“You spend too much time with your head in the air and your nose in a book, my girl. As a result you are a danger to all around you. Your father has encouraged you to think that you are above normal, womanly pursuits and see where it has got you! On the day that he first took you into his study and began to tutor you, I told him that no good would come of it. I have always believed that there is a hierarchy in this world and that sensible people are satisfied with the position they are given in life. Women are meant to raise families and attend to practicalities; not be scholars. You will remember my words when I’m gone; but it will be too late by then.”
She nodded with sudden conviction. “Sad as it may be, Lizzy, I can’t see you marrying anyone now. We are not members of the ton; just normal people. In our situation, few men have use for a clever woman. Edmund was an exception. You have only your youth to recommend you now and, in a few years, that too will be gone.”
____________________________
Elizabeth came away from this discussion with her mother shocked to understand how self-absorbed she had been. So self-absorbed that she had been unaware of Kitty’s true feelings and had also entirely misread the strength of Edmund’s feelings for her. But then she had never seen that Darcy was in love with her either. Three important people in her life and she had thoughtlessly given pain to all of them. She felt stupid, ashamed of her insensitivity and incredibly guilty.
Her mother had implied that her education had made her a misfit and the idea slowly took root in Elizabeth’s mind, until she began to believe it and to think that both Edmund and Darcy had had a lucky escape. She withdrew into herself and accepted without argument the judgement of the women of Meryton who, on hearing that she had put an end to her relationship with Edmond, were inclined to think that she was callous: lacking in all feminine emotion. In a strange way she was almost comforted by their judgement. It was one way of paying for the damage she had done and perhaps her isolation would prevent her from harming anyone else.
Having put an end to her parish work, there was little for Elizabeth to do. She kept to her room at Longbourn, where she read a great deal. Other than that she spent time with her father and went on long, lonely walks. Keeping her own company had never been a hardship for her and some months went by, during which time Jane tried several times to understand the nature of the problem and bring her out of herself. Elizabeth listened politely but did not choose to explain why she was slowly retreating into her shell: inexorably returning to her original vision of her future. She had decided that it would not be so very dreadful to be a spinster. After all, there was quiet contentment for her in the world of solitude, books and nature.
Christmas came and went and for almost the whole month of January, Meryton was plunged into the depths of a punishingly cold winter. Snow piled up making roads impassable. This was followed by weeks of icy winds that howled across the fields and were so cutting and fierce that they snapped branches off the trees. Venturing out of doors became more and more difficult, almost dangerous. Elizabeth gave up her walks and Kitty could no longer perform her parish tasks.
One exceptionally cold evening when everyone had gone to bed early, Elizabeth heard a soft knock at her door. It was Kitty. She came in with her candle to perch on the end of Elizabeth’s bed, just as she had always done in the past. Elizabeth huddled under the blankets, dreading what her forthright, young sister might have to say.
“I was thinking,” Kitty began, “that we have hardly exchanged two words since you got home. I must admit that it was partly my fault. Like everyone else, I was annoyed with you at first when you ended your relationship with Edmund. It’s hard to tell with him; but I think that you hurt him there, Lizzy.”
“Has he said anything to you?”
“No. But then he wouldn’t. He has always seen me as a great deal younger. Almost like a little sister, I think.”
“That is my fault. Mama told me that you had hopes of a relationship with him yourself: that I ruined your chances. I’m so sorry, Kitty. I seem to be incapable of picking up on what people around me are feeling.”
Instead of looking devastated, Kitty merely looked irritated. “You never picked up anything because there was nothing there. What is wrong with Mama? On Christmas Day she kept elbowing me and winking when Edmund came up to speak to us after the service. Honestly, Lizzy, beyond the fact that I am working with the man, I have no idea where she came upon that story. I have never so much as hinted at admiring Edmund. Of course I like him, but he is a great deal older than me and far too serious. Sometimes, I even find him quite boring. To my mind he talks far too much and doesn’t listen enough.”
Elizabeth gave a great sigh of relief. “You will never know how terrible I have been feeling. Mama had me convinced that you were in love with Edmund and had been almost from the first time you met him. She gave me a great scolding about wasting your life and breaking your heart.”
Impulsively, Elizabeth leaned forward and grabbed at her sister’s hand. “Come and climb under the blankets with me while we talk. It’s freezing.”
As they snuggled together beneath the covers Kitty said, “Lizzy, you are far too gullible where Mama is concerned. You ought to know by now that she likes to put us in the wrong; yet she manages to make you feel guilty every time.”
“I’m just beginning to see that there is some truth to that. You seem to have a great deal more common sense than me. I’m not sure why it’s so easy for Mama to convince me that I’m wrong. It has something to do with Lydia, I think. But tell me, Kitty…do you think that I broke Edmund’s heart?”
Kitty shrugged. “I felt very sorry for him initially. It almost seemed as if you came home determined to do a great big spring clean and that he was the first undesirable item to be whisked out of the door. But I have been watching him quite closely since then and, while there is quite a bit of injured pride there, I don’t think that you have really broken his spirit.’
“In his own way, he is very conceited. I think that he is mostly upset because he realizes that he will struggle to find another woman who can challenge him intellectually as you did. I also think that your intelligence gave him added presence in the community. Lots of people said that you had met your match in him: that you had always been far too clever for the other men in the area. I think he liked the idea that he was so much above the rest of them.”
“That was another thing that Mama said.”
“What was?”
“She said that I was too clever for my own good. That Edmund was one of the few men who would find intelligence attractive in a woman.”
“Well, I can’t really comment on that, Lizzy. She might be right or not. But that is her genius, you know. She is very good at taking random facts and half-truths and linking them by some sort of tortured logic to other things that are quite unrelated. Anyhow, what does it help if she is right? You are who you are. You can’t change such a basic thing about yourself. Maybe you need to go to the city and stay with Uncle Gardener for a while. It stands to reason that there would be more intellectual men there than in a country village like this.”
“Perhaps you’re right. I’ll speak to Papa,” said Elizabeth, without meaning to do any such thing. Now that Kitty had relieved her mind of guilt, she felt at peace. She had not broken her sister’s heart and there was every possibility that she had only dented Edmund’s self-confidence. If her mother was wrong about those two things, then it was possible that she was not insensitive at all. Perhaps she had not noticed Darcy’s feelings for her because he was extremely good at concealing them. After all - now she thought about it - no one (not even her all-seeing mother) had ever remarked upon Darcy having a fondness for her.
Chapter 33
“I gave myself to none, but held myself apart, individual, indissoluble, a mirror of polished steel”
W. B. Yeats
Netherfield - Late Autumn 1816
Having washed her hair sometime after lunch, Elizabeth now sat vigorously br
ushing it in a chair that had been positioned to catch the last remaining rays of sunlight.
It was an afternoon like many in late October. The days were getting shorter. All week the sky above Netherfield had been alive with thousands of migrating birds. With their exodus, came a sense of desertion. Almost as if I am left to look after the house while the rest of the family goes off to the sea-side, Elizabeth thought. But she knew that at this time of year she was always prone to mildly melancholy thoughts - not least because awareness of the coming winter hovered just at the outer limits of her perception.
She had been at Netherfield for almost a week, keeping Jane and the children company while Charles was away on business. The last four days had been quieter than usual, but no doubt that would all change tomorrow when Charles breezed in, bringing gifts for his small family. Little Charles would inevitably come in for a rough-housing and lots of tickles from his hero and, as he was still young, these sessions sometimes ended in tears; but his father was growing sensitive to how much a little lad could take. Yes, Charles was a good parent.
The crunch of wheels on the gravel below her window had Elizabeth springing up in dismay. It was late in the day for visitors. Pulling on the gown she would be wearing to dinner, she hastily arranged her hair in a simple chignon, thinking that, as Jane would probably be up in the nursery with Lilibeth, someone should be in the parlour to receive them. Of course, it was entirely possible that Charles had returned early; in which case her haste would be unnecessary.
She flew to the top of the stairs and had just begun her descent when she heard male voices in the hallway below. Charles and Darcy! She would recognize that laugh anywhere. She stopped and turned silently on the stair: intent on retreating to her room.
“Elizabeth. Is that you?” She couldn’t see more than his boots, but it was Charles calling her name from below.
“Yes. I thought we had visitors and then heard your voice. I was just about to go back up to the nursery to tell Jane that you’re home.”
“Right. Tell her that Darcy is here as well. We will be having tea in the parlour.”
Darcy moved forward to stand at the bottom of the stairs. He looked up at her, a serious expression on his face. “Your servant, Miss Bennet,” he said, sweeping into a stylish bow.
He looks thinner, she thought.
“Mr. Darcy,” Elizabeth nodded and turned to run lightly back up the stairs.
As she made her way down the corridor, dozens of thoughts battled for supremacy in her brain. Darcy had called her Miss Bennet: Charles must have told him that she was still unmarried. What must he think of her? He might conclude that she had invented her courtship with Edmund. No, that would be ridiculous! Had he told Charles about her visit to Pemberley? And most importantly, what was he doing at Netherfield?
Without realizing it, she had reached the nursery door. She knocked softly before calling: “Jane. Charles is back. He has Mr. Darcy with him and they are in the downstairs parlour having tea.”
“The children have just dozed off, Lizzy. I’ll be down now.”
________________________
“So you met up with Mr. Darcy towards the end of your travels last year. You never mentioned it, Lizzy,” said her sister, looking at her curiously.
“Did I not? I can’t think why. I suppose that there was so much happening at the time…” said Elizabeth vaguely, leaning away from the candlelight and hoping that the shadows in the dining room would conceal much of the blush heating her cheeks.
Jane frowned. “I can’t say that last year stands out in my mind as being particularly eventful. Although there was something…” She clicked her tongue in frustration. “I just can’t remember it at the moment. You know, sometimes it almost seems as if I can’t recall anything of the last three years, unless it concerns the children...”
“Mr. Darcy was with his cousin and his sister when we encountered them at Ashford-in-the-water. Were you not, sir?” interjected Elizabeth, anxious to direct Jane’s recollections away from a track which it seemed would inevitably lead towards a discussion of her relationship with Edmund Pembroke.
“Indeed we were,” said Darcy agreeably. “Miss Bennet and I took a stroll together through the hills and up to Monsal Head. You must try it if you are ever in the area, Bingley. The view is spectacular. And then, of course, your party joined us at Pemberley for the end of the harvest. Did they not, Miss Bennet?”
She could feel the heat rising once again. Was the man deliberately dwelling on the topic to torment her? No. He appeared to be quite relaxed. He was merely being polite; it was her mind not his that was the problem. She was taking fright at his every remark. She struggled now to find an innocuous reply.
“Yes, but only for two nights. As I recall, your harvest was better than expected,” she said eventually.
Darcy addressed his friend. “The estate was on tenterhooks all through the summer. As you will remember, Bingley, the rains had been heavy. However, luck was with us and there was enough of a dry spell to enable us to bring in the harvest. But,” said Darcy turning smiling eyes on Elizabeth, “the weather is a taboo topic at dinner tables, as Miss Bennet will no doubt tell you.”
“Come, come, sir. I place no restrictions upon any topic. It was your cousin who forbad any discussion of the weather… or harvests, as I recall.”
Charles sat forward, relaxed and slightly in his cups. “We had a similar situation here in Meryton. In fact, had it not been for the local vicar, who was far-sighted enough to draw lazy landowners like me into supporting a planting scheme, there would not have been enough grain for the local population. Clever chap that!” he added, unaware of the ripple effect that his remarks were having around the table.
“That’s right,” said Jane, clapping her hand to her forehead. “I knew that something happened last year. I just couldn’t put my finger on it. It was your courtship with Edmund, Lizzy. You ended it when you came back from your visit to Aunt Margaret.
So now it was out and she could be shamed no further. Darcy would imagine that… Well, who knew what he would imagine! Elizabeth was lost for words and, directing her attention to her plate, ate a great deal of the detestable vegetable ragout that she had earlier deemed unfit for human consumption.
“Oh! That was a shame. You had been intending to marry this estimable vicar, Miss Bennet?” asked Darcy very sympathetically.
Oh! She hated him! “Yes,” she said, her teeth clenched. “We had been planning to marry, sir. However, in the end, it was decided that we did not suit.”
“You decided that you did not suit as I recall, Lizzy. Edmund did not have a great deal to do with it,” said the obnoxious and obviously inebriated Charles.
There were daggers in Elizabeth’s green eyes as she glared at her bemused brother-in-law. “By all means let us make sure to dot our ‘i’s and cross our‘t’s. We are in total agreement, Charles. It was my decision. And now, can we let the matter rest?”
_________________________________________
Being, for one reason or another, disinclined to linger downstairs over their teacups, Jane and Elizabeth had gone upstairs early, leaving the men to the library and their port. Once in her room, Jane hastily donned her nightclothes and dressing gown and padded down the corridor to knock softly on her sister’s door.
“Yes?”
Elizabeth’s voice sounded strange, perhaps a little shaky?
“Can I come in for a moment, Lizzy?” said Jane and, opening the door as she spoke, saw Elizabeth standing between the window and the bed, her face as white as the sheet of paper she held in her hand.
“Are you ill, Lizzy? Have you received bad news? You are very pale.”
“This was pushed under my door a few minutes ago.”
Her hand shaking a little, Elizabeth held out the sheet of paper. Boldly scrawled across the sheet in black ink was the message:
Elizabeth
Do I presume too much when I ask to see you later this evening after everyone else
is abed? I will be waiting in the library.
Fitzwilliam
Lifting her eyes from the page Jane said, “It is for this reason that I have come to speak to you. You claim to have forgotten to mention your encounter with Mr. Darcy while you were away last year; but there is more to it than that – especially when you ended your relationship with Edmund immediately on your return. And now here is this note. Did something happen between you and Mr. Darcy while you were away, Lizzy?”
“He asked me to marry him.”
“I see. And you refused him?”
“Of course. Edmund and I were courting.”
Jane was silent for a moment. “And then you came home to break it off with Edmund. Obviously he didn’t measure up against Darcy. But if you liked Darcy so much, why didn’t you let him know that the courtship was at an end? It would have been easy. All you would need to have done was mention Darcy’s interest to Charles and me. Charles would have done the rest.”
Elizabeth fell silent. Then she said in a small voice, “He might have changed his mind once I was gone.”
Jane sat on the bed. “I might as well settle in. This looks like it is going to take some time.’
“Tell me if I am wrong: you agreed to a courtship with Edmund and then broke it off because you realized that something was missing in your relationship. That’s how I remember it.” She looked enquiringly at Elizabeth who nodded her agreement.
“What was missing, Lizzy?”
“Intimacy,” said Lizzy very reluctantly, blushing as she spoke.
“I don’t need the details; but you must have experienced something approaching intimacy with Darcy to make you realise that you lacked it in your relationship with Edmund? Do you want to know what I think? I think that you didn’t contact Darcy because while you want intimacy; you are scared of it at the same time. There is a little bit of Mama in you, Lizzy.’
The Golden Apples of the Sun Page 29