by J. L. Smith
There was an uncomfortable moment of silence and then I said, “I want to be your friend, Saff.” Her expression seemed to soften and again I was struck by how beautiful she really was, with her dark eyes and thick black hair. “I’m sorry if things have been weird between us because of Rayder. Seriously,” I added, “I have no idea what he really thinks of me and there’s nothing actually going on with us.”
She looked at me almost curiously and asked, “You really like him, don’t you?”
Taking a deep breath, I answered honestly, “I do.”
“And he likes you,” she stated matter-of-factly. “No, let me correct that. He’s in love with you.”
“I really don’t think,” I stammered, my face beginning to feel hot.
“No, he is.” Again, I marveled at her confidence. “And before this gets all awkward,” evidently, she was reading my thoughts with little difficulty, “let me just tell you that I don’t have feelings for him. Not in that way, anyway.”
“But, you kissed him.” The words were out before I could help myself.
“That was about hiding from Balen.” I must have looked rather skeptical, for she added, “Okay, and to make you jealous. Told you I was a bitch.” She shrugged apologetically and continued before I could respond, “I think it’s time I told you my story.” I could merely nod. “Here goes.” Sighing, she began her tale, her eyes not meeting mine as she started to speak.
“When I was eight, my sister sold me to Balen. You think I’m a bitch, you should’ve seen her. Ruthless.” Her face hardened as she said, “Didn’t bat an eyelid when she sent me off to Balen, crying my eyes out and not understanding what I’d done wrong. You already know what I had to do in that fortress.” Her cold gaze caught mine then and I almost shivered, seeing the hatred in her eyes. “The thing you’ll never know is what it does to an eight-year-old girl having to do those things with a grown man. He raped me,” her voice was entirely flat, “more times than I can count.”
Putting my hand gently on her own, I said softly, “I’m so sorry, Saff.”
Pushing me away, without anger, she continued, ignoring my comment, “But that little girl grew up. I learned that if I wanted to survive in there, I had to outsmart them all. I learned to lie. To steal and cheat. I learned to please him. I did things I’d never admit to anyone, not even Ray.” Her hands balled into fists and I wondered where she really was, as she continued, “And I got out of there, Aria. The only one who ever did. Balen trusted me. It took almost seven years, but that trust got me out of there. I could pretty much go wherever I liked by the time I finally took my freedom back. I could talk to any guard. Walk any part of the fortress. None of his other girls could.” She paused, as if unsure how to proceed. “If I’m doing this, I might as well tell it all.” She took a deep breath and said, “I slept with a guard to get out of there. All of them wanted me, but I waited, making sure I chose the right one. The one with the power to get me away.” Her voice became smaller then, “Try not to judge me for it. I’d do it again, if it meant getting out of there.”
I put my hand on hers once more and this time, she let me hold it. “I would never judge you, Saff.”
She merely nodded and for a while, we were silent, each of us struggling with our own thoughts. When she sighed again, I knew she was ready to finish her story. “This is where it really gets messed up.” She laughed self-consciously, “Don’t get me wrong, I hated what he forced me to do. Hated that my body was never really mine. Hated that my innocence was taken from me, before I even knew it was mine to give away. But, I learned to like the attention. He would parade us every opportunity he got. Festivals. Balls. Balen has a flare for the dramatic.” I nodded, feeling sick to my stomach, and Saffron continued, “He’d auction us off, giving us to the highest bidder for the night. Everyone, that is, except me. I was his alone. They’d practically beg him to change his mind, promising to pay obscene money for me, but he always refused. No one else could touch me. It’s all disgusting, I know,” she said, shooting me a sideways glance, “but,” here she shrugged, “like I said, I got used to the attention.
“So, when I got out of there and joined up with Ray, it stuck. At first, I was offish towards him, especially at night, when I wanted to be left the hell alone. But, as time passed, I started to trust him. For a while, I even thought I was into him. But I was so messed up, Aria. Still am, if the truth be told. The thing is, after Balen, I don’t want a man. Not like that anyway. He’s ruined me, you see.” My heart ached for her, but I refused for her to see my pity. I knew it was the last thing she wanted. “But, even though I don’t want a man, I want the attention. Told you it was messed up.”
“It’s not,” I responded, gently.
Surprising me again, she squeezed my hand, “You’re just being nice. The child sex slave is a nutcase. Go figure.”
“Saff, you’re really not.”
She smiled, before adding, “Okay, let me finish. You have no idea what this is costing my pride!” I laughed at her ill-placed humor. “With Ray, that’s what this has all been about. I’ve had time to think long and hard about this and I really don’t want him. Not like that. He’s like a brother to me and, I swear, my feelings for him are completely platonic. But, I guess, I didn’t want his attention anywhere else. We’ve been so close for the last few years. Inseparable, really. Seeing him want you, it made me insane with jealousy.” She continued sheepishly, “I’m not used to guys ignoring me. Pathetic, I know. But the bottom line is, I’m really sorry.” Clearing her throat, she said, “Anyway, I think that about does it for our heart-to-heart, don’t you think?”
“Absolutely,” I said, smiling at her, before adding teasingly, “Nothing worse!” She grinned, grateful for my flippancy, and then I had to say, “Thanks, though, Saff. For your apology. But, mostly, for telling me. I know it couldn’t have been easy.”
“Not easy, no. But, then again,” her eyes twinkled playfully, “I am generally considered to be incredibly badass.”
“Downright terrifying, if you’re in the mood,” I added lightly.
She smiled, but then her expression became serious once more, “For what it’s worth, I think you and Ray would be good together.”
Raising my eyebrows in surprise, I asked, “Seriously?”
“Trust me, in the three years I’ve known him, I’ve never seen him look at anyone the way he looks at you.” She stood to go then and added, “You’d be an idiot not to go for it. These sorts of things don’t come around that often and when they do, well, you know the rest.” She started to walk away and called over her shoulder, “If you ever tell anyone I said something so pathetic, I’ll have to kill you.”
Laughing, I watched as she left: complicated, brave and beautiful Saffron, the girl I finally felt I was coming to know.
It was a long day with the actors, devising plans for our trip to the fortress, counting up and organizing weapons and bombs, but I kept having to redirect my thoughts back to the matter at hand. As serious as our discussions were, my mind was preoccupied with thoughts of Rayder. He barely looked at me all day, his attention fixated on the mission, but, nevertheless, Saffron’s words still rung in my ears: he’s in love with you. If he was, which I could only doubt, he had a ridiculous way of showing it.
When dusk rolled around, I had to get away from everyone, but, most of all, my own thoughts. I took a walk, as I had that morning, away from the theater, hoping to clear my head. It was a cool evening, the end of the orange sunset bleeding into the land, leaving it looking bereft and forlorn. I watched a line of ants marching across the sand into their little home between two rocks and found myself thinking how like those ants we humans were: so small and insignificant in the vastness of the desert. It could crush us if it so wished, but somehow that harsh place seemed to take pity on us, keeping us around perhaps for mere amusement’s sake. Sometimes, I wondered what the point of it all was: all our rushing around across that heartless red sand in the name
of vengeance. I felt a pang, a longing for something more, someone more.
“Last night,” Rayder’s voice interrupted my spiral of introspection and I felt my body relax with his presence, “you were obviously referring to me when you said Aidan’s not broody and serious all the time.”
Turning to meet his gaze, I said, a little too mockingly, “What gave me away?”
“At least I know your type now,” he shot back, his mouth quirking slightly. “Loud. Attempts at humor.” He was ticking items off his fingers. “Attention-seeking.”
“I take it you’re referring to Aidan?” I asked, raising my eyebrows.
“What gave me away?” he said cockily, before continuing. “When we met Balen at the weapons depot, I asked what kind of guy is your type. Now,” I could tell he was trying not to smile, “I guess I know.”
“Right,” I nodded, smiling. “Because, broody and serious all the time is a real buzzkill.”
“Yeah,” he said, stepping towards me, his face inches from my own, “not your type at all.”
“No,” I whispered, watching his expression become more serious. He started to lean towards me and, my heart hammering, I managed, “Don’t break my heart, okay?”
He paused, before brushing a strand of my hair behind my ear, “Why do you think I’ve been trying to stay away from you?”
“What do you mean?” I asked, frowning.
Pressing his forehead against mine, he said, “After my family died, I swore I’d never let anyone get really close to me again.” He did not have to say anything else. I understood, recognizing the vulnerability in his eyes.
“What changed?”
“Me,” he brushed his lips against mine. “You changed me.”
He kissed me then, his fingers touching the sides of my face and threading into my hair. I wound my arms around his neck and lost myself in him, letting the world lie silently around us for just a while. In that timeless moment, there was only me; there was only him.
Chapter 16
It was a little before midnight when Rayder cut the engine of our vehicle for the last time. We would be saying goodbye to it from that point onwards, in an abandoned village three hours east of the spot where we had met the actors. Perhaps it was overly cautious, but we had decided to leave The Darkness without the actors, only to meet up again in a village Kieran had suggested, apparently long vacated following an outbreak of disease.
“So, this dump is just the same,” Kieran remarked, when Rayder switched off the engine of our vehicle, leaving the headlights to illuminate what remained of the village.
The red sand had piled up high against what was left of the two or three dozen houses, some of them with their doors still open. In years to come, nothing would remain, the desert having swallowed it all, leaving only ghosts in its wake. For now, there appeared to be a shop at the end of the dusty road, its windows smashed, probably as looters looked for food. Directly ahead of us was what seemed to be an old town hall, with a notice board out front, littered with shaggy pieces of paper, flapping in the chilly breeze.
“Who lived here?” Saffron asked, her brow furrowed.
“Some distant aunt of mine,” Kieran replied. “I visited once when I was a kid. The whole town was wiped out by a plague a few years ago. I came past here last year, when I was on that scouting mission with Rayder. We figured it was probably still the same.”
“It’s creepy as hell,” Susie said, indicating the remnants of a school, with only two of its walls still standing. “No doubt haunted by headless children or something like that.”
“No doubt,” Kieran nodded, raising his eyebrows. “And an old school teacher with a cane,” he added, smiling.
“Yeah,” Susie replied, “a cane and a hunchback. She still visits the school at night,” she continued happily, “to cane the kids if they haven’t done their homework.”
“Which is hard,” Kieran said, “without a head.”
Neal had jumped off the back of our vehicle and had walked towards the noticeboard of the old town hall, cutting a lonely figure illuminated by our headlights. He examined the papers stuck to the board for a moment, before placing his hands solemnly behind his back and walking towards our vehicle, his head slightly bowed.
Rayder opened his car door and Neal came within earshot, catching the end of Kieran and Susie’s conversation.
“It’s a list of the dead,” Neal said softly. “They must have been in quarantine and it was the only way to communicate with everyone without risking further infection. Each page gives a list of those who died that day. It looks like it was only a matter of days.”
“Crap,” Susie muttered. “Now, I feel bad.”
I smiled at her, my friend who could not keep her mouth shut, but who had the biggest heart and an endless stream of energy.
“The same story happens throughout the desert,” Neal commented. “Balen thrives on this. It’s what keeps business booming.”
“Yeah,” Kieran replied, “but business is about to go bust.”
“If those actors show up,” Saffron said.
I looked at her again, shocked afresh at her altered appearance. She had chopped her hair, leaving only a few inches, where once she had long locks. Instead of ebony, it was now bleached a dirty blonde and her dark eyes were deep green, courtesy of a pair of contact lenses which Aidan had given her. Even her clothes were different, as she wore brown pants and a threadbare, baggy tan jacket, together with a brown cowboy hat. If she kept her head down, she could pass for a boy. Her story, however, was that she had a cousin who was a runner and, having grown up in the area, she was eager to catch sight of Balen’s famous harvest festival. The latter were mostly open to current runners, as well as those interested in the trade and so, fortunately, things like armbands for entrance were less important. The idea was that Saffron was going to have to enter the fortress alone, as we could not risk having her in close proximity to Balen. As much as it irked her, she could not be part of our plan to hand over the actors to Balen. If he recognized her, it would mean death for all of us. She had cussed and snapped, but agreed, nonetheless, as she had hacked at her own hair with a pair of scissors.
“What makes you think they won’t arrive?” Kieran asked, frowning slightly.
“They’ll arrive,” Rayder spoke instead of Saffron.
“Since when did you have faith in humanity?” Saffron asked.
“Not in humanity,” Rayder responded. “In revenge.”
“Ah, revenge,” Susie said dramatically. “A drug more powerful than love. What do you say to that, Ray?” she asked, pretending innocence. “Would you agree, based on your recent experience in both?”
I could not help smiling, as I looked at Rayder’s attempt to control his annoyance at Susie’s teasing. Stepping in to save him an answer, I said, “I’m sure Ray would love nothing more than to wax lyrical on the subject, Suse, but our fuel isn’t going to siphon itself.” He gave me a look almost like gratitude and I continued, “I’m sure the actors will be here soon. We should get ourselves organized in the meantime.”
“Yeah, sure,” Susie conceded, before winking overtly at Rayder. “Saved by the girl, hey, Ray.” He sighed and hopped out of the truck, but not before giving me a grin. “You guys are adorable,” Susie said, too loudly.
She knew about the kiss, having heard it from me, and, given Susie’s lack of discretion, I was fairly certain that they all knew. I did not mind. They were family now, each one of them.
“Suse, give it a rest,” Stef whispered, sticking her head through the driver’s door from outside. “There’ll be plenty of time to tease them when we’re home again.”
“True,” Susie responded, “plus, Aria was very stingy with the details. We’ll need to know more. Like,” she smiled playfully, “does he kiss as good as he looks?”
“Ug, guys,” I replied, blushing furiously, especially with Saffron still within earshot, as she stood beside our vehicle. “Ser
iously, I’m calling time of death on this subject!” I jumped out of the car in a hurry to emphasize my point.
“We’ll revive it soon enough,” Susie replied cheerfully, joining the rest of us outside.
Neal was already busying himself with the fuel, as we needed to save whatever we could, given that the journey to Balen’s fortress was at least eight hours east still. We started unpacking our truck, pulling off weapons, first aid supplies, tents and a handful of crates of food and water for the trip ahead.
“Anyone need a pee?” Susie asked, as she knelt beside the crates in the sand, surveying the snacks.
“I’ll come with you,” I replied.
“To the creepy hall?”
“Okay,” I said, starting to follow her.
We made our way towards the low outer wall of the red brick town hall, which was little more than fifty yards from our truck. The wind was beginning to pick up, eerily whistling through the abandoned buildings and lifting sand only to dump it right back onto our boots as we walked. Crouching behind the wall, we took a moment of privacy before another long journey began.
“Hey, Aria,” Susie said, uncharacteristically gravely, “you think we’re going to pull this off?”
Looking over at her, as she rebuttoned her black pants, I replied honestly, feeling my heart start to pound at the thought of what lay ahead, “I hope so.”
“I guess that’s all we’ve got, right?” she said, straightening.
“And each other,” I added.
She smiled at me, but then froze, her eyes widening as she looked past me. “Okay, don’t freak out,” she said quietly, “but there’s a crazy dog behind you.” I started to turn, but she continued, “Slowly. Don’t scare it.”
My heart hammering a mile a minute now, I turned around carefully, locking eyes with a huge matted tan-colored dog not five yards away, its mouth foaming violently. “Rabies,” I whispered.
“Yeah,” Susie said, just as the dog started to growl. “And it’s hungry.”