by Kaje Harper
Casey said, “No.”
“Fuck you!” Scott knew he was loud but he felt powerless to stop. “Fuck both of you! Tell me what I should do to make this work out! How do I deal with this? I’m in the goddamned NH fucking L! They don’t like out and loud queers and they don’t go easy on rookies, and this is my shot!”
“And for that reason,” Will said quietly, “it has to be your choice.”
“I need to run.” He took off down the hall toward the front door. Casey yelled something about a jacket and cold but he didn’t care. He shoved his feet in sneakers, yanked the door open, and jumped down the step. Then he stopped dead, because Harry, the hand he liked least, was standing looking at the house.
“Can’t spend another minute in there with those queers, huh?” Harry said. “Can’t blame you.”
Scott stared at him and held back everything that wanted to come tumbling out of his mouth. Instead he turned and ran. Running was for him what he figured the guitar was for Will. His crazy brain would lose traction as his legs began aching and his lungs clamored for breath. It really was too cold and he wasn’t dressed right, but he gave himself ten minutes, as fast as he could go, down the frozen mud trail to the west pasture.
Eventually, he had to turn around. Eventually, he had to make his way back to the big house and in the door and say to the men he loved, “I want to stay in the closet.”
They looked at him steadily, without condemnation, which was good because he could manage enough of that himself. He added, “And I want you to fire Harry.”
Will laughed then, although it wasn’t his usual sound. “Did he say something?”
“Yeah.”
“I don’t think I have to fire him. I’m betting once I lay it on the line, he’ll be gone. Him and maybe Lewis. I think the rest will be all right. I guess we’ll find out soon.”
“Are you disappointed with me?” Scott looked at the wall between them, rather than meet their eyes.
“No, of course not.” Casey’s voice was steady. “I think it’s a good call. Let things die down and get some playing time with the Leafs under your belt, and then see. The closet door only swings one way.”
“That’s exactly it,” Scott agreed. “Once I take that step, I can’t take it back. Everything happens from there.”
Will said, “Times are changing. Maybe someone else in the NHL will come out first.”
“Maybe.” Scott sat down and said the other thing his heart had decided on while his mind was distracted. “Give me a year. Let me see what I can do for the Leafs. In a year, I’ll come out.”
“You don’t need to make that decision now,” Casey said.
“No, you don’t get it. I do have to. Because I can see how easy it would be to go along, year after year, hiding and pretending, acting like a gay man has no place in pro hockey. I don’t want to be like that.”
“A year from now will be the middle of your second season,” Casey pointed out. “Maybe not the best time. All the publicity could screw up your team too.”
“Fuck you for being logical.” Scott took a breath. “Okay, by the end of next season, come what may. I’m gonna stand up at the team banquet and tell them all I’m gay. If no one knows by then.”
Will said, “You’re sure?”
He wasn’t one bit sure, but so what? “Yeah. I swear it.”
One excellent thing about Will was how he rolled with stuff. “Sounds like a plan. Now, come on, platonic friend. Time to face the cowboys.”
Casey said, “One more question.”
“Huh?”
“Are we going to lie?”
Will just blinked at him, but Scott got the sick feeling that he knew what Casey meant.
“Up till now we’ve been kind of don’t-ask-don’t-tell. We didn’t talk about who did what to whom, and no one cared enough to demand to know. Now they will. You know someone at some point is going to say, ‘Are you guys screwing Scott Edison?’ Everyone knows when he’s in town he hangs out with us. It won’t be enough to say, ‘None of your business.’ That’s going to sound like a yes. So do we go with don’t-tell knowing they’ll assume it’s true? Or do we lie?”
“Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.” Scott could feel hot tears in his eyes. “I don’t want to lie. I don’t want to come out in a year and have to say ‘We’ve been lying to you all last year, but now I’m for real.’ But at the same time…” His voice caught in his throat and ground to a halt.
Casey looked steadily at him. Will stood and hugged him. It was a short-lived relief to let the tears fall. He bent so he could bury his face in Will’s neck and just shake. A moment later Casey hugged them from behind, pressing tightly up against Scott.
“I’m sorry,” he murmured against Scott’s shoulder. “I am. But we’ll only get one chance to do this, and you know I’m right.”
“Yeah,” he said hoarsely. “I know.”
Casey murmured, “It could work for a little while. Probably not for a year. The more times we dodge and say, ‘No comment,’ the more obvious it’ll be.”
“Damn. I should just come out. To hell with hockey. If they can’t handle me out and gay, screw them.” But his voice shook almost as hard as his knees. Will and Casey were holding him up now.
“There’s another choice,” Casey said slowly. “Don’t walk away from hockey. Walk away from us.”
“Hell, no!” That wasn’t even worth a moment’s thought.
“Listen to me. Not forever. Just for that year. Pretend you were fooled, and dump us. You can tell people you don’t want to talk about it, and they’ll believe you. One good public fight, if we do it right, and you’ll be clear.”
“No.”
“We can handle a year. We’ll change your name on our phones, and talk, and text. Maybe we can even meet if we can figure a way do it safely. My hundred grand can buy a lot of plane tickets and hotel rooms. We can give you time to live the dream.”
Will said, “And then you might make being gay in pro sports stick. I mean, if you come out now, you’re the promising one-shot rookie who couldn’t make it in the NHL. They can dump you easily. But if you play a year, show everyone what you’re worth, and then come out…”
Scott pushed his face against Will’s neck. “Maybe at the end of this season.”
“If you win the Calder trophy.”
Scott knew he didn’t have a shot at the top rookie award, moving up in midseason. There were a couple of guys already making a mark in their rookie years. But he said, “Maybe.”
Casey said, “Tell us what to do. No comment? Lie? Or stage one mother of a fake divorce of the bromance?”
He held back another sob. “I can’t choose, just like that.”
“Maybe you don’t have to. We can change options down the road. But the divorce will work best if it happens now, when you’re as shocked and unhappy as half of my deputies and Will’s cowboys.”
“Verisimilitude,” Will muttered.
They broke the hug to both stare at him. Casey said, “I thought you barely got a GED. Where’d that come from?”
Will shrugged. “I like to read. You know that.”
Scott said, “I need more time. At least a little.”
“I should get to doing chores. I’m already super late.” Will reached for his boots.
“You’re just going to walk out there and start mucking out stalls?”
“I’m hoping.” Will sighed. “Someone’s gonna make an issue of it, I’d bet my hat. But I don’t want it to be me.”
“I’m coming with you,” Casey said.
“You bet your ass, partner. I’ve got a shovel with your name on it.” Will glanced at Scott. “But you can stay in here. Think about things, at least for an hour yet.”
Scott bit his lip.
Will kissed his temple, Casey his cheek, and then they put on jackets and boots and headed for the door. Scott moved to the living room and pulled the curtain back enough to watch. His heart was beating so hard, he thought it might break out of his ch
est. How did Will and Casey stand this? How could they just walk out there in front of everyone? The window was single-paned and he could hear their boots on the wooden steps.
There were more ranch hands hanging about the yard area than normal. Joe disappeared around the barn with a loaded wheelbarrow, but Harry and the oldest cowboy, Lewis, stood by the barn door, doing nothing much, hands in their pockets and hats pulled low. Nita was fixing something around a bunkhouse window that Scott didn’t remember seeing on the chore list. Although who knew. They weren’t his chores. Or his ranch, really, more than a tiny corner of it.
He figured Nita would support his guys. Hopefully she’d keep quiet about him. He thought she was a friend, but he didn’t know how far that went. He couldn’t ask. This was Will’s place and Will’s people, and now Casey’s. The December chill that came off the window felt like it would seep into his bones.
Will said, “Hey, Nita, whatcha doing? And where’s Don? I want to run through the open cows list with him.”
Nita answered, “There was a gap here. Rain could get in. Don’s checking the yearlings. There’s a broken fencepost.”
“Ah. Well, I’ll catch him later.” Will headed toward the barn at a casual pace. Casey moved with him, staying at his elbow.
Harry and Lewis straightened as he approached. Scott leaned closer to the window to hear them, but Harry’s voice was clear enough to make that unnecessary. “We’re thinking about moving on.”
“Your choice,” Will said dismissively.
“I don’t know as I want to work for a couple of queers,” Harry drawled.
Scott bit his cheek, hard enough to taste blood. He wanted to run out and slug the guy but this wasn’t his fight. He’d given up the right.
“Then don’t,” Will said. “You quit now, I’ll pay you for your hours through this morning, and you can get off our land.”
“Just like that? You’re not going to even deny it?”
“Why would I deny it?” Will tipped his hat back, glanced at Lewis, then at Nita, and Joe who’d paused, coming back with the empty barrow.
“And him too? He don’t belong here. Place is going to hell.” Harry pointed at Casey.
Will said, “He bought in. We’re partners, life and ranch.” He made as if to turn away but Casey didn’t budge.
Casey said in a hard tone, eyes fixed on Harry’s, “Will and I’ve been together for three years and it hasn’t changed anything on the ranch yet.”
“Slaters owned it. They’re gone now,” Harry said. The others were all standing silent, watching.
Will sighed. “All we want is for you to keep doing your jobs and we’ll do ours.”
Casey added, “Anyone who doesn’t like that knows where the gate is.”
“So it’s on us? You’re not gonna make things right and decent?” Harry took a step towards them.
“This is right,” Will said quietly.
“This is the way things are.” Casey gave Harry his tough-cop stare. “Will can find another cowboy easily enough if this job doesn’t suit you.”
Scott let out a breath he felt like he’d been holding forever, then rubbed frantically at the fogged window. Casey wasn’t backing down and he had Will’s back, better than Scott ever could. He wrapped his arms around himself and kept watching.
Harry glared. “Maybe the rest of the men won’t want to work here neither.”
“It’s winter. I’m betting he can find enough who will.”
“You think when word gets out what you do, that cowboys will want to be here and see that shit?”
“Christ!” Will took off his hat, slapped imaginary dust off against his thigh, and seated it firmly again. “It’s not like we’re going to be fucking each other in the tack room.”
Casey said, loudly enough to be heard, “We’re not?”
Nita laughed and Joe actually chuckled. Will glared at Casey, but Scott could see everyone except Harry looked less tense.
Will turned back to Harry. “I’m not going to draw this out. This ranch is the same as it was last week. You just know something new, that’s none of your business anyhow. Now you can get all worked up about it and quit. Or you can stay on, do the work, and earn a decent paycheck, like you’ve been doing.”
Joe said, “How about a raise?” It was hard for Scott to tell is he was serious or not.
Will laughed, though. “Maybe. I’ll give it some thought.”
“That’s good enough for me,” Joe replied. “’Cause I’ve got a cow with an abscess to treat and she’s a bitch. I want to get to it.”
“Go on then.”
Once Joe turned away, Nita said, “I’m going to town with the truck and pick up the new battery. We need groceries too. Anyone who wants something, write it down for me on the board now.” She headed into the bunkhouse.
Will was left staring at Harry and Lewis. Scott pressed his cheek against the window. Neither man would have made his Facebook friends list, but with Casey at Will’s shoulder he wasn’t seriously worried about trouble. At least not the kind that broke bones.
Will said, “Are you guys getting back to work or leaving?”
“I’m not staying here,” Harry said belligerently.
Lewis was silent.
Harry turned to him. “Come on, man. You don’t want people thinking you’re a fag too.”
Lewis said, “I’m forty-three and I’ve been here a lot of years. I don’t like the gay shit, but I do like the job, and the pay is damned good. A raise’d be even better. I’m not likely to get another job as good.”
Will said, “The gay doesn’t affect you. All I need is a working cowboy who won’t give me trouble.”
“I’ll give it some thought.”
Harry glared at him, then whirled to face Will. “You son-of-a-bitch. You can’t buy me.”
Casey drawled, “We wouldn’t take you for free. Get your stuff and stop by when you’re leaving. We’ll write you your check.” He looked at Will, as if dismissing Harry completely. “C’mon, Will, show me the roof that needs fixing. I’ve repaired a roof or two in my day. Under enemy fire the one time.”
Will turned with him, and they headed for the outbuilding that housed the baler. Lewis jogged off toward the pasture. Harry was left standing on the gravel of the yard, all alone. His angry gaze swept across the house and Scott drew back from the window but he didn’t think Harry had seen him. After a moment the man stomped off in the direction of the bunkhouse.
Scott turned his attention back to Will and Casey. They were standing by the storage building. He was too far away to hear the conversation, but at one point Casey waved his arms expounding on something and Will nodded. Then Will pointed higher and Casey tilted his head, listening.
They fit so well. Two very different men, one stocky and short, one lean and tall, dark and blond, assertive and easy-going, but they fit. Scott had a moment of sheer panic. The guys had this ranch now and each other. They hardly needed him. If he left, would there be a place between them for him to come back to? He felt nauseous and cold.
He was the odd one out. A decade younger, not shaped by the same kind of harsh experiences. He’d had an easy childhood, loving parents, and a simple if hard-fought road toward his dream. He was the one who never woke shaking from dreams he wouldn’t explain, and then lay awake unable to banish them from his mind. And he was the one who didn’t love the ranch.
He liked it well enough. He might come to love it one day. But right now, it was a great piece of property that housed the men he adored. It wasn’t his destiny or his home or his life’s work, the way it was for Will, and clearly might become for Casey. It was a place to hang out when he wasn’t on the ice.
He was the one who’d brought them together, knowing Casey needed more than just him, and they’d come to a great three-way understanding. But if he left, and they were alone here, out as a couple and not hiding it… would they ever need him to come back?
His phone rang, and he answered, “Yeah?”
&nbs
p; On the other end, his agent Fraser said, “Hey, kiddo, are you free at three tomorrow?”
“Probably,” he said cautiously. Practice should be over. “Why?”
“I’ve got a great photo op spot for you. A bunch of the Leafs’ top players have a children’s hospital visit set up, and they said you could tag along. Do something good and get seen doing it. Plus I have a new endorsement for you to look at.”
“Really?” He had a few already, local stuff mostly, and a couple of minor sports equipment deals. But not a lot.
“Yeah. You shone Friday night, kid. That assist? Perfect pass. You laid it on his stick so neat he could have picked it up and dropped it in the net. People saw that. They want in on the ground floor with you. They know you’re going places.”
Just those words brought back the ice, the game, seeing that puck hit the net. His heart leapt. “That’s great.”
“I know, right? This one’s for major-brand sports gear. Good money, great exposure. You could come to the office this afternoon and check it out.”
“I’m kind of tied up.”
“Come after the hospital thing tomorrow, then. I’ll text you the details for that.” Fraser sounded cheerful. “I knew you were going to be big, even when I first took you on as a punk kid. See you soon.”
“Yeah.”
He put the phone in his pocket. “…you’re going places.” Was he? He couldn’t deny the thrill of pride he felt when Fraser mentioned that pass. He knew he’d played well Friday. He’d hit the post with a shot of his own, too, barely deflected when a defenseman got a piece of his stick on it. He’d known by the end of the night that he could play at this level. The bruises from being slammed into the boards and hacked on the calf were badges of honor, put there by some of the toughest defensemen in the league. Should he have to give that up? Or try to come out, and then fight to keep it as a gay player?
“It’s not fucking fair!” he shouted. But the empty house ignored him and he didn’t think it would help to break something.
After a while, he wandered upstairs and into his supposed room. He hadn’t slept in that bed once. The room was cluttered with all the stuff from his vanished condo. Apparently that’d been premature but he was unutterably glad he had a financial stake in the ranch, even a tiny one. There was a little piece of Casey and Will’s dream that belonged to him.