I want to spend every second of my life with? I want to marry you and have children with you. I want us to have a family and build a life together.”
Tears streamed down her face. “That’s exactly why you’ll hate me,” she said, her voice breaking. “I can’t give you children, and you’ll hate me for it.”
Logan stilled, his eyes widening. “What?”
She swiped at her cheeks. “After my car accident, there were complications from internal bleeding. They had to decide during surgery and did a full hysterectomy. I woke up to the news that I’ll never have children. Jackson knew that when we got married, and he promised me he didn’t care. That he never really wanted kids anyway. But after a few years, he started making comments like ‘look how happy that family is’ or ‘I wish I had a son to pass the farm down to someday.’ I know that’s one of the reasons he started to resent me, in addition to my resistance to farm life. He hated me for it in the end, and you will too. Eventually.”
Logan blinked, and his legs suddenly went numb. He went to both knees, stunned by the information.
She shook her head. “See? I knew it would be a dealbreaker. It always will be.”
Jeni walked around him, but he caught her hand and stood.
“Whoa, hang on. You can’t just leave. I’m surprised is all. You can’t drop something so significant on me and expect me to just move on right away. Just…” He scrubbed his other hand down his face. “Give me a second.”
She yanked her hand back and stepped onto the porch, reaching for the door. “I’m not going to stand here and watch as you realize I’m broken and can never make you a father. That I’m not enough for what you need and I can’t give you the life you want. I knew this would happen. I tried to stop it from the very start, but you wouldn’t listen. You wouldn’t stay away. My heart is already breaking. Just leave, Logan, and let it go.”
He stared at her, realization hitting him with a shock, like he’d taken a nosedive into ice-cold water.
“You don’t know me at all, do you?” His voice was nearly a whisper.
“What are you talking about?”
“You really think that I, of all people, don’t count a family as one that includes kids from foster care or adoption?” He grimaced with pain from the knowledge that she wouldn’t fight for him. For them. Not even a little. “That’s the kind of family I want more than anything. The only thing that’s brought me any healing is starting Fostering Sweet Dreams and hearing how much fun the kids have at football games. If you think being with you and spending our lives surrounded by kids in the system isn’t something I want, you’re gravely mistaken.”
Jeni simply stood there, her expression tight.
Unbelievable.
“I’m done,” he said. “I won’t try to convince you anymore. I’ve said everything I possibly could to show you that I want to be with you and only you. But apparently you don’t feel the same.”
His mom’s words were in the back of his mind. He had to stand up for what he wanted and what he needed.
“I’ve always had a hard time believing I’m enough. But I know I deserve better than this. I want a woman who would put me first, just like I would you. Like I have. I can see now you’re not that person. Like you said, you’ve made that very clear. I was just too blind to see it.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
After Logan left, Jeni swiped tears from her cheeks. She didn’t know what to do. He said he’d be okay with a family of foster and adopted children. But how could it be true? She believed he wanted to be a foster parent. But what man didn’t want to get his own wife pregnant and have a child with his own DNA? He might think he wouldn’t care now, but one day, he would.
She walked back into Lauren’s house, intending to grab her purse and get the hell out of there. But when she closed the door, she turned and smacked right into Andrew’s chest.
“What the hell is going on?” he asked tightly.
Jeni took one look at his face and broke down.
“Whoa, hey.” He immediately put his arms around her, and she buried her face in his shirt. “Why are you crying?”
“I l-love him.” Jeni sniffled.
; Andrew went still but didn’t loosen his embrace. “You love…Logan?”
She nodded into his chest.
“Okay.” Her brother took a few deep breaths. “Okay. I’m trying to be cool, but I’m gonna need more information here. Was he talking about you? Just now?”
She nodded again.
“And that you’re sometimes more than friends?” His voice had an edge to it.
Jeni yanked her head back. “Don’t do that.”
“The hell I won’t.” Andrew’s arms were suddenly gone, and he pushed past her. “Is that motherfucker still out there?”
“Andrew!”
Lauren’s voice entered the conversation. “Andrew. They both admitted to being in love with each other. Calm down and let her tell us what’s going on.”
He yanked open the door and stuck his head out. A few seconds later, he pulled back and shut the door. “Fine. You’re right.”
“He’s already gone, isn’t he?” Jeni guessed. She took her glasses off and rubbed her eyes.
“Yep. He got lucky.”
Jeni and Lauren exchanged a meaningful look. The three sat back down in the living room, and Andrew raised an eyebrow, waiting.
“I’m sorry we didn’t say anything,” Jeni started. “But you have to agree you’ve had enough on your mind.”
Andrew remained silent, which he usually did when he knew she was right but wouldn’t admit it.
“We’ve spent a lot of time together over the last several months. What he said was true—we have a lot in common. We both care about the foster community. We love playing softball and watching football. We’ve both always wanted to try home brewing, and we’ve been working on that together. Our third batch wasn’t half bad.” She grinned, but it disappeared almost as quickly as it came on as she realized they probably wouldn’t brew another.
“Not only have you been seeing Logan behind my back, but you have access to free beer and didn’t tell me?” Beside him, Lauren mumbled something under her breath, and Andrew looked at her. “That is important.”
“I’m sorry,” Jeni said. “I didn’t think you’d be happy about it, and I didn’t want to stress you out.”
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