“Holy shit,” Ashlyn says.
“I fell apart,” I say. “Completely fell apart. I couldn’t sleep. I barely ate anything. It was literally the worst thing I’ve ever been through. It was worse than when Dad left. Worse than my divorce. It messed me up for a long time. And looking back, I hate that about myself. I hate that I was such a weak little girl. I let some guy destroy my life, and I hate feeling like I’m still trying to recover.”
“You weren’t weak,” Ashlyn says. “That was legitimately awful. No one would have gone through that unscathed.”
“Maybe,” I say. “But here I am, spending all this time with him, again. The man who tore me to pieces. I still wonder, every day, if today is the day I’ll wake up and find out he’s gone. He won’t answer my calls and I’ll go to his house and find it empty.”
Gabe sips his wine, but doesn’t say anything.
“Has he said anything that makes you think he’ll take off?” Ashlyn asks.
“No,” I say. “I just can’t get past the fear that he will.”
“What happened today?” Gabe asks. “You’re not in there dumping your clothes out of the dresser because of a worry in the back of your mind.”
“Dumping clothes out?” Ashlyn asks. “What?”
“I need to move out,” I say. “I need to get out of this town.”
“What happened?” Ashlyn, shifting to face me.
I tell them about Isaac, and Elaine, and how Hunter wants to get custody. “So, there I am, standing on his doorstep, and he tells me I shouldn’t stay over. That he can’t let me get close to Isaac unless I commit to him. What am I supposed to do with that?”
“Damn,” Ashlyn says. “That’s a lot to drop in your lap with no warning. What the hell are you supposed to do? Run off to the courthouse to get married so the kid doesn’t get the wrong idea when you come out in the morning dressed in one of his shirts?”
“Exactly,” I say.
“He was right,” Gabe says quietly.
“Excuse me?” Ashlyn asks. “He was right to break up with Emma—again—because he’s taking care of a kid? Lots of single parents date.”
“He didn’t break up with her,” Gabe says. He meets my eyes. “Did he?”
“No, I’m the one who left,” I say. “But he’s asking me for a huge commitment. I’m not ready for that. I don’t know if I ever will be.”
“That’s why he was right,” Gabe says. “He knows you aren’t ready, and he knows you might never get there. You sleep over at his house, but have you ever told someone you’re anything other than friends? You keep him at a distance. Single parents can date, but I’m sure a lot of them are careful about introducing someone to their kid, let alone spending time all together.”
I look down at my wine. I know Gabe is right. “Yeah, he said what happens if Isaac wakes up and we all have breakfast together, like I live there.”
“Emma, I was just as skeptical about Hunter as you were,” Gabe says. “I thought you were crazy when you told me you were seeing him again.”
Ashlyn raises her hand. “Me, too.”
“And I was proud of you for being careful,” he says. “I don’t want to see you get hurt again.”
“But?” I ask.
“But, I think maybe I’m turning into a bitter old man before my time, and it’s rubbing off on you,” he says. “Why are you so convinced you can’t have a relationship again?”
“Are you actually asking me that?” I ask. “I thought Hunter and I were serious last time. I know we were young, but that didn’t seem to matter back then. We felt so … permanent. I really thought I was going to marry him, and then he left. I was devastated. But I moved on, and I made the mistake of letting someone in again. Wyatt made my life miserable for years, but I thought I had to make it work. That was marriage. And it’s not like you’ve had it better than I have. You got married and that was a shit show. And look at Mom. She stayed with Dad through everything, and he took off. Relationships, marriage, none of it works for us.”
“Wow, you really have made her bitter,” Ashlyn says, looking at Gabe.
“I’m not bitter—and if I am, it isn’t Gabe’s fault,” I say. “Point the finger at the assholes who broke my heart.”
“Only one of those assholes actually broke your heart,” Gabe says. “I don’t think Wyatt really did.”
“Yeah, the asshole who wants me to jump head first into his insta-family,” I say.
“Look, I’m not saying you should,” Gabe says. “If you don’t want a relationship, then this shouldn’t be a hard choice. He told you what he needs. You can’t give it to him. You guys were just, what, kind of friends with benefits anyway, right?”
“No … I…” I trail off, not sure what to say.
Gabe shrugs. “So, you were seeing each other almost every day. Going out and doing things together. Sleeping together at his house half the time. Not dating other people. But I guess that’s not a relationship. That’s what, banging your ex-boyfriend for a while?”
Ashlyn laughs so hard she snorts.
“Gabe!”
“Emma, you’re so blind,” he says. “You’re all freaked out because he wants a serious relationship, but you were already in one. You just didn’t want to admit it.”
“What happens if he flips out again?” I ask. “What happens if I give him what he wants, and we start building a life together, and then he bails?”
Gabe shrugs. “You just need to decide if he’s worth the risk.”
I put my glass down on the coffee table. “I don’t know if anyone is worth that risk.”
“Then I guess you have your answer,” Gabe says.
24
Hunter
The coffee pot finishes brewing, and I pour a cup. Isaac isn’t awake, so I don’t need to be up. But I can’t sleep late anyway. I was up half the night, tossing and turning, wondering if I did the right thing with Emma.
I pick up my notebook and turn to the page with my mission parameters. I was so sure when this started. I knew it wouldn’t be easy; we had a lot of hurdles to overcome. But I thought if I did things right, I could show her. She’d learn to trust me again. She’d love me the way I’ve always loved her.
I haven’t had enough time.
I could have let Emma stay with me last night. I missed her in my bed something fierce. She’d be here now, sipping coffee, waiting for Isaac to get up. We could take him to the park later, maybe go out for ice cream. She could come with us when we pick up his things from Elaine’s. I think she would. Isaac took to her faster than I’ve seen him take to anyone, and I could see the feeling was mutual. She cared about him from the first time they met.
Emma’s problem isn’t that I’m taking on the responsibilities of a parent. The problem is me.
She doesn’t trust me.
I don’t know if she ever will. I’ve done everything I can to show her. I’ve tried to be patient, and give her what she needs. But the wounds I left were deep. Deeper than I can heal.
I grab a pen and scrawl one final note across the page before tossing it onto the kitchen counter. Mission Failed.
Isaac shuffles into the kitchen, carrying his Spiderman and sporting some epic bed head.
“Hey buddy,” I say. “How did you sleep?”
He yawns. “Good.”
I grab some cereal I have left from the last time he stayed over and pour him a bowl. “Want some breakfast?”
He nods and sits at the kitchen table.
I pour some milk and get him a spoon. “So, buddy, there’s something I’d like to talk to you about.” I set his breakfast in front of him and sit in the other chair.
He shovels a bite in his mouth and looks up at me.
“You know Grandma isn’t feeling so well,” I say. “She’s pretty sick.”
“I know,” he says, his mouth full.
“I’m not sure how long she’ll be in the hospital, but you’re going to stay here, with me, okay?”
He nods and tak
es another bite.
“But I was thinking,” I say. “What would you think about staying here all the time?”
He puts down his spoon. “You mean live here with you?”
“Yeah.”
“Would I still see Grandma?”
“Yes, but it would be visits instead of living there,” I say. “We’d go see her as often as we can. But we’d get all your clothes and toys and bring them here. You’d sleep here every night instead of just for sleepovers.”
His big eyes brighten. “Really? Stay here all the time?”
“Yep, all the time. What do you think? Does that sound like a good idea?”
He gives me a big smile and my chest swells with emotion. “Yeah, I want to live here with you.”
I swallow hard. “Good. You’ll have to go to a new school, though. Is that okay too?”
“I’m only in kindergarten, Uncle Hunter,” he says, his voice serious. “And I need you to teach me stuff.”
“Yeah?” I ask. “What do you need me to teach you?”
“To use tools,” he says, and takes another bite. “And how to be a gentleman.”
Oh man, this kid. “Those are good things.”
“And you can teach me to be a gentleman, right?” he asks. “Grandma says you can.”
“I can definitely teach you to be a gentleman,” I say. I reach across the table and ruffle his hair. “You’re something else, you know that, buddy?”
He smiles and goes back to his breakfast.
We pull up outside my parents’ house and I take a deep breath. I’m about to drop a fucking bomb in my mom’s kitchen. My family knows about Isaac, and my mom has even met him a few times. She doted on him like he was her own grandson, even insisting he call her Grandma Maureen.
But hanging out with Isaac a few times a month, and raising him as my own, are two very different things. I hope they’re on board with this. If I’ve ever needed my family’s support, it’s now.
I help Isaac out of the car. He wants me to carry him inside, so I do, holding him up with one arm.
“Will there be cookies?” Isaac asks when we get to the front door.
“There’s a good chance,” I say with a laugh. “Grandma Maureen usually has cookies.”
I knock a couple times and push open the door. “Mom?”
“Is that you, Hunter?” Mom asks.
She’s sitting in an armchair in front of the big fireplace, a book in her hand. She takes off her reading glasses and smiles at Isaac.
“Hi, Mom,” I say.
Isaac buries his face in my neck.
“It’s okay, you know Grandma Maureen,” I say.
“I know what you need,” Mom says, getting up from her chair. “Cookies.”
“See?” I say, poking Isaac in the back until he squirms.
“Come on over to the table,” Mom says. “Do you want some milk too, Isaac?”
“Yes,” he says.
“Yes, what?” I ask.
“Yes, please,” he says.
Mom smiles and pats him on the back as she walks by. She gets out a plate of cookies and sets them on the table, along with a small glass of milk. I put Isaac down and grab a cookie for myself.
“So what are you two boys up to today?” Mom asks.
“I live at Uncle Hunter’s house now,” Isaac says, his voice matter-of-fact.
Mom raises her eyebrows. “What’s this?”
“Um, yeah,” I say.
My dad comes down the stairs before I can say any more. “Hunter,” he says to me with a nod. “Isaac, how are you, little man?”
Isaac tries to hide behind his cookie. “Hi, Papa Ed.”
“Ed, maybe you could take Isaac down to the beach,” Mom says. “We’ll join you in a minute.” She gives Dad a knowing look.
“We’ll bring some cookies with us,” Dad says, grabbing a handful. “Come on, kiddo.”
Isaac jumps down from his seat and Dad takes him out the back door, closing it behind them.
Mom turns her interrogation face on me. “Hunter? What’s going on?”
I take a seat at the dining table, and Mom follows, sitting across from me.
“Elaine was rushed to the hospital yesterday,” I say. “I picked up Isaac, and I’m not sure how long she’s going to be there.”
“So Isaac just meant he’s staying with you while his grandma is in the hospital,” Mom says.
“Well, no,” I say. “Actually, Isaac meant he’s coming to live with me. Full time. I didn’t think he was going to blurt it out like that.”
Mom’s eyes widen and her mouth hangs open for a moment. “Are you serious?”
I nod. “Very serious. Elaine’s health is getting worse. She can’t keep up with him now. Imagine in a few years. I’ve known this was coming for a while, and I’ve talked to Elaine about it several times. Isaac is coming to live with me. He needs someone to step in and be his family.”
Mom puts a hand to her mouth and her eyes glisten with tears. “Oh, Hunter.”
“He’s so much like me,” I say, looking down at the table. “You guys gave me a chance. You gave me a home and a family. I can do that for him.”
“Of course you can,” she says, putting her hand on mine.
“I know this is a big deal,” I say. “It’s going to change everything. I have to get him registered for school, and figure out childcare when I have to work. It’s … I don’t know, Mom, it’s crazy. But I know it’s the right thing to do.”
“It is the right thing,” Mom says, and a few tears run down her cheeks. “I’m so proud of you, son.”
I meet her eyes. My throat feels thick, and I swallow hard.
“Well,” she says, wiping her tears. “I can watch him anytime you need, so don’t ever hesitate to ask. Have your brothers met him yet? I need to have everyone over for dinner.”
I laugh. Of course she wants to feed everyone. “No, Cody and Ryan haven’t met him yet. He’s really shy around strangers, though, so maybe we can keep it mellow?”
She gets up from her seat and heads for the kitchen. “Of course we will. It’s just dinner. Speaking of, have you had lunch yet?” She opens the fridge and starts pulling things out.
“Yeah, we ate before we came,” I say.
“Do you have enough room at your house?” Mom asks.
“We can make it work, but I’m thinking I might need a bigger place,” I say. “At least a place with a yard. I have an extra bedroom, but it would be nice if he had room to run around. He has a lot of energy.”
“Boys do,” Mom says. “And don’t I know it. I raised three of you little terrors.”
I laugh. “I know; we were a handful.”
“What does Emma think of all this?” she asks.
Damn. I knew she’d ask about Emma, but part of me hoped she wouldn’t. “Emma and I aren’t really that serious.”
“No?” she says. “I thought you were. You all went camping together.”
“How do you know we went camping?” I ask, then realize what a stupid question that is. “Never mind. I’m sure Ryan or Cody told you.”
“Nicole mentioned it, actually,” she says. “It sounds like you all had a lot of fun.”
“Yeah, it was fun,” I say. Some parts more than others, but I’m not about to tell my mom those details. “But Emma’s not ready for a commitment. At least, not to me.”
“Why not?” Mom asks.
“Mom…” I pause. I’ve apologized to my parents numerous times for how I left, but I still don’t like revisiting it. “I hurt her deeply when I left her. She doesn’t know if she can trust me again.”
Mom comes back to sit beside me.
“Honey, you’re a good man,” she says. “You’re as good as they come. Emma loved you the way only an innocent heart can. That’s a fragile thing. It’s easily broken, and very hard to mend.”
“It’s impossible to mend.”
“No, not impossible,” she says. “If anyone can, it’s you.”
“I d
on’t think so, Mom,” I say. “Believe me, I tried.”
Mom puts her hand on mine again. “Did you tell her the truth?”
“The truth?” I ask. “About what?”
“Why you left?”
I pull my hand away and look out the window. The tall dune grasses blow in the wind, and I can just see my dad and Isaac, walking toward the water. I don’t want to talk to my mom about why. Not the real reason. I’ve done everything I can to apologize and make it right with my family, but there are some things I simply can’t tell them.
“I told her how sorry I am,” I say.
“That’s a start,” Mom says, her voice quiet. “But for her to trust you, she might need to hear the truth. All of it.”
“The truth will make things worse,” I say.
“It could,” she says. “Sometimes the truth does unexpected things.”
I nod, but the thought of telling Emma the truth about why I left ties my stomach in a knot. It isn’t something I want to tell anyone.
I never have.
25
Emma
The stack of flattened boxes tips precariously as I walk out of the hardware store. Gabe’s friend John works there, and he said they had some boxes I could pick up for free. I don’t need many; most of my stuff is still stacked in Gabe’s garage. But a few more boxes will make moving a lot easier.
I found an apartment an hour and a half away. I keep thinking about relocating farther away—another state, even. I can work from anywhere. And in six months when my new lease is up, I just might. But I decided to chill out and not move too far away without a plan.
As it is, I took on a few freelance editing jobs and paid off my lawyer, so I’m free to go where I want. There’s nothing keeping me at Gabe’s house, and certainly nothing keeping me in Jetty Beach.
I wobble as I try to get my trunk open without dropping the boxes. I shove them inside and close the trunk, taking a deep breath. The air is cold, but it’s a clear day. I’m supposed to meet Ashlyn for coffee in half an hour, so I have a little time to kill. I’m about to get in my car when something across the street catches my eye.
Operation Get Her Back Page 15